Seek and Sometimes, Ye Find

I've made no secret about the fact that I am unhappy at my current teaching placement. I've been wronged by administration here several times and now am having to adjust to being in the first grade half of each day. I am not ashamed to admit that I am struggling. Some days it's not so bad; others I'm near tears.

After the fabulous weekend I had with Bear recently, I did not want to go back to school. My body was almost physically resisting having to go back. Whenever I thought about the approaching Monday, my muscles would lock. Monday night Bear asked me how my day was. I just looked at him, replying, "It went. It's over now. That's all I can ask right now." I could tell he was unhappy with my answer, but I wasn't going to sugar coat and I'm not known for keeping things inside. As a consolation, I said, "Newport posted a HS English position this week. That's pretty unheard of, to post during the school year. I wonder what happened."
He raised an eyebrow. "You should apply," he advised.
"You think?" I asked. I hadn't considered that before. Changing a teaching job during the school year is almost unheard of. It simply isn't done, although legally it can be. I'm pretty sure that I'd have to give a 30 day notice before I could leave my current position, but would have to look through my contract (it isn't something I'm well-versed in).
Bear convinced me that I had nothing to lose: I was obviously unhappy where I was and the worst that could happen is that I wouldn't hear from Newport at all.

So I did. I filled out the electronic application and attached my resume, and yesterday mailed them my letters of recommendation and transcripts. I'm not really sure how I feel about this. I'm conflicted. Although I have heard very good things about Newport, it won't be easy starting over after the school year has begun, and there's such a risk in exchanging the devil I know for the one I don't. But I know I'm unhappy here. Ugh! It's difficult to see this situation at all clearly. So last night I crawled into bed and opened my current book for a little escapism before falling asleep.

And there it was, on the last page of the chapter I was reading:

"It's a hard thing to risk what you know and are sure of, just for the possibility of something better. Even when it's a pretty strong possibility and something that's a whole lot better."

I'm trying to take it as a sign.

Bar Harbor Band & Trust 1/2 Marathon and 5K (Sept. 19, 2009)

You have to look for it, but you can see my name (Heather Kinne) and my time (after Brownville Junction) in the pics. The third one is me crossing the finish line. Yes, I am still running. I didn't do quite as well as I'd hoped (35:45), but considering I had to walk some of it (two weeks of resting my shins did nothing for my cardiovascular abilities), it wasn't terrible. All in all, I was glad I'd done it, happy I finished, and thrilled that Bear was there. I did find it ironic that of all people I should be the one to come in 69th place. Those of you who know me in real life are shaking your head in understanding right now. I know. I'd like to do this race again next year and see how I do. Maybe I can make it into the top 50?

Friday Fragments

• This weekend, Bear and I are going to spend time in one of our favorite places in Maine - Bar Harbor. I'll be participating in a 5k race Saturday morning, but the rest of the time will be spent relaxing, reconnecting, and enjoying each other. On our way home Sunday we'll stop at our favorite orchard to go apple picking. I can't wait. We have so much fun together.
  
• I've been cleared by my doctor to race, despite my shin splints. I developed shin splints when I bought new running sneakers. Apparently money can't buy you comfort.
• $130 sneakers should NOT cause shin splints.
  
• And they shouldn't be available only in Portland, which means I have to go back there to return them. Ugh.
• Sometime soon I'll be taking the next step in the ongoing birth control dilemma (I'm saving details for another post). I'm excited about it.
• I don't have to go to the first grade today. I'm very excited about it. Not that I don't enjoy the little ones, but I peg an 8 on my stress meter at least twice each day. I'm still adjusting.
• I am the most forgetful person I know. I don't mean to, but most days I forget at least one important thing and usually I forget more than that. It does no good to make lists, because I often can't remember what I did with the list once I finished it! This is frustrating to people who know me. They have no idea how much it frustrates me.

Okay, that's all I have to frag about today. I hope you all have great weekends! I will post pics from this weekend once I get back. I owe you guys some pics I think. It's been a while!

5 Minute Writing Exercise

Courtesy of Jenny from Roughly Speaking.

Writing prompt: What is not obvious about you?


Looking at my life from the outside, you'd never guess my deepest desire. Looking at me, you'd see that I'm an ordinary high school English teacher who works part time at a local pharmacy. I don't smoke or do drugs, I consume alcohol about once a month (and usually only one or two drinks in an evening), and I follow the rules. I wear my seatbelt. I use my blinker. I don't steal, cheat, or do anything I shouldn't.

But deep inside, I yearn to be different.

I want to be a kickass bitch who doesn't care about others, who does what feels good and fuck the consequences. I want danger to ooze from me, for people to pick up on it and make way for me on the sidewalk. I want to be dangerous.

I want to be badass.

My husband laughs at my pathetic attempts to become badass while still following rules - I'll wear my Korn t-shirt, but only under a high-necked sweater. I listen to rock music in my car, but still follow all traffic regulations. He loves me dearly, but doen't think I'll ever earn the badass label.

And maybe he's right. Because no matter how badly I want to be Gemma from "Sons of Anarchy" (the new show I am absolutely addicted to), I can't stop following rules long enough to accomplish it. I had very strict parents who would punish mercilessly any infraction. I learned from a young age that following rules kept one from punishment. It sounds as though I blame my parents for my inability to flout the law and those that uphold it, but the truth is that I like rules. I like knowing what I am and am not supposed to do. It gives structure to my life that otherwise I'd be lacking. It comforts me when I know that I'm not at risk for punishment.

I wonder sometimes what it would take for me to change.


Your turn: What is not obvious about you? Take 5 minutes and write it on your blog (or in the comments) and I'll be sure to read it. Thanks jenny for making me think this morning!

Good and Bad

Good: Bear and I had a fabulous Labor Day weekend, which included a trip to Portland to get lots of things for us. Well really for me. I got a new pair of running sneakers, running pants, a pink running t-shirt, 5 new pairs of undies from Victoria's Secret, and some other stuff I can't remember right now. We bought birthday gifts for Mark and Tara (their birthdays were the 3rd and 8th, respectively), which was a lot of fun because we had the money to spend on them and they are fairly easy to shop for. My dad's birthday is the 15th, and I have no idea what to get him.

Bad: After running a hills course on Monday, I think I have shin splints. I tried running yesterday and only got a single mile before I had to stop and walk. I was in tears not only because it hurt, but because I'm worried that now I won't be able to run in the 5k race I've been training for. The race is the 19th.

Good: I received in the mail the $500 Visa gift card I won on the blog Suburban Turmoil a couple of weeks ago. We celebrated by going to Bangor last night and eating at Pizza Hut.

Bad: I'm lactose intolerant, and pizza has a *lot* of cheese on it.

I'm tired today, but am trying to find the energy I need to work with the little ones today and work at Rite Aid tonight.

How are you doing?