Summer time

It's been almost a month since I've blogged. I'm sorry, especially as my last blog showed me being in a very negative frame of mind. I'm over that, thankfully. The end of the school year brings a lot of mixed emotions. Most of what I was feeling was stemming from the fact that I don't know if I'll be back there to teach next year. I know that I don't really want to go back, but there aren't a lot of high school English teacher positions open near where I live. I've applied for three in an eighty mile radius from home. I'm waiting to hear back.

Bear and I took our annual trip to Bar Harbor the first weekend I was free from school. We take our tent and camp, as it is much cheaper than a hotel room and we can use the money we saved to do things in the Harbor. This time it poured every single day. We were soaked, frustrated, and bored. It wasn't nearly as much fun as it was last year. We'll try again next year, I guess. We did have some good times laying in the tent and reading. Each of us read through an entire novel (and I got halfway through another one).

Shortly after we returned home, Bear and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that it's been two years since we got married. Other times it feels like I've always loved him. As time passes, I am more and more convinced that I hit the husband jackpot with him. I've never met anyone as kind, caring, honest, hardworking, and funny as this man. I am more and more thankful to have him as time passes. With Bear I feel that I have a true partner in life; someone who wants the same things I want and will work with me to get them. He blogged on the day of our anniversary, saying:

Two years ago today, we met together on the shores of Pleasant Pond surrounded by our friends and family and vowed our love for each other. 730 days later we stand together still, better, stronger and if possible even more in love. We've taken on this rollercoaster and walked off the other end, sometimes a little woozy and stumbling from time to time but we have always come out the end. I love you Heather Naomi Monroe Kinne, more and more with every day. You have taught me that is alright to dream, to believe in things, and to take care of myself as well as others. You have stood by me when others would have run. You have showed me unhindered devotion and caring. I truly believe that you are the thing that makes me complete and I feel so lucky to have you. I love you, babe. Happy Anniversary

Other than that I've been working at Rite Aid and hanging out with Bear. He's been laid off this month so it's been nice to have him home each day. He's sweet enough to bring me to work and pick me up most days, as well as do housekeeping chores and get the mail. I am really spoiled. This is the first week since April that has had more than two sunny days in a row - Maine has had rain almost every single day this spring/summer. It's been really hard to accomplish anything outside. At least the rain means my flowers are growing, I guess.

So much has been going on in the bloggy world - Alice had her baby (Hi Austin!), Hallie is almost to her goal of 5,000 dollars raised for Organ Donation Awareness, and Fox is in the Southwest with a marvelous man (who totally needs to guest blog so that we can all "meet" him), and Cheryl is trying her best to make lemonade out of lemons. I wish you all the best in your summer adventures!

I'll try to be back to semi-regluar blogging (I think I needed a mental break from it all). Thanks to all of you for sticking with me!

I'm trying, I really am.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

For those of you that don't know me in real life or follow me on Plurk, you may not know that I got pink slipped from school on Friday. It's the teacher half of my job, not the ed tech half, although where that's concerned I've been told I *might* not be a high school literacy ed tech III next year; I may be an ed tech II in the Elementary school Special Ed room. While the superintendent is "confident I'll be able to return in the spring," I am not. I don't believe that the town will care enough about my half of a position to save it, when it means less money out of their pockets. I didn't get either of the two jobs I applied for a few weeks ago (I got my application in too late), so I'm becoming increasingly desperate and frustrated and hopeless and anxious.
School is technically "out," as the last official day was last Thursday. I am here Monday through Thursday from 8-1 working on my curriculum. Because they pay me extra. Because that extra money is going towards buying me a spinning wheel. Every morning I wake up and wish I could stay in bed. The drive in to work I can actually feel my body resisting the trip North. I am antisocial while I am here. I shut my door, attempt to work, and spend large quantities of time staring in a stupor around me, wondering what the hell I am going to do if I have to move my entire classroom. Wondering what the hell I am going to do next year if I'm not here. Because teaching jobs are few and far between right now, and honestly? The drama I've dealt with all year is making me question myself. Question my choice of career. Question whether I was meant to be a teacher.
While all of this is going on, I am trying to keep a game face on. Trying to appear as though I'm shrugging it all off, as though it's all just rolling off of my back. But on the inside, I am roiling. While sitting here at my laptop I scrawled these lines down:

This feeling is building -
rising inside me.
The panic, the pressure,
that makes me want to throw up.
It wants to scratch, claw its way out,
Loose a long low cry
Rip itself from my center
so I can feel relief.

My outsides are still
But my insides are boiling.
A roiling sea of anxiety, of nausea,
of pain.

I wrap it, strap it, swallow it down.
Tighten my muscled
against its insistent urging,
its pushing to be free.
To rip, claw, hack, tear its way out,
And leave me,
hollow,
behind it.

All I want, all I need, is to make it through Thursday. Once Thursday is over, Bear and I are on our way to Bar Harbor for my birthday/our anniversary weekend. It's the first trip we take each summer and the one we look forward to most each year. Nothing is allowed to intrude on our weekend - no stress, no work, nothing but the ocean and each other. If I can make it to Friday, I will be okay. I will be able to deal with this situation, with this clusterf**k that is my life.

I'm trying. I really am.

Free for a limited time!

To the left of my blog is a new widget. Do you see it? It's for the National Bone Marrow Donor List. Please consider joining. It takes just a few minutes to register and it may save a life. For a limited time, registration is free! The promo runs until my birthday, the 22nd, or until they get 46,000 donors. I imagine they will reach that number quickly, so do what I did and sign up today! The site is easy to navigate and answers many questions people may have about becoming a donor. Feel free also to add this widget to your own blog - it's super easy to do and will help get the word out that much faster. Thanks!

A weather eye*

Last night while my husband was mowing the lawn (for the third time in a row, even though we are *supposed* to take turns), I wandered around the house looking for something productive to do. I'd just returned from hanging out the laundry, and it is painfully obvious to me that it's time for a new clothespin bag. My current one is hanging on by one rusty grommet and is all ripped to shreds:

An idea struck me: I will SEW a new one! I came up with a simple pattern in a pretty purple fabric and set about making it. As I was cutting the fabric, the thought occurred to me that it's as easy to make two as it is to make one. And if I made two, I could give one away! Sweet!

So keep a weather eye on the bloggy horizon, for in the next week or two I should be posting pics of the clothespin bag and details on how you can win one for your very own!

*This exact entry was re-posted to my other blog, as well, so if you read both, you're not seeing double. I promise.

At least it wasn't all bad...

Friday morning I had to go to the doctor's office, as I thought maybe my nose was broken. Bear and I were roughhousing (whatever. There are no parents around to warn us about such things) and I took an accidental headbutt to the nose. Bear and I both heard the crunch of my nose and backed up in preparation for the gush of blood we both thought was coming. It never did, and my nose didn't swell and I didn't get a black eye. But I had a headache for DAYS right over my nose and it wouldn't go away.

I shouldn't have wasted my time. The doctor took my blood pressure and pulse, asked me a few questions, felt my nose for a second, ("does this hurt? How about this?") and said that it might be broken and it might not, but unless I lose my sense of smell or neurological function, that there was nothing to be done and I should take ibuprofen for the pain.

Couldn't she have told me that over the phone??

I had to go to school after that because I was scheduled to meet with the superintendent of our district at 2pm. 2pm meetings on Fridays are NEVER a good sign. My principal said he would go in with me, which made me feel marginally better as my principal rocks. Bear, who only works half the day on Friday came too but hung out in my room during the meeting.

Remember a while back when I posted about possibly losing the teacher half of my job? Well that never happened. But just as I was breathing a sigh of relief, news of this meeting came down. Here's what happened:

Our school is losing a 1/2 time library aid position. The person in that position is an ed tech III. She is taking my ed tech III position because she has more seniority than me. I am being busted down to an ed tech II and will have to spend half of each day in the elementary school special ed room. I am losing about six dollars an hour, times three hours a day for a daily loss of about eighteen dollars. Multiply that by ten times in the two week pay period and I lose $180 a paycheck. It's ridiculous, and what's worse is there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. This is exactly the way the contract says it is supposed to be done. The real kicker is that the lady taking my ed tech III position is not qualified to teach English - she has a math degree. I'm three classes away from obtaining my master's degree in literacy education.

I put my principal on notice that I am looking for a new job. I don't know for sure if I'll get one, so I'm not resigning from the job I currently have, but my teaching career has to last me the next thirty years. I cannot take a step BACK like this. I must keep moving forward. Please wish me luck as I apply for the two jobs I blogged about last week. I will be applying for any other positions in a fifty mile radius of my home that are full time H.S. English positions.

Because Friday was such a sucky day, Bear decided I needed a little bit of retail therapy. I've been in the market for a new cell phone since February. Friday night, I came home with this baby:

It's an LG Banter, a cell phone with a complete QWERTY keyboard. And the best part? It's kelly green. I LOVE it. It's made of awesome, and it helped take the edge off of Friday. I love the phone, and I love love love Bear for buying it for me. He's really what keeps me together.

Hmmm...

I know what it means when you find one of these:



But what does it mean when you find one of these:
That's a five leaf clover. FIVE. I found it and two four leaf clovers Sunday morning while taking down the tent at my parents. Here are all three in Bear's shirt pocket:


It was a great weekend. A perfect weekend. Bear's good at making those possible. it's one of the reasons I'm so lucky to have him. As in, five leaf clover lucky.

A Fragmented Friday - with Pictures!

It's Friday, and I'm pissed at my students right now (NOT ONE OF THEM did their homework from last class. not ONE. Damnit!) so I'm blogging instead. Since I didn't plan on blogging today and don't have a post in mind, I thought I'd share some recent pics off of my camera with you.

First, I don't know if you know this about me, but I love, love, love being a contradiction. A straight A student with a tattoo and tongue ring. A teacher who listens to rock and drives fast. A woman who owns a pickup truck. You know... contradictory stuff. That's why when I went running on Wednesday, I wore this shirt:Last year I participated in Gift of Green's Clothesline Challenge. It's a simple challenge, really - dry as much of your laundry outside as you can. I have an enormous clothes line - it comfortably holds about eight loads of laundry. It's empty this morning after bringing in the three loads that were on it, but you can see that it's heavy duty:
You can park a pickup underneath that thing. There are eight lines strung with room for three more if I need them. It's made of awesome. Click to embiggen the picture.

Unfortunately, all that clothes hanging has done a number on my clothespin bag. Look at how sad it is:I really ought to make a new one. I will have to look at my fabric stash and see what I can come up with. This one is ripped, is hanging on by just one side, has a rusty hook... it's hurt.

This time of year is one of the best times to ride the road I do to work each day, as the moose are out in full force. I saw eight in one morning! I see at least a couple of moose each day. I try to take pictures of them if no one's behind me (and there rarely is), but moose are notoriously camera shy:I love seeing the moose each spring, seeing how many of them came through the winter okay, who has new babies and who has gotten bigger. This morning, I saw my first dead moose on the roadside. She made it through the winter, only to be hit and killed by a truck this spring. It's awful. I am consoled a bit by the knowledge that the moose's carcass will feed the pack of coyotes that crossed the road just North of her. I try to remind myself that although humans definitely interfere with nature even on my road, at least nature is making the best of it.


Finally, I spent some time on Tuesday working in my three raised bed gardens. So far I've planted tomato, green pepper, lettuce, and strawberries (I only took a pic of the lettuce):
The chives come up each year on their own, but this is the first year I'll have chive flowers: Last fall I transplanted some tulips I found forgotten in a back corner of the house to my front flower bed with my crocus bulbs, and they made it through the winter and bloomed nicely:

Have a great weekend, everyone. I know I will!

Bear-y Loved

That's a terrible pun (for which I apologize), but I just wanted to share with you the wonderful thing Bear has planned for us Saturday.

Let me back up. Bear and I have been married almost two years and been together three and a half years, and in that time I have come to realize just how lucky I am to have Bear in my life. You see, we don't have a lot of the issues other couples do. We genuinely like each other, for one. We never belittle each other to friends or call each other names. We rarely fight, and if we do it is focused on a behavior, not a personality trait. We have similar views on many things including the importance of working each day and of paying off our debt. Often we think the same thing at the same time (at least every other day one of us says, "I was just thinking that!"). There is a solid foundation of support for each other - he supports my love of fiber, and I encourage him to continue his education. We don't fight about the things other couples fight about, because we don't upset each other. We both understand and value alone time, and there is no jealousy or clingy-ness to our love.

In short, we're great together.

When I first met Bear, I didn't think I wanted to date him. He wasn't my type, for one, and I'd just gotten out of a relationship, for two. But Bear was so sure he wanted me - he never pushed or pressured, but he made me understand that he wanted to be with me and he would do whatever it took to make me feel the same way. He convinced me to fall in love with him, and I've never regretted it.

I think it's that need to convince me that makes him continue to work so hard at making me happy. If I've had a bad day at work, he cuddles me on the couch, and if I'm feeling fat he encourages me to go for a run (even when I whine about it).

Saturday, he's taking me on a picnic.

I have been wishing lately that I could take him up my road to work as the moose are out and I know he loves seeing them as much as I do. When I learned I didn't have to work on Saturday, I considered asking him to take a drive with me in the morning. I should have known better, because I didn't even have to ask. on Monday, Bear asked me if I'd like to leave early Saturday morning and go for a drive in the North Maine Woods to look for moose. "We'll pack a picinic," he said, "with turkey sandwiches and brownies for dessert. We'll drive up the Golden Road and look at all the moose. We'll stop at Dunkin Donuts and get a hot breakfast and coffee. It'll be just you and me, all day, with no hurrying. What do you think?"

What do I think?


I think that sounds perfect.

Inservice Day

Today is a half-day teacher inservice day. I am supposed to be working on my curriculum development. However, since my curriculum is in pretty good shape, I'll be cleaning up the mess that I call my classroom. Normally I wouldn't care about the mess factor of my room until that last week of school, the week when the students refuse to do work and I'm too exhausted to make them, but this week has brought some changes that are causing me re-evaluate my previously apathetic stance.

I'm applying for a new job. Two, actually.

It's not that I'm resigning from this teaching job, because I'm not. But remember this post? I've come to realize that no one here (at least in the administration capacity) is going to bat for me if someone decides that she wants my job. For now it appears that I will be here next year, but I just can't trust that. There are two good teaching positions open in other districts and I have decided that it's a good idea to apply for them. Just in case the ground falls out from under me as it has done twice now already. So I'm going to apply for these two jobs and hope that I get an interview. If I get an interview, I might get an offer. If I get an offer, I can decide if the devil I know is better or worse than the devil I don't.

Here's a comparison of the teaching jobs:

Current Job
1/2 time teacher, 1/2 ed tech
pay decreases during vacation/summer
Sneaky superintendent of Doom
Drive my road each day
Stay in Brownville JCT
Bear close to adult office
Less money/year
Keep second job
Lots of teaching freedom
Tenure (for what it's worth)

New Job(s)
Full time teacher
Pay is same year-round
Superintendent of undetermined Doominess
Different commute (one of them would be longer)
Move this fall (to shorten commute)
Bear close to future Alma Mater
More money/year
Quit second job
Undetermined teaching freedom
Two more years until tenure

Feel free to weigh in on what you think I should do. I've got collect a few more materials before I can send off my applications, including getting a letter of recommendation from the senior English teacher here. The woman is intimidating like nobody's business and scares the crap out of me. I've been trying to screw up the courage to ask her all week. I have to do it today so I can get things mailed out next week some time. These two positions will get a lot of applicants, so I need to have my application in the pile before they start scheduling interviews.

Eek!

The List

My list is finished. I hope to have it posted on the sidebar to my blog (I may have to fiddle with things to get it there) as well as a countdown. If I begin today, my ending date is February 8, 2012. Feel free to comment on what you think of it. I broke the list into several categories: Relationships, Bear and I, Craft Related, Personal and Professional/Educational. That should help me keep things separate. Also, a few of my items have a 0/# at the end of them - that is how many times out of the total I've completed. I'd like to figure out how to put a strike through over the text of a number as I complete it, but I haven't yet learned how to make that happen. I will. I know this list is incredibly long (you don't have to read it all - I won't be offended), but for those of you who are making lists of your own (like Cheryl) I hope you find some inspiration.

Relationships
1. Create tradition of weekly correspondence w/ Caitlin, Amy Jean, Alicia, Tara, Daddy and Leigh Anne 0/6
2. Have a summer gathering/cookout
3. Send ten people unexpected gifts 0/10
4. Take friends’ children to water park/animal park/museum/shopping 0/6
5. Improve Zedd’s skin and coat 0/2
6. Snuggle Zedd for fifteen minutes at least once a week 0/143
7. Send Christmas cards to everyone
8. Call friends/family on their birthdays
9. Host a Christmas party
Bear and I
10. Streamline camping gear
11. Help Bear enroll in college
12. Turn wedding vows into art and hang in house
13. Get new copy of marriage certificate and hang in house
14. Buy Bear woodworking tools
15. Move out of Brownville Junction
16. Buy land
17. Build home
18. Take an overnight train ride
19. Write our wills, living wills, and burial wishes
20. Shoot .308 until I’m comfortable with it
21. Hike Gulf Hagas, Pleasant River Walk, a new Bar Harbor trail
22. Teach Bear to ride a bike
23. Get a new digital camera
24. Pay off Capital One loan
25. Watch the stars with Bear
26. Go on a picnic
27. Get married on a tropical sandy beach (the way we wanted to do it originally)
28. Take a ballroom or Latin dancing class
29. Get insurance on house
30. Put up a real Christmas tree
31. Pay off Orchard Bank Mastercard
32. Donate toys for Toys for Tots
33. Get Bear a tattoo
Personal
34. Run 5 miles at one time
35. Run three times a week each of summer vacation 0/30
36. Take voice/piano/violin/flute lessons
37. Purge wardrobe of old clothes and donate them
38. Make homemade ice cream
39. Research and have electrolysis on stomach
40. Double regular dinner menu
41. Learn to make five vegetarian meals 0/5
42. Learn to make blueberry wine
43. Get passport
44. Visit a foreign country
45. Get a new tattoo
46. Get rings sized
47. Go SCUBA diving
48. Pay off University debt
49. Hold a contest on both blogs
50. Send a secret to PostSecret
51. Find and use farmer’s market each summer for produce
52. Figure out spleen pain issue
53. Go back to chiropractor each summer 0/3
54. Do ten pushups every day for a month
55. Take an eight week (or longer)yoga class
56. update and complete my address book
57. Get camera repaired/cleaned
58. Locate & organize all big ticket receipts/manuals in file cabinet
59. Locate & organize all pet medical records
60. Adopt a dog
61. Act on a good idea before I can talk myself out of it
62. Compete in five 5k races
63. Grow catnip and sunflowers 0/2
64. Read ten classical literature texts 0/10
65. Grow sufficient produce to impact our grocery bill
66. Overcome fear of basement
67. Put out birdseed in winter and hummingbird food in summer
68. Make and send Plurk friendship packages
Craft Related
69. Knit/sew family cats catnip toys 0/9
70. Make a circular needle storage case
71. Buy knitting needles to create complete sets of dpn & circulars (0-11)
72. Learn to use a sewing pattern correctly
73. Make cat beds for Humane Society
74. Make and use reusable grocery bags 0/6
75. Design and knit a pair of socks
76. Publish sock pattern to Ravelry
77. Knit Icarus shawl for Grammie
78. Knit five things for charity 0/5
79. Finished Cabled Pullover with Hood
80. Learn to dye fiber
81. Organize knit-along for Knit Group
82. Sell hand-dyed/handspun
83. Buy spinning wheel
84. Finish spinning/plying WIP fibers 0/6
85. Knit Caitlin an Elephante
86. Knit Thomas a giraffe
87. Pay it forward
88. Complete all sewing repair projects (including pants buttons)
Professional/Educational
89. Finish first draft of novel
90. Find a full-time teaching job
91. Do required things for Incomplete grad class
92. Quit second job
93. Attend another Maine Writing Project conference
94. Find and teach an excellent piece of world literature
95. Get a short story/personal essay published
96. Obtain Master’s Degree in Literacy Education
97. Get a new copy of degree; throw water-stained one away
98. Create a display of diploma, degree, and tassels
99. Write and publish a professional article
100. Finish aligning curriculum
101. Post a poem a day during poetry unit next year

101 Update

At the urgings of all of my bloggy friends, I have decided to create a list of 101 things to do in 1,001 days. I'm currently in the process of creating the list now. At the current time I have twenty-four items on my list. It may take me quite some time to come up with the complete list, and I'm not going to post it until I have the entire thing.
What I would like are some suggestions. What should I be doing for the next three years? Big, small - all ideas are welcome. Some of the things I'm thinking about are personal, others professional, still others financial. I've decided to put in things that are for both Bear and I to accomplish; we're a team, so if I do part of it, he'll help with the other part. He's good like that.

So let's here it - what should I be doing?

101 in 1001

This morning I was reading blogs, which I do while I wait for my school day to begin, when I saw something in a sidebar caught my attention. I'd seen it before (it's been on this blog since I started reading it), but for some reason today it called out to me to be examined further. The blogger is a knitter/podcaster/artist/fantastico named Miss Violet and the something was a list called "101 in 1,001." I clicked on it and discovered that it was a list of 101 things Miss Violet hopes to accomplish in 1,001 days. Many of the things had already been completed and crossed off the list, some are partially done, and others have yet to be touched. You can see her list here.

Ms. V's list has some really important things on it. Things like writing her will. And spinning all of her fiber stash. And writing thank you notes instead of thank you emails.
About her list she says:

"... after 101 things, my life will be better, my health will be better, and my relationships should be better."

Who doesn't want all of those things? I certainly do. And I know there are things that I should be doing that I don't, because they aren't easy or because I forget or because I'd rather be plurking with my friends or reading a good book. So I'm thinking more and more about creating my own 101 in 1,001 list. I wonder, though, if I should do one for just me, or if Bear and I should create one together? There are things I want us to accomplish together (moving, writing our wills), and there are things I want to do on my own (run 5 miles, write my grandmother a letter, learn to play the violin). I don't know if we can create a list of 101 things that are for the both of us, but I don't want to list communal tasks as "mine," because I will feel responsible for them. And I can't be the only one responsible for moving or writing a will or fixing the ball bearing in the truck.

Of course I haven't discussed this with Bear yet. I don't even know if it is something he would want to do. The list is a public thing (at least, mine will be); seeing it every day is the only way I will get the items on it accomplished. I'm asking you, dear reader, to weigh in. Go to Miss Violet's website, and look at her list. Look at the home page for 101 in 1,001. Tell me what you think. Is a list that big even doable? What sorts of things should I put on it? Should I add "our" things to "my" things? Is this a bad idea in general? A good idea? Sometimes when I get an idea, I can't look at it from other angles. I just fixate on a single thought (right now that thought is "this looks like a great idea and I want to be a better person, a healthier person, a more complete person. This list might be my ticket there").

So? What about it?

Ahh, the week's end

I like Thursdays. It's late enough in the week that I can start looking forward to the weekend but far enough away that I don't have to worry about working at job #2. I do have to work Friday night, but that shift will be better than usual because we are having a baby shower for my friend Amanda. Her pregnancy is almost over - she's got about three and a half weeks to go officially, although she has been having contractions for months so the doctors don't think she'll go that long. I made her baby bootees (pics here) and bought her a thermometer and some infant tylenol. She's a practical woman and will appreciate practical gifts, I think. I hope. Otherwise, it's a pretty lame gift. I don't know what else to get her, honestly. I can't wait to meet this baby. It seems that we've been keeping our fingers crossed for so long that it will be a relief when we hear that little Abigail is born and is a healthy baby. Although I've blogged before about how I don't want children of my own, I love my friends' children and want all the best for them. Amanda has wanted this baby so for many years. She deserves this happiness.

I have Saturday off completely, which is a rare gift. Bear will be attending a Logging Expo with his brother-in-law, so I'll have some alone time - another rare gift. Most often I do chores when I am home alone. I seem to get much more accomplished when Bear is not nearby. The boy distracts me to no end! So the usual chores - dishes, laundry, picking up, vacuuming, etc. will be done, but I think it's time for something more. Something outdoors. The chore that most needs to be done is raking.

I hate raking.

There isn't a single chore I loathe more than raking. When I was growing up, that was one of the chores my parents insisted I do. We had seven acres of land - that's a LOT of raking. and I didn't just have to rake; I had to haul the leaves away and dump them, too. Every day when I got home from school I had to change my clothes and go outside to rake. For a minimum of two hours each day. Fall, spring, it didn't matter - there was always raking to be done. I wasn't allowed to wait until all of the leaves fell from a tree, either. Oh, no. That would be too easy. I had to rake the same place several times until the snow cover was too deep to continue. I raked until my hands blistered and my nose dripped. It was torture.

So how can I? How can I willingly do that which I swore I would never do again?

The answer? Because it's different. Somehow, these leaves, this grass, these pine needles that blanket the ground aren't like the ones at my parents' house. Well, literally they are the same leaves - the trees on our property are the same kind that my parents have, but the idea of raking them doesn't chafe as badly as it used to. Although I know that my muscles and hands will protest the abuse they will be subjected to, my mind (which previously was the loudest protester of all of my parts) isn't voicing a single complaint. Because this is our house. Our first home as a married couple, and Bear's ancestral home. I want it to look its best for him. I want the house to know that we cared for it. Especially since I don't know how many more seasons we will be living here. Our trip has shown us that we do not want to stay in Central Maine. We want to move on, to start fresh in a place where our past and our history don't live, too. A place that we will make a home together, at the same time.

Until then, it looks like I'll be spending Saturday taking care of the home we have now.

What are you doing this weekend?

Ahhhhhh...

That's my sigh of relief and relaxation. Bear and I are back from our weekend away (we got back Sunday afternoon). We had a fabulous time. The land did not fail to work its magic on me; I was relaxed the moment we arrived.

Tide Mill Farms is an interesting place, and one that always has something (usually several somethings) going on. No one was home at my aunt's house except the cholocate lab Annabelle, so after saying hello to her we headed down to the barn. My cousin Aaron was there moving hay bales with his tractor before starting the afternoon milking. His wife and children pulled up in their van on their way to the public pool in town and stopped to say hi. I said hello and hugged the little ones, then headed into the barn to play with the calves before watching the milking process.

Baby cows are the most adorable little things in the world. Aaron is trying to increase his herd size, so every spring there are dozens of calves to admire:

Those ones are cute, aren't they? But there was one calf named Bitsey who totally and utterly stole my heart:

Bitsey has an underbite so her teeth poke out and give her the most comical expression. Isn't she adorable? I wanted to take her home, but was reminded that she wouldn't stay small and cute forever. Sigh. Oh well. I know where she lives and can come visit her any time.

After watching the milking, Bear and I wandered around the coastline for a while. Tide Mill Farms has 1,700 acres and over a mile of shoreline. Their land has fields, forests, mountains, rivers, a dam, ocean frontage... they've got everything. Some pics of the afternoon:

That night at dinner (steak, hamsteak, fresh salad greens, peas, potatoes and raw milk) Bear and I caught up on farm happenings. We learned that the eagles were nesting in the front field (as they have been for over a dozen years now), that the children have been doing tons of fun things as part of their homeschooling (including learning to play violins!), and that life, in general, keeps going. Dinner was filling, the company was terrific, and we got a great chance to catch up. In the morning after milking, Bear and I headed to Aaron and his wife Carly's house to wrangle some pigs and then watch the children while Carly ran an errand in town. The pig wrangling wasn't as exciting as it sounds - we were trying to get three male pigs into a trailer to be slaughtered and leave the girl pigs in their pen. The male pigs weren't having it, though, and totally ignored all of our attempts to move/herd them. Carly did get them in the trailer later that day when they were hungry. So we watched three of the ninth generation while Aaron and Carly did their things. The three kids - Hailey, 8, Paige, 6, and Henry, 3 - were utterly exhausting. They have tons of energy and were all over the place. It was terrific, though. The girls played their violins for us, I made them lunch, we all hung out in the living room, and generally had a good time. The kids are so SMART they amaze me.

Of course, after watching the kids I needed a nap so I went back to my aunt's house and did that while Bear helped out with the afternoon milking. Another fantastic dinner of spaghetti, bread, and more salad greens, and I was ready for bed. Jane, Bob, Bear, and I did all hang out at the kitchen table and talk for a while, though. It is so nice to be in their house - the kitchen is where you want to be, sipping coffee, admiring the view, petting Annabelle, and visiting. I dream about that kitchen when I'm not there. Nowhere else feels quite so homey.

On Sunday we had flying pancakes for breakfast. A favorite of mine since I was very small, flying pancakes are blueberry pancakes that are flung from the stove to the table - a distance of about twelve feet. My uncle Bob is an amazing pancake flyer - he can get them to the table from over his shoulder, under his leg... I was trying to be grown up and not ask for them this time, but they must have known I wanted them because I got them. They were delicious! I caught one pic of Bob mid-fling:

We took a quick trip to West Quoddy Head Lighthouse, the Easternmost tip of the United States. The lighthouse is fantastic and we had the place to ourselves. We took lots of pictures of that, too:

We got back to the farm around noon, loaded up the car with our stuff and some organic meat and milk and took our leave. It was sad to say goodbye to the farm and to my family, especially since it was three years between the last trip and this one. I hope it isn't that long between trips again. This place is just such a part of me. I hate being away from it. Hopefully soon we will get a chance to get back there. Until then, I have my memories, and my pictures, and some pork sausage in my freezer. Life is good.

Temptation, Thy Name is Bear

I love my husband. He is very good to me. And usually, he is good *for* me - I believe he makes me a better person.

Except when he doesn't.

Except when he tempts me with something fun and fabulous, but will mean I have to break a rule. Lie. Do something I'm not supposed to.

This is what's happening right now.

You see, we are leaving Friday afternoon to go to my Aunt and Uncle's farm in Washington County, Maine. As soon as I am home from teaching, we will hop in the car and drive to the coast. My husband has decided that he is taking the whole day off ...

And he wants me to do it, too.

And he makes some really good arguments.

If I take Friday off, I will:

• Get french toast, bacon, and coffee for breakfast - and he'll bring it to me in bed.
• Have $20 to spend at Fiberphilia, Orono's yarn store.
  
• Get extra time on the coast - towns like Machias, Eastport, and more.
  
• Maybe go to Machias' yarn store, too.
• Have to spend less time in a vehicle (I have tendinitis in my legs which makes sitting for long periods excruciatingly painful).
• Make my husband very, very, happy.

It's that last one that gets me. I want to make him happy, and I know that we will have a fabulous time. But it's the Friday before April vacation and I know it will look suspicious if I am not here at school that day. I have the sick time (so will just have to call out sick), but it's tough to do. I also have to make sub plans for that day, and it is difficult to give kids something worthwhile to do that a sub can administer. Because subs really aren't good at thinking for themselves. Or at following directions.

I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do. I may try to schedule a doctor's appointment for that morning so that I can get all the fun things, but also legitimately be out of school that day. And really, wouldn't that be the best of both worlds?

One week and counting!

One more week until I leave all the backstabbing, political bullshit and go where the world makes sense. Where the ebb and flow of the tides take my stress and return tranquility. I will be surrounded by growth, renewal, and the natural way of things. People I love and who love me will be there, and together with the land will heal all the damage that's been done to me.

I will be home.

Three Strikes and I'm Probably Out

Yesterday I had very little to post, and today I have so much to post I'm not sure that I will be able to clearly articulate it all. My world was turned upside down yesterday and I'm still trying to find my footing. Here's what happened.

Yesterday afternoon my principal came into my room and shut my door. That was unusual. He sat down and said, "Something was dropped on my desk yesterday and I feel that you should know about it. I'm not sure what anything means yet, but I and a few of the teachers feel that you should be made aware, as it may affect your job." I listened as he went on to explain several seemingly disjointed pieces of news that put together, pointed in the direction that I may be "laid off" at the end of this year:

1. There is a teacher at the elementary school who's position will be eliminated due to budget cuts.
2. This teacher has wanted to teach at the high school for a number of years.
3. The superintendent asked this teacher to draft a curriculum for a creative writing class at the high school level.
   
4. This teacher has more seniority than I do.
   

What the gist is (or what I could gather) is that this teacher wants my job, but because she's full time at the elementary, she was asked to make up a class in order to be full time up here (I'm only half-time now). What *really* makes me mad is the fact that there is a first year teacher at the elementary school at could and SHOULD be laid off before me. But because this woman wants MY job, she may get it. Which means the first year teacher stays at the elementary school and the third year teacher (me) gets laid off or "downstaffed" as they call it. AND the person replacing me gets the full time position I've been asking for for THREE YEARS.

I told my principal that I wasn't surprised, and really, I'm not. This may the third teaching job out of THREE that I've lost due to someone else wanting to be where I was. It's enough to drive me straight out of education. I am just so sick of the plotting and conspiring going on behind my back. I am so fed up with being in this situation. My husband and principal have both cautioned me against overreacting, since we don't "know" anything yet. I told them both the same thing: get ready for a fight. I will file a grievance, go to the board, go to the newspapers if I have to; I will not give up my job without fighting as hard as I can to protect what I've worked so hard for. I will keep you all posted when I learn something new. Until then - wish me some luck, won't you?

Miscellany

No one cohesive thought for today, so I've organized the miscellany and posted it below:

• The conference I went to Saturday was phenomenal. I wrote a lot, was re-inspired to write, enjoyed my time among my peers. I am working on making writing a more frequent practice.
• I didn't realize how much I missed by brother and his wife until I saw them on Saturday - they are really my favorite people (excluding Bear, of course). It was awesome seeing them.
  
• I am so incredibly fortunate to have the husband I do. The more I listen to people, the more I speak with friends and family, the more I realize that my husband and my marriage are truly awesome. I'm very, very lucky to be married to someone I respect, get along with, who is a good person and a hard worker. Someone who doesn't participate in illegal activities or immoral behaviors. In short, I lucked out big time. I hope he knows how I feel.
• Many unlucky and terrible things have been happening to people I know - marriages failing, accidental deaths, mental illness, drunken psychos threatening to kill neighbors ... the world has become a sad scary place lately. Even in my small corner of the world. I just want to hug everyone until all the scariness and sadness go away.
  
• My husband has taken the giant step to go back to school. He has his diploma, but is taking more rigorous classes in preparation for enrolling in college. I am so proud of him! I know he will make as exceptional a student as he does a man.
  
• I am looking forward to this spring and summer as a time that I can renew my running. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I went for a walk on Monday. It was hard not to break out into a run right then. I miss the feeling of movement, of accomplishing something difficult, of each day making it further than I did before. I am walking this week, and next week will start back with my running program. It's the same program I used last time, although I hope to be able to start at week two instead of week one like last year.
  

That's all I've got - what are you up to?

Already April

It's April. Has been for three days now. I am in a state of shock over it, honestly, since I spend my days in a fog of work and exhaustion. I measure my time by how many days it is until my next day off, and plod through each day until I get there. I am fortunate in that I have only today to get through this time, because I have the entire weekend off (insert happy banana dance here). I won't get much rest tomorrow since I'm headed down state to a conference, but the conference is one I am looking forward to. It's called "Writing Ourselves" and it will be a chance for me to focus on myself for an entire day (and who doesn't want to do that?). I will get the added bonus of reuniting with some of my Maine Writing Project friends, whom I miss dearly. Once the conference is over, I am going to meet up with my brother and sister-in-law in Bangor for some fun times at the Sea Dog Restaurant and Pub. I have not seen either of them in months and miss them terribly. I can't WAIT to catch up with Tara!!

Sunday I have no plans. At all. I just want to hang out with my husband, to rest and relax and bond with the man who makes me happier than all others. I may even make him pancakes. Because Sunday is pancakes day and I haven't been able to enjoy pancakes day in a while because I've been working.

Speaking of working, my first official shift as "Shift Supervisor" is tonight. Eek! Wish me luck - I'm horribly nervous about it.

It's ON, Baby!

Email from my aunt today:
"The weekend of the eighteenth should work. Can't wait to see you!"

Wahoo!! Escape is gonna happen, and even SOONER than I thought. That's really the best news I received all week.

I just have to make it till then.