Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I'm trying, I really am.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

For those of you that don't know me in real life or follow me on Plurk, you may not know that I got pink slipped from school on Friday. It's the teacher half of my job, not the ed tech half, although where that's concerned I've been told I *might* not be a high school literacy ed tech III next year; I may be an ed tech II in the Elementary school Special Ed room. While the superintendent is "confident I'll be able to return in the spring," I am not. I don't believe that the town will care enough about my half of a position to save it, when it means less money out of their pockets. I didn't get either of the two jobs I applied for a few weeks ago (I got my application in too late), so I'm becoming increasingly desperate and frustrated and hopeless and anxious.
School is technically "out," as the last official day was last Thursday. I am here Monday through Thursday from 8-1 working on my curriculum. Because they pay me extra. Because that extra money is going towards buying me a spinning wheel. Every morning I wake up and wish I could stay in bed. The drive in to work I can actually feel my body resisting the trip North. I am antisocial while I am here. I shut my door, attempt to work, and spend large quantities of time staring in a stupor around me, wondering what the hell I am going to do if I have to move my entire classroom. Wondering what the hell I am going to do next year if I'm not here. Because teaching jobs are few and far between right now, and honestly? The drama I've dealt with all year is making me question myself. Question my choice of career. Question whether I was meant to be a teacher.
While all of this is going on, I am trying to keep a game face on. Trying to appear as though I'm shrugging it all off, as though it's all just rolling off of my back. But on the inside, I am roiling. While sitting here at my laptop I scrawled these lines down:

This feeling is building -
rising inside me.
The panic, the pressure,
that makes me want to throw up.
It wants to scratch, claw its way out,
Loose a long low cry
Rip itself from my center
so I can feel relief.

My outsides are still
But my insides are boiling.
A roiling sea of anxiety, of nausea,
of pain.

I wrap it, strap it, swallow it down.
Tighten my muscled
against its insistent urging,
its pushing to be free.
To rip, claw, hack, tear its way out,
And leave me,
hollow,
behind it.

All I want, all I need, is to make it through Thursday. Once Thursday is over, Bear and I are on our way to Bar Harbor for my birthday/our anniversary weekend. It's the first trip we take each summer and the one we look forward to most each year. Nothing is allowed to intrude on our weekend - no stress, no work, nothing but the ocean and each other. If I can make it to Friday, I will be okay. I will be able to deal with this situation, with this clusterf**k that is my life.

I'm trying. I really am.

3 comments:

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Hang in there. I can't imagine how stressful this all is for you. Enjoy your weekend to the fullest. Sounds like it might be just what you need.

Hallie :)

Alice said...

I was in a similar place three years ago. I know it doesn't help now...but you're going to be fine. In fact, you're going to be better than fine. Right now, all you need to do is tread water. Just keep your head up. One day at a time. And when that is too much - one moment at a time. I think you are so much like me...and the one thing I learned was that my darkest hour turned out to be my finest moment...I rose to the occasion when needed. As will you...remember faith is know that when you reach the end of all the light you know and you step out into darkness, one of two things will happen - you will be given something solid to stand on or you will find your wings and fly.

I'm betting your going to fly just fine.

Cheryl said...

I have not been blogging in a while, so I am so sorry I missed this. It must be so very stressful for you and frankly it sucks to be treated like this. Can you get unemployment, since you technically got the pink slip? Many of our teachers get pinks slips in June, collect unemployment in the summer and get rehired in the fall. Just a thought.
My other thought is that you don't think about it it all. Sometimes things like this turn into opportunities. Your true love is knitting and spinning, who knows what that can lead to? Your in a tourist state, your in a state needs warm things, your baking skills are amazing (at least from the pictures) and these are things you love. There are always a need for tutors, on your schedule, your price. I could go on and on, but my point is, don't worry about what you can't control, at this point. Just enjoy your time with Bear and making your home your cozy place. You don't deserve to be unhappy. No way.
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