Thursday, December 04, 2008

Meh.

Tuesday night on our way home from getting groceries, Bear asked me when we should put our tree up. I shrugged. "I don't really care if we don't put it up at all, actually," I said. "It just seems silly to do all that work for three weeks and then have to take it all down again."
"Are you kidding?" Bear queried.
"No... why?" I asked.
"Because. You're the one who got me back into celebrating Christmas. I didn't celebrate it for years before you. You were the one who insisted that Christmas needs to be celebrated. You made a big deal out of it and made me love it again. Now you're telling me that you don't care?"

It's true. For the first time in my entire life, I do not care about Christmas. I'm not against the idea, but I have no feelings at all either way. It's odd, and it would concern me - but I just can't be bothered to care. I wonder in a detached way why I feel this way, but it's too much work to suss out the reasons so I haven't really bothered. I do feel guilty for disappointing Bear. But should I lie about it? Is it better to pretend to have holiday spirit for his sake or to be honest about it for mine? I don't really know the answer to that question.

I know that part of my ambivalence comes from knowing that we have very *very* little money to spend on gifts. Part of it is because I have no surprise gifts in mind for Bear - he's getting stuff from his list (last year I surprised him with Jeff Dunham tickets and he was THRILLED). A part comes from working two jobs, which leaves me too tired to want to decorate. I'm sure as well that part of my lack of spirit is because of some reason I have yet to discover.

Bear and I are going to the Festival of Lights parade on Saturday night. It's a Christmas parade that culminates in the lighting of the tree in downtown Bangor. I'm looking forward to it, and I hope that it will put a little bit of holiday spirit into my otherwise empty heart. If it doesn't, I don't know what to do to keep from disappointing Bear further.

4 comments:

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Fox In Detox said...

You described how I feel to a "T"... normally my entire house is decorated by Thanksgiving. This year, eh...I don't even care. I hate feeling like this...but I have ZERO Christmas spirit, and even less tolerance. At least I have no one who will be disappointed if I don't turn on the happy face. Sometimes, that's a plus.

Alice said...

We're going to have to move out of our house by the end of this month (a long story that I might blog about one day) - so we were sorta up in the air about decorating for Christmas. It is our first christmas together - so I bit the bullet and decorated anyway. And now I'm glad I did. I hope a little of the Christmas magic catches you this year!!

Cheryl said...

I hear you! I have not felt like decorating at all, but know I will because of the kids. I don't have the energy and I hate the idea of having to buy gifts, when they really don't need anything. It will be a tight Christmas for us too.
However, one thing makes me happy and I bet you will smile too. When all the lights are off and it is just you, Bear and the sparkling lights. Nothing is more beautiful and peaceful than cuddling up, with the lights shining like magic (and hopes for a better year).
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