Thursday, June 29, 2006

Short on Time, Long on Emotion

I'm on my lunch break so I don't have a lot of time, but I wanted to write a quick post because there are some things that need to be said.
First and most important: Bear, I love you. More now than ever before, and no class, job, or other distraction can ever take that away from us. Never have I met such a unique and multi-faceted human being. You entrance, delight and amaze me daily. I am thankful for your love, for all that we have built, for all that we will have in the future.
Second: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have been so wrapped up in myself lately that I haven't had time to take care of your emotional or physical needs. I apologize for cutting our talks short, for not remembering, for not being there for you, in every sense of that phrase. And even more than that I'm sorry because I can't promise you that it won't happen again. I can promise that I will try my very hardest never to make you feel that way again.
Third: Please understand. This experience has already begun to transform who I am as a teacher, a writer, a human being. The best transformations, the ones that last, are always the most painful. And I don't just mean for me. Please allow me to be the person I am becoming, one who is finally, after so many years, finding the words.

Finally, I am finding the words.


Thursday, June 15, 2006

End of an Era

I am officially unemployed. I'm not happy.
While most teachers are enjoying the start of their summer vacations, I am hunched over a computer, looking at classfieds, trying to find a job for next year. I have had one interview (Foxcroft Academy), but no response to three other applications I have sent out. I'm trying hard not to be discouraged, but it's tough!
What am I doing looking for a job, you ask? There's not any easy way to say it, I guess - they weren't going to renew my contract, so I had to resign. Much better to leave than be kicked out is sort of the philosophy. Am I upset? Sorta yes and sorta no. I wasn't happy where I was teaching, but it was at least a job. I loved the kids and will miss them next year. I won't miss the administration or many of my co workers, though. They were not good to work with. I hope wherever I end up, it's a happier place for me. I'm tired of looking for a home, and I'm tired of feeling the shame that comes with being told you're not good enough, that they don't want you.

My life with Bear is going perfectly, at least. My parents love him which is a huge step. I haven't told them that we're engaged yet, but I will by my birthday. I told my mom that I didn't think it would be too far away (I think she kind of knows that anyway). His family knows and most of our friends know. The wedding plans are coming together, too. I hope to take a trip to Portland this fall and look at dresses. I have an idea what I want already. I'm going to try to convince my parents to let us have the ceremony at their house, down to the pond. It will be a simple, casual affair with a potluck reception. I'm so excited! I didn't know that it was possible to be this happy, even when the rest of my life is shit. Bear is taking me camping this weekend for my birthday. We are having a picnic lunch at the top of Cadillac Mountain and then we are going to cruise around Acadia National Park and Bar Harbor for the rest of the day. I can't WAIT!