You know in action movies when characters are climbing a rock face and they are hanging on by their finger and toe tips to some sheer face, a moment away from falling to their deaths? Yeah, that’s kind of where I am right now. Not a literal rock face, because how could I type this to you if I were? Rather, a figurative rock face. The rock? My emotional state. The fall I’m worried about? Depression.
For the last several weeks, I’ve been struggling against the fall of depression. I have been unaccountably sad for no easily discernible reason for weeks now. I’m near tears for most of each day, and have to blink them back at least twice daily. Why? I’ve been asking that question a lot lately, trying to find out why I’m on this rock face and how to get the hell off of it. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
Saturday, Bear went with his friend A to
Secondary to all this, Bear and I are heading to my brother’s wedding. It is a five day extravaganza and will be the first time in over a year I’ve had this much time off. Bear wants to spend time together, just the two of us. So do I. Unfortunately I have obligations (I’m a bridesmaid). And my obligations get more complicated and involved as I get closer to this trip. I feel like this trip is going to disappoint Bear. I have developed an intense anxiety about disappointing him. And, just like the situation with A, it feels inside as though it is a foregone conclusion. It’s a desperate feeling, and it’s one I cannot shake. It feels as though I’m losing my grip on the rockface and I don’t know how to keep from falling.