I often think about what I will post on my blog as I drive to or from work. There's nothing to look at but trees for most of the drive, so it's the perfect time to think. I've been tossing around an idea to write about the saying "get over it" and how often I hear it and how deeply I am irritated by that damn phrase. I probably will post about this sometime soon, but I've realized that there is something more important I need to get off my chest.
Lately it seems that I have been somewhat ... callous, I'll say, in my treatment of Bear. I have been bitchy lately for no reason I can honestly give (I'm full of excuses, but I won't waste your time and mine). I'm irritable, I complain, I'm not satisfied by much and even when I am it's not for long, and because Bear is near me more than anyone else, he bears the brunt of my behavior. It is unacceptable, I acknowledge this. The poor man keeps thinking that something is "wrong," that I'm not happy anymore. While I may be less happy than I was a year ago (and I'm not even sure that I'm NOT), it has nothing to do with him. He's still the terrific, caring Bear that he has always been. I, however, am becomming a harpy.
Let me give you an example. I come home and grumble that there are chores to be done. I do some chores, grumble some more. Bear gets home, and I grumble that I am doing chores while he checks his email. Then I grumble about dinner. Either I don't want to cook it or I don't know what I want, or I want him to cook me something while I sit on my butt. This goes back and forth a while. Then I grumble because I have to exert energy to cook myself something to eat. Bear and I eat dinner quietly, then play a game or watch t.v. I grumble that I get no exercise (while my recumbant bike collects dust in the corner). I make snippy little comments out loud, which Bear takes as criticism and objects to (rightfully). I pick a fight with Bear because I am pissy, so everyone else should be, too. bear reacts by pulling away, and I object to that... and on and on it goes. Bear, bless him, has been trying to end the cycle whenever he can. Last night he asked nicely for me to stop, to cuddle and regain some semblance of a loving environment. I was a petulant child and refused. It's a cycle I repeat every day, and even though I see it, I don't stop.
Well, that ends today.
Seriously. What the hell am I thinking? No one should be forced to endure my child-like behavior. I can't even stand it! What happened to the fun, interesting girl I used to be? The one who said yes once in a while instead of just no, no, no? I miss her. I'm sure Bear does, too. So, I've decided I'm going to be more positive from here on out, dammit. I'm going to stop taking my negativity out on people that don't deserve it, while at the same time bringing back the joi de vivre I used to be so full of. To that end, I've created a secondary blog called It's a Beautiful Thing, a blog dedicated to all the beautiful, cool things that happen each day (it's based on Clare's 3BT blog). Many of those things will deal with Bear, because, well... he's beautiful and cool and worth blogging about. I hope you'll check it out, and I hope you'll call me on any bitchy behavior I exhibit in the future. Thanks (in advance) for your help.
~(the old) Amalia~