Meditations While Running

I've been running a lot lately. Last May, when I began running, I thought I'd soon be canvassing the countryside in my sneakers, a long, lithe shadow that crossed great distances with ease. The truth is a bit less glorious: I'm up to just under 3.5 miles of running at a time, and run it in about fourty minutes. While I know have a long way to go before my reality meets up with my vision, I have improved greatly since May, and I've learned a lot. There isn't much to do while running except keep putting one foot in front of the other and enjoy what's around you. I've also found that I have a lot of time to think. About life. About my relationships. About my dreams, failings, personality quirks, disappointments, joys, and more. I thought I'd share with you what I've been pondering as I've been out running.

• My mind is the weakest of all of my organs. It wants to give up long before my body does. If it can, it will quit before I even begin. I am finding that I often sabotage myself. On the rare occasions that I don't give in to its strident demands that I stop trying, I feel amazing afterwards. Why can I not remember that before I run or eat that seventh piece of chocolate?
• The reason I run, the reason I have lost all this weight is not for my health. It's for my beauty. I have this deep-seated need to be adored. By my husband, by my friends, by strangers. I am losing my youth, and there isn't a lot I can do about it. But I can look good for my age. I can look my absolute best so that I can get the second glances and turned heads. I want people to envy my husband, to think he's a lucky bastard for coming home to me each night. I'm not there yet (I don't know if I'll ever be there), but I am getting closer.
• Nature really is beautiful. Raining, muggy, sunshiny, windy, and more, each time I go outside I see something beautiful. It seems that the only time I'm ever outside is when I'm running. I am growing to love my time outdoors. Even when it's hot.
• My cousin Holly is a runner. Has been for years. I am thinking more and more about emailing her and asking her how to improve my running, how she manages to find time in her busy schedule. It's funny becuase when she started to run, I thought she was a bit crazy. That it was way too hard, and few if any people can be successful at it. She won her last 5k for her age bracket. I'm competing in my first race tomorrow.
• When I moved to Brownville Junction a few years ago, no one new me. Then word got out that I was Bear's Girlfriend. After we were married, I was known as Bear's Wife. Then I started working at Rite Aid and became The Girl Who Works at Rite Aid. The other day I was identified as The Girl Who Runs All the Time in Brownville. I'm okay with that. More than okay.
• I don't think I will feel like I'm a *real* runner until I can routinely run five to ten miles at a time. I'm not even at four miles yet.
• I wish I had someone to run with. A man, so I don't have to compete in the looks department.
• I need new sneakers.
• Stretching, it turns out, really IS important.

I'm off to do that now.

~Amalia~