Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I could use a friend right now!!

My parents have a nasty habit of informing me of very important information via email. They don't call when a beloved pet or family member dies... they email. Burglar trying to get in to my grandmother's house? Email. BROTHER WHO HAS NOT SPOKEN TO ME OR OUR FATHER IN MORE THAN A DECADE SHOWS UP AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE UNANNOUNCED... email.

No. Fucking. Way.

My half-brother Mike, who mysteriously and without explanation broke off all contact with me, our father and my mother (his step-mother). I have not seen him or his son Zach in more than ten years. I have not spoken to him, received a card, email, phone call... nothing. This morning when I got to work, there was an email from my mother waiting for me. It said:

"Mike and Zach just walked in."

It was from my father to my mother originally (I got a forward). I had no explanation, no one called me last night to tell me... just an email waiting for me to get to eventually.

I am ... I don't know how I am, really. I want to cry, I'm shaking with the anger I've felt towards my brother for over a decade, I want to talk to him, I don't want to talk to him, I'm hurt, I'm lost... I'm shaken. I don't really know what to think, what to do. I have wanted my family together for so long. Family is supposed to stick together. No matter what. I have felt personally rejected by his treatment of me (and honestly, I don't think he cut off contact with us because of ME. So why couldn't have have sent an email once in a while? He could have had my contact information any time he wanted from another brother, one we share and both talk to). I invited him to my high school graduation, my college graduation, my wedding... he never even contacted me to say he wouldn't come. He has lived for many years in Missouri, and never called whenever he came to Maine.
I am crying, shaking, a mess. and I have a class to teach in ten minutes. Damn you, Mike. Damn you for putting me, us, through all of this! What did I ever do to you that was worth causing all of this pain?

I have no idea what happens now. I know I don't want to scare him off again. Not now, when he's back after so long. But I don't know if I can forgive him, either.


Alice said...

Ok, checking in on your blog and I see I missed a couple of entries. Holy crap, girl! You've had a rough week. I hope things are getting better. I am so sorry about your brother situation. I can't imagine how bad it must feel to constantly reach out to someone you love only to have them not respond at all. Whatever you decide to do (see him or not), don't beat yourself up too badly. You have to do what's best for you. Sometimes that means forgiving and sometimes it means letting go. Only you know what the right answer is.

Hope that everything else is getting better.

Anonymous said...

I think your next letter should be to might feel better.

I love you...

kimmy said...

That has to be tough...and through an email is even tougher.

I'm sure you will make the best decision for you and your family.

Have a good weekend.