Some More, 'Cause I can.

How Cute Are We?

Oooh, do I have a treat for YOU!

I had Saturday off from work. It was a beautiful day - the sun was shining, the air was crisp. Bear and I left the house early - me in my pajamas, nursing a coffee and nibbling on some monkey bread we brought with us - to scout out the foliage at Katahdin Iron Works, a local forest/campground/mountain/former iron works area. We found some pretty spots, even though the foliage here in Maine is past peak. We drove back home, squinting from the sun gleaming off of the frosted grass and trees. We changed, I straightened my hair, and we left again. This time we brought some more clothes and picked up Bear's aunt. A photographer. We went back to KI (as it's called by the locals) and stopped at the first of several picturesque locations.

And had our pictures taken.

We haven't been photographed since our wedding, and have no "normal" shots of the two of us. We remedied this yesterday. 115 shots, and they were all awesome. I will be posting several of my favorites this afternoon. Maybe you could help me decide which you like best?

~Amalia~

Best. Timesuck. Ever.

This is the best little timesuck I've ever had the pleasure of becoming addicted to. Enjoy!

~Amalia~

A moment of Altruism

So I was cruising around the internet this morning and came across this. You can win it if you put a comment under the post, and earn a few more by blogging about it and putting the banner on your blog (as I did, because I want it). Good luck!

Here!

For all my wedding extravaganza photos, follow the link to my Flickr account. Enjoy!



~Amalia~

Wedding Post #1

Dear Mark and Tara,
Congratulations. You did it. You got through all of the planning, drama, and surprises and were married in a beautiful ceremony by the sea at sunset. You spoke vows you'd written yourselves and shared your love for each other in front of all your family and friends. Some of those friends shared words they'd written to honor you. We all celebrated your love along with you, enjoying good food, better dancing, and the best people. Through the day, your love was as brilliant as the foliage around you. You were beautiful. You are beautiful.

Congratulations.

Love,
Heather

I'm gonna kill her.

Swear to God, I fucking HATE my mother.

No, really, I mean it.

Yes, I do.

Hate.


My mother can aggravate me more than any other person on the planet. No one has the ability to take me from placid to enraged in under six seconds like she does. The latest fiasco, you ask?
I am a plan maker. Especially when timing is tricky. Like this wedding week extravaganza that I'm leaving for tonight. Different things are planned for every day, and the timing of each has been tricky to coordinate. Thursday, for example, I am supposed to meet my parents at the tux rental place at nine a.m. so Daddy can make sure his tux fits, and I can get mom's gift for Tara and the cupcake holders that I need for the bridal shower cupcakes. The bridal shower is at 11:30, so I'll have to be there by 11:00 to get things set up. That doesn't leave a lot of time for doing what's necessary and getting from here to there.
I just got an email from my mother saying that she is "sending Daddy to get his tux noon-ish. He will give you the gift for Tara and the cupcake holders then." WHAT?! That's too late! What the HELL?! We had a plan, it was perfect. Then Mom screws it up. She does this All. The. Time. I sent her an email back that said, "Um, Mom, what happened to you both being there early in the morning? I NEED to have the holders and gift BEFORE 11:30 as that's when the shower starts. I'm kinda FREAKING OUT HERE, MOM. Help!"

I texted Bear, frantic.

What am I going to do?!? I kept thinking. Tara's sisters are going to KILL me.

Thankfully, Bear came to the rescue, as he so often does. He called me and told me to tell Mom that we would stop by her house on the way down tonight (it's about ten miles out of the way, but whatever) and pick up the holders and gift. That way we know we have them and can avoid any problems on Thursday. It sucks because now I won't get a chance to see my dad until Saturday, but I've got to do what's best for Tara. I hate that Mom gets out of having to work around someone else's schedules as always, but I should know by now that she is not trustworthy. Gah! Jesus, she freakin' pisses me off! Anyone ELSE have a horrible mother story to share and make me feel better?

Scrambling for purchase

You know in action movies when characters are climbing a rock face and they are hanging on by their finger and toe tips to some sheer face, a moment away from falling to their deaths? Yeah, that’s kind of where I am right now. Not a literal rock face, because how could I type this to you if I were? Rather, a figurative rock face. The rock? My emotional state. The fall I’m worried about? Depression.

For the last several weeks, I’ve been struggling against the fall of depression. I have been unaccountably sad for no easily discernible reason for weeks now. I’m near tears for most of each day, and have to blink them back at least twice daily. Why? I’ve been asking that question a lot lately, trying to find out why I’m on this rock face and how to get the hell off of it. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

Saturday, Bear went with his friend A to Southern Maine for the day. He’s been friends with A for years (long before I met him) and they haven’t had much of an opportunity to hang out lately. I had to work Saturday, so I couldn’t go. I thought I was okay with them going – why wouldn’t I? Well, Bear and A have history, complete with italics. A is a girl. A girl whom he has intimate knowledge of. That thing you’re thinking? Yeah, they did that. I know it was years ago, I know it was “no big deal”, I know that my husband is trustworthy. I am a confident woman who is assured of her place in her husband’s heart. And yet Saturday morning when I woke up, I felt sick. I kept wondering what they were doing, where they were at that moment, if she looked particularly good that day, if he’d worn the cologne that drives me crazy (he did. I’m not sure what to make of that). I was devastated, almost as if he and A were doing something they weren’t supposed to, as if it were a foregone conclusion. It was apparent to me that despite my saying so, I was not okay with them being alone together. I tried so hard not to let Bear know. I tried so hard not to be that girl who doesn’t allow her husband to hang out with women. I trust him, so what was the deal? I don’t know. I still can’t figure it out. After he got home and I got home from work, I still wasn’t okay. Two days later and I’m STILL not okay. Last night I basically forced him to have sex with me, but didn’t get what I was after. In my mind, it felt perfunctory, like he was doing it to shut me up or placate me or something. If Bear is reading this right now, he’s pissed. Because he doesn’t operate that way. He doesn’t have a dishonest bone in his body and he’s quite rightly pissed right now that I can think like this. I don’t blame him – all of my issues are in my head. I made them up. The issue with A? Nonexistent. Obligatory sex? He would never do that. So what the HELL is my issue? And why can’t I get past this? If I can’t figure out the answers to these questions, things are going to get bad fast between us. If I keep looking at him and wondering, what if, I’m going to drive him away.

Secondary to all this, Bear and I are heading to my brother’s wedding. It is a five day extravaganza and will be the first time in over a year I’ve had this much time off. Bear wants to spend time together, just the two of us. So do I. Unfortunately I have obligations (I’m a bridesmaid). And my obligations get more complicated and involved as I get closer to this trip. I feel like this trip is going to disappoint Bear. I have developed an intense anxiety about disappointing him. And, just like the situation with A, it feels inside as though it is a foregone conclusion. It’s a desperate feeling, and it’s one I cannot shake. It feels as though I’m losing my grip on the rockface and I don’t know how to keep from falling.

Scratch that

I had a post going about laundry, of all things. Upon re-reading it, I realized how boring it was so I deleted it. You're welcome! Instead, I thought I'd fill you in on my Christmas list. Yes, I've started it. Hasn't everyone?

• First, there's this, which will take my knitting to the next level.
  
• While we're on the topic, I'd like to try one of these, too (it's for spinning fiber into yarn).
• Of course, then I'll need some fiber to spin (the example is just that - I'm not picky about composition or color).
• When I'm not knitting, I love to read. This would make reading much more economical! Well, I would at least make up the cost of the thing with the cheaper book prices.
• My truck, Burke, deserves a gift, too, don't you think?
• There's a bunch of other stuff on my list, too. Just take a peek here, would you?

What do you want for Christmas? No asking for world peace or love of family, either - I want your Id to tell me what STUFF you selfishly want this year! Cheryl, Alice - I'm talking to YOU.

~Amalia~

Don't Judge, just vote.

I need your help. Don't judge. Don't question - just vote. Go to www.badknitgirls.com and click on my banner (Boutrosbabe, the first one). Yes, I knit, yes, I have a tattoo, yes I'm a dork. Just vote for me, okay? Thanks.

~Amalia~

Apple Bread, anyone?

I made apple bread yesterday. It is a quick bread (no yeast required), so it took next to no time to prepare. I did have the help of my beloved Bear and Kitchenaid Mixer, which I admit helped. When the hour went by, this came out:

Doesn't it look yummy? It isn't as sweet as I'd thought it would be, but there's no sugar in the recipe so it makes sense. I plan on making it again this week, and may add a bit of brown sugar to the recipe to heighten the flavor. I'll probably make several loaves to share with people and use up some of our apples. We still have probably 15 pounds after two pies, a loaf of bread and a big bag given to Bear's aunt and uncle. If my brother and T-licious decide to visit us before the wedding next weekend, I'll have to give some to them, too.

Bear and I had an awesome day yesterday, despite working the whole day and getting off to kind of a shaky start. We both woke up grumpy because we were forced to sleep in the guest bed Saturday night. Why? Because we got a ton of rain this weekend, and when it rains the roof leaks ONTO my bed (it drips down the light fixture - not a good situation). So Saturday while I was at work, Bear pulled the light out of the ceiling to avoid an electrical fire and put a bucket on the bed to catch the drips. Sunday morning we went to breakfast because we were too tired to cook and because we desperately need to get groceries. While there, we discussed what to do. The conclusion we came to is that we would have to switch bedrooms. This is not an easy task. Our bed frame alone weighs over two hundred pounds (Bear made it out of hardwood lumber). There was a huge chest of drawers we had to remove, two bed sets, etc., etc. We did it though. We worked for about six hours and got everything moved around. What is now the guest room is still a complete wreck, but we can't really put it together until the roof stops leaking anyway. Our new room looks amazing. It will take some getting used to, but so far, I like it. I'll have to take pictures to show everyone. Throughout the day, I kept expecting Bear to get frustrated (or for me to). but we maintained good humor the entire time and spent much of the day being affectionate and cuddly. I love when that happens! It made what could have been a stressful day a delightful one.

Love.

~Amalia~

Grammie Ruth's Apple Pie

Here you go, Alice, as a reward for running! And because I told you I would.

Grammie Ruth's Apple Pie

Filling:
6-8 apples (macs and cortlands work best), peeled and sliced
1/2 tsp. salt
1 cup sugar
4 Tbsp. flour
1 &1/2 tsp. lemon juice
sprinkle brown sugar
1 tsp. each cinnamon and nutmeg

Mix well and put in crust. cover with second crust. Cut slits into top crust for venting. Bake 1 hour in a 400 degree oven. If crust browns too quickly, cover loosely with foil.

Crust:
2 & 1/4 cups flour
1 cup Crisco shortening
1 tsp. salt
1 egg, beaten
cold water

Beat egg and place in a 1/2 cup. fill almost to the top with cold water. Blend into the flour/crisco mix until all is just mixed. Pull out onto floured surface and knead until almost smooth. Roll flat with rolling pin. Makes top and bottom crust.

My gram is famous for using very few directions... it took me a while to figure out how to cut each crust out. enjoy the challenge!

~Amalia~

Email me if you need help! boutrosbabe@hotmail.com

Hi

Just a short post this morning, since I will be posting my grammie's apple pie recipe for Alice laster this afternoon. I'm also going to make Apple crumble. We picked 32 pounds of apples, remember? Since Alice is a newlywed, she deserves a killer pie recipe to wow her husband with.

Maybe another time, I'll share Gram's international favorite Dog-Turd Cookie recipe.

Just don't tell her I called it that. That name isn't the one she uses with company. She is horrified by the delight I experience in calling them that. To the rest of the world, they are called no-bake cookies.

I like my name better, don't you?

~Amalia~

Morning.

I don't have anything particularly witty or entertaining today. Sorry. Life has been busy as always (is there anyone in America who thinks they have enough time for all they need to do?), but nothing major is going on. The truck is fixed, $560 later. We had to use all the money we had saved for M and T-Licious' wedding, so we are back to square one there with only two and a half weeks to go.
We went apple picking on Saturday after I got out of work, which was a good time. I baked two apple pies, but didn't manage to take a picture of either one before they were gone. One went to Bear's aunt and uncle, the other went into our bellies. Yum! We picked thirty-two pounds of apples, though, so no worries - I'll make another one. If you really kiss my ass, maybe I'll post my grammie's secret pie recipe. I even make the crust! Well, sometimes I do.
I went running on Friday and it was good, although I have lost all the stamina I once had. I was up to 43 minutes of straight running, if I remember correctly. I ran six straight minutes on Friday before I had to take a break. The cooler air sets my lungs on fire. I need to toughen up! I am planning on running again tonight, and I'm shooting for seven straight minutes of running. Friday I ran 6, walked 2, ran 5, walked 3, ran 3, walked the rest. I'm kind of ashamed of myself, actually.
I've been knitting like a madwoman lately to complete one of the four knitting projects I have to complete before Bear will allow me to buy any more yarn. I wish at times I only had one job or I could knit while driving, because it takes SO LONG to complete a single project! I always find ten projects I want to do before I ever finish the one I'm working on. I've completed ONE of the four projects so far, and am about 35% through this one. Sigh. Wish me luck! Actually, kick my ass and make me knit, won't you? I respond much better to ass kicking than ass kissing. Damn.

That's all that's going on in my world ... sorry it isn't more exciting. What's going on with you?

~Amalia~

I TOLD you there was a silver lining!

After 34 days of waiting (I said 33 yesterday, but I forgot that August has 31 days in it), I finally got my new sneakers. It is a good thing, too. Here are my old ones:

See the giant holes under my big toes? Yep. I wore these poor things OUT! It didn't help that I wear them to school and Rite Aid a lot, either. My NEW sneakers will be JUST for running. Look at how pretty they are:





What do you think?

Okay, enough.

Okay. Two days of ceaseless bitching has taken its toll. I needed to vent (I'm probably not done venting yet, actually), but tonight I'm mostly waiting for the upswing. After things suck, they get better, right? I sure could use some of that right now. My truck is being repaired by a mechanic I trust for a *much* more reasonable rate than the other place quoted me. My mechanic, Mikey, is sweet and trustworthy (if you can get past the fact that he likes to show his penis "Duke" to everyone), and is saving me quite a bit of money. I'm so grateful to him right now, he could show me Duke right now and I wouldn't even mind. I'm that thankful.
My sneakers came today - thirty-three days after I ordered them. I will be taking and posting pictures of them tomorrow. As soon as I get home tomorrow, I'm going to run. And I'm going to KEEP running. Until I feel better. Until I can't run any more. Until my head clears and I'm in a better place. Because I need to be. Because I want to be.

All I have to do is get through tomorrow. If I can make it to 3pm, I'll have made it. Made it to the weekend and made it home. I just have to get to 3pm. Wish me luck!

~Amalia~

PS Thanks to all who offered words of encouragement... it was noticed and appreciated.

Shit, Shit, Shit

I shouldn't have complained. Because as bad as yesterday was when I blogged, it got a HELL of a lot worse. Since I last blogged:

• My truck broke down. On my way to my inservice training.

• I sliced my hand open with a box cutter at Rite Aid. Kinda bad. Like, hurts every time I move it bad.
  
• This morning, after calling the garage, I find they want to charge me $500 JUST for parts to fix the damn thing!!!!!!! It just needs a fuel pump and sender. It CAN'T cost that much. Oh, and the best part? That's just the price for the PARTS. That doesn't even cover LABOR.
  

I FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING LIFE!!!!

Can you believe it happened AGAIN?

Okay, so I'm not done with the Finish Line fiasco - I'm still waiting for my shoes. Hopefully they will be at the post office today. If not, I'm going to be ripped. I am waiting for another package, though... this one from Borders. It hasn't arrived yet, either.

Grrr.

On both packages, I listed my PO box as my shipping address. NEITHER website had a problem with this, or bothered to mention that they use UPS and Fed Ex instead of the good ol' Postal Service. Crap, crap, crap. Finish Line lost my package before it could become a problem. I haven't heard from Borders yet. Why don't websites say who they ship through? I figured if it wasn't listed, it came via regular mail. MOST companies will tell you if they can't ship it to the address listed. These two? Nope. So now I have no sneakers and no book.

It's gonna be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Finish Line, Shoe Puveyor from Hell

I ordered new sneakers on August 15th. I ordered them from Finish Line, because they had free shipping and I didn't want to drive three hours South to get them from the one store in Maine that carries them (Finish Line doesn't carry them in their stores. Go figure).

I STILL do not have them!

UPS lost the package in New Jersey, a trace had to be put on the package, yada yada yada... I've been dealing with this for weeks. I'm so fucking FED UP! I just want my FUCKING SNEAKERS. I haven't run in over a month because my current sneakers are so crappy they hurt just to stand in, let alone run. I am calling Finish Line again today - if they don't give me my sneakers, they can go fuck themselves and give me my money back. I HATE them.

Assholes.


Arg!

Saw it and had to share

Does anyone else think this is freakin' HILARIOUS?

I have a person!

Do you know what I did yesterday? I spent the day with my two most favorite people - my husband and my sister. Okay, so she isn't my sister technically. But I'm closer to her than I am to most of my family, so I say she counts.
Bear and I went to Houlton where T-licious (her new nickname per her request) is living now to spend time and eat. And eat. And eat! Have I mentioned that T-licious is Italian? Homemade artichoke dip, minestrone soup, stuffed shells with tomato sauce... rich, decadent, delicious, amazing food. I'm up three pounds over yesterday. We ate, and laughed, and talked, and snuggled. We caught up on what was going on and I (at least) got my fix of the woman who has become a vital part of me. I finally understand for the first time in my life what it means to have a sister. What it's like to have someone know what you're thinking without ever having to say it. To know that no matter what comes, no matter what the world throws at me, she will be there at my back. Loving me. Because we're sisters.

Have you ever watched Grey's Anatomy? If you have, then you know that early on in season one, Christina tells Meredith that she is Christina's emergency contact. "You're my person," she says. That means something. It means that nothing is allowed to be in between the two of them - it's full disclosure, full support, full... everything. It goes beyond mere friendship. T-licious is my person. I love having a person and I love that it's her.

T-licious has two other real-life sisters who I'm sure would be unhappy if they saw this blog. to them I say, "Tough!" I am totally selfish and am keeping her for myself. They've had her for more than twenty years. I just got her. You can ask for her back in a couple of decades -
-but I'm not giving her back.

~Amalia~

Food pics (For Alice and Eileen)

Be warned - these things taste MUCH better than they look, which means they kinda look like crap. Taking photos for a cooking magazine will never be one of my jobs. Here's the Alaskan Blueberry Coffee Cake:
Obviously I need to grease the pan next time. I don't just bake, you know. I make my own trail mix, too. This one has almonds, pine nuts, chocolate chips, coconut, and organic granola:
The best snacks, however, have always been made by Little Debbie:
~Amalia~

Okay, here they are! The promised pics

Cow. Okay, so it's a moose, but it's a GIRL moose, and we call them cows. Doesn't seem very nice, does it?

Bear's birthday pile. Notice its absurdly minuscule dimensions.

My husband. Isn't he a dreamboat? I heart him. So much.

My sweet truck. His name is Burke. I heart him, too.

Yup.

Briggs doesn't just sleep WITH her brother... she sleeps ON him, too.


When he's not around, she sleeps like this. Looks like it hurts, doesn't it?


Flowers from my yard. Anyone know what they are?


Alice - I haven't forgotten you want pics of my food. I'm making the Alaskan Blueberry Coffee Cake in a few minutes, and will post pics of of it tomorrow.
Sorry, Fox, no sexy pics. There's always next time, right? ;-)

Phew!

My little gecko must be the luckiest little guy on the planet. Not only did I find him alive and well yesterday (he was pretty thirsty, but otherwise fine), but that's not his first miraculous survival.

Yesterday when I got home from school, I headed straight to the bathroom (it's a long drive, okay?). My hellcat Briggs was in there, staring very intently and unmoving at something underneath the washing machine. I knew it might be Shota, so I shushed Briggs out of the bathroom while I finished up, and then grabbed a flashlight and laid on the floor to look under there. Ever looked under your washing machine? I don't recommend it (*shudder*). No Shota. Hmm. I was about to mark it up to Briggs being crazy, then had the thought that I might as well check behind the washer while I had the flashlight handy. I stood up, leaned over and shined the light. Down there, on the floor, in the back corner, I could see... something. It might have been Shota's tail; it might have been a sliver of an old pizza crust (I told you not to look there!). I reached for a nearby mop handle to poke the thing and see if it moved, but in the second I looked away, it had disappeared. Yes! I thought. Shota is under the washer. I shut the door to keep the cats out and went to my other job, since there was no way I could move that washer by myself.
When I got home, Bear informed me that Shota was still in the bathroom but no longer under the washer - he was on the towel stand. He'd apparently given Bear a good approximation of a glare from his new perch when Bear went in there upon coming home that evening. Bear was not about to try to catch him (he's not a fan of things that crawl), but was willing to help me guide him to a container. We went in to the bathroom, located my dearest little guy, and without too much trouble got him into a temporary tub so that I could tote him safely to his regular cage. We got him in, watered, and fed him without any drama. What a relief!

Thank you for your concern, all of you - I appreciate it. I will post pictures from the weekend tomorrow, as I promised you on Friday. I took LOTS of pictures (including an absolutely adorable one of Bear).

I

Oh, Shit.

I took pictures this weekend, and was going to post them. I still will, but today I need your help:

Shota has escaped.

Shota is my crested gecko. This morning when I woke up, his spray bottle and another bottle had been knocked off the shelf next to his cage (likely perpetrator: the cats), and his cage door was wide open. Shota is nowhere to be found. I'm shitting bricks. If he's alive, he could be anywhere. If he's not... well, then I need to find his remains. I really, REALLY hope he will go back into his cage when he tires of his jaunt; I don't hold out much hope of that happening.

Poor little guy. I'm sure he's scared witless.

~Amalia~

PS The pic above isn't him, but it's what he looks like. Will you let me know if you see him? I'd really like him to come home!!

Ahh, Friday...

I love Friday. I get to wear jeans to work, I wake with the knowledge that tomorrow I get to sleep in, it's Horny Day (!), Bear gets out of work a half-hour early, and I can stay up late because I don't have to get up at 5:45am to get ready for school. Friday pretty much rocks. I have a lot of plans for this weekend. Here's what I'm doing:

1. Taking a slew of pictures to post for my blogger friends. What do you want to see?
2. Laundry. I hate it, but it's almost caught up. I need to get it done!
3. Baking. Cookies, some sort of blueberry dish (coffee cake? Crumble? Crisp? Muffins?), even a baked ham. Okay, so it's baked hamsteaks. Close enough.
4. Mowing the lawn one last time. Maybe.
5. Playing with my cats. They have been neglected lately.
6. Sex. As much as possible.
7. Sleep. Ditto.
8. Apple picking? Hint, hint, Bear!!

What are your weekend plans?

Thanks, Alice

Alice from Wandering Wonderland asked what I was looking forward to this Fall. Since I've been so down about school starting up again and hating that summer is over, I thought it would be a good exercise. Here's my list:

• Football.
  
• Apple pie.
  
• Early morning sun gilding the night's frost.
  
• Scarves.
  
• Mittens.
  
• Pumpkins.
  
• The crisp breeze that blows just enough to make fallen leaves dance wildly.
  
• My brother's wedding.
  
• Tara becoming my sister.
  
• The anticipation of the first snow.
  
• Apple picking.
  
• Wearing socks to bed.
  
• Big sweaters.
  
• Wood fires.
  
• The brilliance of autumn foliage.
  
• Early sunsets.
  
• Love.

What are you looking forward to this Fall?

Happy Birthday to You...

Today is Bear's BIRTHDAY!
Happy 25th, Baby!
I know you don't get excited about your birthday, but I do - because I love you, and I love any excuse to spoil you. Unfortunately, our financial situation makes any real spoiling out of the question, but there's always next year for those Patriots tickets, right? :0) I hope you are able to enjoy your day and accept that there are so many people who love you and who want your day to be as special to you as you are to them. You are the child that your village raised, and they are so proud of the man you have become. Let them spoil you a little bit today, too, won't you? As for me, today is the day I get to celebrate the birth of the man who has made me happier than I have any right being, who has shown me what true love is. Happy Birthday, Baby. Thanks for being here.

I love you,

~Amalia~

School

Today was my third day back to school, and the first one with actual students. It was only the handful of freshmen I have here today, but at least it was something. I have to tell you, this year has started out even worse than I anticipated.

First and most frustrating is the $820 or so of MISSING school supplies that I ordered and that were approved in the budget. Where are my things? What happened to the money for those things since I don't have those things? What is FREAKING going ON?!

We have a new principal, which is both good and bad. I think he is going to be a much stronger and upfront leader (we may actually know what is going on this year), but he has no idea what the last principal did (namely to the aforementioned supplies). I am going to cross my fingers that things go well. What else can I do?

I am being forced to pay union dues as though I were a full time teacher instead of a half time one (which I am). what was $186 taken out of my salary this year is now going to total $500. Oh, and when I mentioned that I may just drop out of the union altogether, I was "strongly encouraged" to stick with it, since my "name had come up on a couple of occasions in confidential meetings." That's code for: someone's trying to find a way to screw you, so you'd better cover your ass. Fabulous.

We have no contract right now, and probably won't until January or February. The payscale is frozen, which thanks to my increased union dues actually means I am making LESS money than I was last year. I am not surprised, but I am frustrated.

So where does all this leave me? I'm not sure. I don't know what I am going to do with my students yet. I am hoping against hope that they will be my saving grace this year - that they will be sweet enough or at least good natured enough to get me through this. If the kids are bad, too, I will have a hard time finding the strength to make it through this year.

I wish I had better news for you all. I will try to blog again tomorrow once I've had an actual day of school with all of my students. I hope it will be a good one!

You know what I think?

• I think that life isn't fair.
• And that chocolate shouldn't be fattening.
• And that no matter how hard I try, I'll never live up to my expectations.
• And romance novels are a cruel trick, because the men in them don't freaking exist!
• Even if they are hot.
• And even if I am way better in the sack than the heroines are.
• Way better.
• And that it doesn't matter how much or little sleep I get, because I will always be tired when I wake up.
• I'd make a great romance novelist.
• If I could write.
• And I could totally be discovered by a music executive if I sing in my car with the windows open, really loudly.
• and that finally, finally (!) I have fan-fucking-tastic hair.
  
• Especially right before I have to go to bed.

~Amalia~

What is it about this time of year? What is it about the end of summer and beginning of a new school year that depresses the hell out of me? Why am I so dissatisfied with everything while simultaneously unwilling to do anything about it?
Shouldn't I be excited to go back to school? No see my new students, to do what I'm good at? I'm not. I don't want to go back at all. I will, because it's my career and I chose it, but honestly, I'm just tired of it. Tired of all the bullshit and politics that go along with it. Tired of being screwed for no advantage, no purpose. Just tired.
Shouldn't I be happy that my paychecks will get bigger? That I'll be able to pay my bills more easily once I'm making what I usually do during the school year (I take a 50% paycut in the summer)? I am a bit relieved, but I can't seem to muster a whole lot of enthusiasm. There are still more bills than dollars, and no ability to pay them back.
That's it, really. I can't muster enthusiasm. It's like I'm drained. Incapable of feeling any great depth of emotion. I get irritated easily, but not for long. I get despondent often, but it doesn't last. Most of the time I just feel resigned. Like there's nothing I can do about my job, my home, my relationships. Like the summer, I feel like the best of all those things might be behind me. It sucks. But that's what I have been feeling now for weeks. Maybe things will get better after school starts. It did last year. Maybe Tara's being here will mean I am infected with her enthusiasm for life and my foul-mood funk will dissipate. Maybe my money woes will magically disappear and I will be able to have things and do things as I want.
Maybe I should just join the Border Patrol and see if that fixes anything.
Too many maybes, and I don't have the energy or desire to investigate them very far. I guess I'll just keep putting one day at a time behind me, and hope, somewhere, the sun will peek through.

~Amalia~

Race Pics

I came in 76 out of 84, and my time for the 3.1 miles was 33:10 (a personal best). I have LOADS more to work on, but it was a start.

Meditations While Running

I've been running a lot lately. Last May, when I began running, I thought I'd soon be canvassing the countryside in my sneakers, a long, lithe shadow that crossed great distances with ease. The truth is a bit less glorious: I'm up to just under 3.5 miles of running at a time, and run it in about fourty minutes. While I know have a long way to go before my reality meets up with my vision, I have improved greatly since May, and I've learned a lot. There isn't much to do while running except keep putting one foot in front of the other and enjoy what's around you. I've also found that I have a lot of time to think. About life. About my relationships. About my dreams, failings, personality quirks, disappointments, joys, and more. I thought I'd share with you what I've been pondering as I've been out running.

• My mind is the weakest of all of my organs. It wants to give up long before my body does. If it can, it will quit before I even begin. I am finding that I often sabotage myself. On the rare occasions that I don't give in to its strident demands that I stop trying, I feel amazing afterwards. Why can I not remember that before I run or eat that seventh piece of chocolate?
• The reason I run, the reason I have lost all this weight is not for my health. It's for my beauty. I have this deep-seated need to be adored. By my husband, by my friends, by strangers. I am losing my youth, and there isn't a lot I can do about it. But I can look good for my age. I can look my absolute best so that I can get the second glances and turned heads. I want people to envy my husband, to think he's a lucky bastard for coming home to me each night. I'm not there yet (I don't know if I'll ever be there), but I am getting closer.
• Nature really is beautiful. Raining, muggy, sunshiny, windy, and more, each time I go outside I see something beautiful. It seems that the only time I'm ever outside is when I'm running. I am growing to love my time outdoors. Even when it's hot.
• My cousin Holly is a runner. Has been for years. I am thinking more and more about emailing her and asking her how to improve my running, how she manages to find time in her busy schedule. It's funny becuase when she started to run, I thought she was a bit crazy. That it was way too hard, and few if any people can be successful at it. She won her last 5k for her age bracket. I'm competing in my first race tomorrow.
• When I moved to Brownville Junction a few years ago, no one new me. Then word got out that I was Bear's Girlfriend. After we were married, I was known as Bear's Wife. Then I started working at Rite Aid and became The Girl Who Works at Rite Aid. The other day I was identified as The Girl Who Runs All the Time in Brownville. I'm okay with that. More than okay.
• I don't think I will feel like I'm a *real* runner until I can routinely run five to ten miles at a time. I'm not even at four miles yet.
• I wish I had someone to run with. A man, so I don't have to compete in the looks department.
• I need new sneakers.
• Stretching, it turns out, really IS important.

I'm off to do that now.

~Amalia~

The Week in Review

Sorry it's been so long since I posted! I've been very busy settling in to my summer schedule. I will post some pics from last weekend's Bar Harbor trip and one surprise photo at the end. I hope you like it!

Bar Harbor was wonderful. It was warm and pleasant and Bear and I got quite a bit of hiking in. I've always loved the beauty of the Maine coastline, and this time was no exception. It was so hard to say goodbye to the cool ocean breezes and the gorgeous views. One trail we stopped to picnic on a giant boulder at the shoreline while we watched the tide roll in. There is something so peaceful about the ebb and flow of the ocean, about the rhythm of of the tides and days. I could spend my entire life there, quite happily. I truly hope that someday Bear and I can find our way there to live. Here's why:

And here's the surprise photo: I got new glasses! It's been about two years since I've had a pair. What do you think?

Happy Birthday to ME!

Today is my birthday. I'm 27! I can't believe it. Bear and I just returned from an amazing weekend in Bar Harbor. Pictures and stories to follow. For now? Have a great night... and happy birthday to ME!


~Amalia~

Today is

the last day of school for me. I'm officially DONE having two jobs. Well, for the next ten weeks, anyway. I couldn't be happier. Here's what's in store for the summer:

• Rework my diet to a less processed, more wholesome one.
• Go to Bar Harbor with Bear this weekend
• Hike as much as possible
• Hike Gulf Hagas
  
• Improve my running to at least three miles in thirty minutes at a time
• Run five days a week
• Run each morning before seven a.m.
• Get restful sleep
• Run in my first ever 5k race on July 19
• Spend time with friends
• Lose the rest of the weight I want
• Sculpt my body by building muscle and firming my jiggly bits
• Maintain this blog and my MCC posts
• Pay off bills
• Save money for Mark and Tara's wedding in October
• Knit
  
• Clean the house and garage
• Work 30-40 hours a week at Rite Aid

What are your plans for the summer? Anything fun? Let me know!

Ever have one of those days?

Ever have one of those days that you hate the world and everyone in it (including yourself)? That everything fucking sucks and you just want to give up/run away/kick the shit out of something until you feel better?

I'm having one of those days. I hate my life.

I hate that I have to work two jobs just to make ends meet. I hate that the reason I have to do that is because I lived off of my credit cards to support my stupid ex-boyfriend who didn't deserve that kind of sacrifice, and will never offer to pay me back. I hate that I can't get ahead, no matter what I do. I hate that people can tell how poor we are. I hate that friends have more than we do because they are smarter with their money that I am. I hate that I'm still driving my piece of shit Ford instead of my truck. I hate that I've put on three fucking pounds in a week for NO GOOD REASON. I hate that I have to go to school until Thursday. I hate that I asked my husband a question last night that pissed him off AND he still hasn't answered. I hate that him not answering makes me suspicious when I wasn't before (the question was a joke - at first). I hate that I dreamed about snooping into his private stuff because of this question that realistically I KNOW THE ANSWER TO ALREADY. I hate the guilty feeling I woke up with even though I didn't snoop and won't. I hate that I don't lead a romance-novel kind of life. I hate that I can't be picked up and carried around as though I weighed nothing. I hate that I haven't gone camping this year. I hate that I'm always worrying about money. I hate that I'm not the best at what I do (except sex, and I rarely get to prove that). I hate that I'm in such a bad mood.

I just hate.

Gee, thanks!

After reading the comments I received on my last post, I need to say thank you. Living in my body every day keeps me from seeing the results of losing twenty-one pounds. That three people said something to me about it based on that picture means that it is visible - I am noticeably smaller than I was. It really made my day! A big thank you to Eileen, Fox in Detox, and L-Unit (the anonymous commenter).

In other (scary) news, I've done something kinda big: I've signed up to run a 5k race in July! Saturday, July 19, I will be participating in the "3rd Annual Danforth's to Dysart's 5k." It will be my very first race! I'm not even up to running three miles yet. I did check with the director to make sure that I will be able to get a t-shirt. I really want a memento of my first-ever race. My Life Plan is to get a t-shirt from every race I run until I have enough to make a quilt. That's sixteen to twenty races or thereabouts. I need to have something to keep me motivated once my "training" program is over and I can run for thirty minutes at a time.

In case you didn't notice, I've added new activity and weight goals to my blog (bottom of the page). You can keep track of me there. I'll work on adding some new pics soon! After all, if you're going to keep complimenting me, I'm going to keep posting! :-D

~Amalia~

The Whole Damn Family (Miss You Mark and Tara!)

From left to right: Long-lost brother Mike, Daddy, Mom, Bear, Tara, and Me. Not Pictured: Favorite brother Mark.

Finals Week

This week is finals week for my students. I teach three classes, and each has its final either Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday morning. This morning a group of bleary-eyed kids wandered into my room and plopped resignedly, into their seats. They hate finals.
I love them.
Why? It isn't as though their finals count more than any other assessment does (I teach a standards-based class). It isn't as though they take this much more seriously than any other test of the year. No... I love finals week for another reason entirely.

It means I'm almost done.

Once that third class has staggered out my door, I don't have to look at a student again until September. Ten glorious weeks of NO KIDS. I love it. I can't wait. I NEED it. I love my job, but teenagers - well, to say they can get on your nerves is an understatement. Normally they are good kids, too... but that doesn't keep me from wishing I could choke them a time or two.

THREE MORE DAYS!

~Amalia~

I wonder...

I was in the shower last night sudsing my hair when I had a thought: would my trunk full of old clothes fit me now? It had been years since I dug in there to try on clothes I wore in high school and my first year of college. I weighed about 143 most of my time in school, and although I'm at 156 right now, perhaps something there would fit. I got out of the shower and once I was all dried off and clothed again, I ran upstairs to try.
The trunk was covered in the detritus of my closet - an old fan, a plant pot I never used, sheets and blankets. I managed to shove the stuff back so I could open a corner of the trunk and pull things out one at a time. When I was done, I had about ten pairs of pants and jeans. Awesome. I don't have any jeans that fit me right now, and even my orange pants that I just took out of storage a few months ago are getting a little loose. With barely restrained optimism, I started trying each pair on.
The first pair went on without much of a problem, although there was definite muffin-toppage. The second, third, and fourth were all too small. More muffin tops with pairs five, six and seven. Pair eight, black stretchy dress pants fit well enough, and pair nine, my favorite jeans from high school, fit. As in, could button. As in, looked better on me now than before. A little tight at the waist, perhaps, but nothing a loose shirt won't cover. GOD I missed these jeans! They aren't name brand and they aren't even women's - but they are awesome. I am so excited. Another five or so pounds from my waist, and I will have doubled my jeans wardrobe.

I can't wait.

Rooting Around

Sometimes as I'm driving, or daydreaming, or looking out the window, I spin hypothetical situations in my head. What would I do if I didn't get renewed as a teacher? Would I ever teach in another state? Is there another job I could see myself doing? If I could do anything or live anywhere, what would I do? Where would I live?
The answers to these questions are always different, even if there are some common threads. For example, I've always dreamed of being an author of romance novels. Sometimes I want to make enough money to move to Ireland where I could live in a country cottage with a spotted dog and a garden. Other times I choose to write books here in the states, in a fancy house - but the rest of the world doesn't know my real identity. Sometimes I keep a day job, but most commonly I don't. Sometimes I dream of being a professor instead of a teacher... other times I give up teaching all together.
The one thing I've learned is that I love Maine. For all of it's problems, Maine is and will always be home. If I ever move away, I know I will always come back. Maine is where my family is from. Maine is where my history has happened. I've been fortunate enough to have either lived in or visited most of the state, and I have always been able to find natural beauty and good people. Maine really is "the way life should be."

My husband has lived in the same town his entire life. He was born, raised, and lives in this town. It is as much a part of him as his family is of it. He knows every person, tree, and stone in that town and the surrounding areas. He's never lived anywhere else, although he has traveled to many other places.
Lately, my husband has expressed to me the desire to move away. To leave the life he's led and start over somewhere new. Still in Maine, but somewhere away from the place he grew up. It's a huge step for him: making the realization the he isn't as happy in his town as he used to be is a difficult one to make, and imagining creating a new life elsewhere takes a lot of courage.
There are, of course, drawbacks. The first is that he owns our house and has a secure job that pays fairly well. It is hard for him to walk away from that much security (especially after all the uncertainty he has had in his life already). Added to that is the knowledge that should he ever need anything, there is a support network around that can and will help him out. It is comforting to know that you have neighbors and friends that keep an eye out for you.
After talking to me about it (which I'm sure didn't happen until he had done hours of careful considering and thinking about his decision), we have come to a *very* tentative plan of paying off as much debt as we can for the next two years, finishing my schooling, and getting the heck outta Dodge. Where we are going to go, we aren't sure yet - we both love the coast and want to stay in Maine, but haven't thought beyond that. We have no idea what he will do for a living (I can easily get another teaching job). Bear is finally ready to make a change, a big change, in his life. I am so excited for him and for us. Whatever happens, I know Bear and I will have some grand adventures. We will test ourselves and each other and come out stronger in the end.

I can't wait to see what happens next.

So Many Words for So Few Days

Bear and I returned last night from our weekend of fun/work in Boothbay Harbor and Waldoboro, ME. My brother and his fiancé flew in from Arizona to his mother's house in Waldoboro for a weekend of wedding planning. We hadn't seen them since our own wedding last June, and couldn't wait for them to get here. Bear and I drove down Friday afternoon and checked in to the historic Moody's Diner cabins for our two-night stay. The cabin was quite cute - obviously run by older people (as witnessed by the curtains and other decor), and clean. And just what we needed. Friday night we visited with M and T (bother and fiancé), as well as the long lost brother Mike. I made my husband and M proud, because I was very polite. I even hugged him. And as T noted, I did NOT spring the numerous verbal traps that Mike walked into. We haven't really talked about anything. It wasn't the time. But everyone who knew how I felt mentioned to me how restrained I was. It was nice knowing that my effort was acknowledged.
Saturday morning, after breakfast, T and I headed to bridal shops to look for her shoes, underthings, and tiara. We found all three in Portland, where I bought my wedding dress last year. It was very successful, considering how we managed to lose Route 1 a number of times. The whole way down and back, T and I talked. And talked. And talked. We really got a chance to get to know each other for the first time. And you know what? I absolutely ADORE her. She is just like me (and I didn't think there was such a person), but even feistier. She is beautiful, articulate, and genuinely warm. I am beyond thrilled that this woman will soon be a member of my family.
Saturday night we headed to a Bob Marley comedy show after a wonderful dinner. The theater we saw him at was very small, so we got to see him up close. I swear we made eye contact a couple of times. I was a little worried he was going to say something when I got up in the middle of the show to pee, actually. That's how close we were. He didn't, thank God. After the show we went immediately to the bar. Mike was DD, which allowed me to get drunk, really drunk, for the first time in a long time. I had TWO Long Island Iced Teas (two wine coolers will do me in, so that should give you an idea). I remember everything - even telling T my ENTIRE life story and having to hold Mike's hand to run across the road to the car. I wasn't stumbling or anything (even in three inch heels!) but I wasn't about to chance it, either. I definitely remember Mike sliding down the stripper pole in the dance club (why was that thing even there, anyway?) while stone cold sober. I had to shake my head.
Sunday morning Mom and Dad showed up for breakfast. It was nice - T sat with Bear and I so that I didn't have to sit with Mike. It's not that I don't like him... it's more that he's a jackass and irritates me with his inane comments. Bear and I had checked out of Moody's, but weren't quite ready to go home, so we followed M and T to the Spruce Point Inn where the wedding will be held. M had seen it before, but T had not. The only thing she knew about it was from the pictures I sent her last fall. It was so validating when she saw the place she and M will say their vows and got choked up. She was in awe of the entire place, which made me so happy! I was thrilled that I had helped guide her to a decision she was so obviously thrilled with.
When Bear and I decided to leave, T and I hugged. I didn't want to say goodbye, knowing it will be four months before I see her again. I hugged M, too, but really?

It's T that I'll miss more.

There are other things that I'll remember from this weekend - T scaring the crap out of three grown men as she runs at M's Jeep, yelling and screaming. Making eye contact with T during Bob Marley, knowing that we were thinking the same thing. Cuddling with Bear early in the morning. Sipping coffee with Bear while waiting for the world to awaken. The stripper pole and Mike's feet in the air as he slid down. The waitress that flung our drinks at us. Getting to know this amazing woman that I will soon be lucky enough to call my sister.

Post # 250!

Two hundred and fifty posts. That's what this post is. That might not sound like a lot to most people, but it means a lot to me. It means that although I'm far from perfect, I have followed through on my commitment to myself to write my life. I've always wished I was a writer. I may not have a novel deal or make any money, but I still feel as though that's a title that applies to me. It means that two years ago, when I told myself that I needed to make a commitment to writing as often as possible, I followed through. That's a good feeling.

Could I do better? Certainly. It's been more than two years since I started blogging - I should have more than 500 posts, surely. Could I focus more on crafting stories, and less on reporting the minutiae of my life? Of course. But let's face it - that just wouldn't be me. And finding my voice through this blog is one of my proudest accomplishments.

~boutrosbabe~

That about sums it up

Blech.
That's how I feel today.
I wonder if it is the LARGE Quizno's sub I ate for dinner last night. Like the whole thing. Chicken carbonara. It was just so m m m m m... toasty! Maybe it was the fight Hubby and I got into last night. Over the truck. And chores. And ungratitude (ungratefulness?). And hypocrisy. And just - stuff. Or it could have been about the dead field mouse that my *completely* indoor cats killed overnight. I'm not sure if I'm more sorry for the mouse or for the knowledge that little creatures are in our house. If it isn't that, it could be that I have detention duty and have to work at job #2 tonight, and I don't have time to get from here to there. Another option could be that I have to talk to three students' parents today about how their children aren't going to pass my class this year and will need to go to summer school.
And if it isn't any of those things, it could be that I haven't run in almost a week, and I won't be able to until at least Friday. I haven't lifted weights, I haven't done any push-ups or sit ups, I haven't even stretched. I feel disgusting. Bloated. Stressed. Ugly. Gross.
And I'm not sure what to do about it.

Any ideas?

Ha! It's not Tuesday!

I didn't write on Tuesday per my usual custom because so much has been going on, I wanted to let the furor die down before I posted. What was going on, you ask?

• I got a new vehicle! Six months earlier than I'd anticipated, too. After this school year I will no longer be driving my 1993 Ford Escort Wagon, and will instead be driving my new-to-me 1997 GMC Sierra 1500. I only paid $1,000 for it and have no monthly payment or full-coverage insurance to worry about. I am beyond stoked. This truck is exactly what I wanted and I'm so happy to have it. I know it will more than double my fuel bill, but I'm prepared for that. I will write a "Dear John" letter to my car soon. Actually, it will be a "Dear Mildred" letter, because that's my car's name. My new truck? His name's Burke.
• I can't remember if I mentioned this or not - I have tenure! I am officially IN at school. Starting in the fall, they can no longer choose not to renew my contract without reason. This means so much more stability in my life! Not knowing where I was going to be next year was causing me a lot of stress.
  
• It is only SEVEN more days until I get to hang out with my brother Mark and his fiance. I can't WAIT! I love them so much and have missed them terribly. I haven't seen them since my wedding last June. I do selfishly wonder if they will notice that I've lost about 28 pounds since they last saw me.
  
• I am slowly but surely becoming a runner. I am going through a running program that is supposed to take me from running no minutes to running thirty minutes straight in about six weeks. I'm on week four (yesterday I ran for ten minutes straight), and so far I'm really enjoying it. I am surprised by that, but thrilled, too. It feels so much better to run than I ever thought it would! I'm only doing about 9-12 miles a week, but I'm going further each day. When I get to thirty minutes, I'll post.
  

So that's what's been going on in my world. I would like to make one brief shout-out today: ALICE, I hope your wedding is as beautiful as your dreams. I wish you all the best and hope you are able to relax and enjoy your special day. You deserve this. Congratulations.

~Amalia~

Tuesdays are becoming the only day I post, huh?

Dear Students,
It's that time of year again - yearbook time. A time when, with grinning and eager faces you plop your green book of memories in front of me and ask me to write. "Write something really good," you urge. "Something that's really, like, wow."

What do I write to you?

I'd like to tell you how beautiful I think you are. How each day you show me how mature, caring, and free-thinking you can be. I'd like to say thank you for all the times you came to someone's rescue, helped someone out, or didn't knock someone down when you wanted to, even when we both know they deserved it.

I'd like to tell you what to expect next year. If you're graduating, the world is about to swallow you whole. You won't be part of a group anymore; you're going to be on your own. And that although you may feel lonely, you will grow more in the next twelve months than you have in the last twelve years. There are so many firsts you are about to discover - your first real love, your first life-altering decisions, your first true disappointments. None of these things are easy, but they are each so worth it. If you are headed into your junior or senior year of high school, you have learning coming your way, too. You will have new and difficult classes. Classes that are all the more important because you have realized something - there's life after high school. The things you do here will affect you in your adult life. Suddenly, everything you do matters. Has consequences. I don't envy you this "oh, shit" moment, but I always enjoy the growth that comes from it.

And finally, I'd like to give you a piece of advice. There is a quote that I have used for years as a guide for how I would like to live my life. I don't always manage it, but I do try. These words have served me well as a guide and I hope they can do something similar for you:

"Expose your ideas to the dangers of controversy. Speak your mind and fear less the label of 'crackpot' than the stigma of conformity. And on issues that are important to you, stand up and be counted at any cost."

I hope you all know how much you are loved and respected. Have a wonderful summer, and I'll see you next year.

Your Favorite English Teacher,
Mrs. K

Tuesday is letter day!

Dear Ruthie,
Saturday, you gave me one of the most wonderful gifts I've ever received. A professional-grade, brand-new-to-me Kitchen-Aid mixer. I know it cost a lot of money. If not what you paid for it, then the repair bills and accessories. The shipping alone must have cost quite a bit. I hope that when you gave it to me, you could see how much this gift means to me. You didn't just give me a mixer - you made one of my dreams come true. For years I've wanted one - it was even on my wedding registry. Of course, I never got one because although they are awesome, they are also expensive. So every time I went to Bed Bath and Beyond, I'd look at the beautiful mixers and dream.
But I don't have to dream any more.
Now I have one more piece of the perfect life - you've given that to me. I've always thought that happiness was a cat and a Kitchen-Aid mixer. Now I have both and know that it's true. You have done what my parents, husband, and I have never done.
Saying "thank you" just doesn't seem adequate. How do I tell you how much this gift means? I can bake you cookies and cakes and other things made with my mixer (and I will). I can write you a letter on my blog (which I did). But showing you how my heart is filled with joy and gratitude is more difficult. I am truly touched by your thoughtfulness and generosity. I can only hope that someday there will be a day that I will be able to give you a gift like you have given me, and then you will know all the words that fill my heart that are having a difficult time making their way to paper.

With Warmest Regards,
Amalia