What is it about this time of year? What is it about the end of summer and beginning of a new school year that depresses the hell out of me? Why am I so dissatisfied with everything while simultaneously unwilling to do anything about it?
Shouldn't I be excited to go back to school? No see my new students, to do what I'm good at? I'm not. I don't want to go back at all. I will, because it's my career and I chose it, but honestly, I'm just tired of it. Tired of all the bullshit and politics that go along with it. Tired of being screwed for no advantage, no purpose. Just tired.
Shouldn't I be happy that my paychecks will get bigger? That I'll be able to pay my bills more easily once I'm making what I usually do during the school year (I take a 50% paycut in the summer)? I am a bit relieved, but I can't seem to muster a whole lot of enthusiasm. There are still more bills than dollars, and no ability to pay them back.
That's it, really. I can't muster enthusiasm. It's like I'm drained. Incapable of feeling any great depth of emotion. I get irritated easily, but not for long. I get despondent often, but it doesn't last. Most of the time I just feel resigned. Like there's nothing I can do about my job, my home, my relationships. Like the summer, I feel like the best of all those things might be behind me. It sucks. But that's what I have been feeling now for weeks. Maybe things will get better after school starts. It did last year. Maybe Tara's being here will mean I am infected with her enthusiasm for life and my foul-mood funk will dissipate. Maybe my money woes will magically disappear and I will be able to have things and do things as I want.
Maybe I should just join the Border Patrol and see if that fixes anything.
Too many maybes, and I don't have the energy or desire to investigate them very far. I guess I'll just keep putting one day at a time behind me, and hope, somewhere, the sun will peek through.