Crunch Time

And I mean that in more than one way.

Bear and I did our budget last night, and the results are less than pleasant. I had to take a sizeable pay cut for this job, and where before things were tight, they are now excrutiating. There will be no more eating out, no more movies or video games. We simply can't afford it. In six or eight months things will ease because we are getting a home loan to pay off the last of our debt, but eight months of my cooking is a very long time. I may have to look at taking a second job, and Bear is trying to work lots of overtime to help boost our financial situation. We're gonna make it, but it isn't going to be fun.
After a week of trying, I am back at 182.6 pounds. I ate out a LOT last weekend and skyrocketed back up to 185 at one point! I was so disappointed with myself. Granted, I was in a car the whole day and didn't have many options, but that isn't really an excuse. Yesterday was a good food day, and today has been okay, too. I'm good until I get home from work and then I pig out. How can I stop this?
I am going to do my yoga DVD tonight, for the first time in a week - yeay! I actually miss it. I bought a yoga mat, too, so now I don't have to lay on the floor that is covered in cat hair and smells like dog pee. I think you'll agree that the mat is an improvement. Bear is working late tonight (the aforementioned overtime), so I might try to mow some of the lawn as well. The sky looks kind of gray, but hopefully the rain will hold off. I have laundry to hang out still, anyway.

Speaking of Bear, I think it's time that he gets another list of reasons why I love him. He really is the best man in the world. So this is for you, baby! I hope you enjoy.

I love you for your dimple
I love when you institute the new rule
I love the way you convince me
I love how you always hold my hand
I love when you help me jump down from things
I love your crazy hair
I love how happy your Patriots blanket makes you
I love when you back me up
I love you for giving me Shota
I love your text messages
I love the way you call my mom "Mom"
I love you for helping me when I'm sick
I love when you take me for a ride
I love you for thinking about going back to school
I love how you tolerating my picking
I love you for your laugh
I love how safe you make me feel
I love how you promise me forever.

I love you, Bear!

~Amalia~

And how was your first day?

My first day back to school was a long one. I am new to this district, so while everyone was squealing, "oh my God, how ARE you?" I was sitting there, the odd teacher out. People seem to be nice and are very welcoming, but it's always tough to be the new kid, you know?
On the plus side, this job is going to have some nice perks. For one, we get the use of a laptop that is brand spankin' new - we can take it home, keep it over the summer, everything. So basically I just got a new laptop. Yeay! My old one is now basically just a holder for all of my mp3's. When we get a new desktop computer this spring, I will transfer all of my files over to it and wipe my old comp. Maybe I'll sell it - it's a good machine, I just don't need it.
Also, my room is HUGE. I'm going to have room for a couch and comfy chairs at some point. I can't wait! My classes will be pretty small, so there will be tons of room to move around. I have most of tomorrow to get my classroom in order. I can hardly wait.
Bear took the day of today, as he has been feeling really under the weather lately. Poor guy, he works so hard all week and then I have a huge list of stuff for him to do each weekend. We're really starting to feel the pinch of cooler weather, too - there is so much to get done before cold weather really hits. He got lots of rest today, and it was nice having him home when I got home, even though it meant I didn't get to do my yoga DVD today. Three days 0ff - I miss it. I never thoguht I'd say that, but it's true. After two days I was sore, but it felt good. It is obvious to me that I have not worked my body at all lately. I might end up alternating the two DVDs over the course of the week so that I don't get bored with them, but we'll see.
Tomorrow is another long day, but hopefully also a good one. Think of me while you are out enjoying the summer weather!
~Amalia~

Happy Early Birthday!

Happy early birthday to Bear! His birthday is actually the 29th, but his party is tonight. I baked the cake this morning, and still have to decorate it. It is a Pillsbury Cookies and Cream cake with real Oreos! You didn't think I was making it from scratch, did you? I laugh at you. ;)
I have all of his presensts purchased, all though I may keep one present to give to him on Tuesday. His sister from California is in town, and I know she will want to throw him a party, so maybe I'll keep one gift just as a personal token from me to him. I know which one it's going to be, too.
He is the biggest kid ever. He doesn't want anyone to buy him presents, but once he knows you have, he can't stop asking you to give him hints about what it is or how much money you spent. I'm afraid I spent more money on him that he's going to be happy with, but you know what? He doesn't ever get to be spoiled. Both of his parents are gone, and his sisters were estranged until recently. I strongly believe, no, I KNOW that everyone deserves to be spoiled a little bit.

So I am going to do just that.

Truly, it is better to give than to receive, because seeing him open those gifts - the things he really wanted but wouldn't ask for - is going to be the best part of my day. I can't wait.

~Amalia~

An End to Procrastination

And DAMN, it feels good!

This morning, feeling much recovered from my migraine, I decided to actually do my yoga DVD for the first time. It's actually called "Crunch - Yoga Pilates blend" or something like that. Anyway, I watched it last week, but didn't actually DO any of the moves.
I had no more excuses. I looked at my wedding gown pictures again (see previous post) and got to work. I don't have a mat and the carpet smells a little like dog pee, but it was a very satisfying workout. I feel all stretched out and tight at the same time. I am really going to try to do it again tomorrow. The reviews on Amazon.com said that people saw results after just two weeks - my plan is to see if that's the case. Two weeks from today is September 6. Let's hope I at least can touch my toes again in that time!

I'm off to school to get my classroom in order for next week. Talk soon!

~Amalia~

Ugh

Last night, when Bear came home, I was really hungry. He got in the shower while I made my dinner - the Mondo Sandwich. Here's how you make it:
Toast two pieces of oatmeal bread
Slather both slices with Light Miracle Whip
Place a slice of cheese on top of the miracle whip (two slices)
Lay four pieces of turkey on one side
Place four strips of bacon on the other
Fill the middle with a mountain of shredded lettuce

and voila!

I also added macaroni salad I had left over. As I cooked some leftover curly fries, something strange started happening. I knew I was looking at the fries, but I could only see half of them. Oh no, I thought. That means migraine.
I was right - that was a warning sign of a migraine that was about to strike me down. I put the Mondo Sandwich, macaroni salad and fries on the back of the stove where the dog couldn't get it and laid on the couch. Sure enough, in a few minutes my vision was fuzzy and the pain began. Not hungry any more, I told Bear I had made him dinner (he was fresh out of the shower at this point), and went upstairs in tears.
I hate migraines. They are totally debilitating. I have two prescription meds for them (which I took), but they take forever to work. Add to that the fact that Bear has never seen me have a migraine, and I was very unhappy.
There were, however, two pieces of good news: One, I caught it in time so that I didn't throw up. IF you're a migraine sufferer, you know how much WORSE they are if you throw up the meds. Two (and Im going to Hell for thinking this), I weighed in at 181.2 this morning. That's three pounds! I know that I will gain it back as soon as I eat something, but it cheered me to see that number on the scale. I was almost tempted to see how long I could go w/out eating to maximize the weight loss, but teetered back from that scary cliff edge as fast as I could. I want to lose weight, but I most definitely do NOT want an eating disorder. I'm actually off to find something for breakfast now. I'm thinking juice and toast to start. Maybe I'll try the Mondo Sandwich again tonight for dinner.

~Amalia~

Some Pictures (finally)

http://www.kodakgallery.com/ShareLandingSignin.jsp?Uc=5c8am8r.6dcskp7v&Uy=-sdxh6k&Upost_signin=Slideshow.jsp%3Fmode%3Dfromshare&Ux=0

That website should take you to a slide show of pictures from this weekend. I like to call it, "Adventures in Wedding Dress Shopping!" Let me know which dress you like best. The current favorite right now is the red one.

All the pictures were taken by my friend Terrilyn (there is one pic of her and her mother in the mix) - didn't she do an awesome job?


~Amalia~

Frustrated

I'm thrilled - I have a new job! That's great news, considering that I was about to be officially unemployed. This job will provide me opportunities to collaborate with colleagues, work with students that most need my help, apply skills and strategies from what I've learned in my graduate program - in short, everything I've been looking for.
Unfortunately, it also comes with a $3,000 pay cut (approximately) once you figure in tzxes and health insurance. It's only a half-time teaching position; the other half is Ed Teching. I should be thrilled. I AM thrilled. But it sucks that as soon as the state raises minimum teacher salaries, I take a pay CUT. I was supposed to get a $1,500 raise this year! That was what I was going to use for my wedding. Now I dont' know WHAT I'm going to use. *sigh*

Add that to two other pieces of news I got relating to my degree that make me unhappy: One, my old district is refusing to pay for the class I took this summer because I'm not coming back this fall. This AFTER they approved me to take the class!!! It was a six credit class, too, so now I have to come up with $1,300 to pay for that before I can take any more classes.
Two, I was supposed to present a 90 minute workshop for other teachers this fall at a conferece, but was informed that now all I'm getting is a roundtable - basically a corner of a room with pamphlets that I give to people as they look at my stuff for a GRAND TOTAL of FIFTEEN MINUTES! I'm so PISSED! Now I have to rework the entire workshop into something that it's not - I'm very displeased about this. Can you tell?

The one good thing that happened today was I killed some spiders. It was tough work - those suckers were HUGE! They had a ton of babies, too. I sprayed them all, though, so they should be dead by now. I'm going to take down their webs here in a minute or two.

~Amalia~

One and a half months Gone

And what do I have? A net weight loss of three pounds. And I was doing so well! I was on the cusp of 182, and now I'm back to 186. 186.4, to be exact. I'm frustrated, I'm down, but I'm not giving up. Yesterday was both a success and a failure - I mowed most of our lawn yesterday with a push mower (yeay!) and then pigged out at the Sebec Country Store and Diner (12" ham and bacon hoagie with cheese and mayo, curly fries and macaroni salad. I even had two bites of Bear's Mozzarella sticks!). All told, I probably ate twice as many calories as I burned.
Lucky for me, I did get my new issue of Women's Health yesterday. It motivated me to finally buy the two yoga DVD's I've had my eye on for about a month. I always loved Yoga and it doesn't require any special equipment. I should be getting them just in time to go back to school. When will I have the time to do them, you ask? When I get home from school before Bear gets home. Yoga made a difference in my body when I was going to the Y. I'm hoping it will make a diference again.
I am also going to finish mowing the lawn this afternoon. I have one big section left. If I'm feeling up to it after, I might go for a short walk. Anything to help relieve me of the guilt I'm feeling. I want to be hot again. I want it with a burning intensity. So I have to stop making excuses and DO something!
Right after I bring Bear his lunch at work. ;)

~Amalia~

PS My California pics are too large for blogger. I am working on getting some cut down so I can post them.

Just Kidding

Okay, the pics aren't posting. I'm going to have Bear help me and then maybe it'll work. Stay tuned.

~Amalia~

Didja Miss Me?

We're home! After ten days in Sunny California, Bear and I are back in Maine. I'm not kidding, either - it was sunny every day we were out there. It was hot but not humid, which is the perfect combination if you ask me. I managed to drive all the way to Boston and back without getting lost or causing an accident. That's 525 miles round trip! And I drove in the middle of the night BOTH times. You might not be impressed, but I sure as hell am. We didn't have any mishaps - our luggage was where it was supposed to be, we didn't miss any connections... overall, it was pretty much perfect.

I am going to attach several pictures. We did three major things while in CA: went to Bear's nieces wedding, visited Sea World and wandered the entire San Diego Zoo. Enjoy the pics!

~Amalia~

Countdown

A little more than 24 hours from now, Bear and I will be heading to Boston and on to California. I am so excited! Of course I'm not packed or ready to go, but once we set out on the road, it's going to be very exciting. Bear is coming home at about five from work, and he has to change the oil in my car and pack his clothes. I'm in charge of stuff for the house so that the house-sitters aren't skeeved out by the nastiness of the house we live in. *sigh* I guess I'd better get started...

Check in #2

This morning I weighed 183.2. Yeay! Progress is slow, but it IS progress.
I'm still drinking soda, but I think I've had maybe eight ounces all week... I give the rest of the can to Bear or just take a sip off of his. That way I'm avoiding craving it but still nbot sabotaging my plan to lose weight. I made macaroni and cheese last night and used real milk instead of Lactaid milk - boy, was THAT a mistake. Stomach cramps, diarrhea... a smorgasboard of pain and discomfort. Now I'm dehydrated. Ugh. I'm hitting the 100% juice and water heavy today.

For weekend plans, we are going to my parents' house for their annual Road Kill Cookout. We don't actually eat roadkill, although we do have deer, moose and turkey to eat. They were hunted legally, I promise. It's called the Road Kill Cookout because the first year they had the cookout a woman hit a deer in front of our house and gave my father the deer meat. We ate it the following year.
The cookout is a little late this year becuase my brother Moose and his new wife Red will be home for it. Moose is the Air Force Linguist of the year as well as the Department of Defense linguist of the year for last year. It's a huge thing to say that. He speaks arabic and was instrumental in uncovering intelligence in the war. His wife Red is a southern woman a few years older than him. I don't know how she puts up with him, but she does - they were married in March. The cookout is part wedding reception for them.
Of course, when I asked Mom if it were also going to be part engagement party for me, she said no. *sigh* And so the Prodigal Son strikes again....

~Amalia~

Bitten by the Wedding Bug

And it bites HARD! Yesterday I went to a bridal show. I almost didn't go because I didn't want to drive all the way to Bangor by myself and be gone for several hours when Bear and I were supposed to be spending time together. However, I made him and his best friend breakfast (eggs, bacon, moose sausage, hash browns and chocolate chip pancakes), and they agreed to go after that. It helped that Friday I killed the lawnmower and so Bear needed to buy a new one. So they dropped me off and went lawnmower shopping. I paid my ten dollar admission fee, and stepped into the Nirvana of all things wedding.
By coming to the show, you are automatically entered to win a cruise. Every fifteen minutes they had a door prize, and EVERYONE was giving away free stuff! Food, gift certificates, you name it. There were vendors there for everything imaginable: limos (I sat in the hummer limo - SO nice!), caterers, florists, DJs, dressmakers and jewelers. I got my engagement ring cleaned, got tons of information from people and even talked to a wedding planner who was SO NICE! She hires out at $40 an hour, so I might meet with her a couple of times to make sure that I've thought of everything I need to. I still want a small wedding, but I also don't want to be bothered with details the day I get married. Know what I mean? I scheduled an appointment at David's Bridal in Portland for the middle of August to look at dresses. It's too early to buy one (hell-O, I still have thirty pounds to lose!), but I want to look for designers I like and get an idea about the shape/style I want.
The MOST exciting thing about the show was American Bridal Idol. Basically it's karaoke, as sung by brides. When the started it, there were five brides signed up. After hearing the first one, I thought, "Hell, I can do at LEAST that well!" so I signed up. The grand prize was $200 worth of Jewelry by Day's Jewelers, second prize was $100 worth, and third was $75 worth. I couldn't think of what to sing, so I just wrote down a Dixie Chicks song (I know every Dixie Chicks song backwards and forwards). In hindsight, I should have done Norah Jones' "Come Away with Me," but I didn't think at the time. I was next to last to go up - and I got third place! Seven or eight women went up total. I was so excited! I won these nice sterling silver earrings with rubies in the posts. Pictures to follow (I could photograph my ring, too, if you like?).
I'm still at 184.6 lbs., but after a weekend of eating out, that's not too bad! I couldn't swim, either, because the weather has been cold and rainy. *sigh*

Rain Rain Go Away

Or don't really, because I don't want to water the garden. I guess I can't have it both ways, can I?

Speaking of rain reminds me of the camping trip Bear and I took a couple of weeks ago. It was sunny and nice all day. We went swimming in a mountain stream (COLD!), had dinner and s'mores around the campfire... all around a great day. We even played cribbage and rummy by lantern light. (That's us above).
At about ten p.m., we started hearing some thunder rumbling, so we decided to go to bed. Bear almost immediately fell asleep. I stayed awake to watch the approaching storm from the open tent flap/window. We were camping on the side of the mountain so I had a great view as it came closer, and closer, and closer...
Now let me say here that I am not normally afraid of thundershowers. That being said, I have never been out in the worst thunderstorm I've ever seen in nothing sturdier than a tent I bought at Wal Mart. It was a bad storm, too. Chain lightning arced across the sky, illuminating the tent from one side to the other, only to be followed by a hellacious crack of thunder. To judge how far away the lightning is, you count the seconds and divide by four. For example, if you get to 8, then the storm is two miles away. I started counting. "One thousand one... one thousand two... one thous-" BOOM! Another thunderclap. It's safe to say that I was scared by this point. I elbowed Bear, waking him. I pretended it was an accident. I think he picked up on my fear, as he slung an arm around me, pulled me closer, and promptly fell asleep again. I couldn't relax. The storm was so close at one point that I couldn't hear the thunder; it echoed away down the mountian away from us. Lightning was striking around us. I was sure we were going to die. If not from actual lightning, than probably from a tree falling on us.
Some part of my mind said that I was safer if I kept my eyes open. That maybe we would only get hit if I wasn't paying attention. So I watched out the window at the storm. Rain was pounding our tent, washing the ground out around the pole stakes (they stayed in, but I don't know how), battering the old tarp we'd thrown over us until it was almost all you could hear. Our friend Frenchie was in a tent about fifteen feet away, but if he'd called out, we would never have heard him.
After about twenty minutes, the storm abated a bit. It was continuing its journey, and I was relieved. I'd just about fallen asleep when I heard more thunder rumbling towards us. Another storm?!? I couldn't believe it. I "accidentally" elbowed Bear again, and whispered, "Baby, another storm is coming!" I shivered a little bit, even though it had to be 80 degrees in the tent.
"No, hon, that's the same storm... it circles around the mountain several times before it builds up enough energy to move down the mountain."
WHAT?!?!?
He was right - the storm came back twice more, stronger each time. It took hours before it finally moved off of the mountain and into town. Every time the storm would go away, I'd start to drift off, just to have it wake me up again a short time later. Each time, I was sure that this time I was going to be struck or squished.
Thankfully, we all survived. Both men laughed at my girlish fears, comfortably rested after a great night's sleep. I was a wreck, exhausted, strung out. I was glad when we packed up to go home. I slept most of the ride back into town, the sun warm on my shoulder.

Now they want to go camping again...

Funny How Something so Small...

Can have such a big impact!
Yesterday while I was running errands, I picked up a pair of swimming goggles. Bear and his best friend Frenchie and I go swimming almost daily at Schoodic Lake (in Sebec/Milo area), and they tease me because I don't open my eyes underwater. Last night I put these goggles on and BAM! What a difference. This lake is amazing clear, and with goggles on I could see so much! It was really terrific. As an added bonus, I was able to swim freestyle the correct way (with your face in the water) and swam farther and faster than I ever have before. I DEFINITELY got my cardio in yesterday. I was so proud of myself! Of course, now I feel like I slacked the other half-dozen times I went swimming, because I didn't work nearly so hard. Tonight I want to swim out past the point and back. I want to see how long it takes me and how winded I get. As the summer progresses, I'm hoping to get more efficient.
Today my plans include doing dishes and laundry, calling my mother and mowing the lawn. I'd be mowing right now but the grass is wet and I don't want to slip and lose a toe to the mower. Ouch. So I'm going to wait until 9:30ish.
The scale this morning said 184.8 That is 5.2 pounds lost so far. Yeay!

Check In #1

It's been a week since my last post. How am I doing?

• I'm still drinkning soda, but my intake is drastically reduced.
• I had pizza and lasagna two days in a row, both times without Lactaid. Let's just say I am remembering now why I am supposed to stay away from dairy! *shudder*
• I bought a scale that says I'm down from 190 to 185. Yes! 30 pounds to go.
• Last week I didn't get in my twenty minutes of activity a day (grad class took up a TON of time) but yesterday I swam and today I'm going to take a walk.
  

So are you proud of me, even a little? I am. I have been trying to remind myself why I'm doing all of this whenever I get tempted to eat too much. Bear has been awesome about reminding me, too. Yesterday I wanted to have an ice cream, and he very gently asked me if I really wanted it since I'm trying to lose weight. Once he said that, my craving died down. YES!

The picture you see in this post isn't me. It's my best friend, Beatrice Crotchrocket, and her boyfriend Rambo. I found out this weekend that they are engaged!! I'm very excited for her. They might even be married before Bear and I are - wouldn't that be weird?
I'm a little worried, that they are going to run away and get married. Not because I think they will be missing out, but because I will. She is my best friend in the entire world and I want to be there. I want to be IN it, not just be there. I've never been in a wedding before, and after Bea's I don't want to be in another one (except mine, of course). I can't be her maid of honor, but I want to be a member of the wedding party so that I can help plan her bachelorette party, so I can help move the mountain of gifts to her apartment after the reception, so that I can hold the dollars for the dollar dance. To me, it's a way of showing how much I love and support her. I haven't always done a great job of showing that.

Of course, Bear tells me (and he's right) that it's her wedding and she can do it however she wants. I understand this on a theoretical level, but I WANT TO BE IN HER WEDDING! Is that selfish? Of course it is. I will work on getting over it. And besides, I'm not even sure if she would want me in her wedding if it was local, let alone far away. *sigh*

As for my own wedding, the plans are coming along fine. I'm not in the spotlight any more (my brother the conquiering hero is bringing his new wife home, and my parents are throwing them a party). My parents aren't throwing me a party. Maybe I'll get one next year.

~Amalia~

355 Days and Counting

355 days until Bear and I get married. Ten days shy of a year. It sounds like a long time, but I can almost guarantee it will fly by. I realized last week that if I'm going to get into shape for the wedding (who wants to look gross in their pictures?!), I had better get going! I weighed myself two days ago, and the scale said 190 pounds!!!!!! I was in SHOCK. How did I get so fat? When I met my last boyfriend I weighed 134 pounds. I want so much to be back to that. I'd settle for 150 if I had some muscle tone to go with it. But 190 is simply unacceptable. The bare minimum I'd be happy with is 154. That means I need to lose about 36 pounds.
Decision time. How am I going to lose 36 pounds? It works out to three pounds a month, or 10,500 calories (one pound of fat is about 3,500 calories). THAT works out to 350 calories a day. 350 calories is one pepsi and an oreo cookie. If all I had to do is give that up, it'd be easy!
Below is a list of resolutions. For the next several weeks, I am going to be checking in on how I'm doing. I hope to buy my own scale this week, and I have a tape measure too. Bear will measure me to insure impartiality.

Resolutions:

1. No more soda! Water and 100% fruit juice are best. Crystal light is okay, and iced tea will work in a pinch.
2. At least twenty minutes of cardio every day. Sex counts, as long as I'm on top. :)
3. Fruit for breakfast whenever possible. Bananas are great, as is watermelon. I'm beginning to enjoy cherries, too.
4. Stay away from dairy! I'm lactose intolerant, so this one shouldn't be too difficult. However, taking a lactaid makes it all too easy to eat Dairy Queen. Do they have frozen yogurt?
5. Wait at least half an hour before eating dessert. Often if I do this, I end up not craving it.

How have I done so far?

In the last five days, I have played tennis (1), gone swimming (3) and biked (1), adding up to five days of physical activity IN A ROW. I've had a couple of sodas in that time, but I have cut back. I need to work on upping my water intake next. This morning for breakfast I had a banana and a cherry (then I broke down and had two crackers with sharp cheese). Still, it's something.

Bear has been great about motivating me, although I think he feels bad - he views it as nagging, when I view it as much needed encouragement. "I can resist anything but temptation," someone once said. Bear must be my willpower at least until I start to see results.

156 here I come!!

~Amalia~

Short on Time, Long on Emotion

I'm on my lunch break so I don't have a lot of time, but I wanted to write a quick post because there are some things that need to be said.
First and most important: Bear, I love you. More now than ever before, and no class, job, or other distraction can ever take that away from us. Never have I met such a unique and multi-faceted human being. You entrance, delight and amaze me daily. I am thankful for your love, for all that we have built, for all that we will have in the future.
Second: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have been so wrapped up in myself lately that I haven't had time to take care of your emotional or physical needs. I apologize for cutting our talks short, for not remembering, for not being there for you, in every sense of that phrase. And even more than that I'm sorry because I can't promise you that it won't happen again. I can promise that I will try my very hardest never to make you feel that way again.
Third: Please understand. This experience has already begun to transform who I am as a teacher, a writer, a human being. The best transformations, the ones that last, are always the most painful. And I don't just mean for me. Please allow me to be the person I am becoming, one who is finally, after so many years, finding the words.

Finally, I am finding the words.

~Amalia~

End of an Era

I am officially unemployed. I'm not happy.
While most teachers are enjoying the start of their summer vacations, I am hunched over a computer, looking at classfieds, trying to find a job for next year. I have had one interview (Foxcroft Academy), but no response to three other applications I have sent out. I'm trying hard not to be discouraged, but it's tough!
What am I doing looking for a job, you ask? There's not any easy way to say it, I guess - they weren't going to renew my contract, so I had to resign. Much better to leave than be kicked out is sort of the philosophy. Am I upset? Sorta yes and sorta no. I wasn't happy where I was teaching, but it was at least a job. I loved the kids and will miss them next year. I won't miss the administration or many of my co workers, though. They were not good to work with. I hope wherever I end up, it's a happier place for me. I'm tired of looking for a home, and I'm tired of feeling the shame that comes with being told you're not good enough, that they don't want you.

My life with Bear is going perfectly, at least. My parents love him which is a huge step. I haven't told them that we're engaged yet, but I will by my birthday. I told my mom that I didn't think it would be too far away (I think she kind of knows that anyway). His family knows and most of our friends know. The wedding plans are coming together, too. I hope to take a trip to Portland this fall and look at dresses. I have an idea what I want already. I'm going to try to convince my parents to let us have the ceremony at their house, down to the pond. It will be a simple, casual affair with a potluck reception. I'm so excited! I didn't know that it was possible to be this happy, even when the rest of my life is shit. Bear is taking me camping this weekend for my birthday. We are having a picnic lunch at the top of Cadillac Mountain and then we are going to cruise around Acadia National Park and Bar Harbor for the rest of the day. I can't WAIT!

~Amalia~

Over and Over Again

So it seems to me that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm nearing the end of my second year at my job, and I've been informed that my contract is not being renewed. This is the second time in three years. I'm trying very hard not to feel ashamed, to not feel as though I am a bad person (or worse, a bad teacher). It's difficult, but I'm managing. At least this time I saw it coming, knew that I was on the chopping block. I don't know, maybe that's worse, knowing you weren't going to be kept on and being unable to do anything about it.

With the notable exception of my career, life is actually pretty good right now. Bear and I are finalizing plans to take a ten day trip to California this August. His niece is getting married, and while we are there for it, we are going to do the tourist thing and go to the San Diego Zoo and Sea World and some other neat things. I should be visiting my brother in Arizona this summer, too.
Further, my grad class is all lined up for the summer - six credits of writing goodness, and my curent district has to pay for it. Yeay! I still have two incompletes to deal with, but no worries there. I am realy hoping that this grad class is all I'm hoping it will be.
Lastly, Bear is more wonderful than ever. He's been so supportive through all that the last few weeks have brought. He's truly been the reason I'm not in a deep well of self-pity right now. He's so good about getting me to see the good out of every bad situation, to think that it really might just be alright. If I didn't have him, I don't know what I'd do.
Going forward from here, I'm going to try to work out my time with as much professionalism as possible. I'm going to look forward to summer, do what I have to do at school, and concentrate on creating forward momentum.

What else can I do?
~Amalia~