On Writing

Bear and I both have blogs. If you've clicked on his link to the left, you've no doubt noticed that he doesn't update very often. Of course, he isn't able to blog while he should be working, as I am. You'll also notice if you've read his blog, that he writes terrifically well, and he often writes wonderful things about me (or us). That is where the idea for this blog came from, actually, as I wanted a place where I could do the same. I am guilty of the cardinal sin of most bloggers, however; I mostly blog about me. I'm kind of ashamed of how much I enjoy writing about myself. But really, when you think about it, what do I know more about?

Nothing.

So I write about myself, I write about Bear, I write about our wedding and our lives. I write when pets pass away (I've written about Inigo, but I have yet to tell you about Minnie), and I write when I am frustrated by people in my life. All of these communications are housed in that nebulous world of cyperspace, where anyone can read it, any time.

That's the rub, really.

As much as I am an oversharer (Sue, you already know this about me), I do have my limits. I have a difficult time putting my vulnerable side out there for all of the world to see. I have a complete inability to discuss my weaknesses (especially in my relationship). I pride myself on my together-ness, my fiercely independent-ness, my I'd-be-fine-without-him-ness. The truth, however, is something less than that. I'm don't say that I couldn't physically live without Bear, but I never admit that I wouldn't want to, either. I shy away from superlatives like "forever," "the rest of our lives," and "never loved like this before." I think I have mentioned before that I don't believe in The One, that I think people can have happy, fullfilling relationships with any number of people on the planet. What I haven't mentioned before is that if there IS a One, Bear must be it. Something in me HATES risking my neck by saying that, hates putting myself out there in print where anyone can call me out if things change.

Maybe that's my problem. I spend too much time thinking thoughts like, "Well, IF we DID break up, what would happen?" It's like I always have to have a mental escape route planned, no matter where I am. I have NO intention of breaking up with Bear - he is the most wonderful man I know (okay, he's tied with my dad, but dads don't count). So why did I have to think to myself last week, "I know we got a box big enough to store all of our Christmas decorations, but if we break up it would be too difficult to have to dig out the Christmas box and sort mine from his. I'd better keep mine in a separate box."

This has got to stop! It's like there are two sides of me: the optomistic, loving version of me that is happy and plans on staying that way, and the cynnical, scarred version of me that always wants to be ready to cut and run. If I were to name them, which would be creepy and weird, they would be Misty (optomist) and Cyndi (cynnical). When I had the thought about the decorations, I had to sit Misty and Cyndi down for an intervention.

My inner dialogue went something like this.

Cyndi: I know we got a box big enough to store all of our Christmas decorations, but if we break up it would be too difficult to have to dig out the Christmas box and sort ours from his. We'd better keep ours in a separate box.
Misty: Are we planning on breaking up with him?
Cyndi: No, but just in case. You know.
Misty: No, actually I don't. Just in case of what?
Cyndi: Just in case we BREAK UP, in case something awful happens and it's time to bail out!
Misty: That's a terrible, negative thought! Bail out?! Why are we marrying this guy, anyway?
Cyndi: Because he's perfect.
Misty: And you have some sort of problem with perfection?
Cyndi: No, I just want to be on the safe side. If the worst were to happen, it would be too tough to stick around. Better to be able to run quickly, and have a clean break.
Misty: Oh, so you're afraid of getting hurt?
Cyndi: Isn't everyone? Have you forgotten the last yahoo we were ready to marry? We thought he was great in the beginning, but he turned out to be a complete dink, didn't he?
Misty: You're right, he was, but this guy is nothing like him. NOTHING.
Cyndi: Okay, I see your point. Still, isn't it better to be safe than sorry? Who does it hurt to be prepared?
Misty: It hurts Bear. You know he's noticed you. Every time you show up he gets hurt!
Cyndi: Yeah, I guess you're right. But doesn't he have one of me in his head, too?
Misty: No, Cyn. He has someone else - Faith.
Cyndi: Faith?
Misty: Yeah, Faith. She tells him that this time, things will be different. That they are different. That if he believes, jumps in with both feet, he will be rewarded with the greatest love of his life. One that won't hurt him and won't run away.
Cyndi: I don't think I can do that.
Misty: That's okay, I understand. That's why you're going away, and Faith is going to take your place.
Cyndi: What?! You can't do that! I'm needed here!
Misty: That's just it, Cyn - you aren't any more. You're an outdated emotion, one with no place in our world. We kept you around because you helped us through some tough times. But those times are over now. You need to go.
Cyndi: But what if the break up DOES happen? You'll need me then!! Our life will be a wreck if we're not prepared. Can't you see that?
Misty (taking a knife out of her handbag): Faith says it won't happen. I agree. We're going to jump, feet first. This time, it's going to be different. This time, it's forever.
Cyndi (backing up nervously): What are you doing with the knife, Misty? We-we're friends, right? Back away! Stop! D-Don't come near me! I mean it - No.. NO Misty!! AAAAHHH!

Misty finishes her work and steps back. She tosses the knife away and dusts her hands off. As the sun sets, Misty strolls back to her apartment and Faith, her new, permanent, roommate. Together they will redecorate the interior of Amalia's head with a hodge-podge of belongings in an impossible to untangle fashion. That is just how Amalia wants it.

~Amalia~