TGIF - a day early

I don't have to work tomorrow because it is Veteran's Day (observed). Hooray! I couldn't be more excited to have a short workweek. School has been crazy lately as I'm proctoring a computerized test that all English students must take. Scheduling is a nightmare, plus I must factor in absent students, times for students who don't finish to finish, all on top of teaching four classes. My stress level has been very high this week.

On a positive note, my mother, aunt and I are going to the annual Livermore Craft Fair. It is a huge event comprising crafts in not one but THREE separate buildings. My mother is a die-hard shopper, so much of the day is spent trying to keep up with her. The rest of the time I spend trying to find her after she's scampered off somewhere. She is only 5'0", so I lose her behind tall shelves all the time. The craft fair is really quite lovely, though, with handmade windchimes, knitted and crocheted goods, quilts, and best of all - FOOD! Jellys, fudge, cakes, cookies, you name it, they've got it. I think that's why I'm such a fan of the fair. The only down side to the craft fair is how crowded it gets about mid-morning. It is so packed in some of the buildings you can't get from one side of the path to the other. If you want to see a booth on the other side, you have to go all the way to the end of the room and then switch directions. Old ladies get really pissed if you try to pull a U-turn in the middle of the aisle.

Bear and I are doing well (as always). While I'm at the craft fair, he will be out deer hunting with my father. It should be an interesting situation. Luckily my dad thinks Bear is the greatest thing since sliced bread. It must be a family thing, because I do, too. ;)

~Amalia~

To Have Children, or Not to Have Children

I've been putting off this post because I want to be articulate, and for that to happen ideas need to percolate for days or even weeks. I first thought about blogging on this topic three weeks ago, so perhaps I'm finally ready.

My entire life I have known that I don't want children. It may seem illogical that a teacher has no desire for her own children, but it's true. I have had not one maternal feeling in my 25 (& a half) years. Do I enjoy children? Absolutely. My family produces some beautiful and brilliant chilren, all of whom are terrific. I wouldn't trade any of my cousins, nieces and nephews for any amount of money. That being said, I don't feel the need or urge to add to my family's already substantial numbers.

So if I like kids enough to work with them every day, why not want some of my own? Well, that's kind of hard to explain. If you know me at all, you know that I adore being the center of attention. I don't have stage fright, I have no problems speaking up, and I can't get enough of "all eyes on me." That is one of the reasons I'm a teacher. Having a child means one can't be selfish like that any more. Suddenly it's not all about you, and won't be ever again. That sucks. I believe that I would grow to resent the person responsible for shifting all of that attention away from me - my child. Eek! That wouldn't be pretty.

Further, I love my life just the way it is. Granted, I'm too busy (who isn't?), but I can travel when I want, stay out late if I'd like to, even drive a pickup truck or sports car if I want to. I can walk around my house in only my underwear, leave sharp knitting needles on the coffee table, even have cold pizza and Pepsi for breakfast. Is there anything else in life greater than that? Maybe, but I doubt it. The point is, I love the freedom I have. I grew up in a pretty strict household so it took me years to give myself permission to live my life the way I want to. A child would change all that.

Deciding not to have children is not a decision I make lightly. Both Bear and I are the last members of our family; our lines will die out with us. He and I have discussed my no-children policy. He says he is fine with it and I believe him, but I also know that problems may arise down the road. The urge to procreate is one of the oldest imperatives of human nature, after all. So what will we do then? I don't know to be honest, but I can tell you the answer isn't 'have children.'
What bugs me about my decision even more than potentially causing conflict in my relationship is that other people are SO convinced that things will change. I can't tell you the number of times I've told someone of my choice only to be told, "You wait. Once you're older and your clock starts ticking, you'll change your mind." ARGH! STOP PRETENDING YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN I KNOW MYSELF!!! I realize I'm still young. I realize that I'm not married yet. I also realize that I am a confident, college educated woman who knows her mind and isn't at the mercy of some out-dated evolutionary impulse. Why won't people just accept my decision? My parents bug me every time I see them, "When are you going to give us some grandbabies?" "Pregnant yet?" "You know, if you hurry, you could have a baby before you're married and still get back into your dress!" "We are only asking for one. You have to give us one, then you can be done." SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! They mentioned me having babies in front of Bear the FIRST time I brought him home! Can you imagine how mortified I was?

I guess in the end, I'm asking for a little understanding. I'm not wrong, I'm not unAmerican or inHuman just because I don't want a baby. I'm just like everyone else. I don't question your desire to have children, so what gives you the right to question my desire not to?

~Amalia~

PS My students are working on a relationship unit, and when I mentioned to them that I didn't want kids, they all said it was "sad" and "weird." They actually pitied me because I choose to remain childless! WHY is this such a difficult concept for people to understand?

Tying it Together

In my English class, my students are starting a new unit. I use it to expose students to various nonfiction texts as well as the research process. The unit is called, "What makes a good relationship?" None of us have the answer to this question completely, so it is interesting to hear what everyone thinks. I start the unit with a ranking sheet. I give them four examples of relationships and they tell me which is the best and worst and why. I'm giving you the same assignment. You'll notice in the top left corner of my blog is a poll. Please read the vignettes below and vote on who you think has the best relationship. If you'd like, you may also post a comment stating why you feel the way you do. I'm interested to see the results. Happy voting!

~Amalia~

Relationship Ranking Sheet

A. Ross is so in love that he wasn't eaten, slept, or worked in days, and he couldn't be happier. And it is all because of Judy. Ross met Judy at a party two nights ago. Ross almost didn't go; he only went after his best friend dragged him there, saying that it was time for Ross to get over his last girlfriend, Rina. Boy, did he ever! Rina was only a dim memory once Ross saw Judy. She was standing quietly across the room, the lamplight caressing her face, making her look angelic, etheral. Nearly in a trance, Ross worked his way across the room to her. The two started talking, and very rapidly the two developed strong feelings for each other. They have to keep their relationship a secret for now, because Judy's family would object to her dating a kid from "the wrong side of the tracks." Ross spends his days thinking about her, dreaming of her beauty, and devising ways for them to be together. If he thought they couldn't be together, it would kill him. He needs to have her, to hold her, forever.


B. Samantha is in love. So what if Mike isn't the man her parents would have picked for her, if they were still alive? So he doesn't come from old money, have fancy cars and fot yahting every summer. He is a good man who treats her like a woman. He doesn't mince words; he tells her just what he likes (and what he doesn't) and tells her often how lucky she is to have a man who has a steady job and his own place. She didn't tell him that her family was once wealthy. After all, what good would it have done? The money is all gone, and they do alright on their own. However, occasionally Samantha does remember her childhood, and wistfully recalls the freedom that money can bring. If they had more money, maybe Mike would spend less time out bowling and playing poker with his friends and more time home with her. Maybe then he would rediscover the things that made him fall in love with her in the first place - her laughter, how hard she has tried to become an efficient housewife, and the grace and beauty in her character.

C. Alex is a self-labeled genius. After months of research and experiement, he has discovered a chemical that enhances the emotion centers of a woman's brain. Specifically, the emotions of romance, longing, and love are affected. Alex has done what no man has done before - he has developed a way to make women fall in love with him. He knows just who to use it on, too. Alex has been in love with Heidi since the third grade. He knows what she does for fun, what she wants to do with her life, even what her favorite desserts are. Once Heidi loves him as much as he loves her, he knows that they will have the perfect relarionship. Each of them will be madly in love with the other, and they will live hapily ever after. There will be no messy break-ups, no drawn- out arguments, just love and caring for the rest of their lives. As he puts on his coat to go meet her, he can hardly contain his excitement.

D. Doris and Boris are very much in love. They have been together since middle school, and both are in their thirties now. They have many of the same interests; books, theater and art. They know each other so well they can finish each others' sentences. Their relationship even survived a terrible accident Boris had that left him a paraplegic two years ago. He is bound to his wheelchair now and can feel nothing from his waist down. Boris tried to get Doris to leave him after that, saying he didn't want to tie her down. After all, they could never have children now, which was something Doris really wanted. However Doris stayed with him, insisting that as long as she had him she was the luckiest woman alive and she believed it (and still does). Boris was relieved and thankful that he had such a wonderful wife. He has noticed, though, that every once in a while, Doris will come home late from work, often distracted and quiet. at first Boris though tshe was coming down with something, but she appears to be healthy. On these infrequent days (it happens every other month or so), Doris comes home and showers, then spends the rest of the evening spending quality time with her husband. These evenings are some of the best the two have shared. Boris has nagging suspicions about Doris' activities, but he has decided not to say anything. He knows he is lucky to have her, and it is obvious to him that she loves him. He tells himself that is enough.

There you have it. Which relationship is the best? Which is the worst? Why?

Speaking of Christmas...

I am working on a number of sewing/knitting projects for people for Christmas this year. I have a new sewing machine that sounds like a jet engine and is just as fast. Just tonight I completed a gift for my brother and sister-in-law. STart to finish in just one evening! Of course, the mitten I am knitting my father is about two inches too big and will have to be begun again. *sigh*.

I thought you'd like to see one more picture of Bear and I, so I posted it, even though it has nothing to do with gifts or Christmas. Do you think I should make it my default picture?

~Amalia~

Some Pictures for You

Happy Halloween! Err... Happy BELATED Halloween!

Zeddicus (Zedd), the best cat on the planet! Admit it, he melts your heart, doesn't he?

I can't tell who's hornier...

Bear and I waiting to see the pandas at the San Diego Zoo.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas...

And I'm SO EXCITED! This morning on my way to work I drove into a flurry. The ground was covered (actually, it made the road wicked slippery) and all the trees had a dusting of flakes. It was gorgeous! Christmas is my all-time favorite time of year. The food, the family, the beautiful outdoor vistas... it all warms my heart. My fingers are itching to pull out my Christmas CDs - the Muppets, Andy Williams, even Dr. Demento. It's not too soon to be excited about Christmas, is it?
~Amalia~

PS Pictures to be posted tonight! I PROMISE

Six of One, Half a Dozen of the Other

That's a favorite saying of my dad's. It means that whatever you call it, things seem to even out. I was very frustrated by this yesterday.
The day started out so wonderfully! It was "challenge day" for the sophomore class. The Army National Guard created an elaborate series of challenges for small groups of sophomores to navigate through. The goal is to build teamwork and communication skills. I was "chaperoning" a great group of kids. The whole day was pretty terrific. I even got a t-shirt! Fabulous.
I got my car back Monday night from the garage, and was thrilled to be driving MY car again. Unfortunately, the original problem was repaired, but a new one cropped up - my automatic seatbelt isn't working. The cord it runs on jumped the track, so it is stuck in the car-door-is-open position. I didn't try to frig with it, thinking Bear would be able to fix it later.
When I got back to Brownville that afternoon, I got the mail and then went straight to Bear's work, as we had to go to the garage to pay the repair bill on my car once he got out for the day. I knew the bill was going to be big, because I'd had four new struts, new strut mounting plates and a new tie rod end put in my car. The total? SIX HUNDRED FORTY-EIGHT DOLLARS! And change. That's more than HALF what I paid for my car five and a half years ago!! Whatever. I can't afford a new car, so I just slapped my credit card down on the desk and cringed. I drove home that night poor, with a car that was fixed but somehow still broken. Now my credit cards are both almost maxed, I have no money to fix this new problem or pay for my wedding or buy Christmas presents. Life pretty much SUCKS right now.

~Amalia~

PS

You'll notice, if you're a regular reader to my blog, that I haven't mentioned wededing plans or my weight loss lately. That's because there's been little to no movement on either front. I did, however, get several pictures shrunk in filesize so that I may share them with my adoring audience (that's you). I'll post them tonight if I get a chance.

~Amalia~

Another Terrific Weekend

Despite the wild weather we had, Bear and I had another fabulous weekend. Friday night we went to Bangor. This isn't always a productive adventure, but this time it was - we went to the bank, paid the cellphone bill, added a texting plan onto his phone and got his phone repaired, ate dinner at Pizza Hut's Italian Bistro (it's like Pizza Hut and Olive Garden had a baby), bought an exercise bike and got groceries! It was a busy evening, to say the least.
The exercise bike was a good deal. Under $200 for a recumbant and included in the price was a "no sweat" guarantee that says if anything is wrong with it, we get a new one for free. We even get to keep the old one! So for example, if the heart rate meter dies but the bike still works, we get a new bike but can keep the old one. I think that's a deal! We can renew the plan every year, to, so all we have to pay is the $18 a year. I am SO going to get my money's worth out of this thing! My goal is 20 minutes a day, but if I do it five days a week, I'll be satisfied. I did 20 minutes on Sunday but didn't get my heart rate above 100 until the very very end of the workout. I will have to push myself harder, I think. My resting heart rate is 52, which is a little below average. I don't even know what I want my heart rate to be for maximum fat burning efficiency. Do you?
I went to a chiropracter this weekend, too. It was the first of several visits. I hadn't been since high school, and the pain in my neck, back and hips was getting difficult to handle. Poor Bear had to listen to me complain daily. He strongly encouraged me to go back, so I did.
I'd forgotten how much I LOVE to get cracked.
He cracked and popped me several times, once having to stand me up to get enough force to pop the vertebrae back to their proper positions. It felt like Heaven. Getting 'adjusted' as they call it releases endorphins into your system - basically, you feel as good as you do post-orgasm without any of the mess. I go back on Thursday and I can't wait. My neck especially feels much better already.

Other than that, Bear and I just lazed around the house all day. I graded papers (first quarter ended Friday), we watched some movies (Hotel Rawanda and The Haunting), napped for three hours, cooked great food, and spent a considerable amount of time cuddling. I'd say it was perfect... wouldn't you?

~Amalia~

Ode to Bear (thanks Clare)

I read a blog daily called "Three Beautiful Thing" by a woman in England that blogs each day about three beautiful things she saw or experienced. It's a wonderful, positive way to look at life, and so I thought I'd try it in the hopes that she realizes that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Because my blog is called "Caring for Bear," it seemed natural to write three beautiful things about him. Here goes:

1. He packs my breakfast and lunch every day, including the chocolate I say I don't want, but secretly do. He even breaks into the Halloween stash if he has to to make sure that my chocolate craving is satisfied.

2. When we crawl into bed each night, he turns his back to me, an silent request to spoon him. He pays me back by letting me keep my cold feet on his warm ones. When I roll over later that night, he rolls too - and we switch positions, one of us holding the other all night long.

3. The way he looks when he plays video games - eyes intent, tongue sticking out whenever he attempts a tricky manouver, and a leg kicking the floor whenever he dies. It's too cute!

~Amalia~

Moose x2

This could have been the moose I saw yesterday. I wouldn't normally post about the same thing twice, but this moose deserves a few inches of blog space. I was driving home in Bear's car (mine is in the garage with a host of illnesses), and I saw a moose in the ditch of the oncoming lane (my left). I came to a complete stop as I'm supposed to and because it looked like he wanted to talk into the road. I was right - he walked out of the ditch and into the middle of the road, still dripping water from his chin. He stopped when he got to the dividing line in the highway, front legs in my lane, back legs in the other lane. Moose Alley is a lonely stretch of road, so there weren't any other cars around. It was just me and the moose. He didn't appear to be in any kind of rush to move and I was, so I beeped my horn at him. He turned his head and looked at me, contemplating whether it was worth it to stomp Bear's car (and me) into the pavement. Note to self: Do NOT Honk at Moose! He turned 180 degrees and faced the ditch again. Silently this time I encouraged the moose to move. He didn't. He took two steps, turned around again and walked two steps back. This continuted for FIVE MINUTES until finally, another car appeared on the road behind me. When it got close enough the moose slowly stepped off the road, disappearing into the trees. I drove the rest of the way home thankful that the moose hadn't taken my honking personally. I have my camera with me today, so if I see any more, I will take pitcures to post.

~Amalia~

MOOSE!

I drive to work every morning on a stretch of road affectionately known as "Moose Alley." The reason for this is because the road I drive on has more moose/vehicle accidents than any other road in Maine (or it seems to, anyway). All year, however, I haven't seen a single moose. I have seen a ton of crows and a single dead deer, but that's it. Every day someone asks me, "Didja see a moose?" After nine weeks, it is just annoying. "No," I sigh. "No moose yet."
Well yesterday I saw my first moose! I was passing a fallow potato field and saw a dark blur in the middle of it. At 6:30 in the morning, it is still quite dark and moose are a very deep brown. At first I thought it was a horse, but after a moment I realized it was a MOOSE! Thankfully it was about fifty feet away from the road and standing still, so I didn't have to worry about hitting it.
A few facts:

• Moose can weigh over 1,000 pounds (that's like NINE deer put together)
  
• Their antlers (racks) can measure six feet across
• Adult males can stand six feet tall at the shoulder
• My car is only up to my shoulder
• I drive a Ford Escort Wagon - a small car
• An impact with an adult moose has a 60-80% chance of killing me.

So as you can imagine, I was thrilled to be able to tell people about the moose I saw AND that it wasn't in the road. It pretty much made my day. So I continued my commute, a smile on my face. About five miles later, I came around a corner in the road and SLAMMED on my breakes - there was another moose! I don't know how big the first one was, but this one was HUGE. He was going in the same direction I was, trotting in the soft shoulder of the other lane. Once I got stopped and could breathe again, I followed him for about 100 yards until he turned left down a gravel road. He turned and looked at me once, and kept on his path. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. The first moose made me happy, the second one just scared the crap out of me. I was uber careful the rest of the drive to work, convinced that every dark patch near the road was another moose. Thankfully, there were only the two and I didn't hit either one.

It makes me wonder - how often do close calls happen?

~Amalia~

HURRAY!

As many of you know, I switched to Bogger Beta a few weeks ago. I admit it was a selfish change... I did it so that other bloggers I enjoy reading could comment on my blog. They had Beta, so I had to have it. Imagine my disappointment when after all this time I still had no comments! I was very sad. However this morning when I logged on, it said I had three unmoderated comments I had to look at. There they were! Three lovely comments, all waiting for me. Yess! I feel SO much better now. Of course I have no idea how long they were stitting there. I will make sure to check that often now that I know it's there. Blogger Beta is great, but I'm still learning all about it.

Moving on to what I intended to post today. Last night I was getting ready for bed as usual. I was in the bathroom, going through the nightly ritual of brushing my teeth, taking my contacts out, and tweezing stray eyebrow hairs. I hadn't done that last task in a while, so I got out my magnifying mirror and went to work. Naturally I have something of a unibrow which means that constant maintenance is a must. After I finished I pointed the mirror at different sections of my face looking for blemishes of any kind. My nose, forehead and cheeks all checked out fine. I have a freckle under my ear that grows a single black hair, and I nabbed that one, too. Feeling much better and much more attractive, I gave the mirror a final pan accross my neck below my chin. What I saw there was nothing less than horrific. I had beard hairs!! Not just one or two stragglers, either. I have two disinct patches of long thin hairs under my chin on either side of my esophogas. I am MORTIFIED. How long have these hairs been there? When did they multiply? Has Bear seen them? Have my students?? UGH! I felt this wash of ugliness crash over me. I tweezed what I could, furiously plucking any hair I could get a hold of. This was an incredibly painful process as anyone who tweezes a new area can imagine. I know that these hairs will come back, though, and I don't know what to do. I should mention, too, that this comes on the heels of Bear mentioning (again) that he is not a fan of the hairs that grow below my belly button. I Veet them off, but they have to be a certain length for the hair removal cream to be effective. I believe the word he used was - well, it doesn't matter what it was, but it was not a nice word. He did later apologize for using such a word to describe a body part. Good man. Only now I'm convinced that I am some modern-day Sasquatch that is an anomoly in the civilized world! HELP!

~Amalia~

Anniversary Ideas

Bear and I are trying to figure out what we want to do for our one-year anniversary. It seems like we've been together so much longer than that, but we did indeed meet last November 17. As we are on a tight budget, we opted not to buy each other gifts. Christmas is coming right up after that anyway so I can spoil him then. I think what we are going to do is spend a weekend on the coast. I'm not sure what area we will end up in (Portland, Old Orchard, and Boothbay Harbor are all places we've brought up in discussion) or what we are going to do, but I'm certain it will be an amazing time filled with romance and joy. The last eleven months have been, so why should this be any different? If you can reccomend a place to visit, leave a comment! I'd love to hear what you think.

I was getting ready for work this morning, and wandered into the livingroom to look for my shoes. Bear was sitting on the couch, one boot on, the other in his hand, a stumped and wonderous look on his face. "What?" I asked him.
"I just realized that for the first time in months, we have absolutely no plans for the weekend," he replied. "I don't remeber the last time that's happened. I don't have to work, we aren't going North, we aren't going South... nothing."
I looked at him with an expression mirroring his. "Wow," I sad. "What should we do?"

Any ideas? A free weekend is a true gem for us and our busy over-packed schedules. I almost want to stay home and do nothing, since I know that the Christmas craziness is going to start soon. Or we could work on one of the myriad home-improvement projects that are still on the list. The chimney's done - check. Repainted the ceiling? Nope. Painted the office? Nope. Ripped up the kitchen carpet? Only one small section. *sigh* Maybe I know what we're doing this weekend after all...


~Amalia~

success?

The ladies in the front office mentioned they had noticed I've lost weight. I'm on cloud nine! I didn't think ANYONE had noticed that I've lost 12-14 pounds (depending on the day). But they HAVE and they SAID something! Yesssssssssssssssssssssss! This makes me feel another huge surge of willpower to get the rest of the weight off. How awesome will I feel if I have to have my slightly-too-tight wedding dress taken IN? I have to go chortle with delight some more... later!

~Amalia~

Fragility

I read in the paper this week that a man died in a car accident Saturday night. He took a wide curve in the road too fast, lost control, and went off the road. His car flipped several times, ejecting him from the car. He was pronounced dead at the scene. Normally this wouldn't bother me, but there was further information about this man - he had been married just over twenty-four hours. Married Friday, dead Saturday. Is there a more horrible story out there? I can't even imagine what his bride (I don't even think she got to wife status yet) must be feeling. I can't imagine what a wreck I'd be... my mind doesn't want to contemplate it.

Also this week, a man who I know by association died of complications from cystic fibrosis. He was a band mate of my cousin's... he was only 36. They were working on putting out their new album this spring and were scheduled to play in Florida next month. I wonder what will happen now. His myspace page already has comments from people expressing their grief. How tragic.

Finally, there have been a slew of people I know getting diagnosed with cancer, and they are all young (my age). Two English teachers I know have daughters diagnosed with lymphoma. I know people who are having suspicious moles removed that are still in high school!

The more I read and hear about people, the more worried I am that Bear and I won't get the hoped-for fifty years together. With his family history, I think I will be lucky to get twenty. It's just so unfair! Why can't the bad things like cancer, accidents and unfortunate circumstances happen to people who cheat on their taxes, hurt children and animals or cut in line at the grocery store? Why does all the bad stuff have to happen to the people who least deserve it?

Speaking of Name Change...

I wrote in my last post about what my name will be when I'm married (Kinne). I wasn't analyzing what I wrote; rather, I was caught up in one of the fits and spurts of giddiness and excitement that every bride succumbs to occasionally. It interests me now when I am in a more logical mood that I "said" that. Until yesterday (apparently) I hadn't decided if I was going to take Bear's name.

Okay. I was young once - I admit it. And being young, I couldn't wait to change my last name. It's boring, people inevitably ask if I'm related to Marilyn (my last name if you missed it is Monroe). These days the occasional asshole student changes the vowel to "Manroe." Those were the days I went home fuming about ignorant children... as I bleached my facial hair and ironed a skirt to wear the next day. So why not change my name and be happy with it?

Well for starters, I'm the only one of my father's four biological children that has his last name. He has two sons and two daughters. He wasn't married to my brothers' mom, so they got her last name and my sister had a hyphenated name and she dropped the Monroe off of it. So that leaves me. If I don't keep my name what will happen to the Monroe name??
Not to mention that all of my teacher books and private posessions have Monroe written in them. It's who I'm known as in the teacher/college world. I'm Ms. Monroe. How can I just leave that behind? Do I leave Monroe in the books, or cross it out and write Kinne instead?
That may seem like a stupid reason to change a name, but I'm not reasonable when it comes to aspects of me. You know how in families some children are more like one side than the other? My mother's maiden name is Vinal. I'm MUCH more Monroe than Vinal. I'm my father's daughter, as my mother so frequently tells me. If my name becomes Kinne, who am I then?

I read an essay by Anna Quindlen about her decision not to change her name. She didn't do it out of some feminist reason, but because (like me) she felt that her name was part of who she was, and she didn't want to lose it. She did admit, however, that there were some problems as a result of her decision. For example, her children and husband "shared the umbrella of a name," and that left her out in the rain a lot. she said that teachers, nurses and other professionals were always calling her by the wrong name. That makes me think. If I don't take Kinne, does that make me Mrs. Monroe? Mrs. Monroe is my mother, NOT me! I can't keep Miss, though, so do I use Ms (Mizz)? Arg! So frustrating.

I have family members that have gone both ways. Most of the women take their husband's last name, erasing the written connection to the families of their childhood, and moving under the umbrella of their husbands'. A few, like my cousin Carly, have kept their last name and used it as their childrens' middle names. But she and her husband are in business together.... doesn't that confuse customers? I don't know.

In the end, I guess I decided to take Paul's name not to dishonor my family, but to honor his. both of his parents are passed and he is a Junior. Family name is important to him. He is the last of his family, the only boy; I have brothers (they just don't have the same last name). My family would never say that I am dishonoring them by taking Bear's name. As time goes by, I guess I am hearing them more. Bear and I are going to be sharing a life, a future; I like to think we'll be sharing the same umbrella, too.

~Amalia~

Countdown

Only 257 days until I become Mrs. Kinne! I can't even believe how fast the time is flying by. If you want more details about us or our wedding plans, visit our wedding website:
www.theknot.com/ourwedding/HeatherMonroe&PaulKinne,Jr.

Let me know what you think!


~Amalia~

Finally

I finally broke that two week weight plateau. I got on the scale Sunday morning and weighed in at 176.2. Yes! I ate like a pig Saturday, too. Bear and I went to Kittery with my parents and then to Freeport. We weren't shopping for anything in particular, and I ended up only buying one small thing for my brother and his wife for Christmas, but we had a ton of fun. Kittery Trading Post is HUGE! They had lots of great bear stuff that Bear liked. Their clothes were way overpriced, but Southern Maine is a different economic climate than the rest of the state, so I don't the the yuppies from Portland even noticed. My parents took us out to breakfast at The Railroad Cafe, a little place in Richmond. It was good food, but filled me up fast. I had bacon, eggs, hashbrowns and cinammon raisin toast. Yum! For lunch we went to Friendly's in Kittery. Not fancy food, but hot fast and cheap (my three requirements). I had a honey mustard chicken burger (to know me is to know that I LOVE honey mustard). For dessert (my FAVORITE part of any meal) we went to the Ben and Jerry's Ics Cream store right next to L.L. Bean. I had a small scoop of Phish Food. My stomach was in revolt by the time I was half way through it, but it was so worth it. Of course, then my parents and Bear had to stand around for fifteen minutes while I was in the bathroom, trying not to stink the other ladies out. I took a Lactaid before eating, but I don't think it's strong enough to handle ice cream. Ugh. Man I miss the days when I could eat whatever I wanted and have no problems.

Plateau

I was doing so well! I lost twelve pounds. Yeay me! I think it went to my head a little, because I haven't budged in two weeks. I am right around 178 every day. One morning I was 177.6, and that was terrific, but I haven't seen it since. Arg!
Why am I sabotaging myself? I had Pepsi every night with dinner last week, and I baked three batches of cookies, too. I haven't done my yoga DVD or even taken a walk in two weeks. It's like I decided that 178 was enough loss. IT ISN'T!! I asked Bear if we could go for a walk tonight, and he said we could try. The thing is, by the time we get home we are both so exhausted, it's hard to want to get up and move around. But we must be able to muster a stoll around the block, right? How hard can that be? I don't have to make dinner tonight (his turn), so I should have a tiny bit more energy than usual.

We are in the midst of wedding planning. I need to call party rental vendors for price lists. I'm hoping to have a place booked and deposit down by the end of the month. I don't want our wedding date to be booked! We need to rent tents, tables, chairs, porta-potties and possibly a dance floor. Bear and I got sticker shock when we saw the photographers rates, so we are hoping to get a budget set up soon. The photographer is a friend of my mom's so we are getting the "not-quite-family" discount, but still. I love her and she takes awesome photos, but DAMN is she expensive! She did tell my mom that we don't have to get a package if we don't want to, which is nice. Her packages range from $1480 to $4000!
Mom wants me to figure out what flowers I want in my boquet. Tables are going to have white chrysanthemums in red & blue vases, but I want red, white and blue flowers in my boquet. What are some good, cheap flowers in those colors? I think roses are overdone and overpriced, so those are out. Daisies, lillies, any type of wildflower are all acceptable. Suggestions, anyone?

I'm monitoring detention tonight (ugh). Three kids are staring at me, not even pretending to get work done. *sigh* Why does detention punish me??

~Amalia~

Switch-hitter

I just switched to Blogger Beta. I made some changes to my blog and I think it looks nice, even if I do say so myself. Let me know what you think!

~Amalia~

Playing Favorites

This is probably my favorite photo of Bear and me. It was taken about a month and a half after we started dating, and was the first weekend I'd spent at his place. I don't think it could have been a better weekend; the weather, the company... everything was perfect.
Little did I know that awesome weekends were going to become a staple of our relationship. Since this photo was taken, we have been to Bar Harbor, California, camping in the woods and bumming around home. We've spent weekends working on household chores and projects, weekends running errands, weekends catching up on laundry, dishes, and each other. We've visited relatives, hid from neighbors, spent entire days curled around each other and a few alone, doing our own thing. Every single weekend has been perfect. Every Monday we return to work missing the other more than we thought we would. We text messages like, "thanks for another awesome weekend, Baby" and "only five more days until we can spend the day together again". I wish I had photos of all of our perfect weekends, like I do of the first one. I wish I could spread out the happiness on the floor, creating a giant collage of us-ness.
Then I'd have dozens of favorite photos like this one.

Ripping off the band-aid

So a blogger that I read daily (www.britehope.blogspot.com) says that removing a toxic friend from your life is a lot like ripping off a band-aid. It hurts at first, but at least you're done. I have to admit I'm still in the hurting phase, but at least my mind is clear now, and I can look ahead with a smile instead of a furrowed brow.

The last few months with this friend that I've ripped off of my life have been very painful. You know how some people cut themselves, because as bad as it feels, it is at the same time relieving other pains they feel? That's what I did with T. I used to listen to her tell me about the things she was doing, the places she was going, the stuff she just bought or that was bought for her. I lived on these tidbits of information, totally ignoring the fact that every single one of them made me feel bad about ME. She may never have done this on purpose, but the effect is the same. When she became engaged, I should have been happy, and I was on one level. But on another I knew that my time of being special was over. The time of her asking me about my plans without one-upping me with her own was over. But like a masochist, I read her blogs, found her name on the knot and wededings.com, pouring over the details she'd written, agonizing over what she hadn't. The groomsmen lists are filled out, but only the maid of honor on her side. Is she afraid to put up names because she knows that mine won't be on there? WILL it be on there? What is she registering for? Are they going to have a DJ? What will their song be? I was drawn to everything she posted, fully expecting to be hurt by what was there. And I was - every time. I might not have been cutting my skin, but the feeling was the same.

So why bring it up? Because I'm hoping to be done that. I'm hoping that like the band-aid, that part of my life is over. I don't want to visit her blogs or web pages any more, I'm not going to see if she's commented on my blog (I know she's read it). I'm just going to move on. Maybe I can stop feeling bad about my own life and wedding if I stop comparing them with hers. I'm not sure how long it will take the toxic friend to work her way out of my system, but at least I've taken the first step to recovery by tearing the band-aid off.

Thanks Sue.

~Amalia~

An afterthought

If you read my last blog, you're up to date on the drama. I was making dinner and playing back the conversation in my head, and I realized something - she thinks I chose red and blue as my colors because they were colors that SHE wanted years ago. It couldn't be further from the truth! Here are the real reasons I am picking country apple and Navy blue as my wedding colors:

1. Bear and I couldn't agree on what colors the groomsmen's shirts should be. I knew I wanted country apple (a dark red), but Bear didn't want green, yellow, or orange in any shade. When I mentioned blue, he agreed, as long as it was dark blue. That was in March.

2. Tablecloths, napkins, paper plates and decorations will be available that time of year in those colors. I am getting married Fourth of July weekend, after all. And to be completely honest - being able to buy cheap decorations and paper products will be a sizeable portion of our budget. I can buy those cheaper at Wal Mart than I can in diferent colors at a wedding supply store.

So there you have it, the real reasons I am having red and blue colors at my wedding. I wasn't copying anyone or stealing anyone's ideas, I was making practical choices I thought everyone could live with. I'd even forgotten that T had chosen those colors in the first place. And in my defense, T wasn't engaged or even planning on getting married when Bear and I picked our colors. We weren't thinking about her at all.

~Amalia~

Mushroom cloud

That's what the conversation I just had looked like. A nuclear explosion.
So my best friend Beatrice and I had the conversation that's been heading our way for weeks. She was very courageous and started the conversation, giving me a list of all of the things she's been thinking about lately. The rundown: She feels that every time we talk she leaves upset or crying. That getting married which should have brought us closer, has actually caused a rift in our relationship. That is true. Then it was my turn, and I told her that she had no idea how much it hurt that she is getting married on a day that I can't be there, that I need her as a friend more than she needs me as friend (a fact I was reminded of when she couldn't commit to me being a bridesmaid). I told her that whether she intended to or not, every time she talked about a $1,000 dress or the swanky reception hall she booked, it made me feel like I was ... less... in some way. That it made me feel less like the princess every woman should feel like before her wedding. That's why I haven't been calling her as much.
Bea replied that it was never her intention, that what I'm doing is unique to Bear and me, etc. I told her that I'd read her blog and that I know, I just know, that her other wedding color is going to be red. She started yelling at that point, saying "You've known for five years that I've always wanted to get married on the fourth of July and have red white and blue as my wedding colors! That was my idea first! You KNOW that's what I wanted to do. When you first told me what you're colors were going to be I was so hurt..."
I interrupted her, saying, "Let me finish! I'm not saying I have property rights to red white and blue. But to be fair, when I chose those colors, you were NOT engaged and had JUST told me that you were going to break up with Rambo because you couldn't see yourself with him, he was just wrong for you, you didn't know what you were still doing with him and you were going to break up with him as soon as you got back from Vegas!" (You noticed she wasn't going to miss the cool vacation, didn't you?) And what I said was true - she really was going to break up with him after their trip. They went ring shopping while they were in Vegas, and were engaged about a month later. Who does that? She screams, "I'm not discussing this with you! It hurts you to talk to me, it hurts me to talk to you, so we're done!" And hung up the phone. I HATE when people hang up on me, and she knows that.

So I guess she's right - we're done.
Terrilyn Dawn Lebel, you are no longer my friend. When you grow up and get rid of your imaginary tiara, you can call me. Until then, don't call, write, or otherwise contact me. You are a toxic friend, and I'm done letting you poison me.

Oh, and PS - you're out of the wedding, not getting invited, and you can KISS MY ASS! I'm KEEPING the red, white and blue colors, too. :-D

Oh, and PPS - You're right, I didn't call you on your birthday. I was busy. Not to mention I gave you your birthday presents a MONTH AGO! Isn't that enough?

~Amalia~

Snuffleupagus

That's what I sound like, anyway. I am so sick! Runny nose, congestion (how does that work, exatcly?), head and ear aches becauwe of all the snot and sneezing like there's no tomorrow. In short, I'm not much fin to be round right now. Grr. Why do I always get sick on the weekend??

My Friday was a change from the normal routine as I went to the Maine Writing Project Effective Practices Conference. It was a good conference, even if it was hella far away (85 miles). I got to see my classmates from last summer which was fabulous - I didn't realize how much I missed them! Everyone looked wonderful.

As I was driving to Belfast that morning, I noticed something I just have to mention. I left my house at six a.m., so I saw loads of kids outisde waiting for their busses. I probably saw fifty kids. It was raining quite heavily, but not so much that I couldn't see that NONE of them were wearing a raincoat or carrying an umbrella. Not one! Where the hell are the parents?!?! Who lets there kids out in a downpour in nothing but a hooded sweatshirt? Cotton absorbs water quickly, but it doesn't dry quickly. Those kids were going to be damp the entire day. Is it really that hard to purchase a raincoat and give it to your kid? What does a cheap umbrella cost, two dollars? Come on, people, that is ridiculous.

There, now that I've vented, I feel much better. It's late, so I'm going to bed, but I promise to write more soon. Sweet dreams!

~Amalia~

Cue the Cheesy Inspirational Music

I did it!!! I broke 180 pounds for the first time this morning. The scale said 179.6. Woo hoo! I'm so excited. Usually on the weekends I end up gaining weight, but this weekend we visited Bear's Godparents, so she cooked for us instead. I even said no to ice cream when we went to the mall! ME! Bear, his god mother and his god nephew (?) all had ice cream, and I - if you can believe it - had water. Willpower 1, Temptation 0. Can you tell how excited I am?
As a reward, I am going to drive straight home and WALK to the post office. I might take the dog, make a social visit out of it. Then again, I will walk faster without her. Hmmm. I'll have to think about that. It's only about a half mile away, but the more exercise I do the faster I'll be at 175.

Bear has spent the last week searching for a honeymoon for us. We've hit a snag in that everything is expensive, and we have no money to spend up front to reserve tickets or spots. We found an ideal honeymoon at a resort in Jamaica that's in our price range. We can afford it with the money we should get at the wedding, but there's no way the deal will be around then. Today he suggested that we stick around Maine for the week after we're married and do a tour of the coast, then do Jamaica in February when we can both really use it. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I'm thinking on it hard.

Speaking of Bear, he's been working overtime at the mill to earn extra money for the wedding. How sweet is that? His job is exhausting already, and here he is working until dark everynight to earn some money. I suggested that I get another job, but he didn't think that I should since would get a low paying job and never see him - he can make more money in less time at the mill. Good point.
I've been up to my elbows in chores the past two weeks - laundry, dishes, vaccuming, picking up cat puke, etc. I was getting a little bit perturbed at what I perceived to be an imbalance in household chores, but since Bear is doing all that extra work, I think we're even. Besides, Bear and I struck a deal about the dishes (I'll tell you next time).

~Amalia~

Remember that Wedding Bug?

I think I have a fever from its bite. No kidding - it seems all I can think about lately is wedding stuff. I dont' want to talk about new bands I'm into, my students (who ar epretty great, by the way), my family - all I want to talk about is what we have planned and what needs to be done and what we can/can't do, etc. It's like the college-educated, articluate, fairly well-read person inside of me took a vacation and left me with the emotional, stressed out wedding planner. What gives?

Okay, so maybe it's true that I believe in getting married one time only. Not because of religious or cultural reasons, I just believe on making a decision and sticking with it. I don't make decisions lightly for that reason. I know without a doubt that Bear and I will have an amazing life together. Its the fact that I never had any doubts that showed me this. I never thought, "do I really love him?" or "Is this moving too fast?" or "Can I really be married to him forever?" because I knew the answers to all of those questions without asking (yes, no and yes respectively). In my previous relationships, I was always plagued by doubts. This turned out to be a good thing, because they really weren't such good guys in the end. It took a long time to figure it out, but I did. Too long, some would say, but that goes back to my desicion-sticking.

So if this is going to be my only wedding, shouldn't it be exactly what I want? I have a hard time listening to my voice first - if someone says why don't you do this, I hate to say no to them. That's what had me in some ugly wedding dresses the one time I went shopping with my mom. It's also why I'm not getting married in a small ceremony at my aunt's house - other people said that it would be a logistical nightmare (and they aren't completely wrong). It's beautiful there, though. The website for their farm is www.tidemillfarm.com They have 1,700 acres of ocean-fronted land. They even have two mountains!!

I've accepted that I can't have that as my wedding. My parents also originally didn't want me to get married at their house, but TOUGH! I want the senic view, the outdoors, all of it. I want to get married on land that I grew up on, worked on, played on. I want my mobility challenged grandmother to be there. She's 91 and has a broken back. She can make it down to the pond. If someone has to drive her, they will.
I've had to make some other sacrifices, too. There are going to be many more people at the ceremony than originally planned. I want the reception to immediately follow the wedding (pictures will be done before), and there's no way to keep people out of the wedding when all they have to do is walk down the hill. Can you imagine the distraction? My mom is doing all kinds of things for the reception, and I'm going to just have to let her do it. So I wouldn't have had jellybeans as table favors... so what? If it makes her happy and its one less thing I have to worry about, I guess I'll just have to let her. Although she also wants my cousin to be my maid of honor, and I don't want her to be. I haven't said no firmly to that, but maybe I should. The problem is, who should I have in my bridal party? I can't believe that this is such a hard question, but it IS. My best friend was (and still might) be my maid of honor, but she's getting married four days later. I just want my day to be all about me. I don't want a stressed out future bride on my hands and I don't want people to talk about HER wedding instead of mine. Selfish, I know, but no one's going to talk about mine at hers, so isn't that fair?? Maids of honor have a lot of responsibilities, and I don't want to overburden her with mine when she has so many already. I can't even GO to her wedding, not that I think I would have been in the bridal party anyway. She never came out and said it, but I think it would have happened. I can't even begin to tell you how much that stings.

Finally, Bear and I have been scouring the internet looking at all possible honeymoon options. Its beginning to look like we aren't going to get to do anything we want - we wanted a cruise (too expensive), we wanted the Caribbean (too expensive) we wanted Scotland and Ireland (too expensive). It turns out that ALL of our extra money will be spent on the wedding with none left over for a celebration alone on some far flung shore. We thought about registering for a cruise so that people put money towards that instead of buying us gifts, but what happens if we don't get enough? Can we back out? I don't know.

Today I am going to read my Women's Health magazine and try not to stress. I am going to do my Yoga DVD and laundry and dishes and NOT talk about anything wedding related for the entire evening. I'll let you know how I did tomorrow.

~Amalia~

PS Another blogger that I read religiously (www.britehope.blogspot.com) mentioned me in her post! It was the coolest thing EVER. So here's her shout out: Sue - you ROCK!

The Good, Bad, and the Disappointing

The Good - I BOUGHT MY WEDDING DRESS! I got it yesterday at David's Bridal. I went with three dresses in mind rom my first visit, but I swore I would look around before I forced myself to choose one of them. I took a swing by the $99 rack, which are dresses that are discontinued (the leftovers from the previous season). There were about thirty dresses on the rack, and only one that I liked that was in my size. Well, actually, it was a 14, and all the dresses I'd tried on last time were 16s, but for $99 I figured it was worth a shot. Helen, aka Nana, the lady helping me flitted about picking the dresses I'd tried on before and getting my undergarments ready. This time instead of getting me a bustier she brought me a microfiber slip thing that was less constricting and hot. I slipped it on and she helped me put the dresses on. I modeled them in the mirror and was able to quickly rule out two of the five that I had. The third dress I tried on was the one with the red embroidery on it, and I still liked it, but wasn't sure about it. I was just worried that I'd look on those pictures ten years from now and wish I'd stuck with plain white. The fourth dress I tried on was the $99 one. It fit wonderfully and looked awesome. It was a sheath, so it wasn't too poofy, it was a nice length, and had some nice crystal beading on the top and side. It also had a side gather, which is very flattering on my figure. At that time Bear showed up and came back to see what I was up to. His first thought was, "Oh, God, I wonder how much that one costs." It should be mentioned there that I don't mind that he sees the dress. More on that another day. I told him that it was under a hundred dollars, but that I wanted him to see the other two finalists, too. I put the red one back on and he said that he liked it but wasn't crazy about it (same as me). Yeay, I was down to TWO choices! The other dress was my favorite from the first time, another sheath, this one with a cowl neck and a lower cut back. This time it zipped up, which it didn't do last time. That was very exciting. Wasn't I just saying the other day that I wanted proof of my weight loss? But once it was on, I didn't think it looked as good as the cheap dress. Bear agreed. My best friend had arrived by that point to return my camera, and she agreed, too. So for once in my life, I liked the cheapest option best! I can't even believe it. I will take some pictures of it so that I can post them here. I bought the dress, a red sash to give it some color, jeweled flip flops for getting out of the boat and a garment bag for a grand total of $136.66. Can you even believe it?

The Bad - I went to my dress appointment alone. Bear drove me down, and he gets huge kudos for that, but my best friend, my mom, NO ONE could come with me. My mom didn't even WANT to come. How can my own mom not want to see me get a wedding dress? I never thought I'd be twenty-five and have problems finding people to care about me and what's going on in my life. Beatrice did have her own appointment to go to, but she didn't invite me to hers, and something kept me from asking her to come to mine. If I hadn't wanted my camera back so badly, I don't think we'd have seen each other. I did give her her birthday presents (eleven months late, but they were hand made!), so who knows when I will see her again? It just seems that there is a huge chasm of unspoken stuff between us. I'm not sure what to do about it. I've been sitting on a world of emothional stuff dealing with her, knowing that if I mention it it will just push her further away. At the same time, last night Bear had to deal with me in tears last night. Trust me when I say I'm not a pretty crier. Beatrice and I need to talk, but I think part of me wants to wait and see if everything will just blow over, and in a year when everything is said and done, maybe it won't matter any more.

Disappointing - My childhood favorite bakery, McDonanld's Bakery, is no more. The cook, McDonald, sold his bakery. The new owners are no where near as good as he was, and life will never be the same. No sugar creme rolls, no eclairs, not even a single gingerbread man. It was so disapointing. I felt bad for taking Bear there. He will never know the sugary goodness that was McDonald's Bakery. Sigh.

But you know what? I've got my dress!

Not Quite So Close

This morning I was very excited to get on the scale. I thought for SURE I'd be at 179.8. I hopped on, and quess what I weighed? 180.4. Sigh. Am I ever going to break the 180 barrier? I did well yesterday - I did my yoga DVD (okay, so I didn't do the last progression, but Bear came home right then and I look like a fool with my legs in the air and my face all red and sweaty). I had a chicken stir fry for dinner with white rice and tons of veggies (green and red peppers and onions). No dairy at all for TWO days! Grrr. I want to know that I am going in the right direction. It's hard to know that if I don't see results. I've never dealt well with the theoretical. I need proof, damnit!
Tonight Bear and I are driving to my parents' (two weekends in a row!) so that I can buy my dress in Portland on Saturday. I still don't know which one I want to buy. I'm hoping inspiration strikes once I'm there. Bear wants to go to a local bakery in my hometown for breakfast on Saturday. On the one hand I am really excited to show him a staple of my childhood, but on the other hand I know what a tremendous calorie-overloaded temptation all of those sweets are going to be. Honey-glazed doughnuts, chocolate sugar-cream rolls, bismarks, double Dutch chocolate muffins, butterflake rolls... the list of tasty fattening treats goes on and on. How will I resist?
I had a dream last night that I asked my best friend what her song is going to be at her wedding. You know, the first song the couple dances to? In the dream, she said the song that has meant quite a lot to Bear and I for our entire relationship. It has been recently released on the radio, and is rapidly gaining popularity. I just looked at her and said, "No." When she said that I wasn't the boss of her wedding, I replied, "If you use that song, I will not be your friend any more. It has meaning to Bear and I that it doesn't have for you. No." She hung up on me, and used the song anyway. I was so hurt.
I know it's just a dream, but what is the etiquette for that sort of thing? She's getting married four days after I am. I'm not going to be at her wedding because Bear and I will be out of the country on our honeymoon. Do I have a right to veto a song? Does she? Is it first-come-first-serve, or do you not have any rights to a wedding song? I don't think my dream conversation would ever happen (she couldn't possibly be THAT mean), but what if it did? What will I do? Is it that terrible to want even one thing to be our own, that no one else has done or is doing?

I'm confused. Help!

Soooooo close!

This morning when I got on the scale it said 180.0. That's only .2 pounds away from seeing 179!! I am so close! Every time I get goo dnews like that it reinvigorates my determnination to lose the weight. I wasn't planning on doing my Yoga DVD today despite not having other commitments, but I am saying right here (in PRINT) that I AM going to do my yoga DVD tonight! I PROMISE. I was reading an article in a magazine and some pilates instructor said that normally with yoga/pilates you see or feel a difference in about eight to ten sessions. I've done four, I think, so I'm half way there. I know that as soon as I see a difference I will enjoy it more. Right now it still kind of hurts. I did do it on Monday, so I'm quasi on track.
Last night we went to Bangor to get groceries. No big deal. On the way home we got gas (we took my car). This morning when I got to school, another teacher walked in holding my wallet.
"Are you in the habit of leaving your wallet on the roof of your car?" she asked. "It was wedged in the roof rack. I noticed it when I came in this morning."
"That's strange," I reply. "I don't remember when I last had my wallet. We went to Bangor last night... then we got gas... I didn't use it today -" At that moment I realized what had happened. I had left my wallet on the roof of my car while I pumped gas then drove 50 MILES home with it on the roof. I went inside and went to bed, then drove 40 MILES to school this morning - again with my wallet ON MY ROOF!!!!! How it stayed on there the way I drive I will never know. Is that not the luckiest thing you have ever heard? That thing rode over 90 miles!! I can't even believe it. Nothing is missing, either - not a receipt, not a card, nothing.
I know that Bear is going to kill me when he reads this. Yesterday I forgot my cell phone at work, and two weeks ago I left a credit card at a restaurant and my camera in my friend's car. I don't know why I'm so absent minded lately! It's like my brain just isn't working. I am going to try to do a better job about remembering things from here on out.
Saturday I am heading back to Portland to buy a wedding dress. I'm not sure which one I'm buying yet, but as soon as I have pictures, I will post them for you. Hopefully by buying the dress this soon, I will have a ton of fun having it taken in a few months from now. According to the plan, I have until the end of the year to get down to 170. I know I can do it. A wedding dress can be a powerful motivator!

~Amalia~

Another Awesome Weekend

And can they be anything else when my big, loveable Bear is involved? I think not. It seems every weekend we have another wonderful adventure. This weekend we visited my parents and went with them to our first experience at a Ducks Unlimited Banquet. If you are unfamiliar with Ducks Unlimited, visit their website: http://www.ducksunlimited.com/ The banquets are a chance for the organization to raise money and for its members to win cool stuff. They have rifles, shotguns, decoys, knives and bird calls (if your into that stuff) as well as home furnishings, art pieces, gift certificates, decorations and children's toys (if you're into that stuff). There are two auctions - a regular one and a silent one. I won a beautiful picnic basket on the silent auction. I paid way too much for it, but damn it it's mine! I didn't bid at the regular auction, because stuff was too expensive. They had a ton of different raffles. I won a gift certificate at Inkblot Printing for $25 worth of stuff (maybe I'll buy thank you cards for the wedding?). My parents, aunt and uncle and my dad's cousin all won stuff, although no one won a gun. My dad's cousin won this hideous giant wooden swan. He doesn't know what he's going ot do with it, but we had fun putting it on cars and pretending it was a giant hood ornament, roadkill, and other things.
We also camped at my parents instead of sleeping on the world's most uncomfortable couch bed. Our new tent held up to the thundershower and kept us safe and dry. We were supposed to get our camera back on Sunday, but Beatrice and I couldn't be at the same place at the same time. It's a shame, because I don't have a picture of the new tent yet, but I will perhaps get the camera back on Saturday, when I will be in her neck of the woods.
I got an estimate for how much it's going to cost to outfit the reception with chairs, canopies, tables and such - too much! I do think that mom said she would help me out with the cost. I want to look for places more local to my parents since I'm getting married at their house, but I need to get a local phone book first. Maybe I'll have a chance to do that this weekend, too.

In other news, I've been writing a little bit - venting about stressors, mostly, but there might be something in there to turn into a creative piece. I'm hoping. I don't want my time in the Maine Writing Project to have been a waste. Three weeks until reunion!

Guilt and Shame

Yesterday, as I was driving to work, I saw a dog trotting down the side of the road. "You better go home to your family, Dog, " I thought. "Some little girl is missing you terribly." His tongue was hanging out of his head as though he was thirsty, but he had a collar on so he obviously belonged to someone. But I was in a hurry, there weren't any houses nearby, so I just kept driving.
This morning, driving the same road, I saw the dog again - dead. It was obviously hit by a car about two miles from where I saw him the previous morning. I feel so bad. What would it have cost me to stop, give the dog a drink of water, and look at his tag for a number to call? I could have saved that poor dog (and his owner) needless pain and suffering. I feel terrible. I should have stopped. Now it's too late - the poor thing is decomposing on the side of the road. I wonder if he saw the vehicle coming. I wonder if the driver stopped. I wonder if a little girl will be driving on the road, looking for her lost dog, and see him on the side of the road, dead. What an image for a child to carry around forever.

I'm a terrible person.

How Sweet is He?

Bear and I have been talking about weight lately, for a lot of reasons. As of yesterday morning, my weight loss officially entered double digits (ten pounds!!). Later that day at Borders, Bear was walking through the isles looking for books when he turned to me and said, "I feel HUGE. I've GOT to do something." While I'm losing, he's gained a little - he's about twenty pounds heavier than when we met. I'm about thirteen pounds heavier. We live forty miles from the nearest gym, so joining the Y really isn't an option (not to mention we're broke). Winter's coming soon, too, so outdoor activities are about to become limited. So, after careful consideration, we've decided to purchase an exercise bike, probably recumbant. It is expensive, but it's the only cardio machine Bear can do thanks to a poorly healed break in his ankle, and it will complement my Yoga DVD nicely. I used to have huge thighs from bike riding all summer - it'd be kind of nice to see some of that back. And really, the wedding is less than 300 days away and I'm still thirty pounds away from my target.

Some weight loss facts for you:

• Five pounds of fat is the size of three grapefruits.
  
• Five pounds of muscle is the size of two tangerines.
• One pound of fat consists of 3,500 calories.
  
• Divided by seven, that means to lose one pound a week you need to cut 500 calories out of your diet each day.
  
• Twenty ounces of Pepsi has 250 calories.
  
• An extra 100 calories a day will make the average woman gain ten pounds a year.
• Normal BMI (Body Mass Index is 18.5 to 24.9. Mine is 26.7
• A pound of fat burns two calories an hour. A pound of muscle burns thirty-five.

At lunch today, I texted Bear, "I cannot WAIT to marry you."
He texted back, "I can't wait either - I want at least 50 years with you."

At least now I feel like we're going to have a shot at that. :)

~Amalia~

Crunch Time

And I mean that in more than one way.

Bear and I did our budget last night, and the results are less than pleasant. I had to take a sizeable pay cut for this job, and where before things were tight, they are now excrutiating. There will be no more eating out, no more movies or video games. We simply can't afford it. In six or eight months things will ease because we are getting a home loan to pay off the last of our debt, but eight months of my cooking is a very long time. I may have to look at taking a second job, and Bear is trying to work lots of overtime to help boost our financial situation. We're gonna make it, but it isn't going to be fun.
After a week of trying, I am back at 182.6 pounds. I ate out a LOT last weekend and skyrocketed back up to 185 at one point! I was so disappointed with myself. Granted, I was in a car the whole day and didn't have many options, but that isn't really an excuse. Yesterday was a good food day, and today has been okay, too. I'm good until I get home from work and then I pig out. How can I stop this?
I am going to do my yoga DVD tonight, for the first time in a week - yeay! I actually miss it. I bought a yoga mat, too, so now I don't have to lay on the floor that is covered in cat hair and smells like dog pee. I think you'll agree that the mat is an improvement. Bear is working late tonight (the aforementioned overtime), so I might try to mow some of the lawn as well. The sky looks kind of gray, but hopefully the rain will hold off. I have laundry to hang out still, anyway.

Speaking of Bear, I think it's time that he gets another list of reasons why I love him. He really is the best man in the world. So this is for you, baby! I hope you enjoy.

I love you for your dimple
I love when you institute the new rule
I love the way you convince me
I love how you always hold my hand
I love when you help me jump down from things
I love your crazy hair
I love how happy your Patriots blanket makes you
I love when you back me up
I love you for giving me Shota
I love your text messages
I love the way you call my mom "Mom"
I love you for helping me when I'm sick
I love when you take me for a ride
I love you for thinking about going back to school
I love how you tolerating my picking
I love you for your laugh
I love how safe you make me feel
I love how you promise me forever.

I love you, Bear!

~Amalia~

And how was your first day?

My first day back to school was a long one. I am new to this district, so while everyone was squealing, "oh my God, how ARE you?" I was sitting there, the odd teacher out. People seem to be nice and are very welcoming, but it's always tough to be the new kid, you know?
On the plus side, this job is going to have some nice perks. For one, we get the use of a laptop that is brand spankin' new - we can take it home, keep it over the summer, everything. So basically I just got a new laptop. Yeay! My old one is now basically just a holder for all of my mp3's. When we get a new desktop computer this spring, I will transfer all of my files over to it and wipe my old comp. Maybe I'll sell it - it's a good machine, I just don't need it.
Also, my room is HUGE. I'm going to have room for a couch and comfy chairs at some point. I can't wait! My classes will be pretty small, so there will be tons of room to move around. I have most of tomorrow to get my classroom in order. I can hardly wait.
Bear took the day of today, as he has been feeling really under the weather lately. Poor guy, he works so hard all week and then I have a huge list of stuff for him to do each weekend. We're really starting to feel the pinch of cooler weather, too - there is so much to get done before cold weather really hits. He got lots of rest today, and it was nice having him home when I got home, even though it meant I didn't get to do my yoga DVD today. Three days 0ff - I miss it. I never thoguht I'd say that, but it's true. After two days I was sore, but it felt good. It is obvious to me that I have not worked my body at all lately. I might end up alternating the two DVDs over the course of the week so that I don't get bored with them, but we'll see.
Tomorrow is another long day, but hopefully also a good one. Think of me while you are out enjoying the summer weather!
~Amalia~

Happy Early Birthday!

Happy early birthday to Bear! His birthday is actually the 29th, but his party is tonight. I baked the cake this morning, and still have to decorate it. It is a Pillsbury Cookies and Cream cake with real Oreos! You didn't think I was making it from scratch, did you? I laugh at you. ;)
I have all of his presensts purchased, all though I may keep one present to give to him on Tuesday. His sister from California is in town, and I know she will want to throw him a party, so maybe I'll keep one gift just as a personal token from me to him. I know which one it's going to be, too.
He is the biggest kid ever. He doesn't want anyone to buy him presents, but once he knows you have, he can't stop asking you to give him hints about what it is or how much money you spent. I'm afraid I spent more money on him that he's going to be happy with, but you know what? He doesn't ever get to be spoiled. Both of his parents are gone, and his sisters were estranged until recently. I strongly believe, no, I KNOW that everyone deserves to be spoiled a little bit.

So I am going to do just that.

Truly, it is better to give than to receive, because seeing him open those gifts - the things he really wanted but wouldn't ask for - is going to be the best part of my day. I can't wait.

~Amalia~

An End to Procrastination

And DAMN, it feels good!

This morning, feeling much recovered from my migraine, I decided to actually do my yoga DVD for the first time. It's actually called "Crunch - Yoga Pilates blend" or something like that. Anyway, I watched it last week, but didn't actually DO any of the moves.
I had no more excuses. I looked at my wedding gown pictures again (see previous post) and got to work. I don't have a mat and the carpet smells a little like dog pee, but it was a very satisfying workout. I feel all stretched out and tight at the same time. I am really going to try to do it again tomorrow. The reviews on Amazon.com said that people saw results after just two weeks - my plan is to see if that's the case. Two weeks from today is September 6. Let's hope I at least can touch my toes again in that time!

I'm off to school to get my classroom in order for next week. Talk soon!

~Amalia~

Ugh

Last night, when Bear came home, I was really hungry. He got in the shower while I made my dinner - the Mondo Sandwich. Here's how you make it:
Toast two pieces of oatmeal bread
Slather both slices with Light Miracle Whip
Place a slice of cheese on top of the miracle whip (two slices)
Lay four pieces of turkey on one side
Place four strips of bacon on the other
Fill the middle with a mountain of shredded lettuce

and voila!

I also added macaroni salad I had left over. As I cooked some leftover curly fries, something strange started happening. I knew I was looking at the fries, but I could only see half of them. Oh no, I thought. That means migraine.
I was right - that was a warning sign of a migraine that was about to strike me down. I put the Mondo Sandwich, macaroni salad and fries on the back of the stove where the dog couldn't get it and laid on the couch. Sure enough, in a few minutes my vision was fuzzy and the pain began. Not hungry any more, I told Bear I had made him dinner (he was fresh out of the shower at this point), and went upstairs in tears.
I hate migraines. They are totally debilitating. I have two prescription meds for them (which I took), but they take forever to work. Add to that the fact that Bear has never seen me have a migraine, and I was very unhappy.
There were, however, two pieces of good news: One, I caught it in time so that I didn't throw up. IF you're a migraine sufferer, you know how much WORSE they are if you throw up the meds. Two (and Im going to Hell for thinking this), I weighed in at 181.2 this morning. That's three pounds! I know that I will gain it back as soon as I eat something, but it cheered me to see that number on the scale. I was almost tempted to see how long I could go w/out eating to maximize the weight loss, but teetered back from that scary cliff edge as fast as I could. I want to lose weight, but I most definitely do NOT want an eating disorder. I'm actually off to find something for breakfast now. I'm thinking juice and toast to start. Maybe I'll try the Mondo Sandwich again tonight for dinner.

~Amalia~

Some Pictures (finally)

http://www.kodakgallery.com/ShareLandingSignin.jsp?Uc=5c8am8r.6dcskp7v&Uy=-sdxh6k&Upost_signin=Slideshow.jsp%3Fmode%3Dfromshare&Ux=0

That website should take you to a slide show of pictures from this weekend. I like to call it, "Adventures in Wedding Dress Shopping!" Let me know which dress you like best. The current favorite right now is the red one.

All the pictures were taken by my friend Terrilyn (there is one pic of her and her mother in the mix) - didn't she do an awesome job?


~Amalia~

Frustrated

I'm thrilled - I have a new job! That's great news, considering that I was about to be officially unemployed. This job will provide me opportunities to collaborate with colleagues, work with students that most need my help, apply skills and strategies from what I've learned in my graduate program - in short, everything I've been looking for.
Unfortunately, it also comes with a $3,000 pay cut (approximately) once you figure in tzxes and health insurance. It's only a half-time teaching position; the other half is Ed Teching. I should be thrilled. I AM thrilled. But it sucks that as soon as the state raises minimum teacher salaries, I take a pay CUT. I was supposed to get a $1,500 raise this year! That was what I was going to use for my wedding. Now I dont' know WHAT I'm going to use. *sigh*

Add that to two other pieces of news I got relating to my degree that make me unhappy: One, my old district is refusing to pay for the class I took this summer because I'm not coming back this fall. This AFTER they approved me to take the class!!! It was a six credit class, too, so now I have to come up with $1,300 to pay for that before I can take any more classes.
Two, I was supposed to present a 90 minute workshop for other teachers this fall at a conferece, but was informed that now all I'm getting is a roundtable - basically a corner of a room with pamphlets that I give to people as they look at my stuff for a GRAND TOTAL of FIFTEEN MINUTES! I'm so PISSED! Now I have to rework the entire workshop into something that it's not - I'm very displeased about this. Can you tell?

The one good thing that happened today was I killed some spiders. It was tough work - those suckers were HUGE! They had a ton of babies, too. I sprayed them all, though, so they should be dead by now. I'm going to take down their webs here in a minute or two.

~Amalia~

One and a half months Gone

And what do I have? A net weight loss of three pounds. And I was doing so well! I was on the cusp of 182, and now I'm back to 186. 186.4, to be exact. I'm frustrated, I'm down, but I'm not giving up. Yesterday was both a success and a failure - I mowed most of our lawn yesterday with a push mower (yeay!) and then pigged out at the Sebec Country Store and Diner (12" ham and bacon hoagie with cheese and mayo, curly fries and macaroni salad. I even had two bites of Bear's Mozzarella sticks!). All told, I probably ate twice as many calories as I burned.
Lucky for me, I did get my new issue of Women's Health yesterday. It motivated me to finally buy the two yoga DVD's I've had my eye on for about a month. I always loved Yoga and it doesn't require any special equipment. I should be getting them just in time to go back to school. When will I have the time to do them, you ask? When I get home from school before Bear gets home. Yoga made a difference in my body when I was going to the Y. I'm hoping it will make a diference again.
I am also going to finish mowing the lawn this afternoon. I have one big section left. If I'm feeling up to it after, I might go for a short walk. Anything to help relieve me of the guilt I'm feeling. I want to be hot again. I want it with a burning intensity. So I have to stop making excuses and DO something!
Right after I bring Bear his lunch at work. ;)

~Amalia~

PS My California pics are too large for blogger. I am working on getting some cut down so I can post them.

Just Kidding

Okay, the pics aren't posting. I'm going to have Bear help me and then maybe it'll work. Stay tuned.

~Amalia~

Didja Miss Me?

We're home! After ten days in Sunny California, Bear and I are back in Maine. I'm not kidding, either - it was sunny every day we were out there. It was hot but not humid, which is the perfect combination if you ask me. I managed to drive all the way to Boston and back without getting lost or causing an accident. That's 525 miles round trip! And I drove in the middle of the night BOTH times. You might not be impressed, but I sure as hell am. We didn't have any mishaps - our luggage was where it was supposed to be, we didn't miss any connections... overall, it was pretty much perfect.

I am going to attach several pictures. We did three major things while in CA: went to Bear's nieces wedding, visited Sea World and wandered the entire San Diego Zoo. Enjoy the pics!

~Amalia~

Countdown

A little more than 24 hours from now, Bear and I will be heading to Boston and on to California. I am so excited! Of course I'm not packed or ready to go, but once we set out on the road, it's going to be very exciting. Bear is coming home at about five from work, and he has to change the oil in my car and pack his clothes. I'm in charge of stuff for the house so that the house-sitters aren't skeeved out by the nastiness of the house we live in. *sigh* I guess I'd better get started...

Check in #2

This morning I weighed 183.2. Yeay! Progress is slow, but it IS progress.
I'm still drinking soda, but I think I've had maybe eight ounces all week... I give the rest of the can to Bear or just take a sip off of his. That way I'm avoiding craving it but still nbot sabotaging my plan to lose weight. I made macaroni and cheese last night and used real milk instead of Lactaid milk - boy, was THAT a mistake. Stomach cramps, diarrhea... a smorgasboard of pain and discomfort. Now I'm dehydrated. Ugh. I'm hitting the 100% juice and water heavy today.

For weekend plans, we are going to my parents' house for their annual Road Kill Cookout. We don't actually eat roadkill, although we do have deer, moose and turkey to eat. They were hunted legally, I promise. It's called the Road Kill Cookout because the first year they had the cookout a woman hit a deer in front of our house and gave my father the deer meat. We ate it the following year.
The cookout is a little late this year becuase my brother Moose and his new wife Red will be home for it. Moose is the Air Force Linguist of the year as well as the Department of Defense linguist of the year for last year. It's a huge thing to say that. He speaks arabic and was instrumental in uncovering intelligence in the war. His wife Red is a southern woman a few years older than him. I don't know how she puts up with him, but she does - they were married in March. The cookout is part wedding reception for them.
Of course, when I asked Mom if it were also going to be part engagement party for me, she said no. *sigh* And so the Prodigal Son strikes again....

~Amalia~

Bitten by the Wedding Bug

And it bites HARD! Yesterday I went to a bridal show. I almost didn't go because I didn't want to drive all the way to Bangor by myself and be gone for several hours when Bear and I were supposed to be spending time together. However, I made him and his best friend breakfast (eggs, bacon, moose sausage, hash browns and chocolate chip pancakes), and they agreed to go after that. It helped that Friday I killed the lawnmower and so Bear needed to buy a new one. So they dropped me off and went lawnmower shopping. I paid my ten dollar admission fee, and stepped into the Nirvana of all things wedding.
By coming to the show, you are automatically entered to win a cruise. Every fifteen minutes they had a door prize, and EVERYONE was giving away free stuff! Food, gift certificates, you name it. There were vendors there for everything imaginable: limos (I sat in the hummer limo - SO nice!), caterers, florists, DJs, dressmakers and jewelers. I got my engagement ring cleaned, got tons of information from people and even talked to a wedding planner who was SO NICE! She hires out at $40 an hour, so I might meet with her a couple of times to make sure that I've thought of everything I need to. I still want a small wedding, but I also don't want to be bothered with details the day I get married. Know what I mean? I scheduled an appointment at David's Bridal in Portland for the middle of August to look at dresses. It's too early to buy one (hell-O, I still have thirty pounds to lose!), but I want to look for designers I like and get an idea about the shape/style I want.
The MOST exciting thing about the show was American Bridal Idol. Basically it's karaoke, as sung by brides. When the started it, there were five brides signed up. After hearing the first one, I thought, "Hell, I can do at LEAST that well!" so I signed up. The grand prize was $200 worth of Jewelry by Day's Jewelers, second prize was $100 worth, and third was $75 worth. I couldn't think of what to sing, so I just wrote down a Dixie Chicks song (I know every Dixie Chicks song backwards and forwards). In hindsight, I should have done Norah Jones' "Come Away with Me," but I didn't think at the time. I was next to last to go up - and I got third place! Seven or eight women went up total. I was so excited! I won these nice sterling silver earrings with rubies in the posts. Pictures to follow (I could photograph my ring, too, if you like?).
I'm still at 184.6 lbs., but after a weekend of eating out, that's not too bad! I couldn't swim, either, because the weather has been cold and rainy. *sigh*

Rain Rain Go Away

Or don't really, because I don't want to water the garden. I guess I can't have it both ways, can I?

Speaking of rain reminds me of the camping trip Bear and I took a couple of weeks ago. It was sunny and nice all day. We went swimming in a mountain stream (COLD!), had dinner and s'mores around the campfire... all around a great day. We even played cribbage and rummy by lantern light. (That's us above).
At about ten p.m., we started hearing some thunder rumbling, so we decided to go to bed. Bear almost immediately fell asleep. I stayed awake to watch the approaching storm from the open tent flap/window. We were camping on the side of the mountain so I had a great view as it came closer, and closer, and closer...
Now let me say here that I am not normally afraid of thundershowers. That being said, I have never been out in the worst thunderstorm I've ever seen in nothing sturdier than a tent I bought at Wal Mart. It was a bad storm, too. Chain lightning arced across the sky, illuminating the tent from one side to the other, only to be followed by a hellacious crack of thunder. To judge how far away the lightning is, you count the seconds and divide by four. For example, if you get to 8, then the storm is two miles away. I started counting. "One thousand one... one thousand two... one thous-" BOOM! Another thunderclap. It's safe to say that I was scared by this point. I elbowed Bear, waking him. I pretended it was an accident. I think he picked up on my fear, as he slung an arm around me, pulled me closer, and promptly fell asleep again. I couldn't relax. The storm was so close at one point that I couldn't hear the thunder; it echoed away down the mountian away from us. Lightning was striking around us. I was sure we were going to die. If not from actual lightning, than probably from a tree falling on us.
Some part of my mind said that I was safer if I kept my eyes open. That maybe we would only get hit if I wasn't paying attention. So I watched out the window at the storm. Rain was pounding our tent, washing the ground out around the pole stakes (they stayed in, but I don't know how), battering the old tarp we'd thrown over us until it was almost all you could hear. Our friend Frenchie was in a tent about fifteen feet away, but if he'd called out, we would never have heard him.
After about twenty minutes, the storm abated a bit. It was continuing its journey, and I was relieved. I'd just about fallen asleep when I heard more thunder rumbling towards us. Another storm?!? I couldn't believe it. I "accidentally" elbowed Bear again, and whispered, "Baby, another storm is coming!" I shivered a little bit, even though it had to be 80 degrees in the tent.
"No, hon, that's the same storm... it circles around the mountain several times before it builds up enough energy to move down the mountain."
WHAT?!?!?
He was right - the storm came back twice more, stronger each time. It took hours before it finally moved off of the mountain and into town. Every time the storm would go away, I'd start to drift off, just to have it wake me up again a short time later. Each time, I was sure that this time I was going to be struck or squished.
Thankfully, we all survived. Both men laughed at my girlish fears, comfortably rested after a great night's sleep. I was a wreck, exhausted, strung out. I was glad when we packed up to go home. I slept most of the ride back into town, the sun warm on my shoulder.

Now they want to go camping again...

Funny How Something so Small...

Can have such a big impact!
Yesterday while I was running errands, I picked up a pair of swimming goggles. Bear and his best friend Frenchie and I go swimming almost daily at Schoodic Lake (in Sebec/Milo area), and they tease me because I don't open my eyes underwater. Last night I put these goggles on and BAM! What a difference. This lake is amazing clear, and with goggles on I could see so much! It was really terrific. As an added bonus, I was able to swim freestyle the correct way (with your face in the water) and swam farther and faster than I ever have before. I DEFINITELY got my cardio in yesterday. I was so proud of myself! Of course, now I feel like I slacked the other half-dozen times I went swimming, because I didn't work nearly so hard. Tonight I want to swim out past the point and back. I want to see how long it takes me and how winded I get. As the summer progresses, I'm hoping to get more efficient.
Today my plans include doing dishes and laundry, calling my mother and mowing the lawn. I'd be mowing right now but the grass is wet and I don't want to slip and lose a toe to the mower. Ouch. So I'm going to wait until 9:30ish.
The scale this morning said 184.8 That is 5.2 pounds lost so far. Yeay!

Check In #1

It's been a week since my last post. How am I doing?

• I'm still drinkning soda, but my intake is drastically reduced.
• I had pizza and lasagna two days in a row, both times without Lactaid. Let's just say I am remembering now why I am supposed to stay away from dairy! *shudder*
• I bought a scale that says I'm down from 190 to 185. Yes! 30 pounds to go.
• Last week I didn't get in my twenty minutes of activity a day (grad class took up a TON of time) but yesterday I swam and today I'm going to take a walk.
  

So are you proud of me, even a little? I am. I have been trying to remind myself why I'm doing all of this whenever I get tempted to eat too much. Bear has been awesome about reminding me, too. Yesterday I wanted to have an ice cream, and he very gently asked me if I really wanted it since I'm trying to lose weight. Once he said that, my craving died down. YES!

The picture you see in this post isn't me. It's my best friend, Beatrice Crotchrocket, and her boyfriend Rambo. I found out this weekend that they are engaged!! I'm very excited for her. They might even be married before Bear and I are - wouldn't that be weird?
I'm a little worried, that they are going to run away and get married. Not because I think they will be missing out, but because I will. She is my best friend in the entire world and I want to be there. I want to be IN it, not just be there. I've never been in a wedding before, and after Bea's I don't want to be in another one (except mine, of course). I can't be her maid of honor, but I want to be a member of the wedding party so that I can help plan her bachelorette party, so I can help move the mountain of gifts to her apartment after the reception, so that I can hold the dollars for the dollar dance. To me, it's a way of showing how much I love and support her. I haven't always done a great job of showing that.

Of course, Bear tells me (and he's right) that it's her wedding and she can do it however she wants. I understand this on a theoretical level, but I WANT TO BE IN HER WEDDING! Is that selfish? Of course it is. I will work on getting over it. And besides, I'm not even sure if she would want me in her wedding if it was local, let alone far away. *sigh*

As for my own wedding, the plans are coming along fine. I'm not in the spotlight any more (my brother the conquiering hero is bringing his new wife home, and my parents are throwing them a party). My parents aren't throwing me a party. Maybe I'll get one next year.

~Amalia~

355 Days and Counting

355 days until Bear and I get married. Ten days shy of a year. It sounds like a long time, but I can almost guarantee it will fly by. I realized last week that if I'm going to get into shape for the wedding (who wants to look gross in their pictures?!), I had better get going! I weighed myself two days ago, and the scale said 190 pounds!!!!!! I was in SHOCK. How did I get so fat? When I met my last boyfriend I weighed 134 pounds. I want so much to be back to that. I'd settle for 150 if I had some muscle tone to go with it. But 190 is simply unacceptable. The bare minimum I'd be happy with is 154. That means I need to lose about 36 pounds.
Decision time. How am I going to lose 36 pounds? It works out to three pounds a month, or 10,500 calories (one pound of fat is about 3,500 calories). THAT works out to 350 calories a day. 350 calories is one pepsi and an oreo cookie. If all I had to do is give that up, it'd be easy!
Below is a list of resolutions. For the next several weeks, I am going to be checking in on how I'm doing. I hope to buy my own scale this week, and I have a tape measure too. Bear will measure me to insure impartiality.

Resolutions:

1. No more soda! Water and 100% fruit juice are best. Crystal light is okay, and iced tea will work in a pinch.
2. At least twenty minutes of cardio every day. Sex counts, as long as I'm on top. :)
3. Fruit for breakfast whenever possible. Bananas are great, as is watermelon. I'm beginning to enjoy cherries, too.
4. Stay away from dairy! I'm lactose intolerant, so this one shouldn't be too difficult. However, taking a lactaid makes it all too easy to eat Dairy Queen. Do they have frozen yogurt?
5. Wait at least half an hour before eating dessert. Often if I do this, I end up not craving it.

How have I done so far?

In the last five days, I have played tennis (1), gone swimming (3) and biked (1), adding up to five days of physical activity IN A ROW. I've had a couple of sodas in that time, but I have cut back. I need to work on upping my water intake next. This morning for breakfast I had a banana and a cherry (then I broke down and had two crackers with sharp cheese). Still, it's something.

Bear has been great about motivating me, although I think he feels bad - he views it as nagging, when I view it as much needed encouragement. "I can resist anything but temptation," someone once said. Bear must be my willpower at least until I start to see results.

156 here I come!!

~Amalia~