Caring for Bear

Getting into the swing of things

2011-09-13T13:57:00.000-05:00

So I've been working at my new school for about three weeks. It's both better and worse than I expected. The school itself is better - the kids are terrific and the staff is doing some really neat things, curriculum wise. In this school I'll be able to work together with other teachers, which I wasn't able to do before.

Being by myself in the apartment completely stinks. I am afraid of the dark so every night I have to sleep in a position that allows me to see the door and also see my nightlight. I had to move the nightlight three times to get it in a place that lights the room without keeping me awake. Every noise wakes me up, and sleeping alone is ... well, it's lonely. I am so much more at peace with Bear around. I worry constantly about whether my locks are locked and if someone is trying to look in my window. I have no tv and no internet (internet comes on Thursday) so I have nothing to distract me from my neuroses. I can dye fiber and yarn for the business, but there's only so much I can do in a day. Hopefully once I have the web I can skype with Bear and my friends, but until then I'm just completely isolated. It's not what I wanted, for sure.

It sounds like I'm having a miserable time and I'm really not - like I said, there are good things happening here. But my emotions are up and down and all over the place because I miss Bear so much it hurts. I live for the weekends, when I can go home and just hang out. Just *be* there, next to him, where I feel most at home.

Is it summer yet?

ARgh!

2011-07-28T08:22:00.003-05:00

One of the main reasons I'm leaving the school district I've been in for the last five years is because I was tired of being screwed over (and around). I had had enough of being told one thing and another thing happening. It was constant and it was draining. Exhausting, really.

I thought this new district would be different.

I received my contract in the mail on Wednesday. In it were two papers - one saying that I needed to return it by Thursday, the other saying that they misquoted my salary and they were sorry. The new amount? Almost two THOUSAND dollars less.

I emailed the HR lady (who is very nice) and asked that I be given until Friday to get the contract signed and returned, as I am teaching summer school and needed time to look it over. She agreed and this morning I took some time to look it over.

I ended up with four pretty big issues/questions about the contract. Not the least of which is that the pay scale in the contract is different from the single page pay scale they are using to quote me my salary. I'd like to THINK that this was just a mistake, but I'm worried that they are pulling an East Millinocket tactic - the old bait-and-switch.

I'm sick to my stomach that this place may in fact be no better than the last place. I'm trying to hard to keep from making any snap judgments, but I've got a bad feeling about this.

Sigh.

Getting On With It

2011-07-26T09:51:00.002-05:00

This week and last I have been teaching summer school at my new district. I'm driving there and back each day (two hour drives both ways), but it's good money and good weather so I don't mind so much. The kids have actually been pretty excellent, with one exception. That exception broke her tailbone last weekend, so perhaps Karma helped me out a bit there.

Now that I'm down here every day, I've begun the search for living accommodations. I have a picture in my head of what life will be like down here and I'm hoping to find something that resembles that picture at least a little bit.

Ideally I'd like something in the actual town the school is in, thus making my commute short. The shorter the better, in my opinion. I don't want to be away from home AND have a big gas bill anyway. And since we're speaking of ideal, I'd like to rent a house instead of an apartment - I really like my quiet time.

I do, however, own a dog and have a husband, both of whom will be visiting me a couple of weekends a month. This is proving complicating since many of the places that are available say no pets. I'm hoping my wit and charm will grant me an exception.

I have all of August to myself as far as summer vacation goes. I'll be doing a lot of work for the fiber and yarn business so that I can give myself a couple of weeks to get situated down here. I will also be snorgling the hubs, cats, and dog to store up for the weeks I'll be away from home. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about how this situation will turn out. I'm hoping that it will be better than expected, rather than worse.

Wish me luck. I'll post pics of the place I'll be renting once I have them.

Decisions

2011-07-01T05:41:00.004-05:00

The last time I posted, there were changes coming and decisions to be made. Well, change came - and Bear and I did make some decisions. They haven't been announced to everyone yet, but the blog is a pretty safe place to start since like three people read it.

I have accepted a teaching position in a coastal high school. It is just about two hours away from home, so I will be looking for a place to rent down there. I will stay down there during the week, and come home on weekends and vacations. Some weekends, Bear and Jackson will be coming down to see me so we can all explore the coast and Bear can get out of town.

This situation isn't ideal. Since we became a couple, Bear and I haven't spent a night apart. We celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary yesterday, and have been together almost six years. That's a long time, and that change will be the hardest to handle. It's already affecting us, and I haven't even left yet. I know that Bear, especially, will feel this separation, as he won't have things to keep him busy at night (I have the yarn business to occupy the hours between school and sleep). We will have Skype and cell phones, of course, but that's really not the same. I know Bear will worry about me - it's what he does - and I've never been one to handle being on my own very well.

However, there are some really good things coming from this change. The district I'm joining is ridiculously excited to have me. They offered me the position about five hours after my interview, which is a record for me. I joined the staff yesterday for a professional development day so I could meet with the staff coaches and English chair, and everyone was *SO* nice. I think I can be happy there, professionally. They are a staff that is willing to work and change and collaborate; these are traits that I have not had in co-workers before. There are also opportunities to make extra money. I was in the building about five minutes before they offered me a summer school position that pays $27.50 an HOUR and I'd get paid for five hours a day and work only four. Even if I drive two hours both ways I'm still making good money. I haven't made up my mind, but I am thinking about it.

The best thing about this job is the knowledge that I'll be making a step towards our dreams. We've wanted to be on the coast for a long time. There has never been any forward progress on that dream. By making the tough choice we are actually going to move in the direction of our dreams. And that, is a very cool thing.

Ch-Ch-Change ...

2011-06-13T15:00:00.002-05:00

Big changes are potentially afoot here at CFB Central. I have no idea what this change will look like, but the goal is to make some major changes to our lives in order to gain ground on our dreams.

The elementary school that I work at is closing after this school year. Many, many cuts have been made (and continue to be made). While I am reasonably "safe," this could change at any moment. In fact, last week I was laid off and then un-laid off less than 24 hours later.

The time has come. I need to move on.

Due to our state's tough economic situation, changes are being made to Maine State Retirement, which all Maine Teachers pay into. In order to escape those changes, many teachers are retiring *now.* There are more high school English Teacher positions open now than there have been in the last three years combined. It's a good time to be looking for an English job.

Problem: most of these jobs require a move from where we are now.
Problem: Bear cannot move right now, as he needs to have major surgery next year and gets short term disability where he is now. It's a secure job, and one he should keep.

So what does that mean? It means if I can find a decent teaching job, I'm going to be moving.

By myself.

While our relationship is strong and we will continue to be together, the truth of the matter is that if we ever want to move out of Brownville and to the coast, I'm going to have to get a job down there and work. I hope to find a position, an efficiency apartment or cheap house to rent, and live down there during the week. I will come home on weekends and vacations. It's not ideal (or even easy), but we think it is what's best for us. I will be making 10-15k more a year teaching and not commuting than I will ed teching at a district that is 41 miles away. Gas alone is more than $300 a month. I imagine that I'm a desirable tenant to most landlords - professional woman with no kids or pets who works at the local school sounds pretty good. If I'm incredibly lucky I will find someone who owns a house but doesn't want it to sit empty and will let me live there and just pay utilities. Sounds impossible, but it DOES happen.

So now it's a matter of finding the right job. I had one interview already and another is scheduled for Wednesday. The first job is about 50/50 on the pro/con list. I'm hoping for better results from the next interview. Either of the two applications I sent out today would be fantastic places to live.

Problem: What if a so-so district makes an offer before I hear from one of my first choices? GAH. This is so much harder to decide on than I thought. What I really need is for a clear path to be laid out in front of me. That's not too much to ask, is it?

I will keep you all up-to-date on what's happening. Cross your fingers for me, won't you?

'Tis the Season

2011-05-26T07:27:00.002-05:00

Every year it's a big question mark as to whether or not I'll suffer seasonal allergies. Some years I have no real symptoms at all, and others I'm in hell. May has been a *very* rainy month, and the rain keeps my allergy symptoms to a minimum. However yesterday we had a single day full of sunshine, clear skies, and warm temperatures (70s).

I think I'm dying.

Seriously. I cannot stop sneezing! And I don't just sneeze once or twice ... oh, no. My sneezes come in fits of up to twenty at a time. Most average in the six to ten range. Do you have any idea how hard it is to drive when you're having a ten-sneeze fit? Not to mention trying to find a tissue before your face explodes all over the place.

And sneezing isn't the worst of it. Whatever it is that I'm allergic to (I think it's a tree pollen, but I don't know which type of tree it is) tends to collect in the back of my throat when I'm sleeping, and I wake up several times a night literally choking because my throat stuck to itself momentarily. It's gross, and probably TMI, but there you have it. My throat is completely swollen and raw. Ugh. This pollen also gets into my lungs, so when I'm not sneezing, snoting, or choking, I'm hacking up a lung. I feel like crap.

Clearly, this is not going to be a good year for me, allergy wise.

I'm headed to the grocery store this afternoon to try to find some allergy meds. They all put me completely to sleep, so I will only be able to take them in the afternoon/evening, but at least I should sleep better. At this point, I'm just trying to hang on until the pollen passes.

Does anyone else have allergies like this?

Hiya!

2011-05-09T19:00:00.002-05:00

Holy crap - it's been TWO MONTHS since I last blogged here. It's hard to believe! Well, actually, it's not hard for ME to believe, but if you know me and how much I love to talk, I could see how you might be a little alarmed that I've been so quiet.

You know, Thumper's mother said that if one doesn't have something nice to say, one shouldn't say anything at all. It's advice I try to follow.

So what I have I been doing? Sigh. Lots of feeling sorry for myself, mostly. Let me explain.

I've mentioned before how I've been diagnosed with endometriosis. As far as diseases go it's not a heinous one - it won't disfigure my face, it won't kill me ... it's just really painful. Horribly painful. I understand it isn't painful for everyone, but I'm not one of those lucky few. I have tried over and over again to get the issue resolved - I had a laparascopy in September to remove the endometriosis, which should have given me a few years' of pain free living. I had no relief at all. I went back to my regular doctor (the laparascopy guy was a jerk, although I do think he did a good job with the procedure) and my regular doctor agreed to send me to a different specialist.
I was basically ready to have my uterus removed. I'm not having children so really my uterus is a wasted organ and if it's causing me pain? YANK IT. I went prepared to make my argument to the new doc, to make him see that I was serious.

It's very difficult to explain the pain I feel to someone who doesn't feel this kind of chronic pain. When I'm not in pain, I'm perfectly fine. I can do anything, go anywhere ... I don't suffer at all. When I *am* in pain, I can't function. Sitting, walking, standing, laying ... every position I can put my body in hurts. I have this terrible fear that the pain is coming in the days before it begins (I suffer between 10 and 14 days each month). I worry about going out. I fret that I wont' have meds or that I'll be somewhere I can't take them. I've developed an intolerance to my big pain killers, so all I can take is Ibuprofen which doesn't help. When the pain hits, I cry over and over. I hate living, I hate that I'm going to suffer for several more decades, I hate it. Most of all, I hate that this pain controls my life, not the other way around.

So it was with a huge bundle of nerves that I went to the new doctor. I had heard great things about him and wasn't disappointed. Despite being insanely busy, the new doc went over my surgical notes, notes from my regular doc, everything in my file. He spent more than half an hour with me to explain what I came to realize was the horrible truth: there is no surgical option.

My endometriosis is in an unusual place in my abdominal cavity. The spots sit near my femoral artery, the nerve bundles that control my legs and feet, and several important tendons and tubes. There's simply no way to go in surgically and remove it to alleviate my pain. Removing the uterus will do nothing, unless they take my ovaries too. They won't take my ovaries because I'm too young - I will suffer osteoporosis, among other serious things.

The only option for me to treat my condition was the single worst option I'd heard about - six months of a drug called Depo-Lupron - a drug that puts me into an artificial menopause for six months. Six months of night sweats, hot flashes, bone loss, depression, insomnia, weight gain, facial hair growth, hair loss, and more. And those? Just the COMMON side effects. Slightly less common: headaches, bone pain, sore muscles, nausea, dizziness, etc. Four years ago, I made a conscious decision to stop putting hormones into my body. I was worried about what eleven years of drugs had done to my body and wanted my body to do what it wanted to, what was natural. Now I'm going in the completely opposite direction.

To say I'm not happy is a massive understatment. For two days I was inconsolable. Now the doc did put me on a second drug to reduce the side effects of the first. But it's not perfect and has side effects of its own. I sobbed through the appointment, I sobbed in the parking lot, I sobbed through the rest of the errands I had to run in town. To be told that there's no real solution was not what I wanted. To be told that this wretched drug was my best bet at reducing my pain FOR A WHILE (since it will probably grow back eventually) was not okay. I am still not okay, although I am slowing managing better. For about two weeks, I couldn't function. I'm not sure if I'm dealing with depression as a side effect of the drug or if I was just so upset that I got into a funk I couldn't get out of. I didn't want to get up, go to work, knit, drive ... anything. If I lowered my guard for a single moment, I cried. I cried in the car, in the bathroom, in bed, everywhere.

Thank God for my husband, who let me completely break down last Friday night. Who listened as I cried some more and was terribly negative about my chances for a pain-free life. While I whined about the horrible side effects. As I cried about how this isn't how I want to live my life. Without his support I'd be so much worse off than I am. I don't know how I'd get through it without him. I'm still not sure that I will get through it, but I'm going to try. I'm going to hope that the six months will be over quickly and I'll be okay after that.

Here's hoping.

Random Wednesday

2011-03-09T08:15:00.003-05:00

If you haven't read it lately, check out Bear's blog. His medical roller coaster keeps going, each pass making the track more worn out and wobbly. I know we are both tired of the ride.
The sun has been shining for two days. It makes me wish for spring even more. Last weekend we were hit with a moderate ice storm - about 12,000 people lost power and roads have been damaged by fallen trees. My commute has gone from awful to rotten. If the sun will just keep shining, maybe spring will get here.
Although I love the light late in the day, I'm not a fan of daylight savings time. I hate that it'll be dark again when I get up each morning. I super hate that I'll be losing an hour of sleep.
I really need to add some pictures to this blog. It's been too long since I posted pictures of Jax, the cats, my ad0rable Bear ... too long.
If it weren't for my friends and husband, I'd never get anywhere in life. They constantly encourage me to reach past my comfort zone into things that are awesome, if slightly scary. Every time I've done this, something awesome has happened.
My new computer has this awesome program called "sticky notes". I no longer have to write notes by hand and pray that the Post-it Gods will allow the sticky backs to work long enough to accomplish my to-do lists. These sticky notes stay right on my desktop so I never lose them. I have several all over my desktop, each in different colors. I'm still not doing much off of those lists, but at least I'm not losing them anymore.
I'd like to buy a piano. A used upright piano.
I have nowhere to put said piano in my house.
I still want one.
Bear and I are trying to see if we can manage to visit my brother in Nebraska this summer. We've looked at our travel options and if we can manage it financially, we may take the train out and back. I love the sound of an adventure like that.
My video podcast has been going for almost a year now. I had no idea last year that I'd be where I am now. Someone said this morning that they want to be me when they grow up. I'm terribly flattered - but I'm still wondering how in the hell I'm anyone's role model. Weird!
Does anyone else sing in their car and not stop, even when truck drivers and other commuters give you funny looks? I can't be the only one. I can't be.

How's your Wednesday looking?

Week in Review

2011-02-25T20:54:00.002-05:00

This week is a week that all teachers and students have off from school. I love this week. It's a great one for sleeping in, getting home projects done, and cursing the skies for delivering yet more snow.
I'm really tired of snow.
Normally I love each of the seasons - here in Maine we get a full dose of all four with an extra mud season thrown in between winter and spring. But this year spring can't come fast enough. There were two feet of snow on the ground this morning, and it's been snowing all day. I thought the groundhog *didn't* see his shadow this year?
Tomorrow is the annual Gathering of Gardiner Girls - myself and my three best friends from high school will be meeting at a pancake house for breakfast and laughter. One friend has just had a baby, and another just informed us she's expecting her second. I love these girls and don't see them nearly often enough. After that I'll be heading south to Freeport for a knitting event that's hosted each year in February. I've never been but I'm really looking forward to it. I hope to be a vendor at it next year. It is probably strange to a non-knitter how many knitting events there are and how well-attended they are. For me, it's a chance to be among my people. People who get me and who love the very same things I love. That to me makes this time of year a little bit easier to bear.

Pththththththb.

2011-02-16T21:12:00.001-05:00

Yes, I know it's been more than a month since I posted last. Thanks for pointing that out. I would love to catch you all up on my scintillating life ... but honestly? There's absolutely nothing exciting to say. I've become boring.

Except that my husband went to town yesterday to get groceries and returned with a boquet of Gerbera daisies and two novels for me.

Because he knows I love daisies and I'm a sucker for books.

And what's more? One book's a dragon book that's been on my Amazon wish list for YEARS and the other is the sequal to a knitting fiction book I enjoyed two years ago.

The man knows what makes my heart happy.

More next week, I promise.

Grrr.

2011-01-15T17:49:00.002-05:00

So my friend Alice over at Wandering Wonderland says I'm inspirational. That my efforts to lose weight and get healthy inspire her. Last time I lost 40 pounds, I agreed with her. I could see how I was an inspiration (and I was happy to help - she did AWESOME!). I had worked hard, and the changes were obvious. I looked *good*!

This time? Not so much.

That's not to say I'm not busting my ass. I am! I'm riding my Sinister Stationary Bike of Doom for at least 500 calories a day (last night was 550!). I'm drinking between 5 and 8 glasses of water a day, not counting what I have in my coffee and tea. I'm participating in Sparkpeople's 28 Day Bootcamp Challenge, which means I do one ten-minute strength training workout every day. I'm stretching every time I exercise for decreased pain and increased flexibility. I'm tracking everything I eat and drink, even when I go out to eat (last time I cut to 1,275 calories, this time I'm trying to stay under 1,400). I've been doing everything RIGHT for three weeks now ...

... and I've lost 2 pounds. TWO.

That's ridiculous. I don't care if I am adding muscle, I don't care if some of that weight is water, I don't care if my body is in shock. I WANT THIS FUCKING WEIGHT GONE. I'm so so so so frustrated. My darling husband is exercising/dieting too, and in the first week he lost 7.6 pounds!! Yes, I know he has more to lose, yes I know it's easier for men - it's Just. Not. Fair.

Out of desperation this morning I took my measurements. I'm hoping (at this point somewhat dispiritedly) that if I'm not losing pounds, I *am* losing inches. I've posted them below for the entire world to see to keep me motivated to keep working. Because the scale? Not helping at all.

Calves: 16"
Thighs: 25" (this is what my WAIST should be, not one of my THIGHS)
Hips: 42"
Waist: 36"
Arms: 13"

How are you doing" Fox? Alice?

News and non-news.

2011-01-03T20:43:00.004-05:00

News: Bear has blogged about his most recent doctor's visit (it's not good, and not for the faint of heart) here. I think that Bear has come to the conclusion that he needs to wait a while to have the surgery. It's not an "if", but a "when", really, but we aren't in a financial place for him to be out of work for at least six months. He has another appointment on March 1st (I will be going to this one with a laundry list of questions), and we may schedule the surgery then. Anything could happen between now and then, of course. He could fall again, it could get worse, we could win the lottery...

In non-news, I've hit the dieting wagon hard (minus one day we went to Olive Garden with friends, but we're not talking about that), going back to tracking my calories and riding the Sinister Stationary Bike of Doom (SSBOD). It sucks. I'm mostly pissed at myself for getting to this point again - how did I let this happen? How did I regain FORTY pounds of fat after working SO HARD to get rid of it? I am kicking myself for being so weak. My punishment? Getting back on the bike (500 calories a day, at least four days a week) and cutting back to eating under 1,300 calories a day. Experience has shown me that it's the only thing that works. Ugh. I am using a new calorie tracker, though that I like. I was using www.mycaloriecounter.com but I've made the switch to www.sparkpeople.com and although still hate tracking calories, this interface is better. I also signed up to do a 28 day bootcamp-style cardio and weight training program to keep things from getting stale.

I made my loving husband go into the kitchen and stay there until I'd completed the first ten-minute cardio video. He does *not* need to see that.

So that's what I've got going on in my world - how about you?

Welcome Back

2010-12-27T09:46:00.002-05:00

About three years ago, I decided I needed to lose some weight. I'd been married a few months and when I looked at the wedding pictures, I realized that I was much rounder than I liked. I joined a calorie counting web site, hopped on my Sinister Stationary Bike of Doom, and lost almost 40 pounds. I looked good, I felt great, and thought that the hard work was worth it - despite it turning me into a calorie counting nightmare to be around. I can remember nights where it'd be 8pm and I'd be starving, but I couldn't eat anything because I only had 25 calories left to eat that day, and even a banana had 90. I cried a lot those 5 or so months. I rode that SSBOD every single day for four and a half months, at least three of those months for sessions that burned 500 calories each. I avoided chocolate, pepsi, and sugar - my three favorite foods in the world.

But I looked good. Real good.

The last three years I've been giving myself a lot of leeway to eat/do what I liked, since I'd worked so hard to lose all that weight - all the while ignoring that the scale had started to creep back up. Yesterday I couldn't ignore it any more - I weigh again what I did on my wedding day.

Fuck.

So as of yesterday I'm back on the calorie counting website, and I'm back on the SSBOD. I'm going to try to be more realistic about it this time so I don't burn out so quickly. I'm hoping this spring brings us a treadmill so I can run again (running on the road is super tough with my knee issues now). I'd like to make sure I stretch every day, since it makes such a difference in my pain levels when I work out. I'd also like to take the dog for more walks, since Jax keeps me walking at a pretty fast pace. I hope you'll be patient with me as I begin this journey *again*, because I know I'll lose patience with myself.

Gack.

2010-12-16T08:41:00.002-05:00

You know that cartoon, Opus? The one with the penguin who's butt falls off? He has a friend, a spastic cat. I forget his name (if I can find a pic via Google images, I'll post one here), but he is totally where I'm at mentally and emotionally right now.

Almost two weeks ago, I got a phone call from my husband. He was at work, and I knew immediately something was wrong. "I just slipped and fell on the ice at work and messed up my bad knee." I could tell by his voice he was in terrible pain. A co-worker brought the tuck around to him, Bear somehow managed to get in and get home. I was home and helped him out of the truck and into the house. Once I got his workboots, wet jeans and sweatshirt off him (he'd laid in the snow on his back for several minutes after he fell), we looked at his knee. It looked like someone had hit him with a bat. The thing was softball sized, so swollen his kneecap had disappeared. Already some bruising had started. I can only imagine how badly that hurt. I got him situated in his chair with an ice pack, water, vicodin and a whoopie pie and dealt with the idea that he may have re-injured his surgically repaired knee.

Now that it's been a couple of weeks, we know a bit more. Bear met with his surgeon who ordered an x-ray. There were bone fragments showing in the x-ray that he'd never seen before, but that didn't look "new," whatever that means. He immediately ordered an MRI, and got Bear's knee re-imaged within an hour. Far cry from the first time when it took MONTHS to get the d#mn scan. I'm hoping that we'll hear the results of that scan today. I don't know if this means more surgery, more physical therapy, or what. Bear is out of work until a course of action has been determined.

The fall happened at work, which means that this is a workman's comp issue. Bear and I are unfamiliar with the workman's comp issue, as are the people in his mill's office. We've been told they will "take care of it," and "that shouldn't be a problem," and "not to worry," but haven't been told how Bear is going to get paid - whether he gets a paycheck, how much that is, whether there's a procedure we need to follow ... anything. I'm *beyond* frustrated that we are less than two weeks away from Christmas and have no idea how we'll get all our bills paid and the remainder of our gifts purchased. I'm pissed that Bear has to go through the pain and isolation he went through this spring AGAIN, with no idea how long it will be before he can resume daily life. I hate that I can't fix anything for him, and that I can't help make his days better. He hates being home, he hates being injured, he hates not working. I can't fix that. I'm not someone who has a whole lot of nursemaid in her (because really, life is supposed to be all about me), and I know that I am taking my frustrations out on him. I feel terrible about it, but I can't seem to change my attitude or behavior. Stress has caused my eyelid to resume its incessant twitching, which is how my body shows that I'm stressed. Two weeks of twitchtwitchtwitch. Sigh.

I'm trying so hard each day to get through, to keep the mantra "this too, shall pass" on repeat in my brain. To see the positive side of this situation - at least Bear is getting help this time, and much faster than last time. But oh, how I wish this hadn't happened right now, when the holidays are putting more strain on us than usual. If you're a praying person or someone who's in good with your God, will you send some healing thought toward my husband? He sure could use a little divine intervention right now.

New to Me, Anyway

2010-11-25T11:45:00.004-05:00

Last Friday I was driving home, minding my own business, when my car started acting funny. When I pressed on the gas pedal, I got no response. The idle sunk really low, and just as I pulled off the road, it stalled.

Uh oh. This is not good.

I managed to get the car re-started and running long enough to get it into a parking spot at the local grocery store. I called my husband and he got in touch with our wonderful mechanic. Mikey (the mechanic) drove his tow truck the 35 miles to get the car. He started the car, got it on the tow truck, got out and announced, "Well - you pooched it." Which is Mikey speak for I killed it. Apparently I dropped a valve in the motor, which is unfixable.

Le Sigh.

So my husband and I discussed it and realized that we needed a new vehicle. Something that would be a solid commuter car for me and comfortable to ride in for both of us. We wanted something the dog would fit in comfortably, too. Oh yeah - and we had to be able to afford it.

We spent the entire day Wednesday looking at used cars. We went to six or eight dealerships, test dove four or five cars, and ended up with this:
A 2002 Buick Century Custom. It's awfully pretty! It rides so comfortably. I love it. I admit we were both hoping for something a little more "age appropriate" - another Pontiac would have been awesome, but this was simply the best fit and the best deal. The guy who sold it to us has been selling cars for 43 years, and was super nice. He puts brand new tires on every single one of the cars he sells, because he believes in doing right by people. Awww! I'm so pleased with this car! Of course, Bear's been driving it all over so I haven't had much of a chance yet, but I will. Here are a few more pics:

Grammie's Shawl

2010-11-15T15:53:00.003-05:00

Last year for Christmas I wanted to knit my Grammie a shawl. At 95, she needs a shawl's warmth, and as she basically raised me, she totally deserves it. But I'm a slow knitter, and I tend to overcommit myself during the holidays. So the shawl didn't get finished, and after the New Year it sat largely forgotten in my pile of unfinished knits.

But now that the holidays are approaching, I figured the time had come to get the shawl done. I dug it out, realized I only had about 20 rows to go and got going. I tried to knit one row a day - at 576 stitches, it took about half and hour, but it was at least progress.

Last week I finished the shawl.

Below are the pictures. The colors are off (shawls have to be pinned out when wet to keep their intended shape when dry, so this is the wet color. The actual shawl is a cinnamony-red called "Russet Heather"), but you can hopefully see what it's supposed to look like. The shawl is called Icarus and is supposed to look like a frame with feathers at the bottom.

What do you think?

The downside of time

2010-11-11T12:11:00.002-05:00

It's been two weeks now since I've left Rite Aid. I love it. Like really LOVE it. It's so nice to know that once I get home from work, I don't have to leave again if I don't want to. I have time to get groceries, walk the dog, do laundry; I don't have to squeeze everything into the 33 minutes I had between jobs. I really look forward to having time to knit, spin, and design again - as well as update here more regularly, too.

I am finding, however, that having all this time has its drawbacks. I trained myself over the last three years to use any and all time off effectively, since those were my only opportunities to get chores and errands done. Now that I have every evening free I find myself cramming each evening full with as many things as I possibly can. I can't just sit still. I have to be "doing" something, or I feel as though I'm wasting my time. If nothing immediately presents itself as needing doing, I wander from room to room, picking things up and putting them back. I've done more loads of dishes in the past two weeks than I have in the past three months. Because I can, so I feel like I should. I've begun making a long to-do list every single day, and getting everything on it crossed off. Because I can't rest until I've "worked."

Relaxing? Totally not happening.

My fervent hope is that this calms down as my body re-learns how to have just one job. That I can begin to enjoy quiet relaxation and rest again. Because I'm getting really sick of dishes.

Because Good Matters

2010-10-27T20:04:00.003-05:00

Many of you may read my friend Alice's blog (I won't link it here because I'm talking about her work, but if you look for an Alice-related blog in my sidebar, you'll see her). If you read her blog, you know she's epically awesome and a genuinely good person. She has graciously allowed me to use her employer as my first "sponsored charity" with my Intention Yarns company. Please go to my Intention Yarns blog and read this post - Alice wrote a letter for me to share with knitters. If you knit or know someone who does, please consider helping (or encouraging someone else to). As Alice explains, these are some really deserving kids.

Making my Move

2010-10-25T11:00:00.002-05:00

This is the last week I'll be working at Rite Aid. I have to work Wednesday night and Saturday day and I'm done. It's been a long five weeks since giving my noticed, but I'm psyched to be nearly done. I can't wait to have more time available to me, both physical time to do things and mental time that I was thinking about work that I can spend on other thoughts. I'm really trying to plan a routine for this time so that I don't just waste it on the internet (which is how I spend too much of my free time). Here's a list of plans so far:

WEEK DAYS

Every day when I get home from school, Jax and I will take a 30 minute walk. No taking off my sneakers or coat - just grab the dog, the leash, and go. We both need this time. Possible caveat - if I have groceries to bring in, they must be dealt with first.
As soon as we're back, I will spend the next 30 minutes writing (no social networks allowed!). I have three blogs now to maintain (one personal, two knit business related), and they will only be good with regular maintenance. I plan on blogging here on Monday, Intention Yarns on Tuesday and Friday, and Highland Handmades on Thursday. Wednesday is reserved for grocery shopping or blog research.
After writing is chore time until Bear gets home. That's only about 15 minutes, but 15 solid minutes a day should make a noticeable difference in my home. I'm a big fan of put it off, put it off, put it off ... but now I have no excuse.
After Bear gets home and I've said hello, I can spend some time catching up on the social networks, email, and any cool links that have been sent my way. I can do that until it's time for dinner (or, if it's my night, until it's time to cook dinner).
After dinner - no idea yet. I know some nights will be spent on HH stuff, others on IY stuff, and others will be spent knitting. I'm in the middle of holiday knitting, and it really needs some attention paid.

WEEK ENDS

Saturday is spent with coffee and get-my-own breakfast, consumed while social networking and the like. It's a great way to catch up. This is when I'll write my to-do list for the weekend. Chores always factor high here - laundry, dishes, vacuuming, bathroom, etc. but also it's a great way to spend a lock of time on HH or IY stuff.
Sunday is all about ME. I plan on doing my nails on Sunday after breakfast and other pampering things. I'll knit, because I enjoy it, or spin. I'll do things that I love because I deserve some time for myself. The *PLAN* is to make Sundays internet-free days. I don't know if I can do it, but that's the plan. We'll see how that goes. Sunday is Pancakes Day at my house, too, so Bear and I will have pancakes at some point that day for sure.

What do you do with your free time?

Resolved

2010-10-11T11:33:00.003-05:00

Every year, when people ask me what my new year's resolution is, I respond the same way: to recognize good advice when I hear it. In my last blog post I was whining about Rite Aid and how much I want to be done and how awful it's going to be to work through Christmas. The ever wise Fox said, "Don't worry about working until Christmas... if you hate it that much, don't do it for another second. It's not worth it...it never is."

I'm listening to that advice.

My last day of work at Rite Aid is October 30th. I have given my notice and am just working out these last few weeks. I feel fan-freaking-tastic about this choice. Bear and I will have several important bills paid off by the end of the month so it's more financially feasible than I thought it was going to be and hopefully IY (the yarn company) will fill in any holes that appear. I'm looking forward to the free time, and I'm stoked that I may be able to actually ENJOY the holiday season this year. I do feel a little guilty that I won't be able to help out at Rite Aid during the busiest time of year, but the guilt isn't enough to keep me there. When I got the job it was only supposed to be for a year. I've been there more than three years now. It's time.

I hope to be able to begin new routines with my afternoons - blogging more regularly is at the top of my routine wish list. I miss blogging and conversing with you all. I'll be blogging in other places - Highland Handmades (my fiber blog), The Fiberista Files (my video podcast about my fiber business) and Reveal (the Intention Yarns blog) - but I'll try not to repeat myself.

I'm off to blog in those places right now, actually, so I'd better end this post for now.

Recovering and other Randomness

2010-09-22T11:05:00.003-05:00

I'm mostly better from surgery. I get my stitches out tomorrow and then all that's left is a follow up in early October. I am definitely in less pain than I was before and right after surgery. Maybe this worked. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed.
I am officially ready to be done working for Rite Aid. I can't frigging WAIT to give my notice. I'm so sick of working so much, and of dealing with the gross townspeople. I want to be done. I need to be done. I told my manager I'd make it through Christmas, but I don't want to.
The yarn company I'm taking over for a friend should launch this week. If you'd like to go visit the website, it's: www.intentionyarns.com. The shop link is disabled right now, but the rest of it is up. Tell me what you think, won't you?
I'm looking forward to spending some time at the Common Ground Fair this weekend. It's an organic/local themed fair that has fiber - so much fiber - as well as other organic goodies. My cousins own an organic farm and will be there, so it will be a nice to visit with them as well.

That's all I've got for now. Sorry for such a short post!

Post Surgery

2010-09-14T08:49:00.002-05:00

So this past week or so has been hellishly busy. On Thursday I had a potassium test that I needed prior to my surgery. If a doctor tells you you need one of these, fight him or her. It fucking sucked. It involved a catheter and four different injections of solution. None of them was a pain killer, so for the next several hours I felt like I was trying to pee razorblades. Not fun.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I was at a fiber event as a vendor. It was a beautiful weekend and I had a fantastic time. Sales weren't all that great (about half what my last show was) but the other vendors that were near my booth were so incredibly awesome that it truly made the weekend. I can't wait to see them again, actually.

Monday was my laparoscopy. It was scheduled for noon and I had to be there at a quarter to eleven. I had had nothing to eat since eight o'clock the night before and I was huuuuungry. I had a caffeine withdrawal headache, too. They got my IV in and had me change into one of those very fashionable gowns with a non-matching robe and I waited. And waited. It was after 2:30 by the time they wheeled me into the OR. They woke me up around 4pm, and I spent the next two hours in and out of sleep. I had a really hard time waking up from the damn anesthesia. Once I finally woke up, peed, ate some toast and got dressed, they let me go home. That was at about seven o'clock. My incisions didn't and don't really hurt, but the gas they pumped into my body cavity had caused me so much pain. I can't lay on my left side, because it feels like my right lung is going to explode. My shoulders, back, collarbones and shoulder blades all ache something fierce. I am lucky that my drugs seem to be helping that pain. I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow - we'll see how that goes.

They did find some endometriosis and removed what they found. I'm hoping that this means I won't be in the god awful pain I was in before. We'll see, I guess. I meet with the doc in two weeks and I hope I can see the pics of what they did and have him explain it to me now that I'm coherent.
Thanks to everyone who sent me well wishes. I am resting and healing and will hopefully soon be back to my old self.

The View from Sunday

2010-08-29T19:55:00.003-05:00

Last spring I blogged quite a bit about how much my teaching job sucked. My position was cut, no one bothered to say it to my face, I was tired and burned out. I was glad (in a way) that I was being forced to leave, because I knew I didn't want to be there any more. I looked forward to a fall that didn't mean back-to-school shopping and stress about the kind of kids I'd be getting.

But. (and there's always a but, isn't there?)

The Secret Project I've been alluding to (which I can come clean about now, and will soon - with pics!) has been delayed; it'll be a few months still before I make any real income off it, and Rite Aid pays so crappy that if I didn't go back to school, I'd still need a second job, one that paid quite well in order for Bear and I to pay down our debts. Ugh. I applied at the local high school for an English position and the local bank for a teller position. I didn't get called for either one.

What it boiled down to was that I was going to have to go back to school. Working as a Title 1 Ed Tech III I make about $17.50 an hour, which was double what I'd make at a non-teaching job here in town, even with 450 miles a week driving factored in. It means working all day in the elementary school with kids who need help but don't qualify for special ed.

As much as I hate it, Bear and I did our finances and it's the only viable option for us right now.

It sucks. Sucks sucks sucks.

But what choice do I have?

I'm hoping that this will only be temporary; that by the new year I'll be able to drop down to just working at Rite Aid and the new Secret thing. It's a big, big, hope. Bear and I will have to show restraint and focus, something we're not so good at when it comes to paying down our debt. We'll see what happens, I guess.

If you need me, I'll be at school. I go back on Tuesday.

More Jax!

2010-08-12T09:00:00.002-05:00

I took Jackson for a walk today. He and I both needed to get out of the house for a bit. Now that Bear is back to work, the poor doggie has been super lonely. So I got his lead on him and off we went. We headed down to the ball field which is on the other side of the bridge. He did so well! He's learning that he needs to sit and wait for my signal before crossing the road (I barely have to tug on the leash and his butt hits the ground) and that just because people are about doesn't mean they are there to play with him (I'm sure the construction workers were pleased he learned that lesson). He was super at the field, running and playing and letting me hook him back up to the leash when it was time for him to go. Next time I'll think ahead and bring the Frisbee for him to chase. On the way back his sniffing uncovered a blackberry bush with ripe blackberries. I picked one and gave it to him. He loved it! He tried to figure out how to get them off the bush himself, but couldn't. He kept looking from me to the bush, like, "Mom! Get me more! More of those! Those are good! Mom! Please?!" I did, because I don't think wild native fruits go against our no-people-food rule. And because he was cute. We made it back home and he's now sprawled out on the floor next to my chair, happy, hot, and tired.

Just the way he should be.

It's Tuesday

2010-08-03T08:59:00.003-05:00

That's all I have for a title, sorry. There isn't much excitement going on around here lately. Just work. I have today off and Bear has returned to work, so I'm taking advantage of the alone time to blog. I thought I'd also include some pics of Jax, since Alice has asked nicely and the dog himself is adorable. I have learned, however, that he HATES having his picture taken. He won't look at the camera or do cute things when it's around. Silly doggie. Below are all the versions of Jackson I've managed to capture on film:

Lap Dog

No really, LAP DOG: Crazy Dog:
In My Dance Space Dog:
And finally, Hot Dog:

More Doctors (TMI warning)

2010-07-27T06:34:00.003-05:00

I had to go to the doctor's last week. I've been having terrible pain/cramps in my girlie bits (again or still, I'm not really sure which it is). I was a bit worried that something was wrong with my IUD and that was what was causing the pain. It wasn't just cramps, but a solid wall of pain for nearly two weeks each month with spikes that can make me sweat and cry they are so bad. So I went to the doc's.

She thinks I have endometriosis. In fact, she thinks that not only is my uterine lining on the OUTSIDE of my uterus, but that it has ADHERED to my large intestine. As in stuck on. As in that's not supposed to be there and of course I'm in pain. Great. So what is to be done? I have to get scoped, and if that's the case the specialist can get rid of the problem right there in the office. I'm just waiting to hear back with the date of the appointment.

On the one hand, I'm pleased that this tentative diagnosis seems like it can be easily resolved. On the other hand? I'm so so so so sick of having girlie bits. I just want them to take the damn thing out so I don't have to worry about it any more. It can't hurt if it's not there, right? I would very much like to not be dealing with this issue any more. Unfortunately, insurance companies think they know more about me than I do and can dictate what I do with my body. Freedom of choice my ass. I will, of course, tell you how it goes because I can't not overshare in a public forum. I do wonder if anyone else had this procedure done? They haven't told me much about it. I'm about to head to WebMd to learn more. Good grief.

On The Future

2010-07-19T06:46:00.003-05:00

Well, summer is now half over. With just over a month left before school begins, I'm still certain that I need a break from teaching. I do miss my students (following their hi jinks on Facebook has been entertaining, to say the least), but I have absolutely zero urge to go back to school. Any school. There is an English position open at the local high school - a few people have encouraged me to apply, but really, I don't feel the need. I know that there are people that want me to apply, though, and that feels pretty good. If my other fiber-related project doesn't pan out soon I may regret not applying for financial reasons (teacher pay is significantly higher than ed tech or substitute pay), but I want to give my all to the fiber-related project first before I decide whether or not I can make a living at it. I can't wait to tell you all about it! Another two weeks should see me through the initial press release/website launch, and I can tell you (and show you) all about it then. I'm trying to be patient.

I just launched my second ever knitted design, a pair of socks called "La Vie de Bois" (that's life in the woods). It's an easy and attractive knitting pattern that I hope will make me some money. Not a lot, because it's for sale for a whopping $3, but a little. Designing is a lot like getting tattoos; once you do one you want more and more. I'm trying to hold off designing anything else until I free up a little time and project space (I have a lot of knitting projects going on right now).

The sock:
Physical therapy continues to go well. I've been running on the treadmill to help strengthen my knee. I had no idea how much easier running on the treadmill would be. I was running three minutes at a time on the road, taking a minute to walk in between. I ran fifteen minutes on the treadmill last Friday without a break. It's amazing. I wish I had the cash to buy a treadmill for the house, because knowing how easy it is makes me want to run all the more.

The heat and humidity in Maine continue to annoy and make it tough to get anything accomplished. Saturday night I looked down at my feet only to realize that my ankles have apparently SWOLLEN because of the climate. I have CANKLES! For the first time ever in my life, I have swollen ankles. I'm not old, diabetic, or pregnant. Swollen ankles are unacceptable. They've been like this since Saturday. I've tried everything to get it to go down but nothing I do works for very long. I see my doctor tomorrow (I'm still having issues with my stupid IUD) and I'll ask her about it then. I'm hoping that it's a sign of some strange and rare illness, and NOT just a sign of me getting older. I'm *barely* 29! MUCH too young to be dealing with cankles.

I'm just sayin'.

What do you think of the new blog theme?

Hi, sorry.

2010-07-02T20:18:00.002-05:00

I really didn't mean to be gone for a whole month. I'm sorry! I know that you all know what's been going on in my life/work, and that you are really nice so you don't complain, but still. I should have written before now.

It's hard, though, when you've got a system, but things change and you can't utilize that system anymore. I used to get to school, check my emails, blog, and get going on my day. Now that I'm not going to school, I'm having a hard time fitting things in. I like to blog when I'm alone in the morning, organizing my thoughts for the day. Bear's been home since February with his knee surgery and recovery, so I rarely get the house to myself. Currently he and his friend Snake are watching a movie, so they are at least distracted. I thought I'd blog while I could, and update you on what's been going on. Sorry if this gets fragmented - it's how I think on the fly.

Bear is still not back to work. His knee surgery was much more intensive than either of us realized, and physical therapy hasn't been able to strengthen his leg to the point he can return to work. It doesn't help that PT dropped him from their service, saying that they "can't do anything more for him" and so now he has to do it all on his own. I'm not pleased about this, but there's not much I can do about it.
I'm going to PT myself for MY left knee, now, too. I have tendinitis in the tendon below my knee cap that has been there (they think) for almost twenty years and because I've never had it treated, it's not healing any more. I have a new brace and treatments that are helping ... kind of. I just got cleared to begin running again, but it hurts. All. The. Time.
I'm working full time-ish at Rite Aid right now while trying to get my fiber business off the ground. Business has been picking up lately and I've been having a FABULOUS time sending out packages and participating in the 2010 Maine Fiber Frolic as a vendor. I'm signed up to do two more shows in the fall. This is what makes me happy more than anything; I hope that I'll be able to devote more time to it in the future.
Jackson is growing like crazy and is getting neutered on Tuesday, which the couch cushions will thank me for. They are being horribly abused, poor things.
Summer in Maine is here, and it's a great one this year. Sunny, warm ... perfect.
Bear and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary this week. I love him more and more each day. He really is a remarkable man, and one I'm so lucky to call mine.
I had my 29th birthday last month. It's the last one I'm having, I've decided.

On Beginnings and Endings

2010-06-01T08:33:00.002-05:00

Second Chance by Shinedown

My eyes are open wide by the way
I made it through today
I watch the world outside by the way
I'm leaving out today

I just saw Haley's Comet, she waved,
and said, "Why you always running in place?"
Even the Man in the Moon disappeared,
Somewhere in the stratosphere

[Chorus]
Tell my mother, tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life
I hope they understand

I'm not angry I'm just saying,
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

Please don't cry one tear for me,
I'm not afraid of what I have to say
This is my one and only voice
So listen close It's only for today

I just saw Haley's Comet, she waved,
and said, "Why you always running in place?"
Even the Man in the Moon disappeared,
Somewhere in the stratosphere

[chorus]

Here is my chance
This is my chance

[chorus]

I'm in my last week of school, possibly ever. I'm trying to see my goodbye as a second chance. I know that I'm moving on to bigger and better things, but goodbyes are still hard. This song is helping me become okay with it.

Because I forgot to this morning (and because Alice asked):

2010-05-14T09:38:00.003-05:00

A dorky pic of Jax and I Bear took last night. That "puppy" is only FIVE MONTHS OLD. He's almost 60 pounds. And of course, while sitting here looking cute, he's smooshing my lungs and bladder. I love him, though. Isn't he cute??

Stick a fork in me ...

2010-05-14T06:27:00.002-05:00

'cause I'm done.

My official pink slip letter came via certified mail yesterday. I'm not surprised or upset, except that I really thought there would be at least ONE administrator who would have the balls to come tell me to my face that my position was cut. I don't think any of them have made eye contact with me in weeks. Whatever.

In related news, I'm working with my students on the last unit of the year. Two groups are reading "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and one group is reading "Catcher in the Rye." I'm at a place where I can both identify with Alice's befuddlement at a world that doesn't make sense and Holden Caufield's desire to protect the innocence of youth. I'm excited about the next chapter of my life and at the same time I feel anxious about turning my back on what I thought was going to be my life's work.

Bear continues his physical therapy to strengthen and straighten his knee. He has begun aquatic therapy, which is forcing him to work his leg in new ways. He has already noticed a difference in how he feels after therapy. I hope he continues to improve.

We purchased a pop-up camper from Bear's godparents this year and Bear has been spending many hours restoring it. The thing is from the late 80's and needs a lot of work. We are both excited at the thought of having a dry place to stay while camping. We are both tired of sleeping in a wet tent, sitting at wet picnic tables, dealing with damp everything when we camp in the rain. Bear is doing an awesome job repairing and cleaning the camper. I can't wait to use it!

I continue to dye fiber and yarn for the Fiber Frolic, trying to get everything in order for the show. It's June 5-6, so I am rapidly running out of time. I'm almost halfway through the dyeing, and will have to label everything and pack it after that. I keep picking away at it. I enjoy it so it doesn't seem like work.

I don't know if I mentioned it here or not, but I also began a video podcast about my fiber business, called The Fiberista Files. If you're interested in learning more about my fibery life, head over to www.thefiberistafiles.com and watch my videos. I record in my craft room and post the videos to YouTube.

I'm ready for this week to be over. What are your plans for the weekend?

Good News and Bad News

2010-04-27T07:55:00.002-05:00

I really need to blog more, so that I don't have to write such monstrous updates when I finally do post. Here, in bulleted form, is what's been going on. All things are either Good News (GN) or Bad News (BN):

BN. Bear's rehab is going too slowly for his surgeon's liking. Instead of being cleared to go back to work, Dr. Wexler has ordered 6 more weeks of physical therapy. If Bear is not significantly better than he is now, there may be another surgery.
GN. Things are going swimmingly for my fiber shop, Highland Handmades. So well, in fact, that I've begun a video podcast about it. It's called The Fiberista Files. I hope you'll consider watching! The videos are short (under ten minutes) and you get to see me, living my passion.
BN. I'm officially being laid off at the end of the school year.
BN. Administration hasn't told me yet. I heard it from a student who was at the meeting, and subsequently from other teachers who were there.
GN. I've decided to celebrate instead of cry. This week my students and I will be having a Pink Slip Party, where we watch The Blind Side and eat popcorn and snacks. We're not done learning for the year, but I am determined to show my students that one can make the best of a situation.
GN. I may have a job lined up for next year. It's not teaching - it's better. I can't talk about it yet, but it has potential life-altering possibilities. Good ones. Amazing ones.
GN. With Bear's enthusiastic encouragement, I'll be doing my first trade show for my fiber business. The Maine Fiber Frolic is June 5-6 and I'll be a vendor at this event. I'll be crazy busy until then, but I'm so so so excited. Bear has been HUGE in this - encouraging, building, guiding, helping ... I'd be lost without him.
GN. Jackson continues to grow like a weed and delight me daily. The pup, who's about a week shy of being five months old, is a whopping 52.2 POUNDS! I can't wait to see just how big he's going to get. I'll have to post new pictures soon, with a puppy pic for comparison.

So that's what's going on in my life ... how about in yours?

The Care and Feeding of Bear

2010-04-10T21:08:00.002-05:00

I don't if it's just not his year, or if maybe Life is clearing the way for him to have a really excellent fall, but poor Bear has lost most of his spring to ailment and injury. First was his knee surgery on February 23rd, which we thought would put him out of work for a month - turns out that his knee was worse than they thought, so one month might be as many as three. He's been keeping himself busy, though, so it wasn't as bad as it could be.
But then last Monday Bear underwent surgery to remove his gallbladder. He'd been having pain for years, but all of his tests kept coming back negative. He had no stones, it functioned within normal parameters, he didn't have full on attacks like some people did, so the doc wasn't certain that removing the gallbladder would end the pain Bear was in.

When I met with the surgeon after the surgery, however, I was informed that the gallbladder was in fact bad (filled with cholesterol deposits and covered with adhesions, where his body had literally wrapped around it to protect itself). We both breathed a sigh of relief, happy that this was the cause of all of his pain.

What we weren't prepared for, especially after the ease of his knee surgery, was Bear's pain post gallbladder removal. The poor thing has been laid out all week with pain, tenderness, and some remarkable bruising. He's beginning the upswing now, but it's obvious to those that know him that he is not himself.

I hope that this is the last of his medical problems for a while, that he is able to heal and get some life back in his days. Warm weather is coming, and with it our favorite time of year. I just hope he'll be able to enjoy it.

Just when I thought I was going to have a good day ...

2010-03-30T06:48:00.002-05:00

... I get this in my inbox:

Budget season is in full swing and with tough economic times the school committee is looking at ways to continue academic excellence in our schools. Because of changes in the budget, the superintendent would like to meet with you on Tuesday, March 30 after school in the superintendent's office to discuss budgetary restraints for next year. Please notify me if you are unable to attend.

This week is one of the busiest I've had in a while, so busy that I've actually had to schedule snuggle time with Bear because I don't know how else to fit it in. I'm trying like heck to sell some things in the shop (see the thumbnails to the left) so that I can gain enough capital to open a wholesale account. If I can do that, I will be a vendor in Maine's biggest Fiber show this summer. I'm excited but scared.

And now I have to deal with this. The email was copied to my ed tech and teacher union reps so that means my entire job is gone next year, not just half. I know you're thinking that I don't know for sure what's going on - but after seven years in this business, I do. I know what's coming, and honestly? I'm not even sure that I care. I'm beyond it at this point. Whatever.

How are you?

Awww!

2010-03-09T21:57:00.002-05:00

"No, Mom, I'm not eating your blanket. Honest! I was just holding it for you. You don't want it back, though, right?"

Flowers!

2010-03-04T22:07:00.004-05:00

This beautiful bouquet of flowers was given to me by my husband as a thank you for taking care of him after his surgery. In pain and on crutches, the man left physical therapy and bought me flowers and chocolate. Because he's grateful. Because he's sweet. Because he just can't help but spoil me, even when I should be the one spoiling HIM.

Is it any wonder that I'm totally in love with him??

Post-Op Update

2010-02-26T09:30:00.002-05:00

Bear had his surgery on Tuesday. Thanks to all of you who are in good with God, Bear sailed through both procedures. The endoscopy showed nothing going on in the gallbladder to account for his pain, which we expected. Since there are no growths or infections in it, Bear can have it out any time he wants. The doctor told Bear to let him know when he's had enough and the gallbladder will come out. That is a comfort to both of us. While Bear doesn't have bad attacks, he does have pain every day. I'm comforted that they will still take it out, even without stones or attacks. It means something when a hospital staff believes their patients.

As for the knee surgery, we know some things and don't know others. We know that it "went well" - there were no complications or accidents during surgery. We know that he is healing very quickly, thanks to the kind words of Bear's physical therapist (whom we met yesterday). We don't know exactly what was repaired, what the sum of all the damage was, or if everything got corrected. Bear has an appointment to discuss the surgery in depth with the surgeon on Monday. I'd like to go too so I can hear what the surgeon has to say. He gave us some pictures from the inside of Bear's knee and although I have no real idea what I'm looking at, I can tell that there was a lot of messed up tissue in there.

Bear is handling this all very well, and is trying to rest as much as he can. He has napped each day (so have I) and has been a good boy about taking his meds. His knee is swollen but the incisions look great and he has very little bruising.

As he lay in the hospital bed in the recovery room he looked at me and said, "I wanna milkshake. Can we get a milkshake?" He hadn't had anything to eat that day and that was all he wanted. The nurses said it would be fine, so on the way home we stopped at McDonald's and got a large chocolate milkshake and a large fry. Not the healthiest of recovery meals, but he'd been so good about the surgery I just couldn't say no. He enjoyed it tremendously and I was happy to be able to help him at least that much.

Take That, Sinister Insurance Company!

2010-02-17T08:15:00.003-05:00

Way back on October 19 of last year, I blogged that Bear had fallen in the kitchen and hurt his knee quite seriously. I later blogged that the insurance company refused to pay for an MRI (that his doctor ordered because Bear needed it) until at least "eight weeks of 'conservative treatment' had been applied". I remember how frustrated I was that my husband who has finally begun to take care of himself medically and actually GO to the doctor when he's hurting received such a slap in the face. So Bear went back to work, in pain, and we waited.

And waited.

Finally Bear got in to see the specialist at the end of January. The specialist immediately ordered an MRI. Reluctantly the insurance company paid for it, since it had been three months since his original visit. THREE MONTHS of daily pain, of doing a demanding job on a knee that at times hurts so badly he can barely move.

The MRI results came back - Bear has a torn meniscus (the cushion between the two leg bones). There are actually TWO tears. He also has some severe bone bruising on the side that he didn't hurt, and the specialist doesn't know why it's there.

I'm so sorry he's hurting, but I'm so glad they found something. I feel so vindicated - I don't care how much "conservative treatment" he received - nothing short of surgery will repair those tears. Surgery that bear could have had MONTHS ago if the insurance company wasn't such a bunch of money-grubbing ASSHOLES.

Bear is having surgery to repair the tears on February 23rd. While the surgeon is in there, he will use the camera to investigate the entire knee to see what else may be wrong. If something else is wrong, the surgeon may fix it there or it may mean more surgery in the future. At this point, we aren't really sure.

On the same day as his knee surgery, Bear will also be scoped for his gallbladder. It's causing him pain but they can't take it out until they can see something wrong with it. The poor man will be poked, prodded, scoped and cut on both ends of his body. We're hoping that he gets some really good pain meds to help him deal. I'll be with him for a few days during his initial recovery and will try to blog an update then.

For all of you who are in good with God, please keep Bear in your thoughts on February 23rd. He and I both appreciate the warmth and support we have always received from our blogoshpere friends. If he is up to it, I'll try and convince him to guest blog his thoughts at least once, as he's a great writer and it's past time that you heard from the Bear himself.

The Story

2010-02-01T08:39:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I posted a picture of Jackson as we were coming home. Today I'd like to tell you all about it.

We arose Saturday morning at 4:45 and blearily got into the truck to begin our journey South. we had to be at the breeder's by 9:30 in the morning and it was almost a four hour drive. I stayed awake the whole time which is something of a feat for me. I was just too excited and keyed up to sleep. I'm horribly sick right now, so much of the journey was spent blowing my nose. As the miles slipped by under the truck tires I thought about all the great adventures Jackson and I and Bear will have. I worried about how the cats would treat him, and I hoped that everything would go smoothly.

We arrived at the breeder's right on time. When she brought Jackson into the room, I wondered where my little ball of fur had gone. In his place was a rugged tank of a dog that had doubled in size in the last three weeks. Jackson had become a bruiser! As soon as he was placed in my arms, he snuggled his nose into the place between my ear and neck, sighed, and settled in. My heart flipped over in my chest and I fell in love with him all over again. This, I thought. This is my baby. Totally black with deep chocolate eyes and the biggest, sweetest paws imaginable ... perfect in every way.

We chatted with the breeder for a while and learned that the vet gave him a clean bill of health and he was all ready to go. She said goodbye to him and as she did I heard her whisper, "you're a good dog, Jackson. A good good dog. You were my favorite." Tearfully, she handed him off and we settled him into the truck for the long journey North.

The original plan was to take him to my parents' house and leave him there while we went to the Shinedown concert we'd had tickets for since before Christmas. As the day wore on, however, I was feeling worse and worse. Soon the combination of worry about leaving the puppy and my cold drove me to ask Bear to find someone who'd want the tickets for the show - I was too sick to go. He was relieved, and even my parents said that was probably best. I looked and felt pretty awful. Jackson, for his part, was sleeping on the livingroom floor behind the coffee table. The stress of leaving home and being in a vehicle for the first time combined to exhaust the poor little guy. Mom said he was boring. Both parents were amazed that he wasn't a crazy ball of energy. I couldn't blame him, really. The most disappointed person was my parents' boxer Ivy May. She took one look at Jackson and wanted to play. He just wanted to find a quiet corner to crash in. She just didn't understand why he wouldn't play with her.

Since it was afternoon and we'd given the tickets away, Bear and I decided to head for home. I did manage to sleep this time since I had no energy left at all. Jackson slept most of the way, too. We got home around 7pm and brought him inside. We gave him food and water, spread his blanket on the floor and just watched him as he slept. We were concerned that we'd stressed him out with this very long journey, glad that we'd gotten him home, and absolutely in love with our new family member. The family felt complete finally. We went to bed that night and fell into an exhausted slumber.

That morning we were greeted with the traditional puppy - wagging tail, jumping energy, and lots of wiggling. He'd messed a bit on the floor, had put all his toys in the box of shavings in the place we'd thought he'd use to leave his messes and generally mussed the kitchen about. It was impossible to be upset. What was a little bit of puppy poop when its maker is just so damn cute? We cleaned everything up and set about housebreaking the little guy. He'd never been outside in his life, but he adjusted quickly. Soon he was doing his business quickly and then cavorting about in the snowbanks. Jackson loves the outdoors. We grinned to each other as he jumped and played. This is a dog made for us. We spent the day with him yesterday and learned that he likes to eat, wants desperately to be friends with the cats (who have been standoffish but not agressive at all), and loves to take naps in warm nests of blankets and people feet.

Every time I look at him, snuggle him, play with him, or hold him, I fall in love again. He's perfect in every way and I'm glad that I waited so long to get a dog. He was worth the wait. I hope that as he grows he'll continue to be the happy loving guy he is right now.

Because I'm totally in love with this pup.

Welcome home, baby boy.

2010-01-31T16:16:00.000-05:00

I think you'll like it here.

So close!

2010-01-28T10:30:00.002-05:00

Bear got an email yesterday from the dog breeder who has Jackson.

"There's a problem with Jackson," he says after reading it.

My heart stopped. Oh no, I thought. What's wrong with my baby?

"Relax," Bear laughed. "Jackson is fine. But we can't get him on Sunday, since the breeder won't be home that day. What do you want to do?"

"Well," I said. "Can we pick him up on Saturday?" We are going to a concert Saturday night, but the day is free.

Bear looked at me for a long moment. Then he grinned, a dimple appearing in his right cheek. Yes, Babe. I guess we can."

So Jackson is coming home a day early. We will get him Saturday morning, leave him with my parents for the concert, then pick him up afterwards and come home.

And dudes. Saturday?

Two days away.

Friday Fragments

2010-01-22T09:22:00.002-05:00

*Only eight more days until Jackson comes home. I can't wait. I still have some puppy proofing to do, but the house has come a long way and we're almost ready. I can't wait to introduce him to the cats! I will have to take some video of their first meeting so I can post it.

*Only eight more days of riding the Sinister Stationary Bike of Doom. I'm not hating it as much as I did last time, mostly because I'm half-assing it most nights. I ride for fifteen minutes (five more than the mandatory ten), but I'm reading a novel while I do it and therefore am not giving it much of an honest effort. On Wednesday I stayed home from work and did a killer run that day - 20 minutes, 421 calories, 5.05 miles. But honestly? That was the only honest effort I put in since I started this almost two weeks ago. Alice over at Wandering Wonderland has been way more committed than I, and I'm hoping to use her success as a springboard towards my own. I might need to set a weight goal as she did. I'm thinking I'd like to be back down to 165.0 by Feb 15. That's three weeks for about two pounds. Totally doable. I'll let you know how I do.

*As I age I'm becoming so much more of a girl. Among my friends I'm usually known as the biggest guy in the group (femeninity has never been my strong suit) but I have to have this bag.

It's called the Monroe (my maiden name, people! I NEED TO HAVE IT), and it's a stylish and ecologically responsible bag that would hold all of my daily things plus a knitting project or two. At $75, owning it solidifies my girl status. I'm just sayin'.

*Due to budget cuts, it looks as though I will be job searching next year. They told me that last year but found a way to keep me on - that money is gone and we're another $400,000 in the hole. I'm pretty sure I'm gone after this year. Wish me luck in a very tight job market. I can't decide if I want to look for a full time teaching job, or just an ed tech job somewhere close to home. Full time teaching means I can quit working at Rite Aid, ed tech job close by means less time on the road and nowhere near the stress. I'm hoping an opportunity will present itself. Maybe I should ask if the local yarn shop is hiring?

*I still hate insurance companies. Bear went to the knee specialist on Wednesday and guess what? The doc ordered an MRI - the same thing Bear's tried TWICE to get and the insurance company won't pay for. They had better this time or I will blow a gasket. I'm so fucking sick of dealing with this idiocy!!!!! It might not help that I'm on hold with said insurance company as I sit here. ARGHRHGH!

The Deal

2010-01-13T07:47:00.002-05:00

As I mentioned a while ago here on the blog, I'm attempting to re-lose some weight. Weight that re-adhered to my body during the past year or so, especially during the holiday season. I know what it takes to lose weight, but I hate hate hate doing it. Losing weight means I must ride the Sinister Stationary Bike of Doom.

Seriously. Of Doom.

The bike is a recumbent bike, and hurts my but just to sit on. I sweat like a pig, the minutes/miles/calories never move fast enough ... in short, being on it is like being tortured. It's even worse knowing that I'm responsible for the need to get back on the bike. I'm the only one who has put food in my mouth. Too much food. So back on the bike I go.

Under normal circumstances, I'd ride the bike a few times in a week, then slack off. I'd go a week or more without the bike until Bear or my conscience guilts me back on it. This time, however, I have a deal. If I ride the bike every day for at least ten minutes until January 31st, Bear will buy me a Wii Fit Plus.

I have a Wii and enjoy it, and I've heard amazing things about the Fit Plus. I'd much rather play games on the Wii than ride the Sinister Stationary Bike of Doom. Wouldn't you? We made the deal on Sunday and I've ridden it every day so far... twice doing 15 minutes (in the past I've ridden straight to 500 calories burned, which takes about half an hour. It sucks. This is much easier!). Wish me luck on the remaining nineteen days.

I think I'm going to need it.

I'm gonna be one of those moms, huh?

2010-01-11T16:36:00.002-05:00

You may be tired of Jackson. You may think all puppies are alike, or think that black labs aren't cute, or even think that you're not a dog person. I promise to get back to regular blogging soon. But Bear and I went to meet Jackson yesterday and I just have to share the adorableness:

Less than three weeks until we can bring him home. I can't WAIT!

Some more pics from the breeder.

2010-01-08T22:23:00.005-05:00

His name is Jackson.

What I Got for Christmas

2010-01-06T15:16:00.004-05:00

I told you yesterday that I'd blog about my Christmas present. Here's the story:

Christmas morning Bear and I got up and made some coffee. The morning hasn't begun until I've started caffienating. We sat in the livingroom and began the process of opening the gifts under the tree. Bear hemmed and hawed for a bit, not sure which gift he wanted me to open first. Finally he made up his mind and started with a card. It was a nice card, one of those ones that have the card stock outside and the separate piece of paper on the inside. It was sweet and romantic, and he'd signed it, "because I want you to have everything you want. Love, Bear."
"Aww, thanks Honey," I said, and closed the card. I set it beside me on the couch.
"No, you need to turn the page," he chided.
Oops.
I picked the card back up and turned the page and saw this:With the words "January 30, 2010" at the top and a speech bubble next to it that said, "Hi Mom!"

The man bought me a puppy.

A puppy.

The one thing I've wanted for more than three years. The one thing he keeps telling me I can't have. Truly, my dream come true. The gift is amazing. Bear is amazing. The puppy is amazing.

I'm naming him Jackson, and I love him already.

Thanks, Bear, for making my Christmas the best one ever. I love you!

Back at It

2010-01-05T09:27:00.002-05:00

I'm back to school and back to blogging. Sorry to take an unannounced break like I did, but I needed it and am returning to the blogosphere fresh and excited. A brief recap of my time away:

I got a ton of awesome stuff for Christmas. Bear spoiled me, again, although he raised the bar this year. I will tell you all about my best gift tomorrow. It's deserving of its own post.
I've been up to my eyeballs in Christmas knitting, not much of which got done. I'm still behind, even two weeks later! I'm working on it.
I had an awesome New Year's Eve with my friend L-Unit. It was terrific spending time with her and her family. I adore them so!
I'm back on the diet wagon again... sort of. I'm having a hard time staying on. Hopefully if Alice does well with her weight loss, she'll inspire me to do so, also. I'm looking at losing ten to fifteen pounds before April vacation. Wish me luck.
I'm not really making any resolutions this year, other than to focus more on growing my fiber business. Marketing especially. I'd like to spread the word about Highland Handmades!

That's about it. I hope you all had a fabulous holiday season and are ready to tackle the new year. Thanks for sticking with me through my radio silence - I'm really glad to be back.

I so so so so need to see this!

2009-12-07T20:52:00.000-05:00

Malaise

2009-12-02T09:32:00.002-05:00

Malaise: noun. A vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort.

That's where I am right now in several aspects of my life. As I type this I am in my classroom. It's my prep period so I have no students and although I have plenty to do, I do none of it and instead sit in front of the computer and browse the internet aimlessly. I just can't get excited about anything here at school. While my students are in class we have a good time. I began the Greek play Antigone with them this week, which I enjoy. But as soon as they drain out of my room, my energy and motivation drain right out with them.

I should be printing up the names for school's secret santa (which I am the default organizer for this year. Not sure how that happened!), or correcting narrative summaries. But really? Meh. I could care, but I don't.

Work at job #2 is going the same as always, which is to say that I have a good time once I'm there, but I resent how much it takes me away from home. Especially after having so many days off with Bear last week. I hate being apart from him more than ever. Soon we will be having extended holiday hours, which I know will make my resentment worse. Bear was an absolute sweetheart and did the grocery shopping last night so that I don't have to go out again tonight. I'm so happy he did this! That man totally gets me. I great big puffy heart him!

I have not decorated for Christmas yet. I really need to get the house cleaned up before I do any decorating. Bur really? Meh. There's a mountain of laundry to do, the kitchen table is buried, and the livingroom floor is in desparate need of vacuuming. I find little motivation to do any of it. Maybe I'll force some of it today. Maybe.

The only part of my life that still excites me is the fibery part of it. Christmas knits are coming along, my fiber business is doing well, and I've been having success in spinning, too. That's all I want to do these days is spin, knit, and dye fiber. I've been wanting to start several projects for me, too, and finish some others that I can't until holiday knitting is done, including writing a few knitwear designs. I think next year I will be focusing on one Christmas knit a month so that I don't have a bunch to do at the end of the year like this year. It's a lot less pressure!

I'm hoping that I can snap out of this malaise. I'm hoping that the more I accomplish, the better I will feel, and that it will get a happy streak started. Anyone want to help me out?

IUD PITA!

2009-11-24T09:28:00.002-05:00

A week ago, I had an appointment to have an IUD put in. I was a bit nervous about it, as the last time I tried to do this my body had an "acute rejection" of it - it was the most pain I've ever experienced in my life, and it wasn't something I was looking forward to trying again. This time, however, my doctors were going to give me lots of drugs and such to help my body accept it and alleviate my anxiety. I made Bear come with me to hold my hand, since I knew I was going to cry. He was a real trooper, going even though he didn't want to, even though it was way more info about my girly bits than he ever wanted to know.

As far as the procedure is concerned, I guess it was a success. I have not rejected this one like I did with the last one. I had no idea, however, that I would be in so much pain for so long. Everything I read about the procedure dealt with the long term side effects and what to expect over the next ten years. Nothing I read prepared me for the four days following insertion. I couldn't tell if I was dying or if the agony I was experiencing was "normal". Its taken me a week to feel well enough to stop taking pain meds. I am not someone who ever takes medicine. To take two ibuprofen means I'm in serious pain. I was taking three every four hours just to take the edge off.

In short, it sucked.

I am finally beginning to feel better; I am able to spend several hours at a time without any pain at all. I'm not sorry I had this done, but I wish I had known what I was getting myself into when I decided to do it. One other thing I didn't know about? I can't "resume normal activities" for THREE WEEKS. This, more than anything, would have made me think twice before getting an IUD.

Two more weeks to go. Le sigh.

Dear Daddy,

2009-11-11T06:46:00.003-05:00

I've never made it much of a secret that you're my favorite. It was pretty clear, even with my first word ("da-da") that I was always going to be your little girl. Growing up I always wanted to be on your team at the family baseball games, wanted to ride with you in the big truck, wanted to cuddle with you during football games, wanted to learn to shoot and hunt in order to spend more time with you. You were, quite simply, my hero. It was many years before I began to learn what made you so heroic. Your endless patience, your love of simple things, your sense of duty, your soft heart - all of these things became part of you because of what you'd lived through, of the choices you made and the things that happened long before I was born.

When I was a freshman in high school, I went with the marching band on a trip to Washington D.C. While there we played on the steps of the Capital, toured the Washington Monument and visited the Vietnam War Memorial. Of all places, the last one touched me most. I knew vaguely that you'd been in Vietnam, and I knew it was a bad enough experience that you didn't talk about it, ever. When I returned home, Mom asked me if I'd gotten a rubbing of Georgie Bailey's name.
"Who's he?" I asked.
Mom was clearly pissed. "He was your father's cousin who died in the war. You should have gotten a rubbing!"
I felt terrible. I didn't even know you'd had a cousin Georgie, or that he had served in the Vietnam war. I didn't really know anything about your time over there, and since you hadn't chosen to share those details with me, I didn't want to ask. I've always been sorry that I didn't get that rubbing for you.

After that, though, I began to listen when you spoke with my brothers. They had all enlisted in different branches of the military, I think because they saw the quiet dignity of your character and wanted that for themselves. You raised us all to be grateful and to do what's right. As each brother came home from deployment, they spoke with you about the military. About war. And as I listened, I learned a bit about what you'd been through.

I learned that you were part of a team that recovered disabled tanks. I learned that you had some near-misses (the story about the bullet hole in the Maine flag that was flying a few feet from your head gave me nightmares). I learned that Georgie, your cousin and friend, was killed not far from where you were. I learned that you had to bring his body home. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been to look at your grieving aunt and uncle knowing that you'd survived and their own son hadn't. I learned that the Government was going to send you back to Vietnam, even though you only had six months left of service. I learned that you threatened to call "Aunt Maggie" (Margaret Chase Smith) if they forced you to go back. I was floored to learn that it wasn't that you were scared to go back, but that you knew that getting on a plane to return to the war would destroy your own mother. But that's you, Daddy - always thinking of other people before yourself.

I learned other things, too. That you still have days where the horrors of that time overwhelm you. That you aren't bitter about what happened, even though an injury sustained there permanently affected your ability to hear. That you got through Vietnam the same way you get through life - one day at a time, making the best of things, being thankful for what you have and not dwelling on what you don't.

It's because of all of these things that on this Veteran's Day I think of you. It's because of all of these things I'm thankful that you did survive. That you did come home and become my Daddy. There are so many things about that time that I'd like to know. I'd like to record it all somehow so that when your grandchildren are older, they can learn what a great man you are.

That's something I already know.

Happy Veteran's Day, Daddy. I love you.

Your Daughter,
Heather

An amazing meal I INVENTED!!

2009-11-10T17:36:00.003-05:00

I texted my husband this afternoon and asked him what he wanted for dinner. I was going to cook and wanted to know what he wanted before I stopped at the grocery store. "Just surprise me," the reply said.

Here's what I came up with.

Open-faced turkey & asiago paninis

breast of turkey, shredded
italian bread, sliced
wedge asiago cheese (you can get this shredded, but it's more expensive)
red, green, and yellow peppers
onion
garlic butter/garlic spread
olive oil

Using a brush, spread olive oil in the slices of bread (both sides). Place on cookie sheet and bake @ 400 degrees for a few minutes until lightly browned. You may have to flip the pieces over half way through, depending on the quality of your cookie sheet.

While bread is cooking, pour a tablespoon of olive oil in a frying pan and add small diced pieces of all three peppers (use about 1/4 of each pepper). Once that's cooking, chop up the onion (about 1/4 of a medium onion) to pieces the same size and add those to the pan. Cook until soft.

Cube the asiago cheese wedge into small pieces. Set aside.

Take bread out of oven and cool for a few minutes. Spread garlic butter on bread, add shredded turkey. On top of that place a spoonful of the pepper/onion combo, and top with asiago cheese. Place back into the oven for about five minutes until everything is all warm and melty.

Eat!

Please - if you try this, leave a comment telling me how it is! I'd love to hear your opinion.

Insurance companies suck

2009-11-09T07:43:00.002-05:00

I blogged a few weeks ago about the accident my husband had, how he fell on a freshly-washed floor and momentarily dislocated his knee. This caused him a lot of pain, especially where he already has arthritis and other wearing-down problems in his knees. He actually went to the doctor, which for him is a big deal. The doctor ordered an x-ray but didn't think there was much wrong with him.

Yeah, right.

When the x-ray results were read, they discovered that there was some laxing in the tendons and signs of other issues (the nurse said "the knee cap is 'technically' in place"), and ordered an MRI. A complete MRI, with contrast, so the doc could see clearly what is fully wrong with Bear's knee.

The insurance company said no.

When I asked, "what do you mean, 'no'?" we were told that there wasn't enough info to warrant an MRI. The doc asked instead for a regular MRI, the kind without the contrast.

The insurance company said no again.

I'm frustrated, Bear is frustrated, the doctor is pissed... and yet we are helpless to do anything about it. Bear's doc has been great about trying to find ways around this and his newest plan is to send Bear to a specialist - an orthopedist - for the knee.

I'm really hoping the specialist orders an MRI, and that the insurance company has to pay for the specialist AND the MRI that Bear should have had over a week ago.

Friday Fragments

2009-11-06T10:01:00.002-05:00

*I am surprised by how well my new fiber shop is doing. I've had four sales in three days! I'm waiting to hear how people like their purchases once they receive them. I'm already feeling the pressure to dye more fiber, to begin the next collection. I feel so fulfilled to be doing this! I don't know why I waited so long.

*I might have a t-shirt made up with the Highland Handmades logo on it, and then "Owner" underneath. Maybe one that says "staff" for Bear. That makes me giggle!

*I've giggled a lot this week. Especially once I started calling myself a "fiberista" and insisting Bear call me that, too. Is it too soon to call myself that?

*Friday Jeans Day is the best day of the week here at school. I love wearing jeans. They are the most comfortable pieces of my wardrobe, and that's saying something when the bulk of my clothing consists of sweaters, flannel, pajama pants and duck slippers. Seriously.

*I'm really ready to be done working my second job. Even though I know I can't afford to. Even though I know they need me there, at a minimum for several more months. Even though most days I enjoy the work. I am just so ready to be home during evenings and weekends. I've been there more than two years. When do I get to quit?

*It snowed last night - the thick, wet snow that sticks to every single branch and blade of grass and coats everything in a pristine layer of white. I know it won't last the day, but it was a beautiful drive in to work this morning.

*My grandmother made moose meat stew the other day at part of her physical therapy at the rehabilitation center she's at. There's something incredibly awesome about a place that encourages my gram to do what she loves as a way to heal her body. It may have been that they wanted to eat the stew, but so what? I'm thrilled they are healing my gram, body *and* soul.

*I have GOT to send my brother a package soon. I haven't mailed him, his wife or his son their Christmas presents from last year OR their birthday presents from this year. I'm a bad sister/sister-in-law/auntie. I will strive to do better.

*I'm having a long-term form of birth control procedure the week after next. It's not the permanent solution I want, but until I attempt to do this I can't get what I truly want. I don't know if I want this method to succeed or not. If it does (the last time I tried it, my body rejected it in a spectacularly painful fashion), then I don't have to worry for ten years or so. If it doesn't, then I can attempt to convince the insurance company to pay for the procedure I want (essure).

*The internet has introduced me to some of the most amazing, funny, intelligent, dedicated, moral, nurturing, and fantastic women in the world. I'd really love to get us all together at some point and have a huge party (complete with sleepover). I know it would be nearly impossible to get everyone there, but could you imagine the hilarity and fun that would ensue?

Happiness

2009-11-04T09:57:00.002-05:00

I've been pretty quiet on the blogosphere lately, which I'm sure some of you may have noticed. It's been a combination of being very busy and that old saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." At last I can both show you what I've been busy doing and describe my utter happiness.

What have I been doing? Going into business for myself, that's what. I have opened an online shop that sells handdyed fibers and yarns. I have spent the last two weeks creating inventory, getting the necessary licenses and forms filled out, and photographing things in order to list them. Last night I listed seven of the first ten items I have ready to sell. I call it the Proverbs Collection - ten items that have been inspired by common proverbs. I'm still teaching and still working at Rite Aid, which has slowed me down, but with the help and support of my husband, I am official. I'm working with a student here at the high school who is developing my business graphics and hope to have that part up and running soon. There are a few other things that still need to be done, but for now I'm on my way.

My utter happiness is because within five minutes, I had two sales. Two people liked my fiber enough to pay money for them. I'm officially a fiberista! (okay, a made up word, but I'm totally using it.) I will be heading to the post office shortly to mail the packages out. The two ladies who purchased from me are women I know through the magic of the internet, and are both lovely ladies with impeccable taste. One is a handdyer of yarn herself and has quite a following. I consider this very high praise! I know that I won't always be this lucky, but today I am so happy nothing and no one can touch me. It has been months since I smiled on my way to work. Months. I'm finally allowing myself to believe that someday I may be able to have the yarn and fiber shop I so desperately want.

Please, if you would, click on the hyperlink and visit my shop. You don't have to buy anything, or create a profile on Etsy or anything like that. Just come back here and tell me what you think. Please?

Seriously?

2009-10-21T06:50:00.002-05:00

I am not a person who usually feels the effects of a stress-filled life. I do not have trouble sleeping, I don't get ulcers ... in fact, there's usually only one way I know that I am feeling stress:

My eyelids twitch.

I know this sounds like no big deal, but my eyelids don't twitch like ordinary people's do. I don't get one or two tiny flutters that are more entertaining than annoying. MY eyelids twitch at about 80 tpm (twitches per minute), each "twitch" lasting a couple of seconds. This happens several times a minute and has currently been going on for FOUR DAYS. I wear contact lenses, so three or four times a minute my vision in my right eye goes wonky, because the twitch is upsetting the delicate location of the lens on my cornea.

I hate, hate, hate it when my eyelids twitch.

This happens every time I am experiencing stress or am spreading myself too thin. Since I hate my jobs and am broke all the time and am dealing with stupid family drama as well as an ailing grammie, I am apparently feeling the effects. And for the forseeable future there is no change in sight.

And so I twitch.

Friday Fragments a bit late

2009-10-19T08:24:00.002-05:00

I know Friday Fragments are supposed to be posted on Friday, but I didn't blog then so I'm posting them today.
My grammie is out of the hospital and is now at a residential rehabilitation center. I have no idea when she will be able to come home, but her doctors seem to think she will be able to. I'm hoping by Thanksgiving, but if she needs to stay there, I want them to keep her - I don't want her to come home before she is healed and stronger. She is still in a lot of pain, but they are trying to manage it as best they can.
My husband had an accident yesterday. He washed a huge load of dishes and washed the floor, which I was thrilled about. As he was sliding lunch into the oven, some of the clean dishes started to fall to the floor. As he raced out to catch them, he slipped on the wet floor and fell. His knee popped out of joint and then back in, and his back locked up completely. He was in so much pain yesterday he could barely move. He's moving a tiny bit better today, but not much. I can't blame him if he decides never to clean again.
My fingers are sore from knitting. My index fingers, which I use to push the needles where I need them are covered in tiny red dots - some of which are broken skin. I'm moisturizing like crazy because I have ten and a half more Christmas projects to knit and only two months left before Christmas. I hope to finish at least two this week.
My commute is often the best part of my day (at least until snow flies). Just this morning I saw a wild turkey, a bull moose, and a spotted owl. A couple of weeks ago, I saw a gathering of six moose - that does not happen often. No one I've spoken to has ever seen that many together at once. It was beautiful. I love to see owls in the morning. I've only seen three or four in all of my commutes but they are so lovely. It's like a gift the road gives me once in a while. I will miss this drive when I change jobs.
Bear and I have decided that in order to reach our financial goals, we must combine checking accounts. I'm much better about paying bills on time, but he is much better about limiting miscellaneous spending than I am. So each week as we get paid I will pay the bills that need paying and he will be in charge of eating out, picking up whatever sundries we need, and all entertainment costs. I've already curtailed a lot of my spending, so for at least the first week, it's working. We will be setting up the monthly budget tonight. I love that we can communicate well about money, and that although the lack of funds is a stressor for us, it isn't a stressor between us. We are united in our financial plans. I read somewhere that money is the number one thing couples fight about. I'm glad that we aren't part of that statistic!

Grammie

2009-10-12T06:37:00.004-05:00

1. Friday morning, just before I left the high school to go to the elementary school, I checked my email and found this:

mother has fallen possible broken arm possible broken back debbie call gus

This is from my dad to Mom and I about my 94-year old grandmother. I was, of course, very upset. I hate hate hate how my parents email me shit like this instead of calling like normal human beings. I immediately called my mother to get more information. Gram is frail as it is, much of which stems from breaking her back ten years ago. She has very bad osteoporosis and so her bones don't heal. I was in tears, trying to hold myself together, and thinking rapidly about my work shedule for the weekend. Could I go home if I had to? How soon could I be there?

Mom didn't know much when I called, and told me to finish my work day and call her at 2pm when I got out of work. I helped my first graders learn about spiders and smiled, trying to ignore the silence of my phone. At 2:00 I rushed outside and called Mom again. Of all of the people in my family, my grandmother and father are the only two that are not allowed to get hurt or die. They must live forever, because their deaths would crush me. The same goes with injury - they must not ever be in pain. I cannot deal with the thought of them lying in a hospital bed, their care depending on strangers who do not know them like I do. Who do not understand how awesome they are. Grammie especially. Where most people see frail old lady, I see the strong, resourceful woman who taught me how to be a good person. Who taught me the meaning of hard work, determination, courage, and grace. She was my first and very best teacher. I love her endlessly, and the thought of her hurt - well, I wasn't taking it very well. As for Gram's state of mind? She was just worried about bothering people, and keeping my dad and uncle from the moose hunt they have scheduled for this week (both of them went).

It's been back and forth since then. Mom said they were waiting on an Ortho specialist to see if Gram needed to have surgery. She fractured her shoulder and a bone in her hip. I found out just this morning that she won't need surgery, but will be removed to a rehabilitation center to convalesce. I'm glad she doesn't need surgery, but I can't help but wonder if she'll be able to come back home. Grammie is not a woman who accepts her limitations (which is probably why she fell to begin with). Can she return to the home she's lived in for more than 40 years? How will her spirit continue on, untrammeled, if she cannot be where her heart is?

I'm being overly dramatic, but if you knew my Gram you'd know how important her health and happiness are. Please, if you're of a religious mind, pray for my Grammie to heal quickly and with a minimum of stress. Even if you aren't, please think good thoughts for her, as I am each moment.

Nesting

2009-10-07T14:54:00.002-05:00

There's something about the crisp air, shortening days, and cooler weather that makes me want to bake. As soon as Bear and I bring back our bagful of apples (we only picked 23 pounds of apples this year! That's good for us - the first year, we picked 40), I get into the kitchen and start baking the "Flavors of Fall" as I like to call them. First is apple pie, followed by apple bread, apple crisp, and this year, applesauce. Pink cinnamon applesauce (I put red hots in it. It's delicious. I swear!). I also foray into the pumpkin arena. This is newish territory to me, as before Bear I had no use for pumpkin. His mother made him pumpkin chocolate chip cookies when he was a child, though, and he loves them. Since I'm in a baking mood I bake him some of those, too. I have his mother's recipe, and I've copied it here for all of you to share. It's quick and easy, and it makes a LOT of cookies. Enjoy!

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies
2 eggs, beaten
1 large can pumpkin
1 cup vegetable oil
2 cups sugar
4 cups flour
2 tsp baking soda
4 tsp baking powder
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp salt
2 tsp milk
2 tsp vanilla
1 bag chocolate chips or chocolate chunks

Mix ingredients together. Drop by rounded teaspoon unto ungreased cookie sheets. Bake @ 375 degrees until done. Yield: approx. 6 dozen.

Happy baking!

Update (for Hallie)

2009-10-01T06:48:00.003-05:00

I am sorry to have left that last post up, unupdated, for so long. You see, less than 24 hours after uploading my resume, they called me and wanted an interview.

They hadn't even received my letters of recommendation or transcripts yet.

I was excited, and was very hopeful about the interview. I had been offered a position there years ago, and turned them down to go to Lincoln (that was a mistake, it turns out).

Tuesday morning I put on my best interview outfit (including the pearl necklace and earrings I received as a wedding gift), and off I went.

I had a good interview - I made them laugh a couple of times, I answered articulately, and even re-connected with a fellow grad student I hadn't seen in a few years. The principal thanked me for coming and said she'd let me know either way within a couple of days.

That afternoon I received a phone call. The caller ID showed it to be the principal. Heart pounding with excitement, I answered the phone.

"Yes, Heather? I just wanted to call you and let you know that we offered the position to another candidate, and he accepted. Thank you for applying and have a nice day."

I mumbled some kind of platitude and hung up, sort of stunned. I really thought I'd be offered the position. To say I was bummed was putting it mildly. Working in Newport would have been the final piece in the puzzle of Bear and I moving to Bangor next summer. I knew I'd have to return to my current school for at least the remainder of the school year, and the thought depressed me.

I know now more than an ever how much I do not want to be here. I don't think I realized how much until I had the possibility of something more. Something better.

I am going to keep searching and keep trying, but this still stings a bit.

Seek and Sometimes, Ye Find

2009-09-24T07:41:00.002-05:00

I've made no secret about the fact that I am unhappy at my current teaching placement. I've been wronged by administration here several times and now am having to adjust to being in the first grade half of each day. I am not ashamed to admit that I am struggling. Some days it's not so bad; others I'm near tears.

After the fabulous weekend I had with Bear recently, I did not want to go back to school. My body was almost physically resisting having to go back. Whenever I thought about the approaching Monday, my muscles would lock. Monday night Bear asked me how my day was. I just looked at him, replying, "It went. It's over now. That's all I can ask right now." I could tell he was unhappy with my answer, but I wasn't going to sugar coat and I'm not known for keeping things inside. As a consolation, I said, "Newport posted a HS English position this week. That's pretty unheard of, to post during the school year. I wonder what happened."
He raised an eyebrow. "You should apply," he advised.
"You think?" I asked. I hadn't considered that before. Changing a teaching job during the school year is almost unheard of. It simply isn't done, although legally it can be. I'm pretty sure that I'd have to give a 30 day notice before I could leave my current position, but would have to look through my contract (it isn't something I'm well-versed in).
Bear convinced me that I had nothing to lose: I was obviously unhappy where I was and the worst that could happen is that I wouldn't hear from Newport at all.

So I did. I filled out the electronic application and attached my resume, and yesterday mailed them my letters of recommendation and transcripts. I'm not really sure how I feel about this. I'm conflicted. Although I have heard very good things about Newport, it won't be easy starting over after the school year has begun, and there's such a risk in exchanging the devil I know for the one I don't. But I know I'm unhappy here. Ugh! It's difficult to see this situation at all clearly. So last night I crawled into bed and opened my current book for a little escapism before falling asleep.

And there it was, on the last page of the chapter I was reading:

"It's a hard thing to risk what you know and are sure of, just for the possibility of something better. Even when it's a pretty strong possibility and something that's a whole lot better."

I'm trying to take it as a sign.

Bar Harbor Band & Trust 1/2 Marathon and 5K (Sept. 19, 2009)

2009-09-22T15:14:00.003-05:00

You have to look for it, but you can see my name (Heather Kinne) and my time (after Brownville Junction) in the pics. The third one is me crossing the finish line. Yes, I am still running. I didn't do quite as well as I'd hoped (35:45), but considering I had to walk some of it (two weeks of resting my shins did nothing for my cardiovascular abilities), it wasn't terrible. All in all, I was glad I'd done it, happy I finished, and thrilled that Bear was there. I did find it ironic that of all people I should be the one to come in 69th place. Those of you who know me in real life are shaking your head in understanding right now. I know. I'd like to do this race again next year and see how I do. Maybe I can make it into the top 50?

Friday Fragments

2009-09-18T07:43:00.003-05:00

This weekend, Bear and I are going to spend time in one of our favorite places in Maine - Bar Harbor. I'll be participating in a 5k race Saturday morning, but the rest of the time will be spent relaxing, reconnecting, and enjoying each other. On our way home Sunday we'll stop at our favorite orchard to go apple picking. I can't wait. We have so much fun together.
I've been cleared by my doctor to race, despite my shin splints. I developed shin splints when I bought new running sneakers. Apparently money can't buy you comfort.
$130 sneakers should NOT cause shin splints.
And they shouldn't be available only in Portland, which means I have to go back there to return them. Ugh.
Sometime soon I'll be taking the next step in the ongoing birth control dilemma (I'm saving details for another post). I'm excited about it.
I don't have to go to the first grade today. I'm very excited about it. Not that I don't enjoy the little ones, but I peg an 8 on my stress meter at least twice each day. I'm still adjusting.
I am the most forgetful person I know. I don't mean to, but most days I forget at least one important thing and usually I forget more than that. It does no good to make lists, because I often can't remember what I did with the list once I finished it! This is frustrating to people who know me. They have no idea how much it frustrates me.

Okay, that's all I have to frag about today. I hope you all have great weekends! I will post pics from this weekend once I get back. I owe you guys some pics I think. It's been a while!

5 Minute Writing Exercise

2009-09-15T07:54:00.002-05:00

Courtesy of Jenny from Roughly Speaking.

Writing prompt: What is not obvious about you?

Looking at my life from the outside, you'd never guess my deepest desire. Looking at me, you'd see that I'm an ordinary high school English teacher who works part time at a local pharmacy. I don't smoke or do drugs, I consume alcohol about once a month (and usually only one or two drinks in an evening), and I follow the rules. I wear my seatbelt. I use my blinker. I don't steal, cheat, or do anything I shouldn't.

But deep inside, I yearn to be different.

I want to be a kickass bitch who doesn't care about others, who does what feels good and fuck the consequences. I want danger to ooze from me, for people to pick up on it and make way for me on the sidewalk. I want to be dangerous.

I want to be badass.

My husband laughs at my pathetic attempts to become badass while still following rules - I'll wear my Korn t-shirt, but only under a high-necked sweater. I listen to rock music in my car, but still follow all traffic regulations. He loves me dearly, but doen't think I'll ever earn the badass label.

And maybe he's right. Because no matter how badly I want to be Gemma from "Sons of Anarchy" (the new show I am absolutely addicted to), I can't stop following rules long enough to accomplish it. I had very strict parents who would punish mercilessly any infraction. I learned from a young age that following rules kept one from punishment. It sounds as though I blame my parents for my inability to flout the law and those that uphold it, but the truth is that I like rules. I like knowing what I am and am not supposed to do. It gives structure to my life that otherwise I'd be lacking. It comforts me when I know that I'm not at risk for punishment.

I wonder sometimes what it would take for me to change.

Your turn: What is not obvious about you? Take 5 minutes and write it on your blog (or in the comments) and I'll be sure to read it. Thanks jenny for making me think this morning!

Good and Bad

2009-09-09T06:42:00.002-05:00

Good: Bear and I had a fabulous Labor Day weekend, which included a trip to Portland to get lots of things for us. Well really for me. I got a new pair of running sneakers, running pants, a pink running t-shirt, 5 new pairs of undies from Victoria's Secret, and some other stuff I can't remember right now. We bought birthday gifts for Mark and Tara (their birthdays were the 3rd and 8th, respectively), which was a lot of fun because we had the money to spend on them and they are fairly easy to shop for. My dad's birthday is the 15th, and I have no idea what to get him.

Bad: After running a hills course on Monday, I think I have shin splints. I tried running yesterday and only got a single mile before I had to stop and walk. I was in tears not only because it hurt, but because I'm worried that now I won't be able to run in the 5k race I've been training for. The race is the 19th.

Good: I received in the mail the $500 Visa gift card I won on the blog Suburban Turmoil a couple of weeks ago. We celebrated by going to Bangor last night and eating at Pizza Hut.

Bad: I'm lactose intolerant, and pizza has a *lot* of cheese on it.

I'm tired today, but am trying to find the energy I need to work with the little ones today and work at Rite Aid tonight.

How are you doing?

As the Dust Settles...

2009-08-28T08:37:00.003-05:00

... things are falling into place.

I've been back at school since Tuesday. The first two days were inservice; all of the beginning-of-the-year stuff we need to know about, as well as getting my classroom ready for a new year's worth of kids. Wednesday I spent the morning at the elementary school, hoping that they had figured out what it was I was supposed to be doing there every afternoon. They hadn't yet, and told me to come back Thursday and maybe they'd have figured it out.

Thursday was the first day of school for kindergarten through ninth grade. My morning was spent doing paperwork and such (since I don't teach freshmen). I ate lunch, and at 11:00 I arrived at the elementary school.

Oh. My. God.

Let me begin by saying that I don't dislike children. I really don't. I just don't know how to deal with them. I've never been around little kids, so I never learned the appropriate ways to deal with them. It never was a problem, because when was I ever going to be around little kids? I'm only certified to teach grades 7-12, and since I won't be having children of my own, this was never a problem. Until yesterday.

Everything started out great. My assignment, which they gave me yesterday when I entered the building, is to help with first grade math and writer's workshop. Since it will be several days before they begin those routines, for now I'm just supposed to help out where I can. The kids trooped in from lunch and sat down on the carpet while I sat in the back of the room. They're cute little buggers (including one that is a tiny peanut with a mohawk!), but wow, they were full of energy. None could sit still, even when the teacher called for their attention.

The first part of the afternoon I didn't have to do much. They had share time, then went to music class. Terrific. I had a bit of a breather and spoke with both first grade teachers about what I will be doing, who I will be helping, and what that will be like. I am going to have to learn to be very, very flexible as things change in the elementary classroom way more than they do at the high school. High energy has never been something my high school students suffer from.

After music, Ms. P had the kids start an art project to bring home to their parents. Two red school houses that they had to cut out and glue together with glue sticks, and some other embellishments to add. Sounds simple, right?

"Mrs. Kinne, I can't cut this part. It's too tricky."
"Can you help me?"
"Did I cut this right?"
"How do I fold this?"
"What do I do next?"
"Uh-oh, I ripped it!"

Seventeen first graders were suddenly all clamoring for my attention. All at once, right on top of each other. My poor high school brain was almost immediately overwhelmed. I wanted to have a meltdown right there, but kept it together as best as I could. We got through that okay, and as the end of the day approached, Ms. P asked kids if they had to go to the bathroom. Several did. One little boy came back and looked at me with big eyes. "I can't get my zipper. Can you help me?"

Seriously. I had to zip up a boy's pants. I have NEVER done that before in my life. EVER. I felt like Arnold Schwartzenneger in Kindergarten Cop. Suddenly I knew what that kind of get-me-out-of-here desperation felt like. And yes, I zipped his zipper. My face was probably flaming with embarassment, but I did it.

After that was story time - kids could pick a book and read it on the rug while they waited to be dismissed. No less than four kids wanted to be read to, and others wanted "help." I tried to get them started and leave them, but they kept coming back, like waves, each one more insistent than the one before.

When they were dismissed at 2:05, I was exhausted and sweaty. I'd had two kids on my lap at different times (I don't even know the rules about that!) and left feeling more overwhelmed than ever. I have no idea what I am doing there. None.

And at 11:00 today ... I have to go back.

Friday Fragments (a la Alice and Hallie)

2009-08-21T09:02:00.003-05:00

Alice and Hallie both do Friday Fragments, so I thought Id give it a whirl.

*I do not now, nor will I ever, forgive Michael Vick. People seem to think that because he went to jail, because he said he was sorry, he should be forgiven and we should forget about the dogs he tortured and killed and get back to watching him play football. In his interview with James Brown, Vick said he felt sick about the things he "allowed to happen." He didn't allow them to happen; he did them. I am disgusted that he got another NFL contract, even though I am unsurprised by it. I'm starting to wonder if there needs to be a change in the NFL. Maybe convicted felons should lose all contracts, monies, endorsement deals, and any chance at the Hall of Fame. There are thousands of talented athletes out there that don't break the law, that don't electrocute and kill harmless animals. That aren't assholes. Why don't we let them play and boot the criminals out of the league?

*My husband never ceases to inspire, humble, and impress me. Last weekend, we went to the Maine Highland Games. He has Scottish ancestry, and we went to see if we could figure out which major clan he belongs to. While taking a break from the heat and sun, we watched some of the actual athletic events. They are terrific, really, in their simplicity. Throw a rock as far as you can. Throw a weight as high as you can. Toss a sack over a bar. I thoroughly enjoyed them. I had the stray thought that my husband would be marvelous at these events. He must have had the same thought or read my mind, because he has registered as an amateur as a Highland Games Competitor. He will compete next year at the games, and has already begun training. I am awed by his drive and desire; by his courage in going after what he wants. He blogged about his decision on his blog. I hope you'll go over and give him some encouragement!

*I am running a 5k race in September, on the 19th. I wasn't going to race this year, since back in March I couldn't find any events. Bear came through for me and even paid my entrance fee. He is always encouraging me to run, and knew I needed a kick in the pants. Two more days and I'll be at 30 minutes of run time again, something I was nowhere near two weeks ago.

*The sun makes me itchy. No really! Anytime I spend time in the sun, my face reacts, gets all puffy and thick, and itches fit to drive me crazy. Can one be allergic to the sun? Or am I just a baby?

*I'm thinking of entering a yarn I made into the arts and crafts section of the local fair. Im not sure how much of a dork that makes me, but I'm in love with the yarn and really want to show it off. Is that wrong?

*I need to get off the computer and get cleaning/working/doing stuff. I spend *way* too much time here!

*I saw a dead racoon on the side of the road the other day and realized that my cat is as big as it was, and nearly the same color. My mind wandered for several minutes onto the paths of parallel evolution and survival of the fittest. Then I shifted tracks and thought about red hot dogs. My mind works in mysterious ways!

*Okay, I really really need to go do some chores. Later!

Shit.

2009-08-13T07:50:00.003-05:00

I got an email from my principal today, and it's official - I'll be spending three hours each afternoon working in the elementary school's resource room.

Damnit.

Let's do the math, shall we?

A three dollar an hour paycut x 3 hours a day x 10 days in a pay period = $90 less a paycheck. If I cut out both unions fees by dropping the unions (what good are they doing me anyway?) I'll save $25 a paycheck. So I'll still be losing $65 a paycheck at school.

At Rite Aid, I make $8 an hour. In order to make up the difference, I will have to work an extra 4 hours a week, x the 2 weeks in the pay period.

That moves me from 20 to 24 hours a week. That's 65 hours away from the house a week.

If I work both Sunday and Saturday (8 hours each), I'll have to work 2 nights a week. If I have one of those days off, I'll have to work 4 nights that week. I can't work on Tuesday because I have staff meetings.

This is rapidly approaching ridiculous.

To save money, I can take the car to work instead of the truck. Even though I love my truck. Even though the truck is safer if I hit a moose.

I can work on selling handdyed fiber and handspun yarn. If I work diligently at this, I could potentially work one less shift a week. But when would I do it?

I can say goodbye to learning to make blueberry wine, giving fabulous gifts at Christmas, getting new running sneakers, and buying anything on my Amazon wishlist.

I can join my bank account and Bear's and only spend money on bills; he will be in charge of any and all money left over, since I would just spend it anyway.

I can apply for another forbearance on my school loans. If I have any left, that would give us a six month window of fewer bills to worry about.

This is all so much to think about. I'm not sure how we'll make it this year, honestly. But at least the loan is paid off. That will hopefully make a difference.

How do you all do it? Is money this tight for anyone else?

Summer's End

2009-08-11T07:36:00.001-05:00

It's begun. As summer nears its end and the start of a new school year begins its slow approach, the ceaseless round of questions begin.
"When do you go back to school?"
"Will you be teaching at the same place?"
"Are you ready to go back?"
"You looking forward to a new year?"

The answers are August 25th, sort of, I guess so, and not at all.
*I return to school with two days of inservice on August 25th, a Tuesday. The first freshman day will be Thursday of that week, and upper classmen on the Friday. It is asinine to have students start a school year on a Friday. Why even come?
*The teaching half of my job is secure. I was un-laid off, if that makes sense, so my teaching position will be there. However, no one seems to know about the ed tech half of my job. The last three years I was a Title 1 Literacy Ed Tech Three, teaching two freshman classes and making about $18 an hour for three hours a day. At the end of the school year I was told that due to budget cuts and seniority issues I may have to give that position up to anther woman and take an Ed Tech Two position at the elementary school, in theresource room. Making $11 an hour. This is absolutely unacceptable to me. I LOATHE little kids - especially those that bite and pee on you. I have never taught at the elementary level, let alone at the special ed level. I am absolutely unqualified for that job. It frankly terrifies me. I asked my principal last week if he knew what was going on with that, and he doesn't. I probably won't be told what I'll be doing until I get there on the 25th. Ugh.
*As for being ready to go back... I guess so. I know who most of my students will be, I know what I'll be teaching, I know what specific bullshit I'll be asked to do and deal with... so in that respect I'm ready.
*Am I looking forward to it? Not at all. Usually I am excited to start a new year; I love the possibilities that come with starting fresh. This year I am more aware than ever that it doesn't matter what I teach them, because the way grades are reported suck and hurt kids. That no one cares what life lessons my students learn; they only care about what can be measured. It's disheartening to say the least.

I applied for a new job over the summer, but there weren't many available and the ones that were exist too far away to make working there feasible. When I got the call that I was un-laid off, I told my husband that I would return to my school for one more year. But I also told him that this will be my last year. I am too unhappy where I'm at to stay any longer. I'm tired of being bullshitted, dicked around, and lied to. I'm tired of the sneakiness, the underhandedness, and the drama that goes on. It isn't good for me. He agreed, and we have a tentative plan to stay where we are for one more year and next summer to get new jobs, move away, and start a new and better life. We are going to sell the house and move completely out of Brownville Junction. He will quit his job at the mill and attend college classes for the first time.

I can't wait.

Summer time

2009-07-12T06:24:00.002-05:00

It's been almost a month since I've blogged. I'm sorry, especially as my last blog showed me being in a very negative frame of mind. I'm over that, thankfully. The end of the school year brings a lot of mixed emotions. Most of what I was feeling was stemming from the fact that I don't know if I'll be back there to teach next year. I know that I don't really want to go back, but there aren't a lot of high school English teacher positions open near where I live. I've applied for three in an eighty mile radius from home. I'm waiting to hear back.

Bear and I took our annual trip to Bar Harbor the first weekend I was free from school. We take our tent and camp, as it is much cheaper than a hotel room and we can use the money we saved to do things in the Harbor. This time it poured every single day. We were soaked, frustrated, and bored. It wasn't nearly as much fun as it was last year. We'll try again next year, I guess. We did have some good times laying in the tent and reading. Each of us read through an entire novel (and I got halfway through another one).

Shortly after we returned home, Bear and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that it's been two years since we got married. Other times it feels like I've always loved him. As time passes, I am more and more convinced that I hit the husband jackpot with him. I've never met anyone as kind, caring, honest, hardworking, and funny as this man. I am more and more thankful to have him as time passes. With Bear I feel that I have a true partner in life; someone who wants the same things I want and will work with me to get them. He blogged on the day of our anniversary, saying:

Two years ago today, we met together on the shores of Pleasant Pond surrounded by our friends and family and vowed our love for each other. 730 days later we stand together still, better, stronger and if possible even more in love. We've taken on this rollercoaster and walked off the other end, sometimes a little woozy and stumbling from time to time but we have always come out the end. I love you Heather Naomi Monroe Kinne, more and more with every day. You have taught me that is alright to dream, to believe in things, and to take care of myself as well as others. You have stood by me when others would have run. You have showed me unhindered devotion and caring. I truly believe that you are the thing that makes me complete and I feel so lucky to have you. I love you, babe. Happy Anniversary

Other than that I've been working at Rite Aid and hanging out with Bear. He's been laid off this month so it's been nice to have him home each day. He's sweet enough to bring me to work and pick me up most days, as well as do housekeeping chores and get the mail. I am really spoiled. This is the first week since April that has had more than two sunny days in a row - Maine has had rain almost every single day this spring/summer. It's been really hard to accomplish anything outside. At least the rain means my flowers are growing, I guess.

So much has been going on in the bloggy world - Alice had her baby (Hi Austin!), Hallie is almost to her goal of 5,000 dollars raised for Organ Donation Awareness, and Fox is in the Southwest with a marvelous man (who totally needs to guest blog so that we can all "meet" him), and Cheryl is trying her best to make lemonade out of lemons. I wish you all the best in your summer adventures!

I'll try to be back to semi-regluar blogging (I think I needed a mental break from it all). Thanks to all of you for sticking with me!

I'm trying, I really am.

2009-06-16T12:39:00.004-05:00

I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

For those of you that don't know me in real life or follow me on Plurk, you may not know that I got pink slipped from school on Friday. It's the teacher half of my job, not the ed tech half, although where that's concerned I've been told I *might* not be a high school literacy ed tech III next year; I may be an ed tech II in the Elementary school Special Ed room. While the superintendent is "confident I'll be able to return in the spring," I am not. I don't believe that the town will care enough about my half of a position to save it, when it means less money out of their pockets. I didn't get either of the two jobs I applied for a few weeks ago (I got my application in too late), so I'm becoming increasingly desperate and frustrated and hopeless and anxious.
School is technically "out," as the last official day was last Thursday. I am here Monday through Thursday from 8-1 working on my curriculum. Because they pay me extra. Because that extra money is going towards buying me a spinning wheel. Every morning I wake up and wish I could stay in bed. The drive in to work I can actually feel my body resisting the trip North. I am antisocial while I am here. I shut my door, attempt to work, and spend large quantities of time staring in a stupor around me, wondering what the hell I am going to do if I have to move my entire classroom. Wondering what the hell I am going to do next year if I'm not here. Because teaching jobs are few and far between right now, and honestly? The drama I've dealt with all year is making me question myself. Question my choice of career. Question whether I was meant to be a teacher.
While all of this is going on, I am trying to keep a game face on. Trying to appear as though I'm shrugging it all off, as though it's all just rolling off of my back. But on the inside, I am roiling. While sitting here at my laptop I scrawled these lines down:

This feeling is building -
rising inside me.
The panic, the pressure,
that makes me want to throw up.
It wants to scratch, claw its way out,
Loose a long low cry
Rip itself from my center
so I can feel relief.

My outsides are still
But my insides are boiling.
A roiling sea of anxiety, of nausea,
of pain.

I wrap it, strap it, swallow it down.
Tighten my muscled
against its insistent urging,
its pushing to be free.
To rip, claw, hack, tear its way out,
And leave me,
hollow,
behind it.

All I want, all I need, is to make it through Thursday. Once Thursday is over, Bear and I are on our way to Bar Harbor for my birthday/our anniversary weekend. It's the first trip we take each summer and the one we look forward to most each year. Nothing is allowed to intrude on our weekend - no stress, no work, nothing but the ocean and each other. If I can make it to Friday, I will be okay. I will be able to deal with this situation, with this clusterf**k that is my life.

I'm trying. I really am.

Free for a limited time!

2009-06-09T07:07:00.002-05:00

To the left of my blog is a new widget. Do you see it? It's for the National Bone Marrow Donor List. Please consider joining. It takes just a few minutes to register and it may save a life. For a limited time, registration is free! The promo runs until my birthday, the 22nd, or until they get 46,000 donors. I imagine they will reach that number quickly, so do what I did and sign up today! The site is easy to navigate and answers many questions people may have about becoming a donor. Feel free also to add this widget to your own blog - it's super easy to do and will help get the word out that much faster. Thanks!

A weather eye*

2009-06-03T07:39:00.002-05:00

Last night while my husband was mowing the lawn (for the third time in a row, even though we are *supposed* to take turns), I wandered around the house looking for something productive to do. I'd just returned from hanging out the laundry, and it is painfully obvious to me that it's time for a new clothespin bag. My current one is hanging on by one rusty grommet and is all ripped to shreds:

An idea struck me: I will SEW a new one! I came up with a simple pattern in a pretty purple fabric and set about making it. As I was cutting the fabric, the thought occurred to me that it's as easy to make two as it is to make one. And if I made two, I could give one away! Sweet!

So keep a weather eye on the bloggy horizon, for in the next week or two I should be posting pics of the clothespin bag and details on how you can win one for your very own!

*This exact entry was re-posted to my other blog, as well, so if you read both, you're not seeing double. I promise.

At least it wasn't all bad...

2009-06-01T07:32:00.002-05:00

Friday morning I had to go to the doctor's office, as I thought maybe my nose was broken. Bear and I were roughhousing (whatever. There are no parents around to warn us about such things) and I took an accidental headbutt to the nose. Bear and I both heard the crunch of my nose and backed up in preparation for the gush of blood we both thought was coming. It never did, and my nose didn't swell and I didn't get a black eye. But I had a headache for DAYS right over my nose and it wouldn't go away.

I shouldn't have wasted my time. The doctor took my blood pressure and pulse, asked me a few questions, felt my nose for a second, ("does this hurt? How about this?") and said that it might be broken and it might not, but unless I lose my sense of smell or neurological function, that there was nothing to be done and I should take ibuprofen for the pain.

Couldn't she have told me that over the phone??

I had to go to school after that because I was scheduled to meet with the superintendent of our district at 2pm. 2pm meetings on Fridays are NEVER a good sign. My principal said he would go in with me, which made me feel marginally better as my principal rocks. Bear, who only works half the day on Friday came too but hung out in my room during the meeting.

Remember a while back when I posted about possibly losing the teacher half of my job? Well that never happened. But just as I was breathing a sigh of relief, news of this meeting came down. Here's what happened:

Our school is losing a 1/2 time library aid position. The person in that position is an ed tech III. She is taking my ed tech III position because she has more seniority than me. I am being busted down to an ed tech II and will have to spend half of each day in the elementary school special ed room. I am losing about six dollars an hour, times three hours a day for a daily loss of about eighteen dollars. Multiply that by ten times in the two week pay period and I lose $180 a paycheck. It's ridiculous, and what's worse is there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. This is exactly the way the contract says it is supposed to be done. The real kicker is that the lady taking my ed tech III position is not qualified to teach English - she has a math degree. I'm three classes away from obtaining my master's degree in literacy education.

I put my principal on notice that I am looking for a new job. I don't know for sure if I'll get one, so I'm not resigning from the job I currently have, but my teaching career has to last me the next thirty years. I cannot take a step BACK like this. I must keep moving forward. Please wish me luck as I apply for the two jobs I blogged about last week. I will be applying for any other positions in a fifty mile radius of my home that are full time H.S. English positions.

Because Friday was such a sucky day, Bear decided I needed a little bit of retail therapy. I've been in the market for a new cell phone since February. Friday night, I came home with this baby:

It's an LG Banter, a cell phone with a complete QWERTY keyboard. And the best part? It's kelly green. I LOVE it. It's made of awesome, and it helped take the edge off of Friday. I love the phone, and I love love love Bear for buying it for me. He's really what keeps me together.

Hmmm...

2009-05-27T12:34:00.004-05:00

I know what it means when you find one of these:

But what does it mean when you find one of these:
That's a five leaf clover. FIVE. I found it and two four leaf clovers Sunday morning while taking down the tent at my parents. Here are all three in Bear's shirt pocket:

It was a great weekend. A perfect weekend. Bear's good at making those possible. it's one of the reasons I'm so lucky to have him. As in, five leaf clover lucky.

A Fragmented Friday - with Pictures!

2009-05-22T07:33:00.005-05:00

It's Friday, and I'm pissed at my students right now (NOT ONE OF THEM did their homework from last class. not ONE. Damnit!) so I'm blogging instead. Since I didn't plan on blogging today and don't have a post in mind, I thought I'd share some recent pics off of my camera with you.

First, I don't know if you know this about me, but I love, love, love being a contradiction. A straight A student with a tattoo and tongue ring. A teacher who listens to rock and drives fast. A woman who owns a pickup truck. You know... contradictory stuff. That's why when I went running on Wednesday, I wore this shirt:Last year I participated in Gift of Green's Clothesline Challenge. It's a simple challenge, really - dry as much of your laundry outside as you can. I have an enormous clothes line - it comfortably holds about eight loads of laundry. It's empty this morning after bringing in the three loads that were on it, but you can see that it's heavy duty:
You can park a pickup underneath that thing. There are eight lines strung with room for three more if I need them. It's made of awesome. Click to embiggen the picture.

Unfortunately, all that clothes hanging has done a number on my clothespin bag. Look at how sad it is:I really ought to make a new one. I will have to look at my fabric stash and see what I can come up with. This one is ripped, is hanging on by just one side, has a rusty hook... it's hurt.

This time of year is one of the best times to ride the road I do to work each day, as the moose are out in full force. I saw eight in one morning! I see at least a couple of moose each day. I try to take pictures of them if no one's behind me (and there rarely is), but moose are notoriously camera shy:I love seeing the moose each spring, seeing how many of them came through the winter okay, who has new babies and who has gotten bigger. This morning, I saw my first dead moose on the roadside. She made it through the winter, only to be hit and killed by a truck this spring. It's awful. I am consoled a bit by the knowledge that the moose's carcass will feed the pack of coyotes that crossed the road just North of her. I try to remind myself that although humans definitely interfere with nature even on my road, at least nature is making the best of it.

Finally, I spent some time on Tuesday working in my three raised bed gardens. So far I've planted tomato, green pepper, lettuce, and strawberries (I only took a pic of the lettuce):
The chives come up each year on their own, but this is the first year I'll have chive flowers: Last fall I transplanted some tulips I found forgotten in a back corner of the house to my front flower bed with my crocus bulbs, and they made it through the winter and bloomed nicely:

Have a great weekend, everyone. I know I will!

Bear-y Loved

2009-05-21T07:11:00.002-05:00

That's a terrible pun (for which I apologize), but I just wanted to share with you the wonderful thing Bear has planned for us Saturday.

Let me back up. Bear and I have been married almost two years and been together three and a half years, and in that time I have come to realize just how lucky I am to have Bear in my life. You see, we don't have a lot of the issues other couples do. We genuinely like each other, for one. We never belittle each other to friends or call each other names. We rarely fight, and if we do it is focused on a behavior, not a personality trait. We have similar views on many things including the importance of working each day and of paying off our debt. Often we think the same thing at the same time (at least every other day one of us says, "I was just thinking that!"). There is a solid foundation of support for each other - he supports my love of fiber, and I encourage him to continue his education. We don't fight about the things other couples fight about, because we don't upset each other. We both understand and value alone time, and there is no jealousy or clingy-ness to our love.

In short, we're great together.

When I first met Bear, I didn't think I wanted to date him. He wasn't my type, for one, and I'd just gotten out of a relationship, for two. But Bear was so sure he wanted me - he never pushed or pressured, but he made me understand that he wanted to be with me and he would do whatever it took to make me feel the same way. He convinced me to fall in love with him, and I've never regretted it.

I think it's that need to convince me that makes him continue to work so hard at making me happy. If I've had a bad day at work, he cuddles me on the couch, and if I'm feeling fat he encourages me to go for a run (even when I whine about it).

Saturday, he's taking me on a picnic.

I have been wishing lately that I could take him up my road to work as the moose are out and I know he loves seeing them as much as I do. When I learned I didn't have to work on Saturday, I considered asking him to take a drive with me in the morning. I should have known better, because I didn't even have to ask. on Monday, Bear asked me if I'd like to leave early Saturday morning and go for a drive in the North Maine Woods to look for moose. "We'll pack a picinic," he said, "with turkey sandwiches and brownies for dessert. We'll drive up the Golden Road and look at all the moose. We'll stop at Dunkin Donuts and get a hot breakfast and coffee. It'll be just you and me, all day, with no hurrying. What do you think?"

What do I think?

I think that sounds perfect.

Inservice Day

2009-05-15T10:30:00.005-05:00

Today is a half-day teacher inservice day. I am supposed to be working on my curriculum development. However, since my curriculum is in pretty good shape, I'll be cleaning up the mess that I call my classroom. Normally I wouldn't care about the mess factor of my room until that last week of school, the week when the students refuse to do work and I'm too exhausted to make them, but this week has brought some changes that are causing me re-evaluate my previously apathetic stance.

I'm applying for a new job. Two, actually.

It's not that I'm resigning from this teaching job, because I'm not. But remember this post? I've come to realize that no one here (at least in the administration capacity) is going to bat for me if someone decides that she wants my job. For now it appears that I will be here next year, but I just can't trust that. There are two good teaching positions open in other districts and I have decided that it's a good idea to apply for them. Just in case the ground falls out from under me as it has done twice now already. So I'm going to apply for these two jobs and hope that I get an interview. If I get an interview, I might get an offer. If I get an offer, I can decide if the devil I know is better or worse than the devil I don't.

Here's a comparison of the teaching jobs:

Current Job
1/2 time teacher, 1/2 ed tech
pay decreases during vacation/summer
Sneaky superintendent of Doom
Drive my road each day
Stay in Brownville JCT
Bear close to adult office
Less money/year
Keep second job
Lots of teaching freedom
Tenure (for what it's worth)

New Job(s)
Full time teacher
Pay is same year-round
Superintendent of undetermined Doominess
Different commute (one of them would be longer)
Move this fall (to shorten commute)
Bear close to future Alma Mater
More money/year
Quit second job
Undetermined teaching freedom
Two more years until tenure

Feel free to weigh in on what you think I should do. I've got collect a few more materials before I can send off my applications, including getting a letter of recommendation from the senior English teacher here. The woman is intimidating like nobody's business and scares the crap out of me. I've been trying to screw up the courage to ask her all week. I have to do it today so I can get things mailed out next week some time. These two positions will get a lot of applicants, so I need to have my application in the pile before they start scheduling interviews.

Eek!

The List

2009-05-13T07:15:00.001-05:00

My list is finished. I hope to have it posted on the sidebar to my blog (I may have to fiddle with things to get it there) as well as a countdown. If I begin today, my ending date is February 8, 2012. Feel free to comment on what you think of it. I broke the list into several categories: Relationships, Bear and I, Craft Related, Personal and Professional/Educational. That should help me keep things separate. Also, a few of my items have a 0/# at the end of them - that is how many times out of the total I've completed. I'd like to figure out how to put a strike through over the text of a number as I complete it, but I haven't yet learned how to make that happen. I will. I know this list is incredibly long (you don't have to read it all - I won't be offended), but for those of you who are making lists of your own (like Cheryl) I hope you find some inspiration.

Relationships
1. Create tradition of weekly correspondence w/ Caitlin, Amy Jean, Alicia, Tara, Daddy and Leigh Anne 0/6
2. Have a summer gathering/cookout
3. Send ten people unexpected gifts 0/10
4. Take friends’ children to water park/animal park/museum/shopping 0/6
5. Improve Zedd’s skin and coat 0/2
6. Snuggle Zedd for fifteen minutes at least once a week 0/143
7. Send Christmas cards to everyone
8. Call friends/family on their birthdays
9. Host a Christmas party
Bear and I
10. Streamline camping gear
11. Help Bear enroll in college
12. Turn wedding vows into art and hang in house
13. Get new copy of marriage certificate and hang in house
14. Buy Bear woodworking tools
15. Move out of Brownville Junction
16. Buy land
17. Build home
18. Take an overnight train ride
19. Write our wills, living wills, and burial wishes
20. Shoot .308 until I’m comfortable with it
21. Hike Gulf Hagas, Pleasant River Walk, a new Bar Harbor trail
22. Teach Bear to ride a bike
23. Get a new digital camera
24. Pay off Capital One loan
25. Watch the stars with Bear
26. Go on a picnic
27. Get married on a tropical sandy beach (the way we wanted to do it originally)
28. Take a ballroom or Latin dancing class
29. Get insurance on house
30. Put up a real Christmas tree
31. Pay off Orchard Bank Mastercard
32. Donate toys for Toys for Tots
33. Get Bear a tattoo
Personal
34. Run 5 miles at one time
35. Run three times a week each of summer vacation 0/30
36. Take voice/piano/violin/flute lessons
37. Purge wardrobe of old clothes and donate them
38. Make homemade ice cream
39. Research and have electrolysis on stomach
40. Double regular dinner menu
41. Learn to make five vegetarian meals 0/5
42. Learn to make blueberry wine
43. Get passport
44. Visit a foreign country
45. Get a new tattoo
46. Get rings sized
47. Go SCUBA diving
48. Pay off University debt
49. Hold a contest on both blogs
50. Send a secret to PostSecret
51. Find and use farmer’s market each summer for produce
52. Figure out spleen pain issue
53. Go back to chiropractor each summer 0/3
54. Do ten pushups every day for a month
55. Take an eight week (or longer)yoga class
56. update and complete my address book
57. Get camera repaired/cleaned
58. Locate & organize all big ticket receipts/manuals in file cabinet
59. Locate & organize all pet medical records
60. Adopt a dog
61. Act on a good idea before I can talk myself out of it
62. Compete in five 5k races
63. Grow catnip and sunflowers 0/2
64. Read ten classical literature texts 0/10
65. Grow sufficient produce to impact our grocery bill
66. Overcome fear of basement
67. Put out birdseed in winter and hummingbird food in summer
68. Make and send Plurk friendship packages
Craft Related
69. Knit/sew family cats catnip toys 0/9
70. Make a circular needle storage case
71. Buy knitting needles to create complete sets of dpn & circulars (0-11)
72. Learn to use a sewing pattern correctly
73. Make cat beds for Humane Society
74. Make and use reusable grocery bags 0/6
75. Design and knit a pair of socks
76. Publish sock pattern to Ravelry
77. Knit Icarus shawl for Grammie
78. Knit five things for charity 0/5
79. Finished Cabled Pullover with Hood
80. Learn to dye fiber
81. Organize knit-along for Knit Group
82. Sell hand-dyed/handspun
83. Buy spinning wheel
84. Finish spinning/plying WIP fibers 0/6
85. Knit Caitlin an Elephante
86. Knit Thomas a giraffe
87. Pay it forward
88. Complete all sewing repair projects (including pants buttons)
Professional/Educational
89. Finish first draft of novel
90. Find a full-time teaching job
91. Do required things for Incomplete grad class
92. Quit second job
93. Attend another Maine Writing Project conference
94. Find and teach an excellent piece of world literature
95. Get a short story/personal essay published
96. Obtain Master’s Degree in Literacy Education
97. Get a new copy of degree; throw water-stained one away
98. Create a display of diploma, degree, and tassels
99. Write and publish a professional article
100. Finish aligning curriculum
101. Post a poem a day during poetry unit next year

101 Update

2009-05-08T09:16:00.002-05:00

At the urgings of all of my bloggy friends, I have decided to create a list of 101 things to do in 1,001 days. I'm currently in the process of creating the list now. At the current time I have twenty-four items on my list. It may take me quite some time to come up with the complete list, and I'm not going to post it until I have the entire thing.
What I would like are some suggestions. What should I be doing for the next three years? Big, small - all ideas are welcome. Some of the things I'm thinking about are personal, others professional, still others financial. I've decided to put in things that are for both Bear and I to accomplish; we're a team, so if I do part of it, he'll help with the other part. He's good like that.

So let's here it - what should I be doing?

101 in 1001

2009-05-01T11:28:00.003-05:00

This morning I was reading blogs, which I do while I wait for my school day to begin, when I saw something in a sidebar caught my attention. I'd seen it before (it's been on this blog since I started reading it), but for some reason today it called out to me to be examined further. The blogger is a knitter/podcaster/artist/fantastico named Miss Violet and the something was a list called "101 in 1,001." I clicked on it and discovered that it was a list of 101 things Miss Violet hopes to accomplish in 1,001 days. Many of the things had already been completed and crossed off the list, some are partially done, and others have yet to be touched. You can see her list here.

Ms. V's list has some really important things on it. Things like writing her will. And spinning all of her fiber stash. And writing thank you notes instead of thank you emails.
About her list she says:

"... after 101 things, my life will be better, my health will be better, and my relationships should be better."

Who doesn't want all of those things? I certainly do. And I know there are things that I should be doing that I don't, because they aren't easy or because I forget or because I'd rather be plurking with my friends or reading a good book. So I'm thinking more and more about creating my own 101 in 1,001 list. I wonder, though, if I should do one for just me, or if Bear and I should create one together? There are things I want us to accomplish together (moving, writing our wills), and there are things I want to do on my own (run 5 miles, write my grandmother a letter, learn to play the violin). I don't know if we can create a list of 101 things that are for the both of us, but I don't want to list communal tasks as "mine," because I will feel responsible for them. And I can't be the only one responsible for moving or writing a will or fixing the ball bearing in the truck.

Of course I haven't discussed this with Bear yet. I don't even know if it is something he would want to do. The list is a public thing (at least, mine will be); seeing it every day is the only way I will get the items on it accomplished. I'm asking you, dear reader, to weigh in. Go to Miss Violet's website, and look at her list. Look at the home page for 101 in 1,001. Tell me what you think. Is a list that big even doable? What sorts of things should I put on it? Should I add "our" things to "my" things? Is this a bad idea in general? A good idea? Sometimes when I get an idea, I can't look at it from other angles. I just fixate on a single thought (right now that thought is "this looks like a great idea and I want to be a better person, a healthier person, a more complete person. This list might be my ticket there").

So? What about it?

Ahh, the week's end

2009-04-30T09:54:00.002-05:00

I like Thursdays. It's late enough in the week that I can start looking forward to the weekend but far enough away that I don't have to worry about working at job #2. I do have to work Friday night, but that shift will be better than usual because we are having a baby shower for my friend Amanda. Her pregnancy is almost over - she's got about three and a half weeks to go officially, although she has been having contractions for months so the doctors don't think she'll go that long. I made her baby bootees (pics here) and bought her a thermometer and some infant tylenol. She's a practical woman and will appreciate practical gifts, I think. I hope. Otherwise, it's a pretty lame gift. I don't know what else to get her, honestly. I can't wait to meet this baby. It seems that we've been keeping our fingers crossed for so long that it will be a relief when we hear that little Abigail is born and is a healthy baby. Although I've blogged before about how I don't want children of my own, I love my friends' children and want all the best for them. Amanda has wanted this baby so for many years. She deserves this happiness.

I have Saturday off completely, which is a rare gift. Bear will be attending a Logging Expo with his brother-in-law, so I'll have some alone time - another rare gift. Most often I do chores when I am home alone. I seem to get much more accomplished when Bear is not nearby. The boy distracts me to no end! So the usual chores - dishes, laundry, picking up, vacuuming, etc. will be done, but I think it's time for something more. Something outdoors. The chore that most needs to be done is raking.

I hate raking.

There isn't a single chore I loathe more than raking. When I was growing up, that was one of the chores my parents insisted I do. We had seven acres of land - that's a LOT of raking. and I didn't just have to rake; I had to haul the leaves away and dump them, too. Every day when I got home from school I had to change my clothes and go outside to rake. For a minimum of two hours each day. Fall, spring, it didn't matter - there was always raking to be done. I wasn't allowed to wait until all of the leaves fell from a tree, either. Oh, no. That would be too easy. I had to rake the same place several times until the snow cover was too deep to continue. I raked until my hands blistered and my nose dripped. It was torture.

So how can I? How can I willingly do that which I swore I would never do again?

The answer? Because it's different. Somehow, these leaves, this grass, these pine needles that blanket the ground aren't like the ones at my parents' house. Well, literally they are the same leaves - the trees on our property are the same kind that my parents have, but the idea of raking them doesn't chafe as badly as it used to. Although I know that my muscles and hands will protest the abuse they will be subjected to, my mind (which previously was the loudest protester of all of my parts) isn't voicing a single complaint. Because this is our house. Our first home as a married couple, and Bear's ancestral home. I want it to look its best for him. I want the house to know that we cared for it. Especially since I don't know how many more seasons we will be living here. Our trip has shown us that we do not want to stay in Central Maine. We want to move on, to start fresh in a place where our past and our history don't live, too. A place that we will make a home together, at the same time.

Until then, it looks like I'll be spending Saturday taking care of the home we have now.

What are you doing this weekend?

Ahhhhhh...

2009-04-21T07:21:00.008-05:00

That's my sigh of relief and relaxation. Bear and I are back from our weekend away (we got back Sunday afternoon). We had a fabulous time. The land did not fail to work its magic on me; I was relaxed the moment we arrived.

Tide Mill Farms is an interesting place, and one that always has something (usually several somethings) going on. No one was home at my aunt's house except the cholocate lab Annabelle, so after saying hello to her we headed down to the barn. My cousin Aaron was there moving hay bales with his tractor before starting the afternoon milking. His wife and children pulled up in their van on their way to the public pool in town and stopped to say hi. I said hello and hugged the little ones, then headed into the barn to play with the calves before watching the milking process.

Baby cows are the most adorable little things in the world. Aaron is trying to increase his herd size, so every spring there are dozens of calves to admire:

Those ones are cute, aren't they? But there was one calf named Bitsey who totally and utterly stole my heart:

Bitsey has an underbite so her teeth poke out and give her the most comical expression. Isn't she adorable? I wanted to take her home, but was reminded that she wouldn't stay small and cute forever. Sigh. Oh well. I know where she lives and can come visit her any time.

After watching the milking, Bear and I wandered around the coastline for a while. Tide Mill Farms has 1,700 acres and over a mile of shoreline. Their land has fields, forests, mountains, rivers, a dam, ocean frontage... they've got everything. Some pics of the afternoon:

That night at dinner (steak, hamsteak, fresh salad greens, peas, potatoes and raw milk) Bear and I caught up on farm happenings. We learned that the eagles were nesting in the front field (as they have been for over a dozen years now), that the children have been doing tons of fun things as part of their homeschooling (including learning to play violins!), and that life, in general, keeps going. Dinner was filling, the company was terrific, and we got a great chance to catch up. In the morning after milking, Bear and I headed to Aaron and his wife Carly's house to wrangle some pigs and then watch the children while Carly ran an errand in town. The pig wrangling wasn't as exciting as it sounds - we were trying to get three male pigs into a trailer to be slaughtered and leave the girl pigs in their pen. The male pigs weren't having it, though, and totally ignored all of our attempts to move/herd them. Carly did get them in the trailer later that day when they were hungry. So we watched three of the ninth generation while Aaron and Carly did their things. The three kids - Hailey, 8, Paige, 6, and Henry, 3 - were utterly exhausting. They have tons of energy and were all over the place. It was terrific, though. The girls played their violins for us, I made them lunch, we all hung out in the living room, and generally had a good time. The kids are so SMART they amaze me.

Of course, after watching the kids I needed a nap so I went back to my aunt's house and did that while Bear helped out with the afternoon milking. Another fantastic dinner of spaghetti, bread, and more salad greens, and I was ready for bed. Jane, Bob, Bear, and I did all hang out at the kitchen table and talk for a while, though. It is so nice to be in their house - the kitchen is where you want to be, sipping coffee, admiring the view, petting Annabelle, and visiting. I dream about that kitchen when I'm not there. Nowhere else feels quite so homey.

On Sunday we had flying pancakes for breakfast. A favorite of mine since I was very small, flying pancakes are blueberry pancakes that are flung from the stove to the table - a distance of about twelve feet. My uncle Bob is an amazing pancake flyer - he can get them to the table from over his shoulder, under his leg... I was trying to be grown up and not ask for them this time, but they must have known I wanted them because I got them. They were delicious! I caught one pic of Bob mid-fling:

We took a quick trip to West Quoddy Head Lighthouse, the Easternmost tip of the United States. The lighthouse is fantastic and we had the place to ourselves. We took lots of pictures of that, too:

We got back to the farm around noon, loaded up the car with our stuff and some organic meat and milk and took our leave. It was sad to say goodbye to the farm and to my family, especially since it was three years between the last trip and this one. I hope it isn't that long between trips again. This place is just such a part of me. I hate being away from it. Hopefully soon we will get a chance to get back there. Until then, I have my memories, and my pictures, and some pork sausage in my freezer. Life is good.

Temptation, Thy Name is Bear

2009-04-15T08:20:00.003-05:00

I love my husband. He is very good to me. And usually, he is good *for* me - I believe he makes me a better person.

Except when he doesn't.

Except when he tempts me with something fun and fabulous, but will mean I have to break a rule. Lie. Do something I'm not supposed to.

This is what's happening right now.

You see, we are leaving Friday afternoon to go to my Aunt and Uncle's farm in Washington County, Maine. As soon as I am home from teaching, we will hop in the car and drive to the coast. My husband has decided that he is taking the whole day off ...

And he wants me to do it, too.

And he makes some really good arguments.

If I take Friday off, I will:

Get french toast, bacon, and coffee for breakfast - and he'll bring it to me in bed.
Have $20 to spend at Fiberphilia, Orono's yarn store.
Get extra time on the coast - towns like Machias, Eastport, and more.
Maybe go to Machias' yarn store, too.
Have to spend less time in a vehicle (I have tendinitis in my legs which makes sitting for long periods excruciatingly painful).
Make my husband very, very, happy.

It's that last one that gets me. I want to make him happy, and I know that we will have a fabulous time. But it's the Friday before April vacation and I know it will look suspicious if I am not here at school that day. I have the sick time (so will just have to call out sick), but it's tough to do. I also have to make sub plans for that day, and it is difficult to give kids something worthwhile to do that a sub can administer. Because subs really aren't good at thinking for themselves. Or at following directions.

I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do. I may try to schedule a doctor's appointment for that morning so that I can get all the fun things, but also legitimately be out of school that day. And really, wouldn't that be the best of both worlds?

One week and counting!

2009-04-10T06:54:00.002-05:00

One more week until I leave all the backstabbing, political bullshit and go where the world makes sense. Where the ebb and flow of the tides take my stress and return tranquility. I will be surrounded by growth, renewal, and the natural way of things. People I love and who love me will be there, and together with the land will heal all the damage that's been done to me.

I will be home.

Three Strikes and I'm Probably Out

2009-04-09T07:37:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I had very little to post, and today I have so much to post I'm not sure that I will be able to clearly articulate it all. My world was turned upside down yesterday and I'm still trying to find my footing. Here's what happened.

Yesterday afternoon my principal came into my room and shut my door. That was unusual. He sat down and said, "Something was dropped on my desk yesterday and I feel that you should know about it. I'm not sure what anything means yet, but I and a few of the teachers feel that you should be made aware, as it may affect your job." I listened as he went on to explain several seemingly disjointed pieces of news that put together, pointed in the direction that I may be "laid off" at the end of this year:

There is a teacher at the elementary school who's position will be eliminated due to budget cuts.
This teacher has wanted to teach at the high school for a number of years.
The superintendent asked this teacher to draft a curriculum for a creative writing class at the high school level.
This teacher has more seniority than I do.

What the gist is (or what I could gather) is that this teacher wants my job, but because she's full time at the elementary, she was asked to make up a class in order to be full time up here (I'm only half-time now). What *really* makes me mad is the fact that there is a first year teacher at the elementary school at could and SHOULD be laid off before me. But because this woman wants MY job, she may get it. Which means the first year teacher stays at the elementary school and the third year teacher (me) gets laid off or "downstaffed" as they call it. AND the person replacing me gets the full time position I've been asking for for THREE YEARS.

I told my principal that I wasn't surprised, and really, I'm not. This may the third teaching job out of THREE that I've lost due to someone else wanting to be where I was. It's enough to drive me straight out of education. I am just so sick of the plotting and conspiring going on behind my back. I am so fed up with being in this situation. My husband and principal have both cautioned me against overreacting, since we don't "know" anything yet. I told them both the same thing: get ready for a fight. I will file a grievance, go to the board, go to the newspapers if I have to; I will not give up my job without fighting as hard as I can to protect what I've worked so hard for. I will keep you all posted when I learn something new. Until then - wish me some luck, won't you?

Miscellany

2009-04-08T08:39:00.002-05:00

No one cohesive thought for today, so I've organized the miscellany and posted it below:

The conference I went to Saturday was phenomenal. I wrote a lot, was re-inspired to write, enjoyed my time among my peers. I am working on making writing a more frequent practice.
I didn't realize how much I missed by brother and his wife until I saw them on Saturday - they are really my favorite people (excluding Bear, of course). It was awesome seeing them.
I am so incredibly fortunate to have the husband I do. The more I listen to people, the more I speak with friends and family, the more I realize that my husband and my marriage are truly awesome. I'm very, very lucky to be married to someone I respect, get along with, who is a good person and a hard worker. Someone who doesn't participate in illegal activities or immoral behaviors. In short, I lucked out big time. I hope he knows how I feel.
Many unlucky and terrible things have been happening to people I know - marriages failing, accidental deaths, mental illness, drunken psychos threatening to kill neighbors ... the world has become a sad scary place lately. Even in my small corner of the world. I just want to hug everyone until all the scariness and sadness go away.
My husband has taken the giant step to go back to school. He has his diploma, but is taking more rigorous classes in preparation for enrolling in college. I am so proud of him! I know he will make as exceptional a student as he does a man.
I am looking forward to this spring and summer as a time that I can renew my running. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I went for a walk on Monday. It was hard not to break out into a run right then. I miss the feeling of movement, of accomplishing something difficult, of each day making it further than I did before. I am walking this week, and next week will start back with my running program. It's the same program I used last time, although I hope to be able to start at week two instead of week one like last year.

That's all I've got - what are you up to?

Already April

2009-04-03T08:51:00.002-05:00

It's April. Has been for three days now. I am in a state of shock over it, honestly, since I spend my days in a fog of work and exhaustion. I measure my time by how many days it is until my next day off, and plod through each day until I get there. I am fortunate in that I have only today to get through this time, because I have the entire weekend off (insert happy banana dance here). I won't get much rest tomorrow since I'm headed down state to a conference, but the conference is one I am looking forward to. It's called "Writing Ourselves" and it will be a chance for me to focus on myself for an entire day (and who doesn't want to do that?). I will get the added bonus of reuniting with some of my Maine Writing Project friends, whom I miss dearly. Once the conference is over, I am going to meet up with my brother and sister-in-law in Bangor for some fun times at the Sea Dog Restaurant and Pub. I have not seen either of them in months and miss them terribly. I can't WAIT to catch up with Tara!!

Sunday I have no plans. At all. I just want to hang out with my husband, to rest and relax and bond with the man who makes me happier than all others. I may even make him pancakes. Because Sunday is pancakes day and I haven't been able to enjoy pancakes day in a while because I've been working.

Speaking of working, my first official shift as "Shift Supervisor" is tonight. Eek! Wish me luck - I'm horribly nervous about it.

It's ON, Baby!

2009-03-27T07:36:00.001-05:00

Email from my aunt today:
"The weekend of the eighteenth should work. Can't wait to see you!"

Wahoo!! Escape is gonna happen, and even SOONER than I thought. That's really the best news I received all week.

I just have to make it till then.

My Weekend

2009-03-23T10:33:00.002-05:00

My weekend can be split into two very different days. Saturday I got up at five a.m., blearily got dressed for work and worked an 8 hour shift putting away freight after unloading it from the truck. It's exhausting work, but I thought I'd be able to go home and crash when it was over. I was wrong. Bear met me at work when it was time to go and said, "It's Teacher Appreciation weekend at Borders. I'm buying you $40 worth of stuff because you deserve it. Let's go." We got in the car and drove to Bangor. We spent about two hours in the big city (I bought three books) and then came home. Bear's best friend Snake arrived shortly after that to hang out. I was tired, but Bear had asked that I make him chocolate covered strawberries, and since I didn't know what Sunday would bring, I did it then. By nine p.m., I was falling asleep sitting up on the couch. I couldn't stop yawning or keep my eyes open. Bear and Snake were playing video games, but I had to go to bed. I gave them my apologies and went upstairs.

I slept eleven straight hours.

I woke up Sunday at about quarter past eight to sunshine streaming in my window. Bear had already risen for the day but was being quiet so I could sleep. I got out of bed and wandered downstairs. He'd made me coffee! Once I'd had some I was quite a bit perked up so I made pancakes and bacon (Sunday is pancakes day in my house). We had a leisurely breakfast, did a few minor chores, and relaxed. Bear watched t.v. while I spun on my spindle. We had a get-your-own lunch (I had salad) and then we went to bed for an hour or so in the middle of the afternoon (insert dirty thoughts here). We got back up, had an excellent dinner of chicken cordon bleu sandwiches and then together we made chocolate cake with homemade peanut butter frosting. It was delicious! Bear helped with everything, including mixing the cake batter.

Sunday was so nice and so relaxing I was able to totally recharge my batteries. I will need it, because my work schedule is going to be beyond hectic this week. I am still waiting to hear back from my aunt about my getaway (the weekend of the 24th won't work out, so I'm aiming for the weekend of the 18th), but I know that as long as I have Bear and Sundays like this last one, I'll be okay.

How was your weekend?

Escape Plan

2009-03-19T07:41:00.002-05:00

Escape.

Running away.

Call it what you will.

I need to go.

I was driving to work this morning like any other morning when out of nowhere, I burst into tears. Suddenly, it was too much that I was going to work, that I was going to leave work at the end of the day and go immediately to my other job. That I will have to do the same thing tomorrow, and will have to be at work at 6 am on Saturday. This never-ending merry-go-round of jobs, chores, and obligations was suddenly too much, and I broke down. It doesn't happen to me often, but once I get to this point - this feeling that my life is an avalanche about to destroy me - I need to get away. Completely. To stop living my life as it is and do something totally different, even if it is just for a few days.

I hate getting to this point. I hate feeling like I am letting others down by taking care of myself. But seeing as how I'm in tears just writing this (while in study hall, no less), it's something I have to do.

The actual running away part is easy.* I know exactly where I'm going to go. The one place in this entire world where my soul is at peace. The place where I am calm, happy, in tune with nature and the world. It is Tide Mill Organic Farm - my aunt and uncle's farm in Washington County, Maine. There I will wake each morning to the sound of the ocean's tides. I will hear cows mooing and eagles' cries. I will hear the distant barking of seals and the honking of returning Canadian Geese. All around me I will feel the earth growing, and I will know that I am part of something larger. I will walk through fresh green hay fields and watch swallows build their nests in the barn. I will work the land alongside my cousins, helping wherever another pair of hands are of use. I will feel the warm sun on my face and will be renewed.

I will be home.

* Easy, yes, but soon, no. Due to my hectic schedule, I will have to postpone my trip until April 24-26. That's about five weeks from now. I will make it. I have no other choice.

Catch -22

2009-03-16T08:48:00.003-05:00

It isn't often that my husband says something that wounds me. He tries so hard to make me happy that even when things don't go his way, he rarely says anything. It's one of the things that makes him the wonderful man that he is; it's also one of the reasons why when he does say something, it hurts.

Let me set the scene for you. We'd been hanging out on the couch, watching t.v. in our typical Sunday fashion when I decided that the light was just right to go upstairs and read in bed. Bear wasn't happy with that (he likes to spend as much of our time off together as possible), but I ran up the stairs anyway, book in hand. This new book was terrific and I couldn't put it down.

After about half an hour, Bear came up the stairs and asked if we could go for a walk. I was right in the middle of my book, and replied, "I thought you said you wanted to go later in the afternoon?"
"Yes, hon, I did. It IS afternoon! I just want to go DO something. I'm so tired of doing nothing and staying home all the time. I realize you're tired and that you want to rest. You deserve your rest. But I just want to get out once in a while."
"So go do something, then. You don't need me to go!" I was mildly offended that he was complaining about spending time with me at home. I get ONE day off a week (if I'm lucky) and here was my husband, being all ungrateful.
"No, Hon. I want to do things with you," he said. "We need to join an outing club or some organization - something."
"You know, I really can't put anything more on my plate right now." The thought of having yet another demand on my time nearly exhausted me.
"That didn't stop you from joining knit group, did it?" he said. Ouch.
"You're right. I did. And how often do I get to go? I haven't been in a month! I never get to go because I'm either working or too tired. I'm sorry that spending time at home with me isn't good for you, but I'm TIRED. I work TWO JOBS and I don' t want to go anywhere on my ONE day off!" By now I was mad. Really mad. How dare he?
At that point Bear, sensing that I wasn't interested in continuing the conversation, apologized for interrupting me, and left.
I laid there in my indignation for a while, trying to read. But my mind kept going back to our conversation. As I calmed down, I tried to look at it through his perspective. Was he right? Did we really never do anything together? I thought back over the last several trips we made: groceries, errands in town, groceries + dinner with his sister, doctor's appointment, groceries... the list continued. We really never did go out and *do* anything - at least not anything fun. Shit. Now I felt bad. I mean, the truth is that I really am tired. All the time. And when I am home, I don't want to go anywhere. I want to stay in and relax. A trip to Bangor takes hours and tires me out, depleting the batteries I'm trying to recharge. I don't see any way around this. But even though I'm tired, Bear shouldn't be treated as though he is, too. I should be willing to meet him halfway, and do at least one thing of his choosing. He stays in this house we both hate so he can be with me. He does it largely without complaint and without resentment. The least I can do is attempt something that makes him happy.
So here it is - Bear, as of this week you are in charge of planning something fun for us to do each week. It is totally up to you - you name the time and place and I will be there ready to go. No complaints, no procrastination ... just enthusiasm and love. I love you and want you to be happy - as happy as you've made me. I love you Bear - let's go do something together.

Running.

2009-03-10T08:51:00.002-05:00

Last year I lost quite a bit of weight (almost 30 pounds, for those of you who want to know). I did it by strict dieting and a whole heap of exercise. I have a recumbent bike that I rode every day for almost four months, and I took up running as well.
The bike I hated. It was hard. It made me sweaty. It made my butt hurt. And my competitive nature never let me just take it easy - I always had to go further, burn more calories, spend more time at a higher level. When I started on New Year's Day, I went just twenty minutes at level 3, for about a 300 calorie burn. When I ended I was doing no less than 500 calories and for no less than twenty minutes. Some days I got to 500 before the twenty minutes was up and had to keep going, and some days it took me almost half an hour to get there. By the end of the third month I was in tears just at the thought of getting on that damn bike. I hated it. I did eventually stop riding it after crying to my husband that I didn't want to do it any more (I had asked him to make sure that I rode it each day). Having burned myself out on it, I have only ridden it a handful of times since.
Last spring and summer I started running. I got a copy of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Running" and faithfully followed all of the directions and tips. I stretched. I timed myself. I got a pedometer. And after a while, I started to enjoy it. I liked being able to be outside and running. I liked that I could get further each day without slowing to a walk. I liked that people noticed me and commented on my running when they saw me in town. I loved the way I felt after a run. Hot and sweaty, yes, but also happy. Accomplished. I even competed in a 5k race last summer. I came in almost dead last, but I did it.

But the cold season in Maine strikes hard and fast, and I was forced to give up running until the roads were safe again. Ice and snow and many hours of darkness combine to make even walking outside a risky endeavor. So I've done nothing all winter to keep myself in shape. and it shows. I'm up ten pounds. I don't feel or look as good as I did. I'm frustrated and antsy. I want to get back out and run again!

But in order to be ready for running season, I would have to get back on the bike. The bike I hate. The Bike of Extreme Pain and Suffering. The Bike of Doom. I would have to make a practice out of it, too - not just pedaling slowly once a week or less and hope that it makes a difference. Because if last year taught me anything, it was that getting and staying in shape is hard work.

So Sunday I got on the bike. I pedaled for 23 minutes at level 4, went 6.06 miles and burned 436 calories.

And you know what? It wasn't so bad.

I made sure to stretch before and after, and read a book so that I wouldn't stare at the display. I got a little sweaty, but not enough to be uncomfortable. All in all, it was not terrible. I am apparently in better shape now than I was last year at this time. So maybe while I've been avoiding the bike, my body has been conserving my strength so that when I need it this spring, it will be ready. Then again, maybe it just wanted to show me that the whining I do about the bike is really just that - whining.

So this week marks the start of my return to training. My goal is to be back to 500 calories in under 20 minutes by the end of March, which I think is totally doable. Once I can get back out onto the roads to run, I'll let you know where I am with that, too. I'm hoping to get back out there by April 1 (weather permitting). But for now, it's back to the bike for me - and this time, I'm not giving up.

I have NUMBERS!

2009-03-05T14:01:00.002-05:00

I don't think I have mentioned it here, but a few weeks ago my manager at job #2 notified me that she was recommending me for a shift supervisor position. I was thrilled! No more plain old cashiering for me - nope! This promotion would mean that I could get my own change, that I could approve things that needed manager approval, that I could open the safes and front doors (I'd even have a code to the alarm!!). I would be on the floor each shift instead of behind the counter.
Over the past two weeks, I have been in training for the new position. I know now how to do the Daily Business Report, how to operate the safes, do money orders and a host of other things. The only thing that has been missing has been my "numbers": a six digit code that grants me access to the finer workings of the company. My training really can't be completed without it, and I've been eager to begin this final phase.

I got a voicemail today from my manager - I HAVE NUMBERS! The district manager stopped by and gave me that final piece. Now I am officially in the final stages of my training. Wahoo!

No word yet on a raise.

American Logger

2009-03-04T08:20:00.002-05:00

Last December I wrote a post describing the road I drive in to work each day. It's a beautiful road in Northern Maine, and over the three years I've been commuting on it, it has begun to feel like my road. I feel very proprietary about it and get angry when people are on it who don't belong there.

I was delighted last Friday, though, when I turned on the Discovery Channel and saw the premier episode of American Logger. The show takes place in Millinocket - a town I drive through each day! It focuses on the Pelletier Logging Company that works in the North Maine Woods. They primarily work on the Golden Road, a privately owned road that traverses most of North West Maine, but even in that first episode they showed truckers on my road. It was awesome to see my road on National television! I am so proud. The show wasn't as accurate as I'd like (the 200,000 lb carrying trucks are only legally allowed on the Golden Road, not my road. Not everyone speaks with that French-Canadian accent that the Pelletiers do. Bonecrusher's comments? Pretty much EXACTLY how people talk around here), but most of it was pretty good. Discovery bought ten episodes with the option for more. Please check out the show - it's on Friday nights at ten p.m. I love my state and I love my road ... won't you fall in love with it, too?

Slow steady plod to solvency

2009-03-03T09:07:00.002-05:00

Two weeks into my very tight budget and I'm learning just how much money I waste on things. Funny how I never notice how much I spend until I can't spend anything. On Sunday I spent $22 on sugar, hand lotion, a stuffed sheep for a package I'm mailing out and thumbtacks. All stuff I needed, and it came to 1/4 of $100! Why are things so expensive? I'm trying really hard to curtail my excessive spending. No, honest! Every single day, though, is a struggle. And I don't always win.
Like today. My friend Lori is selling off a lot of her fiber and yarn, and was selling some black merino (wool) for $8. It's enough to spin into the shawl I've been wanting to knit for some time now. How could I not? And since my husband reads my blog, now he knows. Sorry Honey, I couldn't resist. It just kind of happened. I'm really sorry I disappointed you. I'm not sorry I bought it, but... well, you know what I mean.

In other news, we had another snowstorm yesterday that caused school to be canceled. I spent the first few hours reading, then I knit some, then spun some as well. All in all, it was a great day. Look what I made:

A baby bootie for my friend Amanda's baby! You'll remember her as the poor woman who discovered she was pregnant after taking colitis and fibromyalgia meds? She's having a girl this May. All it needs are buttons and a mate.

Happiness can be yours for the bargain price of $800 a month!

2009-02-25T08:18:00.003-05:00

When Bear and I first got together, our relationship moved very quickly. We had our first date in the middle of November, he first asked me to marry him at Christmas, I moved in with him the following March. The same spring I moved in with him, we started the arduous process of combining our finances. One of the things that became clear to me early on was that Bear was in a lot of financial trouble and that it wasn't his fault. You see, Bear's mother passed away when Bear was 18, after a long battle with cancer. Because she had been sick for so long, Bear had been forced to work full time as well as go to school full time just to make ends meet. It is tough to make ends meet, however, so after his mother's death Bear was stuck with a pile of past due bills. We talked a lot about the bills he had in collections, and how he couldn't get a loan to pay them off because they had ruined his credit score. My credit was excellent, however, so we hatched a plan for me to take out a $10,000 dollar loan and pay off most of his debt and a bit of mine as well. The loan was for three years and had a monthly payment amount of $351.52.

We have been paying that amount each month for nearly our entire relationship. It was supposed to be paid off this summer, but due to life getting in the way (doesn't it always?), we are a few months behind. This loan has become a pain in our collective ass. We want more than anything to get the frigger paid off so we can put that money towards other things.

Last week while Bear and I were both not working (his last week of layoff, my Feb. vacation), we hatched a plan. A budget that will get the loan paid off in August, just one month later than originally planned. It means, however, that instead of paying #351.52 a month, from March to August we will be paying $800 a month.

Eight hundred dollars a month.

Holy Shit.

On the one hand, I'm thrilled that we found that much money in our budget to throw at our debt. I didn't realize we had that much left over after bills are paid. On the other hand, though, it makes things *very* tight for us for the entire spring and most of the summer months. It means fewer camping trips and cookouts, fewer yarn and fiber purchases, fewer adventures in the world together. I'm slowly becoming accustomed to this, but it hasn't been easy. I know that this is important and that we are doing what's best for us. But I am going to need a lot of help in putting my debit card away for the next six months. A lot of help. Any ideas for things we can do on the cheap?

Yesterday's Snowstorm

2009-02-24T11:37:00.003-05:00

I'm back in school today. I took the truck to work, but the roads weren't all that bad, considering that we got 28.1" of snow yesterday. I will have to have Bear take a pic of me in front of the snowbank at the end of our driveway - it's taller than I am. I did take some pictures for you to enjoy. Especially Alice who is in Georgia and doesn't get snow like this:
For a frame of reference, the two windows that are nearly buried are my livingroom windows. The bottom of the sill is supposed to be eye level. I had to shovel them out so we could have some light in the house.

I'm ready for spring!!

Back to school - Just kidding!

2009-02-23T08:09:00.002-05:00

Today was supposed to be my first day back to school, but thanks to about twenty inches of snow that fell overnight, vacation has been extended by a day. We are supposed to get another five to ten inches today as well. This afternoon I will take some pictures after I snowblow the driveway so you can see how much snow we have right now. As for now, I've had my breakfast and my coffee so I think I'll do a quick load of dishes and then knit.

I love snow days!!

Go Baby, Go!

2009-02-13T09:28:00.001-05:00

This morning my husband isn't at home. He's not working, and he hasn't gone on yet another grocery run.

This morning, my husband is beginning his back-to-school adventure.

As I type this, he is at a computer in the local adult ed office, taking the Accuplacer test. Once he finishes that, he can begin taking the classes he will need so that he can go on to college.

I am so proud of him.

Congratulations, Baby, on starting this new journey. I love you - and I'm behind you all the way.

Caring for Bear

Getting into the swing of things

ARgh!

Getting On With It

Decisions

Ch-Ch-Change ...

'Tis the Season

Hiya!

Random Wednesday

Week in Review

Pththththththb.

Grrr.

News and non-news.

Welcome Back

Gack.

New to Me, Anyway

Grammie's Shawl

The downside of time

Because Good Matters

Making my Move

Resolved

Recovering and other Randomness

Post Surgery

The View from Sunday

More Jax!

It's Tuesday

More Doctors (TMI warning)

On The Future

Hi, sorry.

On Beginnings and Endings

Because I forgot to this morning (and because Alice asked):

Stick a fork in me ...

Good News and Bad News

The Care and Feeding of Bear

Just when I thought I was going to have a good day ...

Awww!

Flowers!

Post-Op Update

Take That, Sinister Insurance Company!

The Story

Welcome home, baby boy.

So close!

Friday Fragments

The Deal

I'm gonna be one of *those* moms, huh?

Some more pics from the breeder.

What I Got for Christmas

Back at It

I so so so so need to see this!

Malaise

IUD PITA!

Dear Daddy,

An amazing meal I INVENTED!!

Insurance companies suck

Friday Fragments

Happiness

Seriously?

Friday Fragments a bit late

Grammie

Nesting

Update (for Hallie)

Seek and Sometimes, Ye Find

Bar Harbor Band & Trust 1/2 Marathon and 5K (Sept. 19, 2009)

Friday Fragments

5 Minute Writing Exercise

Good and Bad

As the Dust Settles...

Friday Fragments (a la Alice and Hallie)

Shit.

Summer's End

Summer time

I'm trying, I really am.

Free for a limited time!

A weather eye*

At least it wasn't all bad...

Hmmm...

A Fragmented Friday - with Pictures!

Bear-y Loved

Inservice Day

The List

I'm gonna be one of those moms, huh?