The past week or so, I have been frustrated and discouraged by my seemingly endless weight loss journey. Riding the bike every day (which was my new year's resolution) had become a dreaded chore, not the fun challenge it had been when I started out. I am kind of passive-agressive at times, so I started sabotaging myself by eating crap - steak and cheese, grilled ham and cheese on white bread, ice cream, Pepsi, the works. Well, Wednesday night when I got home from job #2, something must have shown on my face to cause my husband to ask, "What's wrong?"
I burst into tears.
Suddenly, it was all too much. Working two jobs and trying to keep the house clean. Washing three loads of laundry but not having time to take them to the laundrymat to be dried, so I had to wash them again when they started to stink. Trying to accomplish every single thing I had to in a day while still trying to eat right and exercise. I was ready to give up, and cried to my husband about how I didn't want to do it anymore.
"Then don't," he said. "Take a break. Give yourself some time."
So I did. I broke my resolution and didn't ride the bike Wednesday night. Instead I showered and went to bed with my husband, who was kind and held me until I fell asleep, even though I might have cried on his shoulder just a bit. In the morning, I called in sick to job #1, and took the day for myself. I dabbled around the house, organized my knitting yarn/projects/supplies that were scattered everywhere, cuddled my cats and generally relaxed.
And I forgave myself.
I told myself that it was okay that I didn't ride the bike, that trying to squeeze in twenty minutes of difficult cardio right before bed didn't help me, and if I hated working out I would quit. I realized that I'm in this to make myself happy and healthy, not fit and miserable.
And you know what?
Last night when I got home from job #2 (which I still had to work but it was okay because it was only four hours), I rode the bike. Not because I had to, but because I WANTED to. Because I hadn't been active much that day and wanted to do something good for my body. For me.
I feel like a million dollars today. Peaceful. Serene. Capable.
and it feels good.