WARNING: Chaos Ahead!

Somedays I feel like my life needs warning signs. Not so much for me, but for everyone who has to deal with me when my life gets crazy. Take this weekend. Today is not too bad - one meeting afterschool, pick a few things up from the grocery store, then home to mow lawns, hang laundry, and do dishes. Tomorrow, however, looks like this:

1. Ten minutes before the end of the school day, sneak to the bathroom and apply my tan excellerator lotion. Put my clothes back on and go back to my classroom. (1:55)

2. Sneak out of school five minutes before the bell rings. (2:00)
[note: the principal walked into my room right as I typed that - eek!]

3. Rush to the tanning salon for my twenty-minute tanning session. (2:25)

4. Throw my clothes back on, rush to my chiropracter's appointment. (2:40)

5. Lay under heat packs for ten minutes, get adjusted, pay my bill (3:00)

6. Rush home, watching out for moose, deer, rabbits, and turkeys (3:40)

7. Get the mail (3:45)

8. Throw camping gear, suitcase, pillows, extra blanket, book, music and snacks into the car (3:55)

9. Give Zedd a quick snuggle, spray Shota's cage (3:58)

10. Drive to Bear's work (4:13)

11. Put camping gear, suitcase, etc. into Bear's car (4:15)

12. Drive to my parents' house, getting dinner on the way (6:45)

13. Arive at my parents' house, set up tent, relax for the night (8:00)


You can tell just by looking at my schedule that I am going to be stressed. It's even worse than it looks because Bear gets out of work at 4:00, and he HATES waiting around for me. I may try to save some time by packing the camping gear in his car tonight. Then I'd just have to pack the suitcase. However it works out, I'm going to be so focused on getting everything done that I am abrupt with people. It never fails that when I am abrupt, people think I'm angry or that I don't like them. *sigh* I just won't have time to smooth ruffled feathers! Does that ever happen to anyone else? Have you ever been in a rush and had someone make a stink about how your "mood is bad"? How did you handle it? I usually apologize, even though I don't feel like I should have to.

~Amalia~

My Uterus is Dumb

So I just went nine weeks without a period, and this time I went two. Seriously, my uterus is dumb. What gives? Ugh.

Bear and I are doing better this week, thanks to several big blow-out arguments and more gentle conversations. I think we are both so stressed about the wedding and money that we have begun to take that stress out on each other. It's not right, and we are trying to overcome this. I have begun walking in the afternoons when I can (I walked 2.6 miles on Friday) so that my stress level is down, and he is trying to be a bit more appreciative of the work I do around the house. I figure the more we do good for ourselves, the better we can be for each other. That makes sense, doesn't it?

We did not go to my parents' this weekend because it rained too much to get anything done, so hopfully we will go this weekend. It is going to be a short trip, though, because Bear and I are dying to get into the woods. I think Saturday or Sunday night we will be camping. My job for the week is making sure everything is ready - the sleeping bags, tent, eating utensils, etc. Of course you know what camping means, don't you? S'MORES!

~Amalia~

Oops, I did it again...

Friday night Bear and I took a spontaneous trip North to visit his God parents. They live in Van Buren, a town three and a half hours away from us. It was a long drive, but a good one; Bear even let me sleep for an hour or so. We got there pretty late, but on Saturday when we woke up, there was much to do. Breakfast of potatoes, eggs, and moose steak started our day, and then we were off to his God sister Kelly's house to socialize. Kelly has three kids and they are FULL of energy. They got me on the trampoline (a mistake, my body informed me later) and craziness ensued. It was a pretty good time, all things considered.

when we got home that night, I was tired. It wasn't until I was ready to head to the shower that I realized we had forgotten the ditty bag in Van Buren. Everything I needed was in it - my prescriptions, shampoo, conditioner, hair brush, toothbrush, lotion... and there is nothing open for 50 miles, so I'm stuck. Of course I blamed Bear for it. It must have been his fault, he had it last! He said it was my fault, that I was carrying stuff out to the car, too, so I was equally responsible. I shouted at him, he shouted at me, and I got boiling mad. So did he. Finally, he stormed off to the office and I ran into the bathroom. I immediately started bawling. I hate fighting, I hate yelling, and I was really upset about not having my things (especially my birth control pills). I would have just cried myself out if I had been left to my own devices, but I was loud enough that Bear heard me. Poor thing, I don't think he knew he was about to get himself into.

Some things you should know about me: one, I hate not being in control, and two, when I am upset, I prefer to be alone. Something about not showing weakness in front of people, I think. Anyway, Bear opens the door to the bathroom and sees me sitting on the toilet, my head in my hands, bawling my eyes out. I'm not a pretty crier - my nose gets red, I hyperventilate something awful... in short, I look and sound like I'm about to choke. Bear was still irritated, so he shouted, "What's wrong now? Why the hell are you crying?" I was crying too hard to answer him. I couldn't look at him, because I knew this was stupid, that I'd be fine in a minute if he'd just go away. I hate it when people are angry with me for crying, too. My mom used to do that all the time and it scarred me. I don't think it's right to yell at someone when they are crying! Wait until they are done, THEN yell at them.

After a few moments of me not answering him, Bear tried to make me respond. He grabbed my arms and hauled me up on my feet. Normally that's not a big deal, but he grabbed hair in the process, and that hurt. He kept saying, "Tell me what's wrong! Look at me! Answer me!" I truly think he was more worried at this point, because I could barely breathe I was hyperventilating so badly. all I knew was that he was restraining me. I fully freaked out. I haven't had a full-fledged freak-out session in years. Basically what happens is I start screaming and fighting like an alley cat to get away. I'm not articulate - all I can yell is, "Go away! Stop touching me! Let me GO!" over and over again. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I know I pushed him, tried to pull away, stomped on his feet, anything to get away so I could run again. Bear wasn't having any of it. He must have realized that I wasn't myself, because after a bit he stopped being mad and became really worried instead. He pulled me to him and rubbed my back, pushed my hair back away from my face, and just chanted, "Breathe. It's okay. Calm down. Breathe." Of course as soon as my brain registered he wasn't angry anymore I wrapped my arms around him and hung on for dear life. He really is the best source of comfort around. Eventually I was calm enough to blow my nose and get a drink of water.

Once I was calm(er), I tried to explain why I was so upset. Mostly, I said, it was because we were shouting at each other (something we rarely do), but also because life seemed very out of control at that moment. I didn't have my things and no matter what, I wasn't going to have them. The combination of those two things sent me into a crying jag. Then I explained about the freakout. I apologized for scaring him. It wasn't his fault, really, that he made me tweak out - the blame for that belongs on the men I've dated previously. Two men, Chad and Dan, used to pin me when I cried to make me stop. Against a wall, on a bed, wherever I was. They were always angry, and they always made it worse. The last time it happened, Dan actually grabbed my chin with one hand and forced my eyes open with the other. It wasn't pleasant. It seemed that Bear was going to do the same thing there for a minute, which is why I started screaming.

Thankfully he didn't, and I was able to return to my senses. He apologized for yelling, so did I, we hugged some more, things got better. I'm more embarassed now than anything. I hate for people to see me like that, to know what depths I'm capable of sinking to. I am writing about it so that I can put it in perspective. Bear still loves me, I still love him, the wedding is going on as planned, hopefully it will never happen again. If I can show him the worst of me and he still loves me, then I've got him hooked. So thank you, Bear, for helping me see that even in my worst moments, I'm still worthy of being loved.

~Amalia~

Updates

I haven't written in a week. I'm sorry. I don't know what has come over me. Rather, I should say I could mention many things, but I don't know which thing in particular has caused me not to write.

The weather has been beautiful all week, so each night when I come home, I go outside. Laundry, gardening, raking, you name it - I've done it. I love the daily changes my garden makes. In this flower bed, my crocuses are coming fast and furious. At the back of the house, the tulips have almost blossomed. In my vegetable garden, the chives are sprouting and I think I've noticed one cucumber plant bud, too. In the flower garden, the poppies I spread a week ago are already showing their heads and I have two buds from my stargazer lilies. Excellent.

While at school, I have been monitoring the spring standardized tests that all English students must take. That requires that I walk around a room full of computers, watching students answer questions. This takes all of an 80 minute block. I do this two or three times a day. Ugh.

I finally finished The Onion Girl by Charles De Lint. It was good, even if it didn't end the way I expected. I was on the author's website yesterday and discovered that there is another book dealing with the same character - Widdershins. I'm looking for a copy in my local Border's this weekend.

Wedding stuff has been occupying my mind. I'm on the lookout for bridal party clothes, I still have to buy 14 vases, I have to steal a roll of butcher paper from school to cover the tables, my ring needs to go out for rhodium plating (it's looking rather yellow), I've been fighting with my mom about the cupcakes, I STILL haven't had my picture taken in my dress again. I started tanning this week, so at least that part is going well.

I got the news that I am being rehired for next year. In Maine, it takes two years before you are guaranteed your job - they can choose not to renew your contract for any (or no) reason. It is a nerve racking time. I am safe, for this year, anyway. I told Bear and that night he came home from work with a two liter bottle of Pepsi and a half gallon of my favorite ice cream. Another man might have bought flowers, but my Bear gave me what my heart truly desires. :)

~Amalia~

37 and Counting

So far, thirty-seven people have RSVP'd for the wedding. All of them will be attending. I have been so impressed with the speed people have returned the RSVP cards. I'm trying to keep an organized list of all those that have responded. Thankfully, theknot.com have a great tool for this. Have you seen our knot.com website yet? Why don't you mosey on over and sign the guest book while you're there?

There are a few things left to be done for the wedding, and to be honest, I'm not looking forward to some of them. The property my parents own is beautiful, but there is a lot of brush to be cut, lawns to be raked/mowed, trees to be cut down, dirt to be laid down, etc. I hate landscaping. Ugh. My mom called last weekend all chipper. "We need to organize a work party, hmmm?" She always hmmms when she is goading me. "Think of all that wonderful raking for you to do." I HATE raking leaves. It is the single worst chore in the world, designed to break my spirit and body. Gah.

I also have to find and buy the clothes for the bridal party. It's not too difficult a chore, but it is so hard to tell actual colors and sizes online. Thankfully they are all men, so shirts and jeans will be relatively cheap.

Bear still has not taken the photo of me in my gown again. I keep asking, but other things keep getting in the way. I'm anxious to see how I look in it since I lost all that weight. I tell myself that if I have lost enough weight, I can buy a sexy corset/bustier from Fredrick's of Hollywood. If not, I'm still going to buy some new clothes - probably a shirt that says, "taken" or "Mrs. Kinne." Why not? I thought it would be cool to have underswear for the honeymoon that says those things or "I do" or "bride." Turns out those things are expensive! A THONG costs $17! I bet I can make things cuter than that. I'm on the lookout for baseball T's that I can personalize with iron-on letters. If some of those letters make it onto my underwear, well, that's just an accident, right? ;)

Jeans Day, Quiet Afternoon, Catch Up

1. Fridays are jeans day in my district. I get to come to school today with jeans, sneakers and a hooded sweatshirt on, and I'm at least as well dressed as everyone else. I am more comfortable on these days than on any other day. Aren't jeans days the best?

2. I am covering the person who usually monitors in school suspension. It's just me, the suspended student, and my laptop in a brightly-lit flourescent room. It sounds boring, but the temperature is cozy, the kid is basically a good kid, and I have a breezy, fun conversation with another teacher via e-mail. All in all, not a bad way to spend a few hours on a Friday afternoon.

3. Because of my forced isolation, I am able to catch up with the newspaper - three days' worth of news! I read the horoscopes even though they are out-dated. I get caught up on the funnies, too. I offer the funnies to the kid in suspension, but he decides to color his shoes with bright markers instead. They look quite nice when he's done - all red, blue, yellow and gray. I think to myself that I wish shoes were sold in those colors.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life [whistle]

A news story has been running in the paper the last several days about a three year-old girl who is missing. They have found her boots at different places in the river that runs behind her house, so the working theory is that she drowned. It's sad, a tragedy, yada yada yada. I feel bad, really I do. Details took a few days to emerge, but the mother says she went to the bathroom and shen she got out, the back door was open and the girl was gone.

Yeah, it's sad... but so what?

I know that I sound callous, but that isn't what I'm trying to say. I read the arcitles each day, and as the days went on, I started seeing things that didn't add up. For example, DHHS (Dept. of Health and Human Services) took the other child in the home, a one year-old baby away. Why? Then they (news reporters) were looking into the mother's background and mentioned repeatedly that the children had different fathers, and they had just moved to the areas (making them sound like transients). I started thinking - when did people stop believing in the basic goodness of others? I read the story the first day and thought, "Oh, the poor kid. It says she loved the river. Poor thing probably got swept away. It's not the mother's fault, though." But as each day passed, I heard more and more accusatory remarks. In the teacher's room the theories were running rampant: "I heard the mother'd been busted for drugs." "Some sicko probably snatched her and threw the boots in the river to throw off the scent." "The mom has a new baby, she probably was sick of the older one." I'm not kidding - these are actual comments made by (seemingly) educated people.

Why can't the story just be exactly what it is - a tragic accident? Should mothers not even be able to urinate without feeling guilty? What is the matter with people?! Dr. Spok said once that the simplest explaination is the most likely one. Although he was talking about transpoter malfunctions, I think that statement applies here. Calm down, people! Innocent until proven guilty, right? Don't blame the victim, right? RIGHT?! I hope the woman is cleared of any wrongdoing and that she writes a scathing novel about how judgemental people can be.

In lighter news, my cousin Jesse, an adult with autism participated in the annual Walk With Autism in Bangor this week. He was interviewed for the news. You can see the video of it here (you may have to click on the "video" link on that page - it's on the top right).