Wednesday, December 02, 2009


Malaise: noun. A vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort.

That's where I am right now in several aspects of my life. As I type this I am in my classroom. It's my prep period so I have no students and although I have plenty to do, I do none of it and instead sit in front of the computer and browse the internet aimlessly. I just can't get excited about anything here at school. While my students are in class we have a good time. I began the Greek play Antigone with them this week, which I enjoy. But as soon as they drain out of my room, my energy and motivation drain right out with them.

I should be printing up the names for school's secret santa (which I am the default organizer for this year. Not sure how that happened!), or correcting narrative summaries. But really? Meh. I could care, but I don't.

Work at job #2 is going the same as always, which is to say that I have a good time once I'm there, but I resent how much it takes me away from home. Especially after having so many days off with Bear last week. I hate being apart from him more than ever. Soon we will be having extended holiday hours, which I know will make my resentment worse. Bear was an absolute sweetheart and did the grocery shopping last night so that I don't have to go out again tonight. I'm so happy he did this! That man totally gets me. I great big puffy heart him!

I have not decorated for Christmas yet. I really need to get the house cleaned up before I do any decorating. Bur really? Meh. There's a mountain of laundry to do, the kitchen table is buried, and the livingroom floor is in desparate need of vacuuming. I find little motivation to do any of it. Maybe I'll force some of it today. Maybe.

The only part of my life that still excites me is the fibery part of it. Christmas knits are coming along, my fiber business is doing well, and I've been having success in spinning, too. That's all I want to do these days is spin, knit, and dye fiber. I've been wanting to start several projects for me, too, and finish some others that I can't until holiday knitting is done, including writing a few knitwear designs. I think next year I will be focusing on one Christmas knit a month so that I don't have a bunch to do at the end of the year like this year. It's a lot less pressure!

I'm hoping that I can snap out of this malaise. I'm hoping that the more I accomplish, the better I will feel, and that it will get a happy streak started. Anyone want to help me out?


Anonymous said...

I have been trying to put the right word on what I have been feeling and couldn't come up with it, but I think you just did. Thank you, it fits perfectly. I haven't been able to go to work in two days, and my house needs to be cleaned before any decorations are up. Hannah is gone ever night at rehearsals, as is David. Christie has been very good about the laundry, but she has homework, and I'm laying here thinking I'm sick, but I can't explain it. Body hurts, sad, headache, not wanting to move, actually can't move, weird thing for me.
Glad you fiber business is taking off and doing so well. Rudee, the knitting nurse is now doing spinning too. It is fun to read about her adventures and see her creations.
I would love to see you open a shop, selling beautiful yarns, your beautiful creations, giving lessons (I'm still trying to find someone to teach me to knit), and even spinning. A warm, cozy shop, with your special touches. I think that would make you so happy. A wonderful dream, to keep in the front of your mind!!!
Hope you feel better. (((((HUGS)))))

Fox In Detox said...

You have to remember that you're working towards something... at some point in the future, you will no longer need the second job...your fiber business will provide you with enough income that you will be able to quit. At some point in the future, you will no longer need full time job number one...because your fiber, and knitting business will have picked up enough that you won't need it. At some point in the future, you will be doing nothing but spinning, dying fiber, and knitting.... you'll be making rent, and then some.

Heather said...

Thanks guys. I will try to keep this in mind! Someday, I'll have a shop. Someday, I'll get up each day and do just what I want, just what makes me happier than anything else.

I will try to remember that.

Yarn Tails said...

I am right there with you. I have been forcing myself to do things and it helps a bit, but even last year this time I struggled with things. I hope you find a way out and when you do share with me?

Hugs! Hang in there!

L Unit... Extrodinare! said...

My Dearest Heather... As you know I love you with all my heart. And I totally get what you are saying but it is now time for tough love.... Wake Up And Smell The Coffee! OMG woman! Would you stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Do you realize that you have succeeded in more ways than most people. Christmas is a time for family and loved ones! Not about crappy ass jobs and long days! You have love! You are in LOVE... You are successful and smart and beautiful! Why do you feel the need to waste your only time to yourself feeling self pity and loathing? OMG Heather.. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met! You WILL follow your dreams and make them come true! I know you will! If anyone can it would be you! But enough is enough.. Give yourself some credit and hold your head high! Get up off your ass, be thankful for who you are and who you have become. Clean your house and put on some Christmas Cheer... You and Bear will have a great holiday together.. Besides... I HATE seeing you sad! So NO More! You know I could be sitting here in a funk and being sad for my kid but I AM NOT... and so.... well you know what needs to happen. Embrace the opportunity you have to touch your wonderful school kids and the fantabulous welfare junkies you see at your other job and remember.. it could be SO much worse. It is all temporary... because my love, you WILL follow your dream.. I just know it! This is all just a chapter in your life.. Nothing is ever permanent. So, embrace it, love it and remember where it is going to take you.

I heart you! Big puffy hearts too!

Alice said...

Sending you lots of love from Georgia. I have the cutest little toes you can nibble on down here....Austin's toes...not mine. Mine are not cute or worth nibbling on...but baby toes make everything better. :)