Monday, October 06, 2008

Scrambling for purchase


You know in action movies when characters are climbing a rock face and they are hanging on by their finger and toe tips to some sheer face, a moment away from falling to their deaths? Yeah, that’s kind of where I am right now. Not a literal rock face, because how could I type this to you if I were? Rather, a figurative rock face. The rock? My emotional state. The fall I’m worried about? Depression.

For the last several weeks, I’ve been struggling against the fall of depression. I have been unaccountably sad for no easily discernible reason for weeks now. I’m near tears for most of each day, and have to blink them back at least twice daily. Why? I’ve been asking that question a lot lately, trying to find out why I’m on this rock face and how to get the hell off of it. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

Saturday, Bear went with his friend A to Southern Maine for the day. He’s been friends with A for years (long before I met him) and they haven’t had much of an opportunity to hang out lately. I had to work Saturday, so I couldn’t go. I thought I was okay with them going – why wouldn’t I? Well, Bear and A have history, complete with italics. A is a girl. A girl whom he has intimate knowledge of. That thing you’re thinking? Yeah, they did that. I know it was years ago, I know it was “no big deal”, I know that my husband is trustworthy. I am a confident woman who is assured of her place in her husband’s heart. And yet Saturday morning when I woke up, I felt sick. I kept wondering what they were doing, where they were at that moment, if she looked particularly good that day, if he’d worn the cologne that drives me crazy (he did. I’m not sure what to make of that). I was devastated, almost as if he and A were doing something they weren’t supposed to, as if it were a foregone conclusion. It was apparent to me that despite my saying so, I was not okay with them being alone together. I tried so hard not to let Bear know. I tried so hard not to be that girl who doesn’t allow her husband to hang out with women. I trust him, so what was the deal? I don’t know. I still can’t figure it out. After he got home and I got home from work, I still wasn’t okay. Two days later and I’m STILL not okay. Last night I basically forced him to have sex with me, but didn’t get what I was after. In my mind, it felt perfunctory, like he was doing it to shut me up or placate me or something. If Bear is reading this right now, he’s pissed. Because he doesn’t operate that way. He doesn’t have a dishonest bone in his body and he’s quite rightly pissed right now that I can think like this. I don’t blame him – all of my issues are in my head. I made them up. The issue with A? Nonexistent. Obligatory sex? He would never do that. So what the HELL is my issue? And why can’t I get past this? If I can’t figure out the answers to these questions, things are going to get bad fast between us. If I keep looking at him and wondering, what if, I’m going to drive him away.

Secondary to all this, Bear and I are heading to my brother’s wedding. It is a five day extravaganza and will be the first time in over a year I’ve had this much time off. Bear wants to spend time together, just the two of us. So do I. Unfortunately I have obligations (I’m a bridesmaid). And my obligations get more complicated and involved as I get closer to this trip. I feel like this trip is going to disappoint Bear. I have developed an intense anxiety about disappointing him. And, just like the situation with A, it feels inside as though it is a foregone conclusion. It’s a desperate feeling, and it’s one I cannot shake. It feels as though I’m losing my grip on the rockface and I don’t know how to keep from falling.

4 comments:

Yarn Tails said...

Relax.. Give yourself some time. Dont over think. It is that time of year that a lot of people get depressed and add all the other problems of the world on top of your own problems. Hugs! It will be ok. I use to think like you too about my hubby, but as we get to know each other more and more over the years that does start to go away. If you ever need to talk there are willing ears out here that will listen and understand.

Take care today!

Alice said...

You know what - I'm that girl. I can't help it. And my husband knows. Of course, he's that guy, too. :) But we decided (for us - it's different for everyone) that our friends of the opposite sex can remain friends, but we have certain boundaries that we no longer cross with those friends - not the "obvious" boundaries - just the ones that make us uncomfortable. Every couple is different and every couple handles things differently, but if it really, really bothers you - you should talk to your husband. And explain that you do trust him, it's something in your head, but it's so difficult to deal with all the same. Bear seems like the kind of husband who would not ever do anything to deliberately hurt you and I'm sure you guys can work through this.

And I agree with Yarn Tails - this is a time of year where depression is known to rear it's ugly head. And it can be all consuming. You have so much on you with 2 jobs, preparing for a wedding (even happy times are stressful), and everything else. Don't be afraid to seek help if you need it. And just keep hanging on to your cliff. I'm sure that you'll find that you actually have a ledge of support under your feet and it's OK to let go. (And I'm pretty sure you'll see that support is your husband.)

Sending extra hugs and good thoughts your way today.

Fox In Detox said...

I completely agree with Alice. If Bear being alone with "A" bothers you that much, then you have to talk to him about it, AND boundaries have to be set.

If you had an old boyfriend who wanted to be "just friends" how would Bear feel about you spending alone time with him...and wearing the perfume that drives him wild?

Everyone knows what it's like to be in a committed relationship, and have an outside temptation. It's dangerous, people are human, and humans are weak. The more time spent alone with a temptation, the harder it becomes to resist it.

Is Bear's friendship with "A" more important to him than his marriage? I doubt it, and I doubt that he would continue to see her alone if he knew how it tears you up inside.

Communication is key...and your objections to your husband spending alone time with an old flame are completely justified.

Everyone says "Oh, that would never happen"...until it does. Best to avoid the possibility in the first place.

Amalia said...

Thank you ladies, I appreciate the support. He and I have talked about it some, no doubt we will have to talk some more before I feel much better. He did say that he understands why I reacted the way I did. That's something, I guess. His theory is that it's only by hanging out with A occasionally that I will learn to accept and trust the platonic-ness of their friendship. All I can say is that I'm working on it. We leave tonight for the wedding extravaganza, where I'm hoping I can put this sadness behind me and just have a good time. If nothing else works, I'll just get drunk and chill in the hot tub. Sounds like a decent coping mechanism to me!

~Amalia~

PS We will have our laptop with us, so expect semi-regular posts (hopefully with pics!)