Tuesday, March 04, 2008

I'm so conflicted!

I've worn size 12 jeans almost my entire adult life. At times those jeans have been tight, or loose, or somewhere in between, but they've always been 12s. My favorite jeans, my American Eagle jeans, have been with me for about eight years now. Low rise, button fly, bias cut and bootleg, they are in every way perfect. They're like an old friend. Nothing I own makes me feel as good as those jeans. They've lasted longer than every relationship I've ever had. They're a part of me. Of who I am.

Since beginning my weight loss, I've said goodbye to a little over ten pounds. I'm still in my 12s, but they fit better now than they did before. Looser. I have another sixteen pounds to lose (at least). I find that I am having a hard time contemplating that even after losing that weight that I will be anything other than a size 12. The concept of losing a pants size is foreign to me. Me? I want to ask. Are you sure? Logically I know it could happen. Practically, though, my mind just won't wrap around the idea. It makes me wonder if my weight loss has stalled because on some level, I'm not ready to say goodbye to my 12s. Those jeans are part of my identity. I'm 5'9", and a size 12. The second seems as unchangeable as the first. So what do I do? How do I let that part of me go, allow myself to change what seems a fundamental aspect of my self-image? I'm really struggling with this. I love those jeans - I don't want to say goodbye to them! It isn't as though I can buy smaller pairs of the same jeans (they don't make them in that style anymore). What do I do? Help!


Alice said...

You take your butt on a shopping spree when you lose the weight and indulge in one pair of designer jeans that make you look FABULOUS. :)

I could have written this post myself, girl. 5'9" and size 12. And to be honest, I've been up and down the weight scale pretty significantly and usually stay the same size. Occasionally I go up or down a size, but because I have big hips (and there's only so much you can lose from that area!) I have stayed pretty much the same pant size no matter how much I weighed.

kimmy said...

Keep the old jeans, but I agree with Alice - GO SHOPPING and find some new jeans that will make you look great!

Congrats again on the weight loss!