March Goals

Happy Leap Day! I've always enjoyed Leap Day. It's always seemed to me that it's a day we give back to the planet, an apology for artificially lengthening each day by three minutes (it actually takes the Earth 23:57 to rotate one full turn). It feels nice to know that after today, we (us and the planet) will once again be all caught up.
After watching the scale go nowhere for about nine days now, I decided to set some new goals for March. Not rewards goals, but activity goals. I have been lacking in motivation lately, and I need to shake things up, get the scale moving again. Here are my March goals:

• Burn 500 calories on the recumbent bike every day (still pedaling for at least twenty minutes).
• Use free weights three times a week - three sets of ten reps each.
• Yoga or yoga/pilates routine once a week.

I'm also going to try to work harder to keep my food journal up to date. I am usually good until dinner, then I stop. I think I'm afraid to see the numbers all added up. I've been making some pretty poor food choices lately. For some reason, my chocolate craving is back in a BIG way. Big in a king-size-Mounds-and-Hershey-bars way.

March is a long month, with 31 days. My goal is to weigh no more than 160.0 by the 31st. That is 6.4 pounds in about four and a half weeks. I can do this. I know I can. I just need to want it as badly as I did the last ten pound loss. I'm got going to get the tanning package reward until I reach this goal, I've decided. Tanned, tone, and 160 is going to look sooo good!

Please, if you can, help me by asking me how I'm doing on my goals this coming month. Just knowing I am accountable to you will help me stay on task.

Thigh Dimples

I go to bed after my husband does, as I take about three times longer than he does in the shower. When I finally got upstairs, he was reading a book. I asked him to put the book down. "Look honey, I have thigh dimples!" Instead of looking at my thighs, he looked me in the face. "You have what?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Why would you want me to look at that?"
"Because," I replied, "These aren't fat dimples - they're muscle dimples!" I pointed to two spots on either side of my knee and just above the kneecap. "Look!" He looked at them while I flexed several times with each leg. "Yep, I guess you do. Good job, Honey. Now can I go back to my book?" I nodded, still grinning and flexing as I walked over to my side of the bed.

I have muscles.

That people other than me can actually see.

Yess!

This morning, still groggy from sleep, I stepped on the scale in the bathroom. As tired as I was, it took a second for the number on the scale to make sense to me. I blinked at it, for a moment thinking that I'd backtracked all the way back to where I'd begun. But the scale didn't say 175.4, it said 165.4!!! I quickly backed off the scale, worried that if I stood there any longer, the number would change, a cruel joke by my scale. When the digital screen went dark, I tentatively tapped it with my toe to turn it on again. When it said 0.0, I stepped back on.

The number appeared again. 165.4.

The sun broke through the clouds right then, sunshine streaming into the bathroom. Or maybe the world just appeared brighter to me, at that moment, when I realized - I've lost TEN POUNDS. Ten pounds! Double digits! It seems a little unreal. Just two days ago the scale was up around 168, making me think my loss was over, that I was gaining back all that weight. But two days after resuming tracking my meals, those two phantom pounds plus another half-pound are gone. I am still shocked, but I'm also thrilled. I've surpassed all of the timelines I had set for myself, have done better than I ever thought I would. And you know what? It's working. I know that as I get closer to my goal, it will get more difficult to keep losing. I'm prepared for that. I have a plan. For now, I'm excited to be where I am. I feel like Dan Marino in those NutriSystem ads - "Losing never felt so good!"

You're right Dan - it feels awesome.

I wanted ...

... to be able to tell you, a week after my last post, that I'd lost that last pound I wanted for the month.

... to be able to enjoy reaching double-digit weight loss success.

... to know that I could continue to lose weight without having to track every single calorie that I eat.

I failed.

In six days of not tracking, I've put on TWO POUNDS. I weighed in this morning at 168.2. I'm disgusted with myself, angry that my body reacts so quickly to an increase in calories, and pissed that I got so close just to have that ten pound goal snatched away. And I can't even be mad at the person who snatched it, because that person is ME! Well, okay, I can be mad at myself, and I am, but it would be easier if I had someone else to blame.
A book I read several years ago said, "focus on the solution, not the problem." So today, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm back to tracking my calories. I'm back to thinking very carefully before I eat something. I'm upping my exercise amounts and intensity. I'm going to lose those two pounds again, plus that third pound I wanted, by the end of the month. You'll see. And so will I. Thank you all for your kinds words of support on my last post! I am not going to let this minor setback get me down. I. Am. Going. To. Lose. This. Weight.

~Amalia~

How I'm doing

This morning I had to walk to the office to ask the secretary a question. When she looked up and saw me standing at her desk, she said, "Hey, you look great! Have you lost weight?" She's the FIRST person to notice a difference in the way I look without being told first (by me) that I have lost nine pounds.

Nine pounds.

This morning I officially weigh less than I did when I met my husband more than two years ago. Then I was 167.8. Today I weigh 167.0. I'm thrilled, I'm in shock, I'm... overcome with feelings I can't quite name. Most of all, I keep thinking, I can't believe it's working. I can't believe I'm actually losing this weight! It seems unbelievable that this time it's working for me, when all other times I failed. I catch myself thinking things like, "now when I have an off day, I will still be under 170!" and, "167.0 is ALMOST 166! Can you believe 166?! That's almost in the 150s!!" I know that I still have a long row to hoe. I'm ready for that. But at the same time, I am so thrilled that I have already begun reaping what I've sown (to continue the metaphor). Nine pounds! Wow.

I have been thinking about revamping me weight loss goals, because I started out with four, and met three of them in the same month (under 170, BMI of 24.9 or less, weight I was when I met my husband). I'm still getting the shirt, but I'm going to wait a while on that. I can get it any time now, so I will leave it for a day when I need the pick-me-up. Here are my new goals:

1. Husband-meeting weight: Pedicure with my friend L- Unit (this is tentatively scheduled for next week).

2. Under 165: tanning package

3. Under 160: One hour of electrolysis

4. Under 155: New bathing suit (bikini!!)

I hope to get a ten pound weight loss total by the end of February. That's only one more pound! If I get that, I will shift my hopes to become 165 or less by the end of the month.

I'm also going to cease tracking my calories on the weekend and see how I do. It's difficult to track them anyway due to my busy schedule, so we will see how I do "on my own," so to speak.

Next week is vacation week for me. I will be working my second job, but I don't predict to be getting more than thirty hours, which leaves me with a lot of free time. I would like to be able to say that I do more than just biking during that time - maybe a walk, my yoga DVD... something. I do NOT want to spend that time eating and laying on the couch! L-Unit, I'm looking to you to keep me busy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't remember if I mentioned it, but my wonderful husband has decided to lose weight, too! He's cutting back on portions, riding the bike, and making his lunch the night before instead of buying it in town. Since the Superbowl, he's lost eleven pounds! Good work Bear! I'm so proud of him. Now, if I could just get the cat to lose some weight....

Thoughts I had while in detention

Well, doing detention duty, anyway.

I'm in the beginning stages of my poetry unit with my sophomores right now. Of all my units, my poetry unit is my best and most loved. I started it two weeks early this year because I needed a pick up to get me through these last two months (or so) of winter. I love seeing what the students write, and what I write along with them. Many of the things I write are continuations of things I have started once, but never completed. I can see my writing with new eyes because it has been a year (at least) since I've seen some of these things, and I can begin the work of crafting anew. Below I've posted some "waifs and strays" as Charles de Lint would call them, things I've begun before and will work on again now. Please feel free to provide whatever feedback you can on these poemlets, as I call them. I'm interested to see what you think! If you can't think of anything to write about my poemlets, consider posting some of your own. Do you have a phrase, sentence, line, or stanza that sits unused, dusty, in your mind or an old notebook? Take it out, dust it off, and post it here! All are welcome. :)

#1
The pages of her journal
mark where she's been.
Tear-soaked and travel-stained,
The binding worn thin.

#2
A cacophony overhead
a pair of eighths in front
a trill from behind
an inquisitive quarter
plays a bar or two.

#3
Quiet spaces became a part of this woman,
the moist closeness of mingled breaths
and arms that lifted, instead of let down.
The woman became confidence, worthiness, too
and laughter - core deep and cobalt blue,

Picture this

I'm sitting in front of my computer, logging my final calories in for the day. I haven't eaten in a few hours, and I'm vaguely hungry. I have about four hundred calories still available to eat. What should I have? I ask myself. Popcorn? Too smelly. A sandwich? Too much work. Chocolate? Not filling enough. A granola bar? Too plain. Looking at my calorie log, I realize I've only had one serving of fruit - the glass of orange juice I had for breakfast. If only there was a way to eat more fruit, I think. Then, it's as if a light bulb goes on in my head. A BANANA! I can eat a banana! I step into the kitchen, grab one of the yellow miracle fruits off the counter, peel it and dig in. It is just the correct amount of ripeness and consistency, and I enjoy it. The banana is not smelly, doesn't require much work once I get the peel open, and is filling without being plain. I happily plug the fruit into my calorie journal and realize I'm still under my calories for the day, AND I've added much needed potassium to the muscles that have just worked hard pedaling the bike.
Sometimes I am amazed how such moments of perfection can sneak up on me. Why didn't I think of this before? I don't know. I'm glad I did, finally, and my body is glad, too - I'm still under 170. If I stay that way for three more mornings, that "Seriously" t-shirt is MINE.

~Amalia~

"Let it go, start over, and kick ass"

L-Unit said that to me yesterday after reading my posts. It was what I needed to hear. It helped me see that I needed to stop beating myself up and start moving forward. So after a day of tears and disappointment, I got on my bike and pedaled. I pushed myself harder than I have before. It paid off. When I was finished, I had burned 35 more calories than I had before and boosted my mood completely. I moved from feeling defeated to feeling victorious. I knew I'd be sore the next day (and I am, but not terribly), but it was so worth it to feel good at the end of the day. To feel accomplished - to feel as though the day was not a total loss after all. I'm beginning to realize that exercising is a type of drug - it makes you want more. I can't wait until it warms up here in Maine and I can begin to run.

From my other blog...

Sometimes I don't realize how eating affects my mood. At least, not until it happens. I ate well all last week, got down under 170 for the first time in two years, felt awesome. Felt like this was a battle I could win, WAS winning. Then I went to my parents' house overnight. Stopped tracking. Stopped fighting. Ate like a madwoman. We went to my favorite restaurant. I didn't have any sides or salad with my bacon and cheddar covered baked haddock, so I could save room for dessert - peanut butter mousse pie with an oreo cookie crust. It was heaven. I shared as little as possible with my husband. Scarfed almost the whole piece. Weighed myself this morning - up almost two pounds from Saturday morning. Pissed. Disgruntled. Crushed with twin weights of dissapointment and irritation at myself. Was the pie worth it? No. Did I learn my lesson? In all honesty, probably not.

I'm back on the wagon again, and I am determined to be back under 170 soon. But I'm feel like a fox who's shewed off her own foot to escape from a trap only to realize that now I can't walk. Futility. Anger. Disgust. That's what I'm feeling this morning. I sabotaged myself. No one to blame but me.

Another long week

I have so much more energy than I did last year, but working two or three jobs is enough to drain even the most energetic girl. I worked Wednesday through Saturday at Rite Aid and school, although I did call in sick to school on Friday. I needed the day off. I got some chores done and spent some time reading, but most of all I rested. Saturday after working all day at Rite Aid, we went south to my parents' house in Gardiner so we could go to the Augusta Home Show on Sunday. I hate sleeping at my parents' house, because ... well, because I can't. Sleep that is. We had to put the couch bed mattress on the floor because the couch frame is so uncomfortable. That wasn't too bad, but at four o'clock in the morning, my parents' stupid dogs started whining and barking. When two Chesapeake Bay Retrievers start that, there's no sleep to be had. So I got about four hours of sleep that night. Last night we were home, but the Superbowl was on and Bear's team was playing - there was no going to bed until that was over (around ten), and I had showered, etc. I can get by on one night of little sleep, but I'm getting too old to do it on two. I'm not in a great mood today - I think I will go to bed early tonight.

My adult ed class is on again for tonight - we'll have to see if anyone shows up this time, since they didn't last time. I still want to do is, but most of the excitement has worn off. I have to work Tuesday through Saturday this week at Rite Aid, so tonight will be the only night I'm home before eight p.m..

I'm just so frigging tired.

Ten more school days until February vacation. I don't know if I can make it.


In case you didn't notice, I updated my favorite blogs list. I took out some I don't visit as often and added a few I think you might enjoy. Please take some time and visit, won't you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, I almost forgot - guess what bomb my mom dropped into conversation this weekend?! My brother, known here as the Golden Child, has apparently decided that if he and his wife die in the next eighteen years, I am to become legal guardian of their son (known here as T-Rex). !!! I almost choked on my own spit when I heard that. Not only am I a TERRIBLE choice to be anyone's legal guardian, but they didn't even tell me that! I had NO IDEA they were thinking about doing this. This is a colossal mistake. I have yet to email him and tell him this, but it's on the list of things to do today. Seriously - who would think about give ME their child to raise?!? Ack! I get sweaty just thinking about it. What do you think?