Summer time

It's been almost a month since I've blogged. I'm sorry, especially as my last blog showed me being in a very negative frame of mind. I'm over that, thankfully. The end of the school year brings a lot of mixed emotions. Most of what I was feeling was stemming from the fact that I don't know if I'll be back there to teach next year. I know that I don't really want to go back, but there aren't a lot of high school English teacher positions open near where I live. I've applied for three in an eighty mile radius from home. I'm waiting to hear back.

Bear and I took our annual trip to Bar Harbor the first weekend I was free from school. We take our tent and camp, as it is much cheaper than a hotel room and we can use the money we saved to do things in the Harbor. This time it poured every single day. We were soaked, frustrated, and bored. It wasn't nearly as much fun as it was last year. We'll try again next year, I guess. We did have some good times laying in the tent and reading. Each of us read through an entire novel (and I got halfway through another one).

Shortly after we returned home, Bear and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that it's been two years since we got married. Other times it feels like I've always loved him. As time passes, I am more and more convinced that I hit the husband jackpot with him. I've never met anyone as kind, caring, honest, hardworking, and funny as this man. I am more and more thankful to have him as time passes. With Bear I feel that I have a true partner in life; someone who wants the same things I want and will work with me to get them. He blogged on the day of our anniversary, saying:

Two years ago today, we met together on the shores of Pleasant Pond surrounded by our friends and family and vowed our love for each other. 730 days later we stand together still, better, stronger and if possible even more in love. We've taken on this rollercoaster and walked off the other end, sometimes a little woozy and stumbling from time to time but we have always come out the end. I love you Heather Naomi Monroe Kinne, more and more with every day. You have taught me that is alright to dream, to believe in things, and to take care of myself as well as others. You have stood by me when others would have run. You have showed me unhindered devotion and caring. I truly believe that you are the thing that makes me complete and I feel so lucky to have you. I love you, babe. Happy Anniversary

Other than that I've been working at Rite Aid and hanging out with Bear. He's been laid off this month so it's been nice to have him home each day. He's sweet enough to bring me to work and pick me up most days, as well as do housekeeping chores and get the mail. I am really spoiled. This is the first week since April that has had more than two sunny days in a row - Maine has had rain almost every single day this spring/summer. It's been really hard to accomplish anything outside. At least the rain means my flowers are growing, I guess.

So much has been going on in the bloggy world - Alice had her baby (Hi Austin!), Hallie is almost to her goal of 5,000 dollars raised for Organ Donation Awareness, and Fox is in the Southwest with a marvelous man (who totally needs to guest blog so that we can all "meet" him), and Cheryl is trying her best to make lemonade out of lemons. I wish you all the best in your summer adventures!

I'll try to be back to semi-regluar blogging (I think I needed a mental break from it all). Thanks to all of you for sticking with me!

I'm trying, I really am.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

For those of you that don't know me in real life or follow me on Plurk, you may not know that I got pink slipped from school on Friday. It's the teacher half of my job, not the ed tech half, although where that's concerned I've been told I *might* not be a high school literacy ed tech III next year; I may be an ed tech II in the Elementary school Special Ed room. While the superintendent is "confident I'll be able to return in the spring," I am not. I don't believe that the town will care enough about my half of a position to save it, when it means less money out of their pockets. I didn't get either of the two jobs I applied for a few weeks ago (I got my application in too late), so I'm becoming increasingly desperate and frustrated and hopeless and anxious.
School is technically "out," as the last official day was last Thursday. I am here Monday through Thursday from 8-1 working on my curriculum. Because they pay me extra. Because that extra money is going towards buying me a spinning wheel. Every morning I wake up and wish I could stay in bed. The drive in to work I can actually feel my body resisting the trip North. I am antisocial while I am here. I shut my door, attempt to work, and spend large quantities of time staring in a stupor around me, wondering what the hell I am going to do if I have to move my entire classroom. Wondering what the hell I am going to do next year if I'm not here. Because teaching jobs are few and far between right now, and honestly? The drama I've dealt with all year is making me question myself. Question my choice of career. Question whether I was meant to be a teacher.
While all of this is going on, I am trying to keep a game face on. Trying to appear as though I'm shrugging it all off, as though it's all just rolling off of my back. But on the inside, I am roiling. While sitting here at my laptop I scrawled these lines down:

This feeling is building -
rising inside me.
The panic, the pressure,
that makes me want to throw up.
It wants to scratch, claw its way out,
Loose a long low cry
Rip itself from my center
so I can feel relief.

My outsides are still
But my insides are boiling.
A roiling sea of anxiety, of nausea,
of pain.

I wrap it, strap it, swallow it down.
Tighten my muscled
against its insistent urging,
its pushing to be free.
To rip, claw, hack, tear its way out,
And leave me,
hollow,
behind it.

All I want, all I need, is to make it through Thursday. Once Thursday is over, Bear and I are on our way to Bar Harbor for my birthday/our anniversary weekend. It's the first trip we take each summer and the one we look forward to most each year. Nothing is allowed to intrude on our weekend - no stress, no work, nothing but the ocean and each other. If I can make it to Friday, I will be okay. I will be able to deal with this situation, with this clusterf**k that is my life.

I'm trying. I really am.

Free for a limited time!

To the left of my blog is a new widget. Do you see it? It's for the National Bone Marrow Donor List. Please consider joining. It takes just a few minutes to register and it may save a life. For a limited time, registration is free! The promo runs until my birthday, the 22nd, or until they get 46,000 donors. I imagine they will reach that number quickly, so do what I did and sign up today! The site is easy to navigate and answers many questions people may have about becoming a donor. Feel free also to add this widget to your own blog - it's super easy to do and will help get the word out that much faster. Thanks!