Thursday, April 10, 2008

Tuesday is letter day!*

Dear Rite Aid Customers,
I realize that you and I haven't spoken much since I joined the Rite Aid team last September. In fact, mostly I just smile and thank you while handing you your change. That doesn't mean that I don't have a mind that thinks. I'd like to take this opportunity to say some things that I've been holding back. What follows is a list of important facts for you to internalize for your next trip to your friendly pharmacy:
  1. When you hand me a twenty dollar bill and I mark it with the counterfeit pen, please do not say, "It should be good, I just made it!" and then guffaw. I've heard this one before. Trust me. It's not new or funny - it's annoying.
  2. If I ask you if you'd like to donate a dollar to a particular cause, please don't say, "what do you think?" That's just dumb. If I knew what you thought, would I ask you?
  3. While on the subject of donating to charity, please don't feed me either of the following lines: "I already donated" (possible but improbably, especially when you say it on the FIRST DAY OF THE CAMPAIGN) or "I can't afford it" (as you pay for your Snickers with a fifty dollar bill). I'm not stupid. Just say "no, thank you!"
  4. For those customers with food stamps cards - STOP BUYING JUNK FOOD! The government did not give you that for you to buy cases of Mt. Dew and JuJu Bees. If you need help to buy groceries, then buy groceries - not useless crap with no nutritional value. You may think you're entitled to that money and you can use it how you want, but you're wrong. You're abusing the system put in place to help you. Smarten the fuck up.
  5. Speaking of subsidy-assisting assholes, please know that I do judge you based on what you buy. Two bottles of wine a night? Alcoholic. Jock itch spray and condoms? Man-whore (and nasty). Weight loss pills and a giant bag of Reese's? Hopeless. Cheet-os and a drug test kit? Unemployed pot smoker. Stretch mark lotion (for your pregnant belly), Marlboro Lights and a thirty pack of Bud? Stupid, stupid, stupid.
  6. Yes, I wear a smock and a name tag while working. Do not assume that this is my only job, or the best job I could get, or that I lack intelligence for any other kind of work. I am a college-education career woman who has a bigger vocabulary and SAT score at twenty-six than many of you will accomplish in your lifetime. You have no idea how educated, intelligent, and cultured I am. Don't assume you're smarter than me - you're wrong.
  7. Simple courtesies like please and thank you will get you much further than demanding things or rudeness ever will. Try it.
  8. There are Federal and State laws that regulate how I do my job. Getting pissed at me because I carded you does not help you get your cigarettes. I'm not in charge of the law. I am responsible for keeping my job, and I will continue to uphold all laws to keep it. Quite frankly, I don't care about your problems. I'm not losing my job because you're an idiot.
Thank you for taking the time to listen. I'm sure that now you've read this, you will immediately stop acting like such a bonehead and thank me for all the hard work I do for you. I try hard to make sure you have a pleasant experience so that I can, too.


PS And please remember our company's slogan - "With us, it's personal!"

*I know, I know, later again. I'm sorry! I will try to be better from now on. Swear.


kimmy said...

Great post! Love the letter to your customers!


Alice said...

Love this letter! And it couldn't be more true, I'm sure! I feel the same way you do. Because I work in ministry people assume I was just "given" my job. And they have no idea that I am college educated and worked (successfully) in corporate America for more than 10 years. Sometimes it just makes you want to slap the shit out of people. :) (Oh yeah, and they would probably be appalled at my potty-mouth.)