I'm trying, I really am.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

For those of you that don't know me in real life or follow me on Plurk, you may not know that I got pink slipped from school on Friday. It's the teacher half of my job, not the ed tech half, although where that's concerned I've been told I *might* not be a high school literacy ed tech III next year; I may be an ed tech II in the Elementary school Special Ed room. While the superintendent is "confident I'll be able to return in the spring," I am not. I don't believe that the town will care enough about my half of a position to save it, when it means less money out of their pockets. I didn't get either of the two jobs I applied for a few weeks ago (I got my application in too late), so I'm becoming increasingly desperate and frustrated and hopeless and anxious.
School is technically "out," as the last official day was last Thursday. I am here Monday through Thursday from 8-1 working on my curriculum. Because they pay me extra. Because that extra money is going towards buying me a spinning wheel. Every morning I wake up and wish I could stay in bed. The drive in to work I can actually feel my body resisting the trip North. I am antisocial while I am here. I shut my door, attempt to work, and spend large quantities of time staring in a stupor around me, wondering what the hell I am going to do if I have to move my entire classroom. Wondering what the hell I am going to do next year if I'm not here. Because teaching jobs are few and far between right now, and honestly? The drama I've dealt with all year is making me question myself. Question my choice of career. Question whether I was meant to be a teacher.
While all of this is going on, I am trying to keep a game face on. Trying to appear as though I'm shrugging it all off, as though it's all just rolling off of my back. But on the inside, I am roiling. While sitting here at my laptop I scrawled these lines down:

This feeling is building -
rising inside me.
The panic, the pressure,
that makes me want to throw up.
It wants to scratch, claw its way out,
Loose a long low cry
Rip itself from my center
so I can feel relief.

My outsides are still
But my insides are boiling.
A roiling sea of anxiety, of nausea,
of pain.

I wrap it, strap it, swallow it down.
Tighten my muscled
against its insistent urging,
its pushing to be free.
To rip, claw, hack, tear its way out,
And leave me,
hollow,
behind it.

All I want, all I need, is to make it through Thursday. Once Thursday is over, Bear and I are on our way to Bar Harbor for my birthday/our anniversary weekend. It's the first trip we take each summer and the one we look forward to most each year. Nothing is allowed to intrude on our weekend - no stress, no work, nothing but the ocean and each other. If I can make it to Friday, I will be okay. I will be able to deal with this situation, with this clusterf**k that is my life.

I'm trying. I really am.

Free for a limited time!

To the left of my blog is a new widget. Do you see it? It's for the National Bone Marrow Donor List. Please consider joining. It takes just a few minutes to register and it may save a life. For a limited time, registration is free! The promo runs until my birthday, the 22nd, or until they get 46,000 donors. I imagine they will reach that number quickly, so do what I did and sign up today! The site is easy to navigate and answers many questions people may have about becoming a donor. Feel free also to add this widget to your own blog - it's super easy to do and will help get the word out that much faster. Thanks!

A weather eye*

Last night while my husband was mowing the lawn (for the third time in a row, even though we are *supposed* to take turns), I wandered around the house looking for something productive to do. I'd just returned from hanging out the laundry, and it is painfully obvious to me that it's time for a new clothespin bag. My current one is hanging on by one rusty grommet and is all ripped to shreds:

An idea struck me: I will SEW a new one! I came up with a simple pattern in a pretty purple fabric and set about making it. As I was cutting the fabric, the thought occurred to me that it's as easy to make two as it is to make one. And if I made two, I could give one away! Sweet!

So keep a weather eye on the bloggy horizon, for in the next week or two I should be posting pics of the clothespin bag and details on how you can win one for your very own!

*This exact entry was re-posted to my other blog, as well, so if you read both, you're not seeing double. I promise.

At least it wasn't all bad...

Friday morning I had to go to the doctor's office, as I thought maybe my nose was broken. Bear and I were roughhousing (whatever. There are no parents around to warn us about such things) and I took an accidental headbutt to the nose. Bear and I both heard the crunch of my nose and backed up in preparation for the gush of blood we both thought was coming. It never did, and my nose didn't swell and I didn't get a black eye. But I had a headache for DAYS right over my nose and it wouldn't go away.

I shouldn't have wasted my time. The doctor took my blood pressure and pulse, asked me a few questions, felt my nose for a second, ("does this hurt? How about this?") and said that it might be broken and it might not, but unless I lose my sense of smell or neurological function, that there was nothing to be done and I should take ibuprofen for the pain.

Couldn't she have told me that over the phone??

I had to go to school after that because I was scheduled to meet with the superintendent of our district at 2pm. 2pm meetings on Fridays are NEVER a good sign. My principal said he would go in with me, which made me feel marginally better as my principal rocks. Bear, who only works half the day on Friday came too but hung out in my room during the meeting.

Remember a while back when I posted about possibly losing the teacher half of my job? Well that never happened. But just as I was breathing a sigh of relief, news of this meeting came down. Here's what happened:

Our school is losing a 1/2 time library aid position. The person in that position is an ed tech III. She is taking my ed tech III position because she has more seniority than me. I am being busted down to an ed tech II and will have to spend half of each day in the elementary school special ed room. I am losing about six dollars an hour, times three hours a day for a daily loss of about eighteen dollars. Multiply that by ten times in the two week pay period and I lose $180 a paycheck. It's ridiculous, and what's worse is there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. This is exactly the way the contract says it is supposed to be done. The real kicker is that the lady taking my ed tech III position is not qualified to teach English - she has a math degree. I'm three classes away from obtaining my master's degree in literacy education.

I put my principal on notice that I am looking for a new job. I don't know for sure if I'll get one, so I'm not resigning from the job I currently have, but my teaching career has to last me the next thirty years. I cannot take a step BACK like this. I must keep moving forward. Please wish me luck as I apply for the two jobs I blogged about last week. I will be applying for any other positions in a fifty mile radius of my home that are full time H.S. English positions.

Because Friday was such a sucky day, Bear decided I needed a little bit of retail therapy. I've been in the market for a new cell phone since February. Friday night, I came home with this baby:

It's an LG Banter, a cell phone with a complete QWERTY keyboard. And the best part? It's kelly green. I LOVE it. It's made of awesome, and it helped take the edge off of Friday. I love the phone, and I love love love Bear for buying it for me. He's really what keeps me together.