Phew!

My little gecko must be the luckiest little guy on the planet. Not only did I find him alive and well yesterday (he was pretty thirsty, but otherwise fine), but that's not his first miraculous survival.

Yesterday when I got home from school, I headed straight to the bathroom (it's a long drive, okay?). My hellcat Briggs was in there, staring very intently and unmoving at something underneath the washing machine. I knew it might be Shota, so I shushed Briggs out of the bathroom while I finished up, and then grabbed a flashlight and laid on the floor to look under there. Ever looked under your washing machine? I don't recommend it (*shudder*). No Shota. Hmm. I was about to mark it up to Briggs being crazy, then had the thought that I might as well check behind the washer while I had the flashlight handy. I stood up, leaned over and shined the light. Down there, on the floor, in the back corner, I could see... something. It might have been Shota's tail; it might have been a sliver of an old pizza crust (I told you not to look there!). I reached for a nearby mop handle to poke the thing and see if it moved, but in the second I looked away, it had disappeared. Yes! I thought. Shota is under the washer. I shut the door to keep the cats out and went to my other job, since there was no way I could move that washer by myself.
When I got home, Bear informed me that Shota was still in the bathroom but no longer under the washer - he was on the towel stand. He'd apparently given Bear a good approximation of a glare from his new perch when Bear went in there upon coming home that evening. Bear was not about to try to catch him (he's not a fan of things that crawl), but was willing to help me guide him to a container. We went in to the bathroom, located my dearest little guy, and without too much trouble got him into a temporary tub so that I could tote him safely to his regular cage. We got him in, watered, and fed him without any drama. What a relief!

Thank you for your concern, all of you - I appreciate it. I will post pictures from the weekend tomorrow, as I promised you on Friday. I took LOTS of pictures (including an absolutely adorable one of Bear).

I

Oh, Shit.

I took pictures this weekend, and was going to post them. I still will, but today I need your help:

Shota has escaped.

Shota is my crested gecko. This morning when I woke up, his spray bottle and another bottle had been knocked off the shelf next to his cage (likely perpetrator: the cats), and his cage door was wide open. Shota is nowhere to be found. I'm shitting bricks. If he's alive, he could be anywhere. If he's not... well, then I need to find his remains. I really, REALLY hope he will go back into his cage when he tires of his jaunt; I don't hold out much hope of that happening.

Poor little guy. I'm sure he's scared witless.

~Amalia~

PS The pic above isn't him, but it's what he looks like. Will you let me know if you see him? I'd really like him to come home!!

Ahh, Friday...

I love Friday. I get to wear jeans to work, I wake with the knowledge that tomorrow I get to sleep in, it's Horny Day (!), Bear gets out of work a half-hour early, and I can stay up late because I don't have to get up at 5:45am to get ready for school. Friday pretty much rocks. I have a lot of plans for this weekend. Here's what I'm doing:

1. Taking a slew of pictures to post for my blogger friends. What do you want to see?
2. Laundry. I hate it, but it's almost caught up. I need to get it done!
3. Baking. Cookies, some sort of blueberry dish (coffee cake? Crumble? Crisp? Muffins?), even a baked ham. Okay, so it's baked hamsteaks. Close enough.
4. Mowing the lawn one last time. Maybe.
5. Playing with my cats. They have been neglected lately.
6. Sex. As much as possible.
7. Sleep. Ditto.
8. Apple picking? Hint, hint, Bear!!

What are your weekend plans?

Thanks, Alice

Alice from Wandering Wonderland asked what I was looking forward to this Fall. Since I've been so down about school starting up again and hating that summer is over, I thought it would be a good exercise. Here's my list:

• Football.
  
• Apple pie.
  
• Early morning sun gilding the night's frost.
  
• Scarves.
  
• Mittens.
  
• Pumpkins.
  
• The crisp breeze that blows just enough to make fallen leaves dance wildly.
  
• My brother's wedding.
  
• Tara becoming my sister.
  
• The anticipation of the first snow.
  
• Apple picking.
  
• Wearing socks to bed.
  
• Big sweaters.
  
• Wood fires.
  
• The brilliance of autumn foliage.
  
• Early sunsets.
  
• Love.

What are you looking forward to this Fall?

Happy Birthday to You...

Today is Bear's BIRTHDAY!
Happy 25th, Baby!
I know you don't get excited about your birthday, but I do - because I love you, and I love any excuse to spoil you. Unfortunately, our financial situation makes any real spoiling out of the question, but there's always next year for those Patriots tickets, right? :0) I hope you are able to enjoy your day and accept that there are so many people who love you and who want your day to be as special to you as you are to them. You are the child that your village raised, and they are so proud of the man you have become. Let them spoil you a little bit today, too, won't you? As for me, today is the day I get to celebrate the birth of the man who has made me happier than I have any right being, who has shown me what true love is. Happy Birthday, Baby. Thanks for being here.

I love you,

~Amalia~

School

Today was my third day back to school, and the first one with actual students. It was only the handful of freshmen I have here today, but at least it was something. I have to tell you, this year has started out even worse than I anticipated.

First and most frustrating is the $820 or so of MISSING school supplies that I ordered and that were approved in the budget. Where are my things? What happened to the money for those things since I don't have those things? What is FREAKING going ON?!

We have a new principal, which is both good and bad. I think he is going to be a much stronger and upfront leader (we may actually know what is going on this year), but he has no idea what the last principal did (namely to the aforementioned supplies). I am going to cross my fingers that things go well. What else can I do?

I am being forced to pay union dues as though I were a full time teacher instead of a half time one (which I am). what was $186 taken out of my salary this year is now going to total $500. Oh, and when I mentioned that I may just drop out of the union altogether, I was "strongly encouraged" to stick with it, since my "name had come up on a couple of occasions in confidential meetings." That's code for: someone's trying to find a way to screw you, so you'd better cover your ass. Fabulous.

We have no contract right now, and probably won't until January or February. The payscale is frozen, which thanks to my increased union dues actually means I am making LESS money than I was last year. I am not surprised, but I am frustrated.

So where does all this leave me? I'm not sure. I don't know what I am going to do with my students yet. I am hoping against hope that they will be my saving grace this year - that they will be sweet enough or at least good natured enough to get me through this. If the kids are bad, too, I will have a hard time finding the strength to make it through this year.

I wish I had better news for you all. I will try to blog again tomorrow once I've had an actual day of school with all of my students. I hope it will be a good one!

You know what I think?

• I think that life isn't fair.
• And that chocolate shouldn't be fattening.
• And that no matter how hard I try, I'll never live up to my expectations.
• And romance novels are a cruel trick, because the men in them don't freaking exist!
• Even if they are hot.
• And even if I am way better in the sack than the heroines are.
• Way better.
• And that it doesn't matter how much or little sleep I get, because I will always be tired when I wake up.
• I'd make a great romance novelist.
• If I could write.
• And I could totally be discovered by a music executive if I sing in my car with the windows open, really loudly.
• and that finally, finally (!) I have fan-fucking-tastic hair.
  
• Especially right before I have to go to bed.

~Amalia~

What is it about this time of year? What is it about the end of summer and beginning of a new school year that depresses the hell out of me? Why am I so dissatisfied with everything while simultaneously unwilling to do anything about it?
Shouldn't I be excited to go back to school? No see my new students, to do what I'm good at? I'm not. I don't want to go back at all. I will, because it's my career and I chose it, but honestly, I'm just tired of it. Tired of all the bullshit and politics that go along with it. Tired of being screwed for no advantage, no purpose. Just tired.
Shouldn't I be happy that my paychecks will get bigger? That I'll be able to pay my bills more easily once I'm making what I usually do during the school year (I take a 50% paycut in the summer)? I am a bit relieved, but I can't seem to muster a whole lot of enthusiasm. There are still more bills than dollars, and no ability to pay them back.
That's it, really. I can't muster enthusiasm. It's like I'm drained. Incapable of feeling any great depth of emotion. I get irritated easily, but not for long. I get despondent often, but it doesn't last. Most of the time I just feel resigned. Like there's nothing I can do about my job, my home, my relationships. Like the summer, I feel like the best of all those things might be behind me. It sucks. But that's what I have been feeling now for weeks. Maybe things will get better after school starts. It did last year. Maybe Tara's being here will mean I am infected with her enthusiasm for life and my foul-mood funk will dissipate. Maybe my money woes will magically disappear and I will be able to have things and do things as I want.
Maybe I should just join the Border Patrol and see if that fixes anything.
Too many maybes, and I don't have the energy or desire to investigate them very far. I guess I'll just keep putting one day at a time behind me, and hope, somewhere, the sun will peek through.

~Amalia~

Race Pics

I came in 76 out of 84, and my time for the 3.1 miles was 33:10 (a personal best). I have LOADS more to work on, but it was a start.

Meditations While Running

I've been running a lot lately. Last May, when I began running, I thought I'd soon be canvassing the countryside in my sneakers, a long, lithe shadow that crossed great distances with ease. The truth is a bit less glorious: I'm up to just under 3.5 miles of running at a time, and run it in about fourty minutes. While I know have a long way to go before my reality meets up with my vision, I have improved greatly since May, and I've learned a lot. There isn't much to do while running except keep putting one foot in front of the other and enjoy what's around you. I've also found that I have a lot of time to think. About life. About my relationships. About my dreams, failings, personality quirks, disappointments, joys, and more. I thought I'd share with you what I've been pondering as I've been out running.

• My mind is the weakest of all of my organs. It wants to give up long before my body does. If it can, it will quit before I even begin. I am finding that I often sabotage myself. On the rare occasions that I don't give in to its strident demands that I stop trying, I feel amazing afterwards. Why can I not remember that before I run or eat that seventh piece of chocolate?
• The reason I run, the reason I have lost all this weight is not for my health. It's for my beauty. I have this deep-seated need to be adored. By my husband, by my friends, by strangers. I am losing my youth, and there isn't a lot I can do about it. But I can look good for my age. I can look my absolute best so that I can get the second glances and turned heads. I want people to envy my husband, to think he's a lucky bastard for coming home to me each night. I'm not there yet (I don't know if I'll ever be there), but I am getting closer.
• Nature really is beautiful. Raining, muggy, sunshiny, windy, and more, each time I go outside I see something beautiful. It seems that the only time I'm ever outside is when I'm running. I am growing to love my time outdoors. Even when it's hot.
• My cousin Holly is a runner. Has been for years. I am thinking more and more about emailing her and asking her how to improve my running, how she manages to find time in her busy schedule. It's funny becuase when she started to run, I thought she was a bit crazy. That it was way too hard, and few if any people can be successful at it. She won her last 5k for her age bracket. I'm competing in my first race tomorrow.
• When I moved to Brownville Junction a few years ago, no one new me. Then word got out that I was Bear's Girlfriend. After we were married, I was known as Bear's Wife. Then I started working at Rite Aid and became The Girl Who Works at Rite Aid. The other day I was identified as The Girl Who Runs All the Time in Brownville. I'm okay with that. More than okay.
• I don't think I will feel like I'm a *real* runner until I can routinely run five to ten miles at a time. I'm not even at four miles yet.
• I wish I had someone to run with. A man, so I don't have to compete in the looks department.
• I need new sneakers.
• Stretching, it turns out, really IS important.

I'm off to do that now.

~Amalia~

The Week in Review

Sorry it's been so long since I posted! I've been very busy settling in to my summer schedule. I will post some pics from last weekend's Bar Harbor trip and one surprise photo at the end. I hope you like it!

Bar Harbor was wonderful. It was warm and pleasant and Bear and I got quite a bit of hiking in. I've always loved the beauty of the Maine coastline, and this time was no exception. It was so hard to say goodbye to the cool ocean breezes and the gorgeous views. One trail we stopped to picnic on a giant boulder at the shoreline while we watched the tide roll in. There is something so peaceful about the ebb and flow of the ocean, about the rhythm of of the tides and days. I could spend my entire life there, quite happily. I truly hope that someday Bear and I can find our way there to live. Here's why:

And here's the surprise photo: I got new glasses! It's been about two years since I've had a pair. What do you think?

Happy Birthday to ME!

Today is my birthday. I'm 27! I can't believe it. Bear and I just returned from an amazing weekend in Bar Harbor. Pictures and stories to follow. For now? Have a great night... and happy birthday to ME!


~Amalia~

Today is

the last day of school for me. I'm officially DONE having two jobs. Well, for the next ten weeks, anyway. I couldn't be happier. Here's what's in store for the summer:

• Rework my diet to a less processed, more wholesome one.
• Go to Bar Harbor with Bear this weekend
• Hike as much as possible
• Hike Gulf Hagas
  
• Improve my running to at least three miles in thirty minutes at a time
• Run five days a week
• Run each morning before seven a.m.
• Get restful sleep
• Run in my first ever 5k race on July 19
• Spend time with friends
• Lose the rest of the weight I want
• Sculpt my body by building muscle and firming my jiggly bits
• Maintain this blog and my MCC posts
• Pay off bills
• Save money for Mark and Tara's wedding in October
• Knit
  
• Clean the house and garage
• Work 30-40 hours a week at Rite Aid

What are your plans for the summer? Anything fun? Let me know!

Ever have one of those days?

Ever have one of those days that you hate the world and everyone in it (including yourself)? That everything fucking sucks and you just want to give up/run away/kick the shit out of something until you feel better?

I'm having one of those days. I hate my life.

I hate that I have to work two jobs just to make ends meet. I hate that the reason I have to do that is because I lived off of my credit cards to support my stupid ex-boyfriend who didn't deserve that kind of sacrifice, and will never offer to pay me back. I hate that I can't get ahead, no matter what I do. I hate that people can tell how poor we are. I hate that friends have more than we do because they are smarter with their money that I am. I hate that I'm still driving my piece of shit Ford instead of my truck. I hate that I've put on three fucking pounds in a week for NO GOOD REASON. I hate that I have to go to school until Thursday. I hate that I asked my husband a question last night that pissed him off AND he still hasn't answered. I hate that him not answering makes me suspicious when I wasn't before (the question was a joke - at first). I hate that I dreamed about snooping into his private stuff because of this question that realistically I KNOW THE ANSWER TO ALREADY. I hate the guilty feeling I woke up with even though I didn't snoop and won't. I hate that I don't lead a romance-novel kind of life. I hate that I can't be picked up and carried around as though I weighed nothing. I hate that I haven't gone camping this year. I hate that I'm always worrying about money. I hate that I'm not the best at what I do (except sex, and I rarely get to prove that). I hate that I'm in such a bad mood.

I just hate.

Gee, thanks!

After reading the comments I received on my last post, I need to say thank you. Living in my body every day keeps me from seeing the results of losing twenty-one pounds. That three people said something to me about it based on that picture means that it is visible - I am noticeably smaller than I was. It really made my day! A big thank you to Eileen, Fox in Detox, and L-Unit (the anonymous commenter).

In other (scary) news, I've done something kinda big: I've signed up to run a 5k race in July! Saturday, July 19, I will be participating in the "3rd Annual Danforth's to Dysart's 5k." It will be my very first race! I'm not even up to running three miles yet. I did check with the director to make sure that I will be able to get a t-shirt. I really want a memento of my first-ever race. My Life Plan is to get a t-shirt from every race I run until I have enough to make a quilt. That's sixteen to twenty races or thereabouts. I need to have something to keep me motivated once my "training" program is over and I can run for thirty minutes at a time.

In case you didn't notice, I've added new activity and weight goals to my blog (bottom of the page). You can keep track of me there. I'll work on adding some new pics soon! After all, if you're going to keep complimenting me, I'm going to keep posting! :-D

~Amalia~

The Whole Damn Family (Miss You Mark and Tara!)

From left to right: Long-lost brother Mike, Daddy, Mom, Bear, Tara, and Me. Not Pictured: Favorite brother Mark.

Finals Week

This week is finals week for my students. I teach three classes, and each has its final either Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday morning. This morning a group of bleary-eyed kids wandered into my room and plopped resignedly, into their seats. They hate finals.
I love them.
Why? It isn't as though their finals count more than any other assessment does (I teach a standards-based class). It isn't as though they take this much more seriously than any other test of the year. No... I love finals week for another reason entirely.

It means I'm almost done.

Once that third class has staggered out my door, I don't have to look at a student again until September. Ten glorious weeks of NO KIDS. I love it. I can't wait. I NEED it. I love my job, but teenagers - well, to say they can get on your nerves is an understatement. Normally they are good kids, too... but that doesn't keep me from wishing I could choke them a time or two.

THREE MORE DAYS!

~Amalia~

I wonder...

I was in the shower last night sudsing my hair when I had a thought: would my trunk full of old clothes fit me now? It had been years since I dug in there to try on clothes I wore in high school and my first year of college. I weighed about 143 most of my time in school, and although I'm at 156 right now, perhaps something there would fit. I got out of the shower and once I was all dried off and clothed again, I ran upstairs to try.
The trunk was covered in the detritus of my closet - an old fan, a plant pot I never used, sheets and blankets. I managed to shove the stuff back so I could open a corner of the trunk and pull things out one at a time. When I was done, I had about ten pairs of pants and jeans. Awesome. I don't have any jeans that fit me right now, and even my orange pants that I just took out of storage a few months ago are getting a little loose. With barely restrained optimism, I started trying each pair on.
The first pair went on without much of a problem, although there was definite muffin-toppage. The second, third, and fourth were all too small. More muffin tops with pairs five, six and seven. Pair eight, black stretchy dress pants fit well enough, and pair nine, my favorite jeans from high school, fit. As in, could button. As in, looked better on me now than before. A little tight at the waist, perhaps, but nothing a loose shirt won't cover. GOD I missed these jeans! They aren't name brand and they aren't even women's - but they are awesome. I am so excited. Another five or so pounds from my waist, and I will have doubled my jeans wardrobe.

I can't wait.

Rooting Around

Sometimes as I'm driving, or daydreaming, or looking out the window, I spin hypothetical situations in my head. What would I do if I didn't get renewed as a teacher? Would I ever teach in another state? Is there another job I could see myself doing? If I could do anything or live anywhere, what would I do? Where would I live?
The answers to these questions are always different, even if there are some common threads. For example, I've always dreamed of being an author of romance novels. Sometimes I want to make enough money to move to Ireland where I could live in a country cottage with a spotted dog and a garden. Other times I choose to write books here in the states, in a fancy house - but the rest of the world doesn't know my real identity. Sometimes I keep a day job, but most commonly I don't. Sometimes I dream of being a professor instead of a teacher... other times I give up teaching all together.
The one thing I've learned is that I love Maine. For all of it's problems, Maine is and will always be home. If I ever move away, I know I will always come back. Maine is where my family is from. Maine is where my history has happened. I've been fortunate enough to have either lived in or visited most of the state, and I have always been able to find natural beauty and good people. Maine really is "the way life should be."

My husband has lived in the same town his entire life. He was born, raised, and lives in this town. It is as much a part of him as his family is of it. He knows every person, tree, and stone in that town and the surrounding areas. He's never lived anywhere else, although he has traveled to many other places.
Lately, my husband has expressed to me the desire to move away. To leave the life he's led and start over somewhere new. Still in Maine, but somewhere away from the place he grew up. It's a huge step for him: making the realization the he isn't as happy in his town as he used to be is a difficult one to make, and imagining creating a new life elsewhere takes a lot of courage.
There are, of course, drawbacks. The first is that he owns our house and has a secure job that pays fairly well. It is hard for him to walk away from that much security (especially after all the uncertainty he has had in his life already). Added to that is the knowledge that should he ever need anything, there is a support network around that can and will help him out. It is comforting to know that you have neighbors and friends that keep an eye out for you.
After talking to me about it (which I'm sure didn't happen until he had done hours of careful considering and thinking about his decision), we have come to a *very* tentative plan of paying off as much debt as we can for the next two years, finishing my schooling, and getting the heck outta Dodge. Where we are going to go, we aren't sure yet - we both love the coast and want to stay in Maine, but haven't thought beyond that. We have no idea what he will do for a living (I can easily get another teaching job). Bear is finally ready to make a change, a big change, in his life. I am so excited for him and for us. Whatever happens, I know Bear and I will have some grand adventures. We will test ourselves and each other and come out stronger in the end.

I can't wait to see what happens next.

So Many Words for So Few Days

Bear and I returned last night from our weekend of fun/work in Boothbay Harbor and Waldoboro, ME. My brother and his fiancé flew in from Arizona to his mother's house in Waldoboro for a weekend of wedding planning. We hadn't seen them since our own wedding last June, and couldn't wait for them to get here. Bear and I drove down Friday afternoon and checked in to the historic Moody's Diner cabins for our two-night stay. The cabin was quite cute - obviously run by older people (as witnessed by the curtains and other decor), and clean. And just what we needed. Friday night we visited with M and T (bother and fiancé), as well as the long lost brother Mike. I made my husband and M proud, because I was very polite. I even hugged him. And as T noted, I did NOT spring the numerous verbal traps that Mike walked into. We haven't really talked about anything. It wasn't the time. But everyone who knew how I felt mentioned to me how restrained I was. It was nice knowing that my effort was acknowledged.
Saturday morning, after breakfast, T and I headed to bridal shops to look for her shoes, underthings, and tiara. We found all three in Portland, where I bought my wedding dress last year. It was very successful, considering how we managed to lose Route 1 a number of times. The whole way down and back, T and I talked. And talked. And talked. We really got a chance to get to know each other for the first time. And you know what? I absolutely ADORE her. She is just like me (and I didn't think there was such a person), but even feistier. She is beautiful, articulate, and genuinely warm. I am beyond thrilled that this woman will soon be a member of my family.
Saturday night we headed to a Bob Marley comedy show after a wonderful dinner. The theater we saw him at was very small, so we got to see him up close. I swear we made eye contact a couple of times. I was a little worried he was going to say something when I got up in the middle of the show to pee, actually. That's how close we were. He didn't, thank God. After the show we went immediately to the bar. Mike was DD, which allowed me to get drunk, really drunk, for the first time in a long time. I had TWO Long Island Iced Teas (two wine coolers will do me in, so that should give you an idea). I remember everything - even telling T my ENTIRE life story and having to hold Mike's hand to run across the road to the car. I wasn't stumbling or anything (even in three inch heels!) but I wasn't about to chance it, either. I definitely remember Mike sliding down the stripper pole in the dance club (why was that thing even there, anyway?) while stone cold sober. I had to shake my head.
Sunday morning Mom and Dad showed up for breakfast. It was nice - T sat with Bear and I so that I didn't have to sit with Mike. It's not that I don't like him... it's more that he's a jackass and irritates me with his inane comments. Bear and I had checked out of Moody's, but weren't quite ready to go home, so we followed M and T to the Spruce Point Inn where the wedding will be held. M had seen it before, but T had not. The only thing she knew about it was from the pictures I sent her last fall. It was so validating when she saw the place she and M will say their vows and got choked up. She was in awe of the entire place, which made me so happy! I was thrilled that I had helped guide her to a decision she was so obviously thrilled with.
When Bear and I decided to leave, T and I hugged. I didn't want to say goodbye, knowing it will be four months before I see her again. I hugged M, too, but really?

It's T that I'll miss more.

There are other things that I'll remember from this weekend - T scaring the crap out of three grown men as she runs at M's Jeep, yelling and screaming. Making eye contact with T during Bob Marley, knowing that we were thinking the same thing. Cuddling with Bear early in the morning. Sipping coffee with Bear while waiting for the world to awaken. The stripper pole and Mike's feet in the air as he slid down. The waitress that flung our drinks at us. Getting to know this amazing woman that I will soon be lucky enough to call my sister.