An Amalgom

Sometimes I have days where I can't think of what to post. It's not that I don't have ideas; rather, it is because I have too many thoughts in my head to focus on just one. Usually I wait until one thought rises to the surface and concentrate on that one. Lately, however, I've been too busy for much introspection. So here are my stream-of-conscious thoughts for today. I separated them by paragraph for ease of reading, but they overlap in my mind.

I had another weird dream last night. This one was a complete story... a sad story. I wonder if I should write it down as a short story? I'd hate to lose it, but at the same time it kind of disturbs me to think about. Dreams are supposed to have deep meanings, aren't they?

So I made lasagna for my friends L-Unit and J-Dogg on Tuesday. They said they liked it. Did they really? Why am I so self-conscious about my cooking? Why do I not believe people when they say that something is good? Is it because I lie to people when I eat something bad? Is there any way to overcome this insecurity? I'm not sure. I don't like that I am so desperate for positive food praise. It's sad. Really, why even cook if I'm not confident about it?

Gas prices suck. I paid $3.32 a gallon today for Mid-Grade gas for my car. I have to fill up every four days, and I have one of the most fuel-efficient cars out there. When am I ever going to be able to afford a new car? I want a pickup truck, so the most I'm going to get for gas mileage is 20mpg. Right now I get 34 mpg. Add a car payment and full coverage insurance and I'm not going to be able to do it!

"He's the only one with enough of me to break my heart." That was a song lyric I heard this morning. I wonder - does Bear have enough of me to break my heart? Do I even give that much of me away anymore? Or did Chad cure me of that years ago? What does that mean if my heart doesn't break? Does that mean I didn't truly love him? That thought is almost too difficult to think. but seriously... do I hold back my love? What event COULD break my heart? Could anything? If I can't think of something, does that mean I'm cold? Heartless?

I love my Rite Aid job more than my teaching job. That sucks. I paid so much money to become a teacher, and I'm good at it. Well, the teaching part. I suck at the paperwork/administrative parts. I voted today to go forward with a "no confidence" vote about the superintendent. I don't even know what that will do. I just know that I don't like her or the policies she creates. If I'm honest with myself, I know that I'm also pissed that she screwed me out of a step on the payscale. I can't wait for her to be gone.

Why is a fireman walking past my classroom windows? Doesn't he know what a distraction he is to my kids? Kind of fitting, though, as we just talked about the fire in chapter 8 of To Kill a Mockingbird. Still. That's really random.

I'm so hungry! It's only 10:30, and I already can't wait for lunch. I hate how school messes with my biological clock. Normal people don't eat lunch that early! But I've done it for so long, now my body is accustomed to that. It's not right.

Christmas, Christmas, what is Christmas going to be like this year? Am I going to get the things I want? Am I going to be able to buy the things I want? How much money can I realistically spend? Do I spend too much? Not enough? What am I going to get my cousins? Is the farm Monopoly game insulting? I wouldn't have thought it was, except Bear asked me, and now I wonder.

I keep forgetting to tell people I saw another moose yesterday! It was a bull moose with a nice rack... but he was facing away from the road so all I got a good view of was his butt. That made me giggle. It still does.