Putting it into Words

Yesterday while I was at grad class, Bear wrote in his blog about me (www.confesstotruth.blogspot.com). It is impossible to describe the magic his words have. He is able to elate and humble me at the same time. Here are some of the things he wrote:

• She is hysterically funny, no one has ever been able to make me laugh about her. She is just as foolish as I am and as quirky. I love her so much for her humor. Her one-liners are the best!
• She is so caring and compassionate. She takes care of me, spoils me to no end. She has done everything she possibly can to try and make my life easier and has pushed me to follow my dreams and she's done everything in her ability to make those dreams come true and I can't thank her enough for that.
• She puts in a 110% effort all the time helping with the dishes and laundry and just everything that gets done. What we have is something that most couples dont and its a true partnership and I value that.
• to me she is still that "cute girl" that I fell in love with and she still turns me on and just makes my heart flutter every time I look at her.
• She is more creative than she likes to think she is too...she can do origami, write one helluva hate poem and she has pretty neat ideas about things around the house.
• We have spent an incredible 5 months together and I still am amazed and thrilled by her everyday. I just hope she realizes how much I do love her and appreciate everything she has done for me. She made a bear happy again.
• I can't explain it, I don't want to try and explain it but I can talk to her. I can open up to her and there are no boundaries and I love it. I have never had that before and it really allows me to see how much she means to me and how awesome she is.

That's just a sampling of all the wonderful things Bear said. As I was looking at my own blog, I realized guiltily that I haven't written about what Bear does for me, or how wonderful I think he truly is. I hope to remedy that today.

Let me begin by saying that my relationship with Bear is different from any relationship I've ever had. With Bear, I'm never made to feel as though accidents are my fault. For example, we went to my school Sunday so I could do some work, but I wasn't able to open the door to get into the building. Because of my previous experiences (Stretch would have shouted that I was useless and that I had wasted his time for nothing and that I was stupid for not checking before I left school on Friday), I immediately started apologizing. I felt terrible and guilty, and wanted Bear to not be mad at me. He just looked at me and said, "Hon, stop. It's not your fault. It's okay. We can still have a good day. It's not your fault!" That took me aback, shifted my world on it's access. Bear is teaching me that not everything bad is because of me, and that its possible to be frustrated with a situation, not just with a person. I'll love him forever for showing me that.

Bear is a talented man. He writes the most incredible poetry! He really is able to paint with words. He showed me one recently that he'd written after our third date... it was amazing. He pegged perfectly that feeling of new love (and yes, lust). Every thing he does shows me more and more the depth of his soul. I'm honored that he has chosen to share it with me.

Do you remember the feeling of riding on your dad's shoulder's when you were little? That complete exhiliration of experiece, content in the absolute sureity of your own safety? That's how Bear makes me feel. When I'm with him, I know that I'm safe, that he will take care of me, protect me, and share those special experiences with me. I've never felt so secure with a man before. It's a terrific feeling.

I've always told Bear that I'm not good with words, and it's true. I'm not. So that may be why I am constantly unable to declare the breadth of my love for him. I love him not just because of how he makes me feel, but also because he's smart, funny, a lil' bit of a devil, deep, passionate, sweet, both innocent and jaded, a contradiction, hard-working ...

and hopelessly in love with me.

Bear, I know you deserve more than these paltry words, but for now, they are the best I have. I love you, more than words can express. I hope you know that.

~Amalia~

Doesn't Get Any Better

I am officially all moved in to my new place. I'm in a Bear's den, complete with a giant, warm, fuzzy bear to keep me warm. My things aren't all where they need to be (much of my stuff is in the garage), but at least they are all in one place. Bear and I busted our butts last week to get everything moved. I really owe him for all of the extra work he's done. Actually, I owe him for all he's done, including welcoming me into his home and rearranging things to fit me in. We got the kitchen organized, as well as the bathroom. The other rooms are pretty much a mess. The weather is turning nice, and Bear is building me a raised bed garden for me to plant flowers and vegetables. I can't wait to play in the dirt!
We are trying to clean things up and get them put together as we go, working around our busy shcedules and all the other things we have to do. I've raked part of the lawn (more still to be done), and together we picked up the trash and crap that was around the house. I discovered some tulips out back and uncovered them. We will be planting sunflowers, columbine, impatiens, chives, basil, lavender, carrots, tomatos, green peppers, daisies, gladiolus, and of course, stargazer lillies. I need to find some more low plants like alyssum to put in the front of the box, as I'm trying to create a cascade effect.

Life with Bear is pretty much perfect.

I saw my parents Saturday at the Bangor Flower Show. Bear and I met them there, and we all had lunch later. We all get along so great - I love it. Bear has said that he likes my parents. I'm glad, expecially since he doesn't have any. I hope that once we're married, he will be able to look at them as surrogate parents. For the first time in my life, I'm not sad to see that happen.

That's all I have for now, I guess. With no negative drama to dish about, I'm afraid life isn't that interesting to read. But I'm not complaining. Far from it. I'll take boring and blissful over dramatic and dreadful any day.

~Amalia~

Crazy in Love

Have you ever had the feeling that you were going to explode, you love someone so much? That you are going to burst at the seems, that you swallowed the sun, so that your face actually hurts because you're smiling so much?
I never had, until yesterday.
We weren't even doing anything special. Bear and I had made dinner (steak - it was amazing), and had just settled down to watch a movie. He was sitting with his legs on the couch, and I was reclining between them on my stomach, my head on his chest. While we watched "I am Sam," Bear gently pulled my elastic out of my hair and stroked my hair while massaging my scalp. I don't even think he was conscious of what he was doing. I think it just came natural to him. I laid there and slowly this feeling crept up on me, becoming larger and larger each second. a smile broke out on my face and I just felt like shouting, "I LOVE YOU!"

So I did.

He just smiled and looked at me, and asked, "Now, what brought that on?" I couldn't find an appropriate response. I just shrugged, grinned some more, and kissed him. What else was I supposed to do? It seemed like the cosmos lined up in that moment to cast a beam of love directly into my brain. I don't know if I've ever experienced emotion as deep and all-encompasing like that before. It's hard to explain. I have always known that I love him, but this seemed stronger, bigger, like a tsunami in a kiddie pool.

I am SO in love with him, it's crazy.

Movin' on Up...

I've started moving in to Bear's den. I hate moving - the stress of your things beng spread out over two locations, of finding the perfect home for your things, etc. all really get me down. However, I know this is what I want. I know it all the way to my marrow. No one has ever accepted me and loved me just for me like Bear does. I've come to the realization that I live much of my life seeking others' approval. My parents, because I'm not the favorite child, my students, because I'm not their favorite teacher, even strangers, because I want them to think well of me (even when I know I will NEVER see them again). For the first time ever, me just being me is enough. I don't have to feel bad that I am susceptible to tv advertising, that I have to put honey mustard on everything I eat, that I pick my nose in the bathroom. To Bear, I am perfect.
And that feels really good.
Speaking of Bear, he is doing well. He's stressed out about the move, too, but mostly because it is exhausting work and it never seems to end. This weekend we are taking a couch, a chair, and a tv stand from upstairs to the dump, and moving in the last bits of my furniture. We got my box spring up the stairs, but had to cut out the bannister, as well as sections of the wall and three stairs. It was, to put it mildly, a clusterfuck. But it's up there, and we have put the bed to good use since getting it set up. ;)
In other news, I should be hearing soon about Maine Writing Project, and if I am going to get it. If I do, I am on track to get my master's degree next summer!! How exciting is that?? Wish me luck! :D

~Amalia~

Vacation

This week I'm on February vacation - yippee! I'm excited about having the time off. So far I have gone to a basketball tournament, painted a livingroom (including trimwork) and played Burnout 3 on my PS2. I haven't done any homework yet, but that's tonight's job (and tomorrow's, too). I'm hoping that I can have all my grading and assessments done by the end of vacation. I have a lot of grad school homework to do, too. I'm starting to wonder if I will get it all done. I have to convince myself that I will - hopefully create a reality.

In other news, I heard from a friend back home that my ex got married this past summer. I'm not upset (if you met him, you'd see why), but I am a little bothered that he is winning the war of success. He's supposed to be a miserable failure forever, right? I guess not.
I talked to my other ex, Stretch, today. He wants his laser level and hammer back, as well as some old photos. I told him I'd drop them by in exchange for my bike. I also dropped the bombshell that I'm moving in with Bear. He handled it pretty much like I thought he would... he said he'd "expected it sooner or later" and that I obviously do things differently than he does (whatever that means). I honestly don't even care anymore. I can't allow him to make me feel bad/guilty about leaving him, especially when I know I did what was best for me. If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have met Bear, and I wouldn't be as happy as I am now.

And after all, isn't that the only thing that matters?

~Amalia~

Hump Day

Yesterday (Wednesday) was a perfect night. It seems odd to think of a Wednesday in favorable terms, as usually I am just dragging along, waiting for the weekend to get here. Yesterday, however, was fabulous. I got home from school at 3:30, and drove straight to Bear's house. I got there just a few minutes before he did. I'd been reading a romance novel earlier that day, and was in an... amorous... mood (this kind of sucks for me, as I'm out of commission for the next several days). When Bear got home, I basically tackled him. We kissed for several minutes, then had to stop so we could clean out his car. What a mess! His car was a disaster area. It took about a half hour, but we got it all cleaned and even had room for the dog to come with us to the grocery store. The store was about to close, so we had to hurry, but I had to stop him in every aisle and kiss him passionately. I don't think he stopped grinning once. We ordered pizza for dinner, ate it, made out some more, and then got to work spackling the wood paneling in his livingroom (we are painting it this weeked). What a blast! It sounds corny, but I love living the Trading Spaces lifestyle. After that I read more romance novel while he played Mortal Kombat. Again, we took plenty of opportunities to mess around. Bear just kept saying that he'd missed this aspect of my personality, and was super glad to see it's recurrence. I think I've just felt too sick and run down lately to be able to be that way.
When we finally showered and went to bed, Bear was in a fever of want for me (which is naturally what I wanted). We were obviously limited in what we could do, but let's just say he was thrilled and exhausted when we finally went to sleep. :)
This morning all he could say was "wow" and "thank you." It felt good to be fully me, again, to be able to surprise, please and delight my Bear. Hopefully this will last until I''m back IN commision again, and I can enjoy myself as much as Bear enjoys me. ;)

One Quick Vent

Valentine's Day. What's the big deal?!?

Maybe it's because I haven't been single on Feb. 14th since I was 13 years old, or maybe it's because I'm not a big fan of roses. Whatever the reason, I can't stand Valentine's Day! The cheezy Hallmark commercials (they are supposed to make you cry?!? Yeah right!), the ugly stuffed bears that were manufactured by children in third world countries... the endless pressure put on people to "show someone you care." Call me crazy, but it seems to me that telling someone to be romantic kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? It's kind of like when someone burps or farts, and you say, "excuse you" to remind him or her to say, "excuse me." When he or she finally say it, it doesn't really count, does it?

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about getting chocolate and flowers (Gebera daisies are lovely, and seeing some daffodils this time of year would really perk me up). Nothing says love like a pound of Hershey's Special Dark. My complaint is that I want the gift and the sentiment behind it to be genuine. Valientine's Day is artificial... something put on the calendar by companies looking to guilt men into spending money. Where's the love in that?

This Valentine's Day, I asked Bear not to get me anything. I hope he listens! I refuse to celebrate an artificial holiday. V-Day is Tuesday. He's welcome to get me a small token of his undying love and devotion on Wednesday, though.... :)

~Amalia~

Built like a ... tanka?

I have this poetry class that I'm teaching this semester, which is kind of a joke since I've never written poetry and I don't know a lot about it. I told my students at the beginning of the semester that I would write poems along with them, so that I did everything I asked them to do. We worked on tankas today. Tankas use sensory details to create an image with a mood. So I did three of them. I am posting them below, but I make no guarantees about the quality (in fact, I think they're pretty awful... but in my defense, they ARE just first drafts).

Confession
In the stove's soft light
I'm leaning on the counter
Your serious eyes
watch me as you drop words, love
Into the pond of my heart.

Bear's Hug
I reach the driveway
Bear charges out of the house.
Phone tossed in snowbank,
Forgotten, as I'm scooped up
into my Bear's hug.

Strong arms embracing
Perfumed cloud of love surrounds.
Smells like sawdust, sweat,
and man. Caught up in his kiss
I know this was the best surprise.


The last line there is really weak, I am aware of that. Any suggestions?

In other arenas, my life is going well. I'm getting over my sinus infection, the sun's been out two whole days in a row, and I have the love of a man that makes my heart sing. How could life get any sweeter?

~Amalia~

Gosh, it's been a while since I posted... I ought to get cracking.

As far as my love life goes, Bear and I are getting closer every day. Plans for the future are sprouting up everywhere, like a patch of wild daisies. If things continue as they are going, I should be moved in by the end of March. I know I haven't gone very long since living with the last boy in my life, but everthing about Bear and our relationship is different. With Bear I feel like a true partner, like we are both in this an euqal percent. He listens to me without judging me, encourages me to be a better person without making me feel bad, and loves me totally and completely, without reservation.

Work is stressful right now, as I'm still behind in all aspects of my work - grading, planning, assessing, and more grading. The kids are pretty understanding, but I've got to get cracking.

Grad school is also incredibly stressful, as there is SO much work to be done every day! It seems like I never have any time to myself; grad homework is always looming somewhere.

My aunt is coming over tonight to stay, which is awesome, as she's my favorite aunt. I'm making lasagna and salad and no bake cookies. I'm hoping to butter her up so that Paul and I can visit her farm the first weekend of February vacation. With all this work piling up, I need to get away.

That's all for now - leave me a post, won't you?

~Amalia~

Reasons why he loves me

Bear truly has a way with words. I think he's got a future with Hallmark. Seriously! Know how I know? Because twice now he has given me lists of reasons why he loves me. They won't mean as much to you as they do to us (there are some in-jokes in there), but look at how wonderful they are:

List #1
I love you for your smile (you know the one)
I love you for your gorgeous eyes
I love you for your laughter
I love you for your snort
I love you for your belching
I love you for your intelligence
I love you for every single kiss that you have given me (yes even the closed mouth ones)
I love you for your wit
I love you for your humor
I love you for your dark sometimes curly sometimes straight sometimes poofy hair
I love you for your confidence not only in yourself but the confidence you have put in me as well
I love you for your taste in music
I love you for tickling me
I love you for your taste in movies
I love you for your weaknesses
I love you for your strengths
I love you for your compassion
I love you for teasing me and giving me just enough of what I need to drive me insane
I love you for trying to take care of me
I love you for wanting to see me make something of myself
I love you for always surprising me
I love you for spoiling me
I love you for the way that you get so hot by turning me on
I love you for your sympathies even if I don't think I need them (sometimes I do)
I love you for your creativity
I love you for for loving to play video games
I love you for hating George Bush
I love you for the crazy passionate sex we have
I love you for your love of chocolate
I love you for the way you caress me
I love you for the way you always want me around
I love you for that night you pullled me back to you in the bar
I love you for knowing how to drive a standard
I love you for telling me that you absofuckinglutely love me
I love you for you

List #2
I love you for being left handed
I love you for your articulation
I love you for your sweet ass
I love you for thirst for knowledge
I love you for your belly laugh
I love you for your cooking (yes hun, it really is good)
I love you for beating the lava pits
I love you for always telling me how cute I am
I love you for your poof trick
I love you for telling me to live my dreams (and really meaning it)
I love you for your confessions
I love you for how you always make me feel safe
I love you for your still dark sometimes curly sometimes straight sometimes poofy hair
I love you for knowing what you want in life
I love you for confiding in me
I love you for the distractions
I love you for always wanting to talk to me
I love you for your long legs
I love you for your perfectly normal big toes
I love you for your undying support when I was ready to pull my hair out at a useless no good piece of shit fucking mechanical minotaur.
I love you for surprising me at work that day
I love you even more everytime you show up at work and help me
I love you for being ticklish even though I have to use my beard
I love you for always smiling when I need you too
I love you for loving me
I love you for bringing the Bear back in me
I love you even more for bringing the man back.
I love you for the rabbit
I love you for your enormously huge bed
I love you for knowing how to play the flute
I love you for your willingness to admit that you don't know everything (what a woman!)
I love you for everytime you wrap you arms around me
I love you for your twitching eyelid
I love you for saying "Yes"
I love you for every single moment that we have ever spent together
And I love you even more for every single moment that we have coming to us in our long future together.


See what I mean? He's perfect. Absolutely perfect. I'm not sure how to respond in an equally wonderful way. Words aren't my strongest subject. Hopefully, though, someday I will be able to tell him (or show him) how fabulous I think he is, and he will feel the same gratitude and wonder at my words that I do at his. Until then, I will continue to blog my feelings for him, hoping for a diamond in the lumps of coal that is most of my writing.

Hibernating

Bears hibernate in the winter. They sleep all winter long, living off of their fat reserves until the spring, when they emerge from their cozy dens thin, hungry, and ready to live life again. Problems can occur, however, if winter takes a break. If it warms up too soon, even for a brief time, bears can become confused, and emerge from hibernation early. They leave their dens to a scene not ready for them (surprise, it may be warm but it's still winter!).

That's what's happening right now. The last several days have been very warm. It almost got to fifty degrees yesterday! For January in Maine, that is very unusual. No one here knows what to do. Traditionally, it is April before we see weather like this. When April gets here, so does spring fever. People set out thier grills and sharpen their mower blades, put away the winter coats and enjoy the feel of warm sun on their faces. Only its January - too soon for those things! Today it rained and was fourty degrees... tomorrow its supposed to snow and be in the twenties. My body is confused! So is Bear's. We both have bad cases of spring fever and there's another THREE MONTHS of winter left! Is it too late to crawl back into the den? How do we wait out the crappy weather to come? Grrr.

I am in the process of making an improvement to the den, at least. I bought a queen size mattress, box spring, and frame today for the bargain value of $770. They are delivering it Monday. I can't wait. In a few months when I move my things into Bear's den it will come with me. It will be SO nice to sleep on a big mattress again!! I really miss it. I will take a picture and post it once I get it home and the sheets put on it.

So Where are We Now?

After Bear and I confessed our love for each other and became "official," we found ourselves motoring down the expressway of love. Things moved fast, and I mean fast. At one point when we had just started dating, I promised that if he and I were both unmarried eight years from now, I would marry him. His brother, after getting to know me, jokingly told Bear it should be eight weeks instead of eight years. I think Bear's brother will be closer in time to the actual event than we were.
You see, Bear (as I mentioned in a previous blog) is a one-woman man. He fell in love with me, and as he did so, he came to the conclusion that I am the woman he wants to be with for the rest of his life. No ifs, ands, or butts... and he is 100% sure of this. So naturally, once we were officially dating, it was a short drive to the destination of marriage. Translation: Bear said he'd like to marry me - sooner rather than later. When he first broached the subject, I had to ponder the irony of my situation. I had just ended a five year relationship where the guy wouldn't propose, and here Bear was proposing after only five weeks. Ironic, don't you agree? Anyway, at first I was a little freaked out, I have to admit. I started thinking, if he's so sure, shouldn't I be the one to look at the other angle? And, can I really have found the guy I will be with for the rest of my life only a MONTH after leaving my last boyfriend?? But Bear, in his perfect way, relieved me of my fears. He was unfailingly supportive and loving, even when he could tell I was drawing back. He really is one of the"good guys" that you always hear people wishing for.
As time flew by, I became more and more accustomed to the idea of us being together for the rest of our lives. Soon after that, I wasn't just accustomed to it... I was looking forward to it. The more I fell in love with my Bear, the less I could imagine a life without him in it. Yes, things have happened fast - no one knows that more than I do. But I really feel like we have a true partnership and that we have a great shot at making this work.
So when Bear asked me one night what I would say if he proposed, I answered truthfully - he'd have to ask to find out. ;)
Christmas day he did just that. He made me a slide show that had me crying in the first thirty seconds, and at the end, he slipped a braided silver band on my finger, and asked, "Will you marry me?"
What was a girl to do? I said yes, of course!
Bear explained that he couldn't afford the real diamond ring, and that the braided silver ring was a place holder. I don't think it could have been more perfect.

We went to Day's jewelers last weekend - more on that next time!

A gift close to my heart

As I mentioned in my last post, Bear didn't just confess his love to me that night. He had a lot to say that evening, and one of the things he said was that I had brought something inside of him back to life. I tried to convince him that I hadn't done anything special, but he was adamant. I shrugged and said, "You're wecome?" I didn't know what else to say. He looked at me for a moment (and kissed me some more... we do a LOT of that), then he went into the living room. When I asked him what he was doing, he came back out with something clutched in his hands.
He said that I didn't just bring him back to life. His nick name growing up had always been Bear - big, grumpy, fiercely protective. He said that since his mom died, he hadn't felt that the name applied to him. Since meeting me, the Bear in him was back - and it was all my doing. He opened his hand. In it was a pewter bear charm on a silver chain. "My mom gave me this charm, and I'm giving it to you - because you brought back the Bear in me."

HOW SWEET IS THAT?!

I wear the necklace every day now, under my shirt and against my skin. It makes me think of him throughout the day. I feel both empowered and humbled by what the bear charm symbolizes. Empowered because I was the girl to do something that no other girl was able to, and humbled by the fact that I had such an affect on someone in so short a time.

But then, much of our relationship has happened fast. When he told me he loved me, he also told me that he knows that I am the girl for him - period. That he is mine forever, and he will want to be with me forever. I was a little disbelieving at first (how can you know that after only five weeks?), but I am beginning to realize that Bear is exactly what he seems to be - a one-woman man who loves totally and completely. He really means it when he says that I am the woman he will love for the rest of his life.

That was probably why we started talking marraige a couple of days later.


(More on that next time!)

Confessions

In my last post I told about how Bear and I met. Today's post is how I fell in love with him.

Once we started dating, Bear and I spent a lot of time together. School nights, weekends, all kinds of time. He slept over here first, sort of accidentally. See, I fell asleep on him one night on the couch while we were talking, and he felt so comfortable and was so tired himself, that he passed out. He barely even moved when I eventually got up around elevenish and put a blanket on him and went to bed myself. The next morning he said that it felt like something inside of him had let go, had let him truly relax for the first time in a really long time (years, even). I felt bad that he had to go to work in the same clothes that he had come down in, but he didn't mind at all. I was glad that he was able to sleep on my couch, because I wouldn't have been able to.
It took about a month before I slept over at his house. I had never been to Brownville Junction before, and wanted to wait before I went 50 miles out of the way for an overnight trip. I didn't want to be in a situation where I felt like I couldn't leave if I wanted to. In the month leading up to my visit to his place, Bear and I spent countless hours together in Bangor - some out on the town, others cuddled up in my apartment. Things between us were getting pretty hot and heavy, but we hadn't done the deed yet for two reasons. One: he had never had to wait for sex... women always put out on the first or second date - I felt that I needed to differentiate myself from them. Two: I anjoy the anticipation that leads up to sex. I enjoy the steamy make-out sessions that leave you aching with need. I think the build-up is the best part. Well, one of them, anyway. In the mean time, I was learning what Bear likes, and he was learning what I like. He has the uncanny ability to turn me on at the flip of a switch.
I had decided (unbeknownst to him) that when I stayed with him in Junction, I would lift the restriction on doing the deed. I was ready, I trusted him, and since he owns his own house I had the added bonus of being able to be as loud as I wanted. It was terrific, and totally worth the wait. I don't remember exactly how many times we had sex that weekend, but it was a lot and it was awesome. He is a very considerate lover, and his size ended up being an advantage - he's strong enough to toss me around and move me into a number of different positions.
The next week I had to spend a day away from him (Thursday), as I had promised the ex I would help him flea bathe our dog. By the time I got home from school, I was simply too exhausted and called my ex to tell him that. Well the ex pitched a fit and royally pissed me off (how DARE he imply that I don't work hard?!?! HE hasn't worked in FOUR YEARS!). I decided that I wanted to see Bear - he always makes me feel better about myself, and after that phone conversation, I needed it. I packed some stuff for the next day and headed to his house.
There was no way to warn Bear that I was coming, as he didn't have a cell phone at that time. I just prayed that he wouldn't get the idea to surprise me in Bangor that night. ;) He called my cell just as I drove into Junction. He asked what I was doing, and I said, "I'm dropping off a movie at Blockbuster.... talk to me while I drive?" He agreed. Jsut as I pulled on to his road, he said, "Hon, you're breaking up.. I can hardly hear you."
"Well do me a favor and look outside your front door," I replied.
"What?"
"Look out your door!" I repeated, giggling at the success of my surprise.
"Oh, my God, Hon... you didn't!" As I parked the car and got out, Bear came barrelling out of his house, tossed the phone over his shoulder ( I think it landed in the snow bank), and scooped me up into the biggest bear hug ever. For several minutes, all he could do was say, "I can't believe you're here" and "It's so good to see you" and "what an awesome surprise," while hugging me and kissing my face. I was overjoyed that I had indeed surprised him. I'm not very good at surprises.
Eventually, we got back into the house. We stood in his kitchen, leaning on his kitchen counter, talking. It was that night that he confessed that he had fallen in love with me. Admitting that was a big risk, considering I had once told him that if he fell in love with me, I would stop hanging out with him. I didn't do that, though... see, I'd fallen in love with him, too... seeing how happy he was to see me that very night sent my heart into a complete and utter tailspin. So as he confessed himself to me, I found myself doing the same - giving him the words of love I'd sworn off saying for the forseeable future. Thing was, my future turned out to be him.
Bear also gave me a gift that night. More on that next time (this blog is too long already!)

How I Met a Bear

On November 17 of 2005 I met a bear. Contrary to what you might think, it wasn't scary at all. Actually, it was kind of nice. I'm not talking about your average grizzly or black bear - this bear, while being a little furry, is in truth a man - and this bear of a man is in total and complete love with me (and I am with him). This first post is the story of our meeting, and the purpose of this blog is to catalog the triumphs (and trials) of our relationship.
Bear first contacted me on myspace.com (my profile name is boutrosbabe) in the beginning of November. He sent me a message telling me what his name was and that he hoped to hear from me some time. I pondered his message for almost a week before responding. He was two years younger than me, and listed his musical interests as hard rock/metal, although he did say he'd listen to anything. He was wearing a hoddie and a backwards cap in his picture, but he had an adorable face and I figured, why the hell not? Yes, he looks different from your usual type, but would that be such a bad thing? So I messaged him back. We talked on Yahoo IM later that week. He was pretty funny and was easy to talk to. He wanted to meet pretty soon after talking to me, but I wanted to talk over the phone first. He was very obliging and it wasn't long before we had a date - November 17 at 99 Restaurant in Bangor.
I was nervous, a little. Bear says he wasn't, and I believe him. He's had a remarkable amount of confidence and assurance about us from day one. When I got there, he was already there. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world to hug him hello. He was a bit bigger than I had anticipated from his pictures, but it didn't seem to matter to me (which was news to me, as I have only ever dated really skinny men). As our date began, I learned that Bear was not only as funny in person as online and over the phone, but he also has the uncanny ability to make me blush. Furiously. He has no shame or embarassment, and is NOT afraid to act foolish in public.
To say the first date went well would be an understatement. It wasn't perfect (I spent much of it in fear that my ex-boyfriend would happen on scene and cause drama... thankfully that didn't happen), but it was good. At the end of the night, we were saying goodbye, and the standard awkwardness of a kiss was present. I knew that I wanted to kiss him, but wasn't sure how to go about doing it. Eventually I asked for a hug, and when I pulled back, I kissed him. Or rather, our lips met half way. He kissed me in a very different manner than my ex did, which was as nice as it was strange. When I pulled back, I asked him if he was going to tell the guys at his work about his date. He kind of shrugged his shoulders. I said, "Are you the type to kiss and tell?" He thought about it, shrugged again, and said, "Nope." I smiled, said, "Good." And totally leaned up and kissed him again. Longer, this time with a little tongue (!). It was hot. He has perfect lips. I was channeling my inner Samantha (from Sex in the City) that night for sure.
He must have liked it, because he wanted a second date. Couldn't wait to see me, in fact. I went through a lot of wishy-washiness about it, because while I knew that he was fabulous, I knew that I wanted to stay single for a long time, too. I had "wild oats" to sow and all that.
But then one night Bear changed my mind and my life with a gift and a confession. More on that next time - stay tuned!