Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Crazy in Love

Have you ever had the feeling that you were going to explode, you love someone so much? That you are going to burst at the seems, that you swallowed the sun, so that your face actually hurts because you're smiling so much?
I never had, until yesterday.
We weren't even doing anything special. Bear and I had made dinner (steak - it was amazing), and had just settled down to watch a movie. He was sitting with his legs on the couch, and I was reclining between them on my stomach, my head on his chest. While we watched "I am Sam," Bear gently pulled my elastic out of my hair and stroked my hair while massaging my scalp. I don't even think he was conscious of what he was doing. I think it just came natural to him. I laid there and slowly this feeling crept up on me, becoming larger and larger each second. a smile broke out on my face and I just felt like shouting, "I LOVE YOU!"

So I did.

He just smiled and looked at me, and asked, "Now, what brought that on?" I couldn't find an appropriate response. I just shrugged, grinned some more, and kissed him. What else was I supposed to do? It seemed like the cosmos lined up in that moment to cast a beam of love directly into my brain. I don't know if I've ever experienced emotion as deep and all-encompasing like that before. It's hard to explain. I have always known that I love him, but this seemed stronger, bigger, like a tsunami in a kiddie pool.

I am SO in love with him, it's crazy.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Movin' on Up...

I've started moving in to Bear's den. I hate moving - the stress of your things beng spread out over two locations, of finding the perfect home for your things, etc. all really get me down. However, I know this is what I want. I know it all the way to my marrow. No one has ever accepted me and loved me just for me like Bear does. I've come to the realization that I live much of my life seeking others' approval. My parents, because I'm not the favorite child, my students, because I'm not their favorite teacher, even strangers, because I want them to think well of me (even when I know I will NEVER see them again). For the first time ever, me just being me is enough. I don't have to feel bad that I am susceptible to tv advertising, that I have to put honey mustard on everything I eat, that I pick my nose in the bathroom. To Bear, I am perfect.
And that feels really good.
Speaking of Bear, he is doing well. He's stressed out about the move, too, but mostly because it is exhausting work and it never seems to end. This weekend we are taking a couch, a chair, and a tv stand from upstairs to the dump, and moving in the last bits of my furniture. We got my box spring up the stairs, but had to cut out the bannister, as well as sections of the wall and three stairs. It was, to put it mildly, a clusterfuck. But it's up there, and we have put the bed to good use since getting it set up. ;)
In other news, I should be hearing soon about Maine Writing Project, and if I am going to get it. If I do, I am on track to get my master's degree next summer!! How exciting is that?? Wish me luck! :D